Concerned About My 3 Year Old Daughter.

I agree with the others. I think it's telling that her behavior changes after seeing her father. It's common for kids to need time to readjust from a visit, but this behavior is more than that. You said she freezes up - does he yell? Does anyone he may drop her off with yell? I would be concerned about what they've told her about you, too. Do they openly trash you so she comes back being afraid?

You are a good mom. A bad mom wouldn't be concerned. But I do think you need to get to the bottom of it. Some of it might be developmentally normal, but some I think is cause for concern.

A.,
It's good that you are concerned about your daughter. That you are worried about being a good mother means that you probably are one. Though I am 10 years older than you I am also a single mother, though my daughter's father is not in the picture at all. (Which can be a mixed blessing) Anyway, every person (including toddlers) have a different personality. She just might not be social, and a certain amount of the talking back could be just being a toddler. But, like you said, it could also mean that something is wrong. Since it is happening after returning from her Father's house I would venture to say that it would be something/someone in that environment that is causing the potential problem. If you can speak with your daughter's pediatritian. If you don't have one available then I would call a Child Welfare Advocate (CWA). Voice your concerns and either the Doctor or CWA will evaluate your daughter. I know that then your concern would be custody of your daughter, but I think that would only apply to the situation or person causing the problem. And, everything sounds like the problem is not in your house. Please, please, please look after your daughter's welfare and contact a professional to whom you can voice your concern. If you are unsure at all I am sure that your daughter's daycare provider can point you in the right direction. Good luck and God Bless!

Dear A.,

You are not a bad mother. You were very, very brave to have this little girl, when most teenagers would have opted for abortion. This was a very big, life altering decision. You are doing the best you can. Every mom, no matter what age, needs the support of a companion. We all need to be loved. You haven't mentioned your own parents, so I assume they are not in the picture. You need a support system, however. I recommend group therapy for yourself, and perhaps individualized therapy for your daughter. Look to the Social Services Agency nearest you. Look it up on the internet or the phone book. They very often offer a sliding fee scale according to income. Some people don't have to pay, or it is minimum. (Try Jewish Social Services or JSS. You do not have to be Jewish.) DO NOT send your daughter back to her father if you can help it. You don't know what is going on there, and she seems to possibly be reacting to those visits in the form of these physical and behavioral issues which you mentioned in your request. The father of your little girl seems to be NOT READY for true fatherhood. Remember, "anyone can be a father, but it takes a mature individual to be a dad". Please seek the help of a social worker. You need some guidance. NO one can raise a child absolutely on their own. It is the hardest job in the world. Remember "it takes a community to raise a child."
Best of luck,
I.

I think you have been through a lot and you are paying for choices you made earlier, but the good thing is you are taking responsibility for your actions -it's just hard because you were still a child yourself when you had her - it's impossible for you to do the right thing all the time or make the most mature decisions with your child when you are still maturing yourself, but the good news is, no one is perfect and as long as you keep trying and also ask for help, your daughter should be fine and grow out of a lot of her awkward phases. I wouldn't say you're a bad mom - you are there for her...and it's not ideal to yell at people in front of your children, but she is young and may not even remember that when she gets older - but don't make a habit out of it - move on and go forward and make a pact with yourself today that it won't happen again and you will strive to make her environment the best you know how - afterall, you are figuring that out for yourself right now and you need a stable and good environment also!! BTW - she is only 3 and I was raised in a 2 parent household with no yelling and I still didn't talk till I was 3 years old...it's normal for kids to develop at their own pace - I ended up not being able to stop talking! I am very social, etc - I graduated from college, got a great job, and have no problems....so try to relax and just take each day at a time.

A.,

Being a mother is the hardest job anyone can have, but it is the most rewarding. My advice is to try not to let your daughter see/feel all your worries and stress, its easy for children to sense that we are upset. Also, all children are different, but most 3 year olds talk back, they have to learn respect, just be sure to disipline with love, don't yell or lose your control even though its exasperating! My husband and I disipline our 3 year old yet she still pushes her limits and talks back daily! My 5 year old son is the complete opposite, he is laid back and easy going. We've raised them the same way.. I agree with the others about going to see someone, some kids do what she is doing for no reason, but the fact that you have no idea what is going on when she is with her father or who ever he leaves her with is concerning. Even if someone is not abusing her in a sexual way, she may be getting yelled by too many people, hearing things she shouldn't hear, or seeing things she shouldn't be seeing. Definitely see someone for yourself and talk to someone about all your concerns with your daughter. I don't know what your beliefs are, but there are a lot of wonderful Christian outreach ministries for families needing help, look online or through the phone book. It might be a good idea to go to court also, to restrict visitation, that way you know who your daughter is with. Be careful to not speak poorly of her father where she can hear you.. I will keep you both in my prayers. M. S

P.S. You yelling at him when she was a baby did not scar your daughter, but she is most likely picking up on peoples emotions, such as you being scared/worried. Don't blame yourself so much, just get help and answers so you can help her.

First of all you are a good mother and you were put in one of the hardest positions EVER. I applaud you for having your daughter and for sticking it out through the depression and crappy father. Your screaming did not scar her. IF that was the case many many babies would be scarred. I am not proud of it but I have all out yelled at my son and he mostly just laughed at me.

I am concerned about the behavior you are describing. What it sounds like is that she is being abused when she is with her father/father's family. Possibly by a female there, since she withdraws from you when she is home. I am assuming that her daycare teacher is also female and thats why she is freezing with her as well. Now that she is so scared that she is wetting her pants I would be REALLY concerned about it.

I personally wouldn't let her go to her father's until you figure out who is abusing her. You may want to take your daughter to a child therapist to figure out what is happening and to get her some help. You dont want to let this go farther. Kids are really resilient and she probably wont remember much of her life right now a few years from now. You want to take care of this now before it gets worse or long term trust issues are developed.

But YOU ARE A GOOD Mother and I doubt it has anything to do with you at all. Dont blame yourself just get your daughter help.

First, I don't think you yelling at her father scarred her. She probably doesn't even know you did it, unless you've repeated this story to her.

Second, you don't have to "make it up to her" that you and her father are no longer together. Be a stable mom with a stable home and get yourself some help. I'm not trying to be harsh, I'm saying that you are carrying some stuff around and the more you carry those things the heavier they become. Find a way to deal with them in a healthy way and your daughter will benefit.

Third, ask her daycare provider if she or he has any ideas on how to help her break out of this shell. If you know that asking her about Daddy makes her freeze up, don't ask about Daddy for a while.

Back talking is NOT because you're not together with her father. Back talking is something that MANY 3 year olds do. Don't stand for it. Discipline is a way of showing her you love her. Give her a timeout every time she does it. Oh, and peeing pants happens. I wouldn't connect that with anything else other than she had an accident. If it becomes a habit, take her to the pediatrician to make sure that there's not something medical going on (infection or whatnot).

Hang in there! Move on with your life, find a way to talk to your ex about your daughter in a mature adult way. It's not about you or your hurts it's about parenting your child.

A., YOU ARE NOT A BAD MOTHER! You are a young mom in a very hard place. Being a mother is the hardest job that you ever have. You mentioned that his parents came in to help you that night, are they involved with Kalie now? Do you have a relationship with His family? Can you ask them what's going on? What about your parents, are they involved with their granddaughter? Are you still in school, or considering a GED? Even if you are not still in school, you can still go to your conselor and ask for help. Do you have a religious preference, get some help from your church/hall. It can be difficult for kids whose parents don't get along to learn how to express themselves. At this stage in life, she learning about independence, and that words can have an affect on her surroundings. Unfortunately my best advice for you is to go through the court system. He does not seem to want to be in her life. I would seek legal and physical custody of your daughter, so that he can't do anything without your express permission. It would also be a good to get an order for child support, and make it payable through the state or the county, that way, you are sure to get money. Also, if you are not on Food Stamps apply for them, she is also guarenteed healthcare. Get yourself down to Social Services and apply for everything that you can. They can also help with counselling for BOTH of you. You can e-mail me if you have any other questions.

kids are resilient, and i really doubt all of her problems can be traced back to that one night where you yelled at her dad in front of her. split families take a little time to negotiate, but still, as long as you're happy and the child feels safe, they're going to turn out alright. it really sounds like your daughter is picking up on your depression and worry. she may not want to answer you because she doesn't know what to say to make you happy. my advice is to calm down and stop blaming yourself. an unhappy parent puts a lot of pressure on a child, whether you mean to or not. it might be a good idea to seek some counseling for yourself.

first off, kudos to you for taking on a really overwhelming task. you sound depressed, and it's no wonder. but you are strong and capable and a good mom, and don't forget it.
screaming in front of little ones is never good. but they're pretty resilient and most kids get over the mistakes we all make. there is no point in beating yourself up. no one is a perfect parent. move on.
i'm more concerned about what goes on when she's with her dad. you are her primary parent, you have an absolute right to know exactly what happens and who she's with during daddy times, and as your daughter's advocate it is very important for you to be assertive about this. there is probably nothing bad going on, but as you say you have no clue. you must get detailed information from your ex-bf about who she's with and contact information. uncomfortable as it is, i would make unscheduled visits. they won't like you, but too bad. the freezing up could just be her age or personality, but since you have no information about what's happening to her you can't assume this is the case, and it does sound as if your instincts are trying to tell you something.
don't panic or over-react, but don't let this go. it's too important. quietly and calmly go about setting up your daughter's visitation weekends so that you can be assured that she is safe, or end them.
good luck.
khairete
S.

Yes children are affected by the actions of their parents. A happy couple is security for the child. But you cannot undo the past so no sense beating yourself up about it. You are very young to be a mother but sounds like you are a very good mother. Expect trials. Continue to be a loving mother. Be firm and be kind in all your doings. Let your daughter know she can always trust you. As she gets older she will learn to cope with her situation. Try to find a church you can attend for a positive blessing to you and her.AF

First off, you are not a bad mom because you yelled at your bf when your daughter was an infant. You are not a bad mom or person because you and your daughter's father broke up. And to suffer from PPD is more common than most people think. Did you seek counseling or are you in therapy now to deal with all you are dealing with? It sometimes helps people to have a safe person to talk to and vent to.

You are right to be concerned about your daughter's reaction when you ask her how her visits with her father were. Does he still live with his parents? I would want to know who she is spending her time with when he has her. Sometimes young men don't make the best decisions in regards to who they associate with or the activities they are engaging in with small children around.

I would ask your preschool teachers for advise in regards to your daughter's behavior. They are a wealth of information and children are their specialty. I would not go into all small details, and I would ask for an appt so the teacher could give you uninterrupted time.

As for the pee accident - kids handle stress in different ways. Try to understand what is upsetting her. Also, understand that she may be feeding off your emotions as well. As parents we try to hide our emotions, but our kids are smart, and they can sense when their parents are upset.

I am a mom of a 4 yr old, 22 month old, and a 24 yr old. I have been thru many situations, but my opinions are not perfect. I hope things do calm down for you soon. Sending big hugs...B. P.

Do you trust your daughter's father and family? I have volunteered with social workers and children and it seems she is showing signs of some kind of emotional distress, particularly when you question her time away from you. I hope this is NOT the case, however, you should make sure you can rule out the possibility that she has been abused in some way. She is certainly young enough that you as her mother can and should protect her from whatever harm you can. It's not time to blame yourself for not being with the father or yelling in front of her. You need to be there for her, emotionally and mentally, as well as physically. I hope things work out for your daughter and you.

I don't think that the one incident in the bed has scarred your daughter, but I wonder if the insecurities of her life are affecting her. I also wonder if all the environments that she may be dropped off into are healthy for a 3 year old. She has a lot of caretakers, and maybe needs more consistency when her father has her.

Maybe you could ask her about what she did for the weekend with her father. Not probing, but as if you were asking a friend what they did for the time. If she locks up again at that question, or acts fearful or uncomfortable, maybe you need to check into what they are doing or who she is with. It is your responsibility to make sure that she is safe. I would start having concerns for her safety if she continues to act fearful about her time with her father or his family. I know that getting the courts involved with the child custody issues usually means the cost of an attorney, but it may also make sure you get the child support that is due you.

My 3 yo won't answer a question to most people when asked,sometimes won't even answer me. If asked harshly I can near guarantee he won't. However he also has no ability to lie it's brutalnhinestyball the time. Like who painted on the wall he will say jack started and I helped or I dd it. He tells on his siblings but he also tells on himself very often. At his most recent drs appointment they couldn't do a vision test or hearing test because he was " uncooperative" we did get a referral to an OT though and walked away with SPD (which I knew just was making it official) his selective mutism really depends on the person and situation though. I've always been so terrified of losing him in a store because 95% of the time unless he physically sees you won't answer his calls either.

The flipside to our story is that while he rarely talks he takes in everything and we were told that he is also very advanced for his age. Tbs from the same kid who when asked his name looks at you and glares. Or when asked can you count with me looks at you like can't you you are a grown up and all.

Think outside the box a little! Know how hard it is I was a mom at 17 too and she just turned 16 this summer.

First of all don't think you are a bad mother, your shouting at her father when she was a baby would not have scarred her in any way. Some of her behaviours are normal for a 3 yr old. Things like the freezing up when asked a question I would have some concerns about. When she goes to stay with him for the weekend do you know exactly how that time is spent? Are the weekend visits arranged by yourselves or are they arranged through courts? If they are just arranged through yourselves then for the time being I would try and talk to her dad (if that is at all possible) and tell him your concerns and that you want visits to take place at your place for x amount of time or agree to go out for a couple of hours together to a park or cinema and then for ice cream. If he is dropping her off with family members as you suspect he might be then she is probably a very confused little girl and doesn't know where she is going to be from one minute to the next for the whole weekend. Do you know his family very well at all? Do you want her being dropped off with whoever? Do you trust them completely to look after her properly? She is your daughter and it is your job to look after her , protect her and make her feel safe , as her dad he should want to spend the whole weekend with her , if he doesn't want to then maybe it would be best for your daughter if he doesn't see her until he can at least grow up and take responsibilty for the child that he has fathered.

I wish you the best

K.

A.,

Please stop thinking you might be to blame for this. While she might remember you yelling at him, I highly doubt it scarred her. And I don't think your break up did either.
Although that probably won't stop her from trying to use the break up as an excuse (for anything) when she is older! ;-)

Instead of thinking of her as a loner, think of her as independent. If you are around when she freezes up when asked questions, kneel down beside her and say something like "Kalie sometimes doesn't answer when someone asks her questions. I don't know if it is because she is feeling shy or scared or something different. But at our house every feeling is ok, and when she is ready she will answer."

You need to get the teachers on board with this, too. They can give her the option of nodding, or shaking her head, but I would say there needs to be some response that she gives. Maybe a thumbs-up for "I am ok". Then, mostly at school, work up to giving a verbal response. Even if it is "I don't feel like talking right now".

She gets to feel whatever she feels, although she will eventually have to start responding. Maybe instead of "What is this shape or color" they can say "Kalie, point to the square" or "Please point to the red flower." Then she doesn't have to answer.

And you should probably quit asking about her time with daddy - you know she probably didn't see him much, and just say "I hope you had a good time this weekend".

Kids have accidents randomly. Please don't worry. She is so lucky to have a mom who loves her soo much. I know how hard it is to be a single parent, probably even harder when you are so young, so give yourself some credit for everything you do!

K.

Thank you for being her Mom. At 17 you have your whole life ahead of you, and you chose the harder path. I know she thanks you too.

I wouldn't worry about the screaming incident. She was a baby. As for the fact that he wouldn't get up, well, that was just rude. I'm married, and I can count on one hand the number of nights that my husband has gotten up with either of our kids. One is now 8 and one just turned 3. I remember the night that I went crying into the room and begging (and I don't normally beg for anything), for him to wake up and take her for just 2 hours. Please I just need sleep for 2 hours. Or the night I was in labor with our first and woke him at 1am after 2 hours sleep to drive me to the hospital. 'what now? If I'd known you were going to wake me now, I'd gone to bed earlier. (grumbling under breath as he went downstairs for a smoke.) Then he had to take a shower before we could leave. I almost called 911 to come get me.

If she continues to have issues, I would suggest having her stay home a weekend or two and see if her personality changes. If she continues having accident, I would have her looked at, she could have a UTI or bladder infection, etc. I would also ask the father who she is around when she is in his care. There could be someone that she doesn't like, etc. Maybe someone is saying things hurtful things and she doesn't want to tell you cuz it would hurt your feelings.

Hugs.
M.

For one thing - stop blaming yourself. If anything, sounds like her dad is to blame for alot of issues. My suggestion is to take her to her doctor and let him/her know about her behavior and then they might be able to give suggestions as to what to do. Your yelling at her dad (which I probably would have done long before you did) would not have affected her to the point that she's acting this way at 3, if it would have affected her at all. There is tension and stress that she is picking up on and doesn't know how to deal with that. Please, call her doctor and set up an appointment and just see what they have to say. My heart goes out to you and your daughter, good luck!!!

I didn't really read the responses you've already gotten, but I wanted to share that I for pregnant at 19, and even with that being 2 years older, it's hard! I think you def deserve a LOT of credit for making a hard decision and for posting here to recieve advice on a tough situation. That being said, my husband and I are doing well, and our children are raised in a two parent home where we don't yell. My son still has accidents for apparently no reason. Sometimes I'd make him go potty and then 10 mins later he'd tell me he peed on his floor. He also often withdraws when asked questions, which I wondered if that was a bit genetic b/c I used to do the same thing in school...testing was hard and required a bit of studying b/c I'd freeze up and second-guess myself. And I still do it when my father-in-law asks me questions. Thankfully, my husband understands that and helps me out. I've heard a lot of reasons given, but I also come from a two-parent home with parents who didn't yell much, and my brothers never had problems like that. I was the weird one in the family b/c I got sick and I didn't test well. And the talking back thing I would say is something all 3 yr olds go through, from my son and his daycare when almost all of the kids did it and the teachers had to start special charts for them. All of us parents who had a 3 yr old for the first time were mortified until all the ones with older kids said all of theirs did it. One thing you may want to look at is whether you daughter feels there's a bully at the daycare. I started asking my son questions and he wouldn't say anything, and then I started asking different questions and found out another little boy was hitting him and being mean to him. He didn't know what to do and thought he'd get in trouble if he told the teacher, and so we had to work through some issues there. Sometimes the teachers don't realize that one child views another as a threat, either, so they don't realize action needs to be taken. I don't think you need to make up anything to her, but she might not really understand. She might have a fear of you leaving, and need to hear that you love her and you're not going anywhere else, etc. Nothing that has happened means you're not a good mother. I think you've shown the opposite: you ended a bad relationship, you notice and listen to what's going on and you've asked for help. All of those show a concerned parent (a good parent), not a bad one. Good luck!

things happen and no it is not good to yell in front of children. you did the right thing by splitting up.

well done and good luck with that.

as for your daughter, dont let this be an excuse for her not behaving.

start registering exactly how much time she actually spends with him as yes this can be damaging to her. and then if it is 50% of the time that he dumps her on someone else just do her the favor of filling for full custady

also you can only do one thing for any child, just love her and love her unconditionally.

and be there for her when she needs it and be patent.

hope this helps.

my 3 year old has listening probs and talks back too.

i think it is the norm.

A.
You are NOT a bad mom! you have given your daughter the gift of life and are now loving her the bast way you know how. Please know that all moms doubt themselves at one point. I would encourage you to continue to love your daughter as much as you can. Help her feel safe and loved when with you and maybe evaluate the time she spends with her dad and his family. I don't think there is anything horribly wrong with her behavior, sounds to me like she may need encouragement and may just be a little shy. seek out help for yourself, maybe family or friends who can support you. Another great support is MOPS. Not sure where you live but there is a great group at my church in Joppa, MD let me know if you are interested.
L.

Hello A.,
Your daughter has a wonderful mom who loves her very much and that will take her a long way in feeling safe and protected in this big 'ol world. The very best thing you can do for her is make sure that the people she spends her time with also love and protect her like you do. Before you can call out her father's (and his family's) influences, look at where you are right now. Are you taking care of your own needs? Did you ever get help or find someone to talk to about your PPD and your struggles as a young, single mother? When your world is safe, happy, and healthy for you, it will envelope the world of your daughter too. You ARE her world. Right now you sound so worried, so alone, so tightly-wound that she HAS to feel it too. She can't tell you. She can only show you through her actions. Even you seem to not realize that she is just a little reflection of you right now. When YOU are truly happy, so will she. Is there anyone you can talk to about YOU and your needs (family or church)? Is there a MOMS club or someone your family physician (if you have one--I don't) could recommend? At 20, you are taking on A LOT and sacrificing A LOT for your little girl. You deserve all the support in the world. Good luck!