Behavioral Issues with 11 Year Old.

Eleven is a horrible year. Twelve and thirteen aren't much better. If you can afford to, get her a counselor. She needs someone to talk to with whom she can say anything and get some sound guidance. Best of luck to you!

I think it might be hormonal . she is at the age when girls often get an attitude. or feeling's that they just don't understand. I would ask her what is really bothering her and tell her it is ok to have an open line of communication with you. see it it helps Krissy

Hello. I was in this same position except I was the sibling of the kid that wanted the attention from dad. I could have cared less that my dad only showed up when it was convenient for him but my younger sister had some major issues with it. The bottom line is that she is going to have to discover for herself that he's "just not that interested". Take her to counseling all you want but this is a harsh life lesson that he is teaching her. Eventually she will appreciate the fact that YOU were there for her and he "couldn't be bothered". YOU need to be strong for her and be there when he breaks her heart (and he will). I understand that this sounds harsh but my mom was tough. She never bad-mouthed him in front of us. Everything we know about him is what he showed us himself. Stay strong for your kids. This is far from the end but if you are prepared to be there and be stable for her, that is all that matters. Good luck and I mean it!

~V

E.,

Sounds like you are doing a great job! Getting her counseling is very important, so that she has an outlet for her anger, frustration and sadness over the loss of her family. Divorce is difficult, and even though it's six years later, she is in need of some way to reconcile her grief and it's awesome that you are helping her do that.

Pre-teen years are tough. Kids start comparing themselves to each other, and disecting every aspect of their lives...it is tough when your family looks different from everyone else's. Hormones create a whole new understanding of feelings and emotions, and can manifest itself in bad grades and acting out.

You are doing a great thing by keeping an open dialogue with your daughter about her feelings, school and your divorce. Keep up the good work!

Don't worry about Dad, you can't motivate him to be there and be involved...your job is to be the best Mommy you can be for your kids. If he can't pick up the ball and keep carrying it, then that's his problem. Just keep doing what you're doing and your kids will be greatful they had such and involved Mommy.

A lot of girls go through something like this. Some of it can be realted to her body changing through puberty and her father's reaction to it. Many dads pull away from their daughters at this stage because they are afraid of their daughter's sexuality. Please encourage your ex to keep involved, hug her often and push himself through his discomfort. This will give her self esteem around boys because she won't feel like her body is something to be ashamed of. She should be proud of and own her body as it changes and a dad's approval and love are vital at this stage. Sports and dance can also help if dad just can't get on board. Good luck!

I think she's playing you up. I find it hard to believe she has no friends with divorced parents. Really? My kids tell me we're the only parents NOT divorced.
Jr. Hi. is difficult to begin with. and, maybe she needs some more attention. He should get more involved. A daily phone call and chat may help. When he's not around, try to spend some quality time with her. And, try to keep her active and busy.
Good luck and God Bless.

Erika: I am a divorced mom with two daughters, 11 and 22. I taught Redirecting Children's Behavior Classes for 15 years and now am a Parenting Coach. Your daughter is a preteen and it is common at this age that they start to detach from their mother. Under normal circumstances, it is common to experience this detachment as it ebs and flows through her teen years. The way the detachment manifests varies among all preteens and teens so some of her behavior may be related to this developmental stage. It may really help if you acknowlege her feelings and make it as safe as possible for her to share her negative feelings with you. Your job is to listen, accept her feelings and try to understand her perspective. You don't have to agree with her but make that all of her emotions are acceptable. Her behaviors may not be acceptable however. You may want to try to have a heart to heart talk with your former or better yet try to teach her how to express her feelings to her dad. That would actually be the biggest gift that you could give her actually. If she has the practice and skills of expressing her feelings and needs to her father or anyone for that matter, those skills will help her to be in other healthy realationships in her future. I could indelve much more so if you want more, feel free to wrtie back. Best, Peg

Hi E.,
I'm a school counselor and this is the age I have worked in elem and middle school. I have found that around the age of 12, kids really start getting an awareness of their parents as 'people' that they didn't have before. This is causing her to reinterpret the divorce and continue to process how it affects her life and her views of her family. It is a developmental thing. What you described, I see a lot with kids of divorce when they reach middle school. As they mature they start to understand things about marriage and relationships that they couldn't comprehend as a small child.
Your heart's in the right place and you are doing the right thing by being there for her and being open to talking about it. She may want to discuss and re-discuss things as her awareness grows and perspective shifts. So don't be surprised if she asks the same questions over and over. She's lucky she has her mom to talk to.

Hello Erika:

I experienced this same concern with my son. He was little younger, but then another episode when he went to middle school. There are many catalyst that may be triggering your daughters behavior. One that comes to mind is a sense of insecurity when she enters into a new level of education. Her need to feel protected and safe is a driving force to desire her father's affection and attention. The initiation of these emotions can begin from conversations at school with her peers, to seeing her friends supported by their father's during dropping off or picking up at school. I found that prayer and reminding him of me being their for him eventually helped. Sometimes children do not want us to fix everything, they just want to be able to trust you and have an avenue to voice how they feel without consequences and judgement. I know that you hurt inside I did for about 1 year and a half, but he came around. He apologized for his behavior in school and at home and said he was angry with his father for leaving us and he was taking it out on us (his sister and I) and tha was not fair. If you continue to provide a safe and nurturing environment for your daughter and pray for her, God will bring her through this. But please know that it is natural for a young lady to long for her father's attention and love. We as mothers cannot compensate for it, but we can do our part as mothers. Continue to talk to your ex-husband and encouarage him to be a part of your children's lives. Continue to explain to him how it affects your daughter. Men need to hear things over, over, and over. They are fighting through ego and their guilt. We as mothers should make the environment as easy as possilbe for our children's father to see them; not for the father, but for our children. Our children are very intellectual and discerning creatures they will put it all together in the end. God Bless You.

she is finding buttons to push to get her attention, and to get her out of trouble for not doing what she is suppose to do, typical for this age, check who she is hanging around with, sounds like the girls been talking.. maybe to much time on her hands, get her into some sort of music lessons sports, or something she can feel proud of doing.. don't be surprised if she has a smart mouth on her, if it hasnt started it will, this to shall pass if you nip it in the butt..

sounds more like she's using the divorce as an excuse for her behavior, especially since its been 6 yrs!!! while i have no doubt that it probably does bother her to an extent, i think she realized using this made her behavior more acceptable and not having to be more accountable for her own actions. i would suggest trying to get out of her what is really going on, telling her that you know that the divorce is really not the issue. usually, when confronted with the truth, they fess up what is really bothering them (friends, boys, new school, etc). maybe the school counselor can speak with her, they can be a very good resource. good luck.

It sounds like you are on the right track, so keep it up. I know it is exhausting. Part of her attitude is age, but you are probably correct in your assessment of her missing her dad. Bad attention is better than no attention and if her getting in to trouble means that you and her dad will be talking more frequently, well.... Tell her dad that you would rather her get male attention from him instead of some pimply faced 14 year old boy. That may spur him into action. Good luck.

first i would like to share that my daughter, who is almost 11, has been challenging lately. i think some of it is the age, and that the horomones! are kicking in. her dad and i have been divorced since she was a baby. i know it is very difficult to have two homes and have to go back and forth, and i have been quick to acknowledge this and support her. however! my big thing is that even though it is hard, we still expect her to be respectful and get her stuff done. in other words, yes, life can be hard, but you still must persevere and accomplish necessary everyday tasks. i think it is possible that your daughter is feeling a lot of pain about the divorce, especially since she was a bit older when it happened, but i think it is important to convey that it is not an excuse for poor behavior. my mom always reminds me to make sure i am acknowledging my daughter's feelings, so that she knows her feelings do matter. i do that, but i also make sure to tell her that even if she is mad, sad, or whatever, she still needs to be respectful. (her biggest issue is a sassy attitude toward me and not listening when i ask her to do something). i don't know if this is helping but what i am trying to say is that we have to be supportive and loving and still FIRM. our kids don't realize it, but they want and need boundaries and responsibilities. one thing that might help w/ the school situation is taking away privileges (i think even using the ipod is a privilege) until she gets her situation squared away. it is helpful if there are things they really like/enjoy. for example, internet time, tv/movies, hanging out with friends, phone use... all of these can be taken away if the child is not getting his/her responsibilities met. good luck. oh and one friend says if your child is not mad at you sometimes, you must not be doing your job as a parent!! :) good luck and hang in there.
i just looked at your request again and i would like to suggest judy blume books, such as It's Not the End of the World, b/c she is so great at relating to this age and the title i mentioned specifically addresses a child experiencing parents going thru divorce. also, i know it is so hard, but we cannot control what are exes do and how much effort they put forth. that is THEIR relationship with the child and unfortunately our children will have to experience some of the lame qualities about our exes that we already know about... all we can do is be supportive, loving, and consistent.

Don't let her dad's actions be his decision. I mean it is up to a point but I know at times I have had to take control of their relationship.

Phone calls require no action on his part but to pick up the phone. Pick a night or two each night to have HER call HIM (if you think he will be reluctant don't tell him, just have her call. If she is reluctant just call him anyway, she won't hang up on her dad) I have often dialed the phone and hand it ringing to my son to talk to his dad-they have a good time talking and thank me after wards.

Look at her life and figure out how he can be involved and then invite him to it. Does she play a sport? he can come to practice. Does she play an instrument? He can come to lessons or just call him and let him listen to her play.
Is there a movie she wants to see, schedule a night for him to take her.
She is not part of his daily plan so it's often harder to see where he fits into what she's doing.

It will seem like more work for you in the beginning but, trust me, it pays off dividends. Eventually it will become part of what they do and you won't have to.
Maybe you won't have this problem the next time a teenage life crisis comes up.

Good Luck.

Hi E.,

I am a life coach and a yoga teacher. I mostly work with young people and teach yoga to young people. I am a teen resource and your daughter can ask me questions through this website: www.besteveryou.com -- my approach is different than a counselor if that doesn't work, give me a call. Without talking to her, it's hard to say exactly what's going on... I did, however, just write a new article that will be published on the above website for February titled, "Help, It's Valentines Day and My Parents are Getting Divorced" -- let me know if you're interested in reading it or check it out yourself online after Feb. 5th

I also know about a few different options for pre-teen and teen empowerment programs, which might be another approach. There are many wonderful programs that would support her in being her best self. Here are a few:

www.motivatingtheteenspirit.com
http://www.landmarkeducation.com/landmark_forum_for_young...
www.mybeautycamp.com
www.yogabuddies.com
http://www.timeoutretreat.com/

Wishing you and your daughter all the best,
K.
Here's my website:
www.kristinecastro.com

I think you're spot-on with the reasons you list. 11 years old and suddenly her little body is being racked by hormones and feelings she doesn't understand. Plus, at this age, nothing is more important than fitting in, especially when you're in the youngest group at a new school. It might help for you to make friends with another divorcee who has a son/daughter the same age. Though your daughter may resist making friends, she may not and may find someone just like her. Keep reminding her how much you love her and how much you want her to be successful in school and how much her father loves her, even though he's missing from a lot of her life. See if there's a way to workout a mid-week dinner with her and her dad, if he lives close enough. Or, if you're on friendly terms with your ex, maybe you could make it a joint dinner, his and your family together once a week in excess of the every-other-weekend... Also, see if she can get involved in sports, or some other organized activity. I've found that most kids who are kept busy with these kinds of activities fare better than those who have nothing to do but dwell on the crappy situation they perceive to be living in. Or, if that's not possible, see about volunteering at a shelter or an orphanage on the weekends, or at least once a month. It will instill a sense of civic duty in your daughter as well as eventually make her see that she's not so bad off...

A mother told me that the principle of a local middle school told the parents in a meeting that there is ALLOT of sexual stuff going on in the school in front of the other students. This atmosphere would be h*** o* any student. You could think about pulling her out and homeschooling by enrolling her in OFL Opportunities for learning. You take them there twice a week. She has a reason for having pain. Tell her you recognize that she has pain. That doesn't mean she isn't loved by both of you at two different homes. Find out what her love language is by reading "The five love languages" It's a purple book. I can't remember the author right now. Also there is a website loveandlogic.com help parents use one liners that help with problem kids. I would buy it and share it with your x-husband. Good luck, M. R

Go see Susie Walton at Indigo Village in Encinitas. She teaches a couple clases about childrens behavior. The first is Redirection Childrens Behavior and the other is for teens. I believe she also councils people. She is totally awesome and raised 4 teen boys while being divorced.

Call Indigo Village. Good Luck

N. Brandt

Hi E.,
It sounds like you are doing all the right things. Just keep in mind that your daughter is at a difficult age. The pre-teen years are tough. Everything seems to be emotional and intense. They are in that middle zone - between being a kid and being an adult. The need to fit in socially is huge. I didn't want you to think it was just you and your daughter....the pre-teen and teen years are tough all the way around for everyone.
Best of luck to you,
Linda