Dear L. R,
I can totally relate to your situation. The very same thing happened to my husband and I with our daughter. The crying, and then more crying until she would begin to choke....and of course mainly throw up. I felt the exact way that you do. I honestly sometimes felt so helpless because our pediatrician told us to let her cry, my husband said to let her cry, but the mommy in me just couldn't take it. Then I was terrified that she actually would choke and I didn't come to her aid, or she would throw up and the same result. I was so torn and I couldn't just let her do this every single time....I was terrified of her choking and I felt like such a failure as a mother. In fact, our pediatrician suggested that we close our bedroom door and actually lock it so that she couldn't climb out of her bed and come to our room. I love him to death, but I thought no way am I going to do that....this man had to be kidding me!!! He also suggested that we allow her in our room, but not our bed. She would have to bring a pillow and a blanket and lay on the carpeted floor next to our bed....again, I was not going to do that. We put a safety gate up and she actually got it loose and so that wasn't a good idea.
Long story, I know but there is hope. As they say, "This too shall pass". I learned from this experience that its a toss up and you honestly have to "choose your battles". Sounds easy, but as parents we all know its not. You are most likely going to receive many different ways of how to handle this situation and you have to use your own judgment and pretty much do what you think is best....after all you know your child best.
That being said, the way that we handled our situation was that we made sure that whatever "routine" we wanted our daughter to follow, we had to stick to it and not waiver. I agree with you about rewarding bad behavior....I didn't want to do that either and I might not have been perfect at that, but for the most part I kept that as a golden rule. So, what worked for us and daughter was this:
1. Bedtime was always at the same time no matter what.
2. Because she loved stories, we always read books to her every night at bedtime. One night it was mom, another night it was dad. One story only.....no "please read it again" or "please read another one"....one story only.
3. Then we gave her 15 minutes of stroking her hair, or gently scratching her back (two of her favorites!) and this was to get her to start winding down, relaxing, and preparing to sleep.
5. Then we would say our bedtime prayers, followed by us leaving the room.
Now, we know what came after that......crying !!!! We would not walk back into her room, however she could hear from our room telling her to lie down and that we were all going to bed. The reason why we would talk to her from another room and not walk into her room was to distract her from the crying and therefore, no choking and no vomiting. If she continued to cry anyway....we would allow 10-15 minutes to pass before we would finally go in her room to check on her, unless she would choke before that time was up. She would stand up, reach for us to pick her up thereby getting exactly what she wanted.....we would give her a great big hug, tuck her back in bed, tell her that her mommy and daddy were going to bed and she needed to get her rest so that she would more energy to play the next day. In the beginning, it almost did not seem to be working, but I kept doing the same thing over and over until finally the "routine" became something of habit. Not a bad habit, but one that made her realize that everything was going to be okay and that going to sleep in her bed was "being a big girl". Within a shorter time frame than I expected, she grew out of the crying and choking and throwing up. She had a guaranteed routine that was not only enjoyable to her but also to us.
Kids are going to do whatever they can in an effort to receive what they want. They will go to great lengths to achieve that goal. As hard as it will be, you need a plan, you need to implement that plan, and you need to be strong and never waiver from the plan. Our babies are extremely wise and if they see that all they have to do is cry, choke, or throw up to get what they want, they will do it. It was amazingly difficult for me because my daughter was a "fertility baby" and I had a high risk pregnancy. My husband and I tried everything to have a child. The tests, infertility specialists, operations, taking my temperature every morning before my feet hit the floor, medication after medication after medication.....and then by the grace of God, we were blessed with this beautiful baby girl. How in the world was I going to sit back and allow this precious child cry, but I realized that I had to do what was best for her and I was fortunate enough that this plan I used worked. It didn't very long and she was going to bed knowing that she was going to the attention of her parents, sometimes just one of us would read, but sometimes we both were there for her story time. Getting her fixed on this routine was the best for me and for her.
So, basically I am saying that no matter what advice you follow or if you come up with something on your own that works best for you, please know that its just a phase and it will correct itself in the proper time with your patience and love.
Good luck and may God bless
T.
