Advice on Behavior

Definitely get her into "THERAPY"---divorce is brutal for kids and she needs to get to the real problem to deal with her emotions. This is something you can not do for her b/c you are too close to her and not biased enough when it comes to her feelings. Seek out a good Clinical Therapist and then you can both go together later and discuss her issues. Good Luck and hope you can use this advice!!--K.

I am so sorry you are having to go through this. Know it will end. To get to the end, you and your girls are going to have to work through some heavy stuff, and the girls need somebody who is not you or their father to do that with. This is definitely a time for family therapy, with a trained therapist. I recommend a psychologist or social worker who is experienced in play therapy. Probably you will need a mix of kinds of sessions, some all together, others with just one or both girls and the therapist. And you may need your own therapy with the same or a different counselor. (If you have more than one counselor involved, give them permission to talk to one another so that they don't give conflicting advice.) This may need to go on for several months. Good luck.

Wow! From teacing experience with this age (I know it is not the same as our own kids.) YOU have to respect THEM first. I know it sounds crazy, and probably not the way you were raised. But please listen, I have taught several classes of kids, and every year my kids come back to me b/c I loved them for who they were. Year after year they come back for hugs and affection more than any other teacher. The teachers that 'demand' to be respected NEVER get it from the kids. The kids get more and more defiant. Now, you are probably thinking ya ya ya those classes are all tree huggers too! ;) But, really my class is always at the top, walks the line, follows every direction, yatta yatta--because they know I am acting out of love not frustratoin. (I always have a 'plan' discussed with them also before anything ever happens. Then I follow it immediately after behavior. Also if I am really mad about what they did, I never talk to them until I have calmed down--part of our plan--they sit in a special place and wait for me!) They know I respect them as a person first not some little kid. In return they respect me so much! I never show judgement, just talk real to them. This is how I feel when you do this... I don't like it when you bla bla bla... How do you think others feel when you do... What do you want to be when you grow up... how are you going to get there doing this...

Forget your husband and forget the past. All you have is now. Be the person you want them to be. You have all been through a lot and it will be a tough road. Best of luck!

**Also, talk to the school counselor. Ours does tons of little small group talks with other kids going through the same thing.

I'm going to keep this short and simple. 1) PLEASE get some counseling. 2) Your daughter is hurting and is possibly blaming herself for what happened. 3) BE POSITIVE; treat her positively and you will get positive results. And lastly, I have one word for you: Retrouvaille (pronounced retro-vi) (long i) It's a program designed for the troubled or broken marriage. If you want to get back together, they can help, but if you just want to learn how to get along better as a divorced couple for the benefit of your children, they can help you with that as well.

http://www.retrouvaille.org/

I can relate to your story. When my husband and I divorced he. too, told my 10 yr. old daughter untrue things about me. As I later learned he had actually done some of that all along the way. The first thing I want to tell you is that time will make the truth obvious. Because you are the one that is there for her, and there every day, she will see what is true about your nature and put it together for herself. Being consistent in your availability and committment to your daughter will show her more than anything words will say. Secondly, if you can see a family/child therapist together, a good one can really help. Make sure the therapist specializes in your daughter's age group and knows the issue of the lies up front. Good luck and hang in there. It does get better.

Sorry to hear about your divorce and your husband bad-mouthing you- I hope you are not doing the same. Children are always the real victims in divorce. First of all, if you are trying to teach her not to "act out" then you need to lead by example and stop spanking her. You are only teaching her that when you don't get your way to act out in a violent, physical manner. This is not teaching her to use her words, which is what you want. It sounds like you all need a lot of therapy to get through this. Your daughters, especially the older one, have lost more than a Dad, they have lost their "home", their security, their family, their future as they knew it and everything else that they have ever known. You had a life before your marriage, they do not have any concept of life without their parents together. I am a child of divorce, though I was younger than yours. My biological father had nothing to do with me, which turned out o.k. because he was a jerk and I had a much better life without him. Fortunately, or unfortunately, your daughters had a great relationship with their dad, so they lost more. It hurts to think or know that someone who gave you life could forget about you for even a second, much less days at a time. They need your love, compassion and tenderness - and patience - now more than ever. You are at a crucial point of holding on to them or losing them - in their hearts and minds. This will all stick with them for a lifetime. Show them love and patience and counseling and you will all be fine. Spankings hurt more emotionally than physically. They last forever.

Just from reading it seems like you are bitter at Dad also and that makes it hard to relate to the children especially the 7 year old. You know now that she knows many things she should not and that seems to unnerve you. You need to have quality time with the girls. You say you are very busy with school and sports; maybe one on one time would serve you also. If you step back and look at the way you are discipling the 7 yr old you will see that you are reinterating things the father has said. You do not need to become the villian. Whoopings (as you call them) and taking away her priviledges are only making her think that you are the bad guy in all this. Try reasoning with her and doing things with only her to improve your relationship. You need to make her see you are not the way her fatehr said. Whether what her Dad said was true or not she preceives it as truth and you just need to concentrate on the child. She needs love and nurturing to make her return to the right track. It seems that her father is not in the picture often by his choice; if it is not by his choice and you are not letting the girls have time with him that could be a problem. You need to also make sure you do not say bad things about him in front of them because it will make them even more out of control. If you and the father could sit down and resolve some of the tension between the two of you and start to concentrate on the children; you will find the girls will turn around. Sometimes you just have to do things with the ex that you don't really think is right knowing your feelings toward him and begin to think about your children.

It's sounds very much like your ex-husband has done something quite deliberate in saying all the lies to your eldest in order to put her in the middle, no kid should ever be put in this position, it's not an easy place to be especially at 7.
You also said he only calls or sees them when it's convienant for him, what an ass. Firstly tell him it's not on the "when it's convienant", you can't map your kids around your life you have to map your life around your kids. I know it maybe be hard for her but try and see if you can just get her to talk about it with you, you should be her mom and her best friend as well or see if there is someone she can talk it over with somewhere she feels "safe and secure".
Oh and it's obvious he doesn't or he'd make time for his kids.
Just remind her you love her and it hurts to see her doing this, show her your hurting, it might get a response a good or bad one who know but it should get a response.
I hope this works itself out.

God bless you for being a great single mom of two. I totally understand you because I'm a single mom of one so I know how the load gets. With your daughter first I would start praying to God to help you with wisdom and guidance thru this situation. I think her dad needs to sit down and have a long talk with her on what's going on. He needs to apologize to her for things not working out with you guys for the childs sake. If she is really close with him she might get a better understanding on what has really happened. He then needs to love on her by plannig outings with her. Maybe it would help if you both would go just for her sake and get her thru this void. If he could wise up and make some time just for his lil girls because it seems that is what she is used to. He needs to dedicate wkds with her or them. They really need him and it's very important that he makes a sacrifice for the sake of them. You can start to reward her more and praise her for the lil things. When she achieves a good day in school set aside a prize she will get. Love on her right now because believe it or not they have to deal with the pain just like we do. I don't say negative things about my childs father to her no matter what. I know what type of person he was but she doesnt need to know because she looks up to him just because he's her father. You and him need to have a heart to heart about your children no matter what has happened between yall. It's time to forgive one another and focus on the blessings that GOd has given you because they are a blessing in your life. He needs to wise up and pray for him to become a better father and role model. Also I will keep you in my prayers. It's not easy being a mom and especially a single one.

I'm sure you are getting tons of advice and I pray that some of it will be helpful to you. Let me just say, having been through it, that being honest and not bad mouthing is the best thing. And some therapy.
Best Wishes
Jen

A. , unfortunately, this type of thing will happen with divorcees.There is not much you can do about it,except teach them the right way and demand it. they will respect you ,and hopefully they will learn your way.Do the best you can when you have them and pray for their future.

A.,
You have to be consistent in your actions with your daughter. Her world is upside down as is yours right now. You may want to consider talking to your pastor or a counselor. There may be a counselor with the school that will work with her there. I lost my first husband in a fatal car wreck 2 years ago and when my son started back to school he started seeing a counselor at school that works in our system. It gave him someone to confide in away from me. Right now in her eyes it's your fault, but at the same time she's probably afraid you are going to go away too, like her father. As a mother you are suffering yourself and want things to be okay for your kids but I promise if you are consistent with them things will get easier in time. Remember you are all dealing with this in your own way.
I have learned to be honest with my son and sometimes it seems brutal but it's better for him to know the truth now and deal with it than to find out later and have to deal with the lies and the truth. Do not trash your ex-husband but don't sugar-coat the situation or make excuses for him with your daughters. It's not fair to you or them.

There is a new program that we just over at our church. It is Divorce Care for Kids. They also have a Divorce Care for Adults. Check your area and see if there is anyone offering the program. It is fantastic! Keep praying for your daughter. Most of the times, kids blame themselves for the Divorce. It sounds like some counseling would help her.

I really feel for you. You sound like a great mom with good daughters who are all in a tough situation. It makes me think of how after my parents separated, my mom took care of me and my sister. I think you're right that the underlying issue has to do with stress from the divorce, and it's not that she doesn't know right from wrong. So, not surprising that punishment isn't working. I would really do everything possible to create a space where she can vent her feelings, and counseling/ psychotherapy in particular come to mind. I think the worst thing about what your ex told her isn't so much that it made you look bad, it's that it put your daughter in the middle of the conflict. She's at an age where she would be prone to feeling like she's the one who's supposed to be in charge of keeping things together. Another thought I have is whether your ex and you would be open to sitting down (perhaps with the help of a therapist) and setting some rules about how to maintain mutual respect and keep your daughters out of the middle. Hopefully this will be the last time your daughter has to hear something so negative about either of you.

Hey A.! I am a 32 y-o mom of 2 beautiful girls. I am also the child of divorced parents, similar sounding to what your kids are going through. Your child is reeling from the breaking of her family. I would check with the school to see if there is a group for kids who are in divorced and widowed families. I know up in MA and NY the elementary schools do offer this program. I would also ask your pediatrician for the name of a child psychologist. Your daughter knows what you expect of her and she is acting out because she wants your attention whether it is bad or good. Whooping her for it right now I have to disagree with. I have spanked my children in the past but I can count on 1 hand the amount of times in my 11 y-o life that I have had to do that. I know you are super busy and stressed yourself so maybe taking the girls for a day of pampering, even to Wal Mart to pick out nailpolish and going home and doing your nails together or vegging on the couch with popcorn and watching a girlie movie and just talking about your week and how much you appreciate and love each other will show your girls that life will go on and can be happy even though they are going through such a painful time right now. Don't EVER talk bad about dad. My father was abusive but my mom never ever spoke horribly about him to us. As adults we are all married (but my youngest brother who is engaged at 22) and well adjusted. We all realize how bad our parents marriage was and we love our mom do death for being so strong and patient with us, for protecting us from any more pain than was necessary. A frank talk with your daughter letting her know you understand she is upset and that it is okay to feel sad, mad and depressed but being disrespectful is not and it will be business as usual regarding punishment for that behavior. Good luck and I will be praying for your family.