Need Advice on How to Help My Husband Handle His Kids

I don't have stepkids, but I AM a stepkid. There are some things in your post that seem odd to me:
"Handling HIS kids" These kids are part of the package deal.
"...Useless to spend money on something that will not be used" Really? If your daughter was with your ex EOW, would you want him to buy her some clothes?
"I thought about putting all 3 girls in the same room and putting them on opposite weekends so "place to sleep" is not an issue and making them start bringing clothes to wear from their mom's house." Do you mean split up the sisters--or does YOUR daughter go EOW to her dad's too?
Why are you & hubby communicating with his ex about the activity schedule and why "can't" you get them to their activities?
No it's not right to take their room away from them. How would that feel?
I'm sorry, you don't buy them any clothes, you won't do their laundry, you thought about putting them on opposite weekends, you miss their activities...what exactly do you DO for these kids?
I'm sorry, but it sounds like the last thing you need right now is a baby.

Yeah -- tell your husband to stop yelling at them. I don't understand why you are worried about things like where they sleep when the main problem is their father is always yelling at them. What's a worse behavior -- moaning and bellyaching (them) or yelling (their father)?? I love when the adults have worse behavior than the kids but they think the kids are the ones with the problem.

By the way -- I used to yell way too much, so I can be blunt about this.

If they are 12 and 14, they can make their OWN minds up whether they want to go to their father's house. I am on the other side, my kids do NOT want to go either, it is up to their FATHER to foster his OWN relationship with his kids, not you, not me, not their mother...I'll tell you what I tell my ex-husband.....take them to lunch, pick them up at school, learn to text, friend them on facebook, be involved in THEIR lives, don't expect them to want to be involved in yours...they just want to be in their OWN house, with their own friends, own things, neighboorhood, dogs, etc....so yeah, they're not going to be at their best while at your house, it SUCKS for kids to live even just for a weekend in someone else's house....forget the staying overnight and expecting them to fit into YOUR lifestyle, it's not about you....and for Heaven's sake, STOP judging their mother, they will forever resent you for it!

Just my opinion, but if your husband "yells" at his kids a lot, he was doing it before he met you, he needs to seek a change. No matter how much you would like him to be a better father, until he's ready to examine himself and see how he is and see that there needs to be a change he'll never do it or stay with it. He should go to a parenting class. It's not the kids fault, if they forget to tell him about an activity, and he yells, this is how he deals with being a parent. My son forgets to tell me all the time he needs to go here or there. I don't yell at him, I let him know if I don't know in advance don't be mad if you don't get there. Of course most of the time I'll take him but he knows he might not get to go.

I like what one of the other mother's wrote how can these girls feel like this is their house or they want to be there if they have a temporary room, bed, etc. I have no idea how big of a house you have but I think each of them should have at least their own bed, not a hid-a-bed, unless that is what the girls requested. You should have clothes for them, they shouldn't have to bring clothes from their mom's house unless they want too. This is suppose to be "THEIR" house too, they are only kids, I don't care that they are 12 and 14, they are kids. They didn't ask for their parents to divorce or to be brought into the world. Since their parents aren't together, it's still both of their responsibility to PROVIDE for these girls. And how do you think it's going to feel to them when you and your husband bring another child into this world, who probably will have her/his own room because the child lives there all the time.

I have a 15, 13 and 3 year old. Kids make messes, and hate to do chores, I do too. It still has to be done, they will never be happy about doing it, just get use to a little fussiness there. I complain myself, it's good that you do chores as a group, so they see that they aren't the only one cleaning.

Just think how it must feel to the girls. I think you need to make your house their house too. Even if they are only there a few times a month.

it's hard to understand your post but will try:
laundry: they're old enough to do their laundry.
buying new clothes: of course you have to buy them clothes, not because they may need them but because they're his kids and deserve 'treats' like that. at the end of the visit pack their clothes and send them with them.
yelling- what can i say. get to the root of the problem. sounds like miscommunication about their activities. well do weekly updates from mom: where they need to be what time and what to bring. so you have printed schedule that you need to follow.
room: they need to be separate from your daughter. age i mean your daughter must be younger so they won't be ok with sharing a room with her.
new baby: congrats, no one should tell you when it's time to have a baby, and no one needs to give you their blessing for you to have a baby.
stepkids: usually cause huge headaches.
steparents: usually cause huge headaches.
but you're all a family now. learn how to coexist.

I think some family counseling for him and the girls, and later you as well, would do a world of good. Even the best teens can be challenging, and being a part time parent makes it even harder. Is there any way he could get them more of the time to form a stronger bond with them? I would not take their room, they need a place to feel they belong when they are with you, other wise they will always feel like they are guest, outsiders in your new family, and they will probably act out even more.

Things with kids this age can be difficult under the best of circumstances.
You, my friend, do not have the best of circumstances, unfortunately.
It's not the end of the world, but it's not easy either.
I've been a step kid....
I've had step kids....

You've got a whole dynamic going on, which can't be any easier with your husband in mediation with his ex-wife. Mediation means agreeing on what's best for the kids and agreeing how to co-parent. That has to start exclusive of a new step parent or step siblings. Communication, the parents discussing activities that are scheduled or agreed to as opposed to leaving it up to the children, etc.
Most mediators have been around the block a few times. They've seen it all and they've heard it all. They can tell when a kid chooses one parent over the other because they have a bigger TV or buy them anything they want and don't make them do chores. No kid is going to come out and say they love doing chores. But, the yelling....I admit I've raised my voice to my children and it never emotionally scarred them, but I've never yelled at them. I think there's a difference in the volume of your voice because kids can be really great at pretending not to hear you and outright yelling.
If they're getting yelled at everytime they visit their dad because they're not doing their chores or their laundry and basically they'll spend the weekend grounded, they may be in a pissy mood before they ever get there.
My ex went to the extreme the other direction. He never made his son lift a finger. Not even put his own plate in the sink. The kid got suspended from school and my husband refused to even say anything because he was afraid he'd like his mom better if he disciplined him. That did the kid no favors either. There has to be a balance. And, like it or not, hopefully the parents can reach a balance to that the blending of the new family doesn't seem so rocky.
As far as clothes, the kids brought some, but we also had clothes for them at our house. Clothes are just one of those things that can be considered a waste for any growing child when you think about it. Why bother? They won't fit in 3 months. But, kids have to have clothes. It's summer. Have some shorts and tops, some sneakers, some sandals, some underwear, pajamas, a couple sweatshirts, you're good to go.
Laundry? I agree with teaching them how to do it. My step son had never lifted the lid on a washing machine until he came to stay with us, but I wasn't about to send dirty clothes home to his mother. I didn't "do it" for him, I showed him how. This is how much soap we use on this cycle, this is how the dryer works and this is how we fold. We did it together. It was our ritual every Sunday before he went back home. His mom was pretty mean to me, but she did appreciate the clean laundry.
We were fortunate in that we had a room for the boys when they came to stay with us. I think that's really important so the kids can feel like it's their house too.
Don't engage yourself in tit for tat over where the clothes come from or how they get washed or if they bellyache over chores.
The focus should be on trying to blend, not divide.
My step son actually got to where he and I got a long just great, if his dad wasn't around to butt in and say he shouldn't have to help mow a lawn or feed the dog. It's not you against them.
I think some therapy for the yelling and working on a relationship between the girls and their dad would be really good and then you joining in as things progress so that you can be a happy family in the long run.
I wonder if they sense your desire to add a new baby and are conflicted about it. Those could be valid feelings. Where will that leave them in the equation?
The other thing I want to say is about chores...if you knew how many intact families I know that go through the same thing with their kids rolling their eyes or acting like they're being killed for picking up after themselves, you would realize that they aren't doing anything that out of the ordinary.
But, calmer heads prevail.
I mean no offense whatsoever, but I think you need to look at things as they stand and how to make them better as opposed to adding another level to be worked out, such as a new baby.
I know a mom who just got full custody of her kids because there was no where for them to sleep other than on the couch or the floor at dad's house. They didn't have a dresser or a closet. It didn't make him a bad father, but they didn't see it as the "slumber party" he tried to make it sound like. They had their own rooms at home. They had their friends. When they stayed with dad and step mom, they had the floor. And, that's all families can do sometimes, but it can be h*** o* the kids.
In the best of circumstances, all parents involved only care about the best interests of the children. Making them feel comfortable and okay with losing their biological parents as a couple and accepting someone new.
The kids can't handle all of that themselves. They need a core of agreement and affection and yes, boundaries because any kid worth their salt will try to cross them.
It's going to take work.
I would work on what you have in your hands before adding a new child.
That's just my personal opinion.
These girls will be half sisters to a new baby so you need to get things right with them before that transpires.
Yelling less. Helping more.
Parenting classes.

I wish you the best.

Sounds like you're doing a lot right. The age group is difficult, and step-families just have more emotional issues to deal with anyway. (I know first-hand; I remarried when my daughter was an adolescent.) Nothing will make all the problems magically transform, but they can get so much easier to deal with.

I'm a strong proponent of compassionate and empathetic parenting, because it gets results with kids of all ages, improves mutual understanding and respect, and reduces stress. You and your husband can find out more about it in How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk. It coaches you along so you can immediately start incorporating the simple and sensible examples into your everyday situations.

I think you'll both be glad with this approach, because it will not only help you deal more effectively with negativity, but your overall communication will improve. This book teaches you how to listen compassionately to these young people in a way that helps them identify their issues, and opens opportunities for them to come up with appropriate solutions (kids can often do this when given the chance!). And you or their dad don't become push-overs – you find out how to effectively present your own needs and limits in a way kids can hear better.

Wow - I'm not sure if your kids(stepkids) really feel like they are welcome at your house. They absolutely should have clothes and their own space - otherwise you are just a hotel they are forced to visit every other weekend..and how many chores are you packing in to a two day stay? I'm not sure that would be at the top of my priority list if I only saw my kids four days a week. And your husband is the adult in this situation - he should be communicating in writing/email w/ the ex about activities, etc...don't mean to be harsh here but these kids sound like they are low on the list of things that are important in your life..

If you yell at someone, especially your children, you are only setting an example that it's alright to act this way and you aren't in control of your self to handle things properly. Unless there's an emergency and you need help, yelling is never ok! My parents divorced when I was very young and I always took my own clothes when I went for a visit. I may have had an extra change of clothes at my dad/stepmoms house but that was it. Why in the world do you make them do their laundry before going home. Give them a grocery sack for their laundry and they can take the dirty clothes back home (mom's house). From what you've said, I can understand why they don't want to visit. Yes, they should have a designated place to sleep when they are there. Remember they are kids and they don't think about informing their dad about their plans in advance. This is something the parents usually have a calendar of or know about from the daily routines and make sure the kids are there when necessary. Maybe you or him could better coordinate this with the mom before they come visit. You can't expect the exact same feelings for you as for their mom but you can have a loving/respectful relationship if you also show them this same treatment.

Being a step parent is hard work. Being a step child/having parent's who are split up(divorced,remarried,never were married and have married others etc.) is even harder! I am sorry you have so much going on. I can offer a little advice. One thing that might really help you, is to not worry about what their mother is or isn't doing and is or isn't saying. You will never be able to change her or make her do things the way you want and you should not waste your time on that. The what ifs,assumptions and the whole thinking you know what she is doing and why she is doing it etc. just ends up stressing you out and wasting your time. You have plenty more important things to focus on. Be the best you can be and set a good example for the girls when they are with you. Try to give yourself a break when they aren't with you.I know it is easy to let this all consume you. I have been there. While you may not agree with the girl's mother and the way she does things, she will always be their mother and they will always love her. They can grow to love you as well. It has taken me many years to develop the relationship I have with my step son. We have a special relationship, I am secure in where we are and what my purpose is, it is by no means the same as what he shares with his mother(I would never want it to be or want to take that from her) but, we have come by leaps and bounds from where we started! I know that when my husband and I have our own children we will be great parents! We have learned a lot from parenting his son-my step son! I am also secure in knowing that my husband married me and not his son's mother. I don't worry about her even when she tries to manipulative. I brush it all off and see it as her being unhappy in her own life. I hope that your husband and his ex can be successful in their mediation. I hope you will encourage your husband to stop yelling. That is not good for anyone. If he is in the habit of yelling now,,,won't he yell when you all have kids? Maybe you could set up a reward chart for doing their chores or reward them with a family activity they like? It is normal for kids your stepchildren's age to not want to do chores but, if you are consistent and positive with them they will come around. It is also normal for them to want to be at home at this age-with their friends,their neighborhood,their stuff etc. While my step son loves coming here, sometimes he gets upset because a toy or book he wants is at his mom's house or he will go back to his mom's house and leave a shirt he wanted to wear here etc. I do my best to make sure he leaves with everything he comes with etc. He has some clothes here,bathing suits,flip flops,extra pjs,sweatshirts,a few tshirts and shorts, in the winter a coat,snow clothes etc. We buy him clothes a couple times and year and he brings a bag back and forth whenever he stays-that way he can wear what he wants. We always keep some stuff here just in case he forgets or needs an extra change of clothes etc. He has toys etc at both houses and is allowed to take most things back and forth. Good luck to you. :) Message me if you need to talk or need any support.

Counseling sounds good but you really need to slack up. I'm sure this mediation has not been easy on them...and having a step mom regardless of ya'lls relationship is not easy either. Sounds like you guys need to get a bigger place before you start planning on having another child. You definately shouldn't take away their room. 3 girls in one room is a disaster waiting to happen. If you take away their room they aren't going to see it the way you do. They'll see it as being placed on the back burner.

This is a tough one because usually it's the other way around, the custodial house is the nasty house and the every other weekend house is so much better.........

I think maybe counseling.......and a big talk with the kids.........let them know that he loves them, but he wants them to grow up to respect others, possessions of others as well as their own, and be good adults..........and yes, he understands that Mom is different, but this is his house............and he loves them to be there.....

With all that said, maybe he should ease up a bit on them and maybe only do a few things at a time, work on one issue, then go for another one when that one is fixed.........I don't know how long they've been divorced or whatever, but they may feel that you are more important to him than they are........so if they don't feel wanted or loved, then that could be alot of the issue.

I think it's best that you all sit down and talk....you don't say how old your child is, but you might want to do this with just them............also, make sure they have time alone with Dad for at least a couple of hours when they are there if you can sometimes. It's an adjustment for everyone........and although they may just be spoiled brats, unless you talk things out and get things out in the open, you won't know.............this could be their way of punishing him for the divorce even if it wasn't anyone's fault..........

You can make this work, I did, and we ended up with custody........but you really have to be a good listener and very watchful.........not of what they may be saying, but how they say it and how they react.........if all else fails, get counseling and maybe that will help everyone involved.

Oh, and if they can't report where they are and when they are coming back, then they don't go.........and if they are late coming back, they get reprimanded, even something small.......you have to be able to keep them safe, even if they don't like it.

Take care and good luck.

I don't have any "step" issues myself, but it sounds like some of the smaller details can be resolved. For clothes, you can buy them something simple so this is no longer an issue. Maybe some t-shirts from the craft store that you can decorate as a family activity. A calendar to make sure the activities are coordinated. If you don't have enough space something will have to change whether or not everyone's there full time. If they don't have their "own" bed then maybe use their favorite sheets and pillowcases. Or set up a separate bulletin board and display shelf for each of them.
I think it's great that you are doing chores together as a family. Does your husband join in? Do all the chores have to be done on the weekends or can some of them be put off for another day?
At least they will know how to do laundry some day when they go off to college. Are they complaining because laundry is lot of work or just because you asked them to do something? Maybe you could divide the laundry chore so that one person dumps the hamper into the washer and the other one moves it to the dryer.