Bad Behavior Rubbing Off...

Hi, I do home child care and have for three years. I have had my share of kids that were a handful. I had one boy that cussed, spit, pushed other kids and stole toys! I confronted the parents, they were on board with time time outs but at home let him get away with whatever he wanted. When the behavior didn't change I just let them know I could not watch him anymore and gave them notice. You have to put your son first, other kids you watch first. If it is disruptive to you or your family it isn't worth it.

Now in school and older I hear the boy I watched has outgrown some of the bad behaviors, but to be honest if the parents don't do anything at home about it what can you do?
Now the boys I watch are great for me, they know the boundaries, rules and I run a tight structured ship. I allow five toys out per child at my house, so the floor is not full of toys, nobody can get hurt and it lessens the chaos. They know when snacks are, meals are and know what they need to do before they leave in cleaning up what they got out. Maybe try making things very scheduled at your home so he knows that to expect. You have the right to call him out on bad behavior and put him in time out when it occurs. I get to the level of the boys I watch and look them in the eyes and explain "you doing this is not okay, (then give the reason) then set them in time out for three to five minutes. If it takes twenty times so be it. I can say that rarely have I had to do this. It may just take some serious consequences for him to get you are in charge.

If you are friends with this woman, you can just tell her you would like to open up your home to other children and with his behavior requiring so much extra work you can no longer watch him. A friend would understand. She obviously is very aware and maybe suggesting him in a more structured daycare center would be better for him. Don't feel badly as you have to look out for you and your family first, she should understand that. Her simply not caring or reenforcing things at home he will not change anytime soon. She has to take charge. Kids get kicked out of daycares for the same reasons.
Good luck! :)

It sounds like this child is in desperate need of discipline. You need to talk to your friend and explain what is happening, explain that he needs consistent discipline and find out what she is doing to discipline him.

Since you are watching her son for a couple hours a couple days a week, it is necessary to have a disciplinary routine at your house, whether he gets it at home or not. He needs to be told the rules, given 1 warning and sat in time-out for 3 minutes if he continues to misbehave.

I have personal experience in this as I watched 2 additional children when I only had 2 of my own. I now have 4 and if I didn't discipline my children they would be walking all over me and I would be going crazy. I work from home now and having consistent discipline in my household allows me to do so.

Good luck & enjoy your week!

S.

if you are ready to be done tell the mom you aren't going to be able to do it anymore and give her a couple of weeks to find someone else. If she can't handle the fact you can't watch her kid and drops the friendship it's not really worth having. I've had this happen a couple of times, where I watched kids for others and had to stop for various reasons--one mom when I told her I couldn't anymore and gave her 2 weeks the next day she didn't show up, didn't call nothing, and I never heard from her again on it. I was so worried about her and the baby I called over and over that day then I was upset that she had just stopped talking to me like that--well it's been 4 years and I don't miss the friendship. I need friends who are understanding that we help when we can and sometimes we can't. My other friend, very similar situation, she found someone else and we continue to hang out, go to lunch and watch each others kids from time to time. She understood I wasn't rejecting her or her child, I was just taking care of myself and what I needed as well. 5 year now on that one and we are still really great friends.
So, if you can't do it anymore just let her know it isn't working out for you and that you'll give her a couple of weeks to find someone else...but set a firm date--(made that mistake before and 2 weeks turned into 2 months until I finally said this will be my last day on...and then miraculously they found someone!! lol)
if you want to try working on something before that the suggestions you got on discipline are really sound advice--
you have to take care of yourself and your family first then extend that out to others. If it is disrupting your family, you have every right to let the child to to another place that is better equipped to handle the situation. Good friends will respect that.

Tell her that watching other children seemed like a good idea, but it's not working out for you. I don't think that you are required to go into details. You can say that you and your husband have come to that agreement, and he wants you to stop also.

Really it is his mom's problem, but if you are going to keep watching him it is yours now too. I guess you've figured that out, but it might be best to stop watching him. Otherwise, do not allow the behavior to continue. Pick him up immediately and acknowledge his emotions like "I know you are angry, but it's not okay to hit". Take an immediate hand with your son too. If he does this sort of thing you have to be quick to react and tell him to stop, and if he doesn't there needs to be a consequence. There can also be rewards for good behavior. Talk to her about allowing you to discipline him, and maybe taking some parenting classes together, or reading some books.

I know when my 2 year old gets put to bed sometimes he doesn't want to go and he even tries to hit me. I would hold him during his lullabye and even let him hit me but I would hold him close to my body, not let go and then put him down firmly. I would come back to check on him every five minutes or so if he continued crying, get him water, etc. but I would not get him up. If you are firm this kid will know your rules. Still it may be easier to let him go and practice with your own child.

I know the daycare teachers in my town are very big on discipline, there are consequences for all the kids there, and even though their parents seem to put in minimal effort, the kids know what is expected and they thrive in that environment. I think many parents who have their children in daycare are very permissive with their children as they try to make up for time lost or they just don't notice the behavior as much, since they are not the ones stuck catering to it all day. This is a generalization, so please don't eat me alive. ;o) In any case, if you let parents know at the outset how you discipline and have them agree to it, this should eliminate any problems as they can always take their children elsewhere as they disagree.

Another thought I am having is that where this kid is without his mom during the day he might be needing some extra love and bonding, and if you do continue to be his daycare provider, it will help him emotionally if you show him love by cuddling with him as you do your own children. Then when you have to discipline him he will know it is for his benefit too. ;)

Kids know very early on (before they're 3 usually) that they can get away with stuff with one person but not another (usually its mommy and daddy). So become the person whom he can't get away with it. Temper tantrum? Isolate him in a room where there's no one to see him. Hits (or even acts like he's going to)? Time out, sitting in the corner where he can see what's going on but not interact (you may have to hold him at first). Tells you no? Stick to your guns, don't let him get to what you're trying to redirect him from. If necessary, time out again. He'll learn before long that he can't get away with that stuff with you. And he'll probably appreciate it! Kids this age need boundaries and limits; if they don't get them they can become little terrors, but also can feel out of control and not know what is missing. If you're thinking about starting a day care, you're going to have to be willing to discipline other people's kids. And when your son copies the behavior, he gets the same consequences. He should learn quickly that it's no fun.

A word about time out: Don't over use. When kids get put in timeout for every little thing, it looses effectiveness. When you do use time out, give 1 minute per year of age (so a 3 year old gets 3 minutes). Don't count the time he is screaming and fighting. (For my son, who is very intense, I had to hold him - physically restrain him -and quitely say "I can let go when you stop fighting me" and at first, time out was over when he calmed down. Then I could tell him the time would start when he was calm, but by then time outs weren't needed a lot). If he gets up, the time starts over again. And don't lecture why he's in time out. Just say "we don't hit, you need a time out" and that's the end.

If the mom/parents are not supporting you by also trying to discourage these inappropriate behaviors, you are not going to get far. Especially if you only watch him a couple of hours a day and a couple of days a week. (May be a little different if you had him "full time" - like 30+ hours/week.) If you have been trying on your own to turn this little guy's behavior around for 5 months and it is not working...and your son is soaking it all up, I would say it may be time for his parents to find other child care. You must put your son and your family first. Just be honest with the mother - tell her your difficulties (it sounds like she will understand) and let her know that, until things change, you just cannot have your younger son influenced by the older boy's unruly behavior. A good friend should respect your honesty. You can even tell her what a hard time you had making this decision.

I know it will be difficult, but you have to do what is right for your little one. He sounds like a sweet kid...and most of his socialization skills will develop over the next 2-3 years. Surround him with positive influences.

Best of luck.

Quit. Fast. I attempted to do the same thing with a friend's baby and it was disastrous. Not only is it unfair to your son, you and your husband, it's also just not worth it. The consequences of your son being exposed to that sort of behavior is potentially lifelong. Do you really want your son growing up to be a bully because you needed to make some extra money (there's plenty of other good kids out there to watch, I promise!). I would hate to see you start resenting your friend for her parenting skills, or lack thereof. If she's truly a friend she'll understand that you need to quit. You don't have to tell her why, or if you do, at least be polite and non-accusatory. I hope this helps.