Apparently My Daughter Is Fat

Defensive much? I would be grateful if another parent told me that my child was being made fun of and angry if someone knew that my kid was being picked on and didn't tell me.

Good Lord! What is wrong with people? Apparently she's missing a filter. I don't blame you, I wouldn't want to be around her either. Or her daughter who never spoke up.

Do you know what brown fat is? It is what children use to grow with. They get fat with it under their skin anywhere from 8-11 years of age. Then they grow tall.
After menarche there is a period of time where a girl grows fast and her legs get long. When she stops growing she is thin.

I'm not going to write what you want to hear...

I would hope that if parents heard someone or heard about someone making fun or being cruel to my daughter or son, I would surely hope they felt comfortable enough to come and tell me. Then I can do with it what I want. i.e. talk to the teacher, talk to the other parents...it's not the other moms responsiblity to correct the guilty parties.

As far as a 6th grader goes of course your friends daughter isn't going to say "hey that isn't nice"...she's probably too scared to be made fun of herself. Now yes in a ideal world the girl would stick up for her; friends or not. But look at it without taking it personally...

You are doing what you can to correct any issues with your daughter. I really don't know the situation and the tone of the conversation but in my group of friends and mommy group of friends we are honest even if it's brutal. I would rather know these things...some kids don't talk to their parents about these things maybe your friend just wanted you to be aware incase you weren't that your daughter may be experiencing a difficult time.

It sounds like she was letting you know other kids might be bullying your daughter. I would want to know if others were making fun of my child so I could keep an eye on things.

I would be grateful to your friend, since I would want to know if other kids are talking behind my child's back and possibly bully her.

I would use this as an opportunity to talk with your daughter about possible bullying and other problems she may face in school.

Good luck and please work with your pediatrician on your daughters weight problems.

At our school children are taught that when they see bullying or other mean things going on, they should tell an adult. That's exactly what your friend's daughter did.

Then, your friend brought it to your attention so that you can take appropriate steps to make sure your child isn't bullied or teased.

I think both your friend and her daughter did the right thing. I feel that they both had the best interest of your daughter in mind.

I think, really, that Mom was telling you what she heard ... because she wanted you to know, as a kind gesture.
She did not say it was 'her' opinion, just what she heard, about what the OTHER kids were saying... about your Daughter.
She was not, criticizing you.
She told you that, so that as a Mom, you could talk to the Teacher and tell them that they are behaving inappropriately.

I think, she told you that as a head's up. So you know what is happening to your Daughter at school and how the other kids are teasing her.

At my daughter's school, since Kindergarten... the kids are taught- NOT to tease other kids, that using the word "fat" in a derogatory way is mean. They do not tolerate it. The Teachers, talk to the class as a whole... and teach the kids, about teasing/bullying and what is inappropriate. And to tell the Teacher IF a kid is teasing or being teased.

I agree with Everley. I don't think the mother was being critical, probably trying to bring something to your attention she isn't sure you are aware of, that your daughter is being made fun of at school. If someone had information on my child like that, I would be grateful that they came forward and told me, so I could be prepared to talk to my child about bullying and make sure her self esteem is okay in a social setting, and talk to the teachers about it as well. Really, I think you are being overly defensive and critical of her.

If you had information that her daughter was possibly being bullied, would you tell her? If you were a good friend you would.

You are basing this comment on hearsay. Between your friend, her daughter, and what she heard at school from some other kid -- there are already at least 3 sets of ears who have already heard this comment of "fat." Remember that old game "telephone?" Where a group of kids would whisper a comment in each other's ear...buy the time the 10th kid heard the comment it was totally different from how the first kid said it?

I would hold your reigns and refrain from commenting back to this mother/friend of yours. We are talking about a kid's comment based on other kids' comments. You really have no proof that anything was said at all. Why blow up on the mother (your friend)? She may have truly intended to help, not hurt.

Besides, you already know that this is likely occuring, right? I mean, you did say that you were "sure" your daughter has heard people calling her fat already. Maybe, the idea that this child "confirmed" your beliefs in the comment she made may have put you over the top?

Speaking of "fat," are you also certain that your daughter has a real health concern and is not yielding, like so many of us girls and women, to body image/low self esteem/low self worth issues? Did you discuss her weight with her doctor to confirm that she is overweight or obese? Because the term "fat" is such a vague description...it really means nothing in regards to health and whether someone is truly overweight.

Well, you may be taking this the wrong way. It's possible your friend wanted to approach you about your daughter's weight and let you know that it's affecting her socially at school. Of course you already know that, but your friend might not have realized you knew. I know you're offended, but take a deep breath and think about whether she was trying to be helpful or catty. If it's possible she was trying to be helpful and handled it wrong, cut her some slack. It's hard to talk to other parents about issues with their kids.

Awe! That is so sad. I was a chubby kid my whole life & am just not accepting that I will never be skinny... and I'm 29! Just continue to support your daughter in her activities at school, encourage her to eat healthy like your doing. Kids are cruel. My daughter is 5 and the tallest kid in her class. She was told she's "Big" and that bothered her. But, it's life. Just b/c she maybe a chubby girl or bigger girl doesnt mean she isn't beautiful. Keep up the good work as a mother. But about your friend, I would really just tell her that it bothered you, but don't bring her daughter into it. Kids have a hard enough time sicking up for themselves or thier wants... you can't always expect them to stick up for others. I think that only happens in the movies! Your friend needs to know where you stand, but who's to say your daughter would stick up for the other girl if someone said shes bratty or annoying? Kids will be kids.... but adults need to be told when they have been part of a wrong doing. Good Luck L.!

I know that I don't know the whole story, I wasn't there...but from reading your post this is my take on it:
I honestly took what you said she told you as a "concerned parent to another" type conversation. Maybe she just ment to let you know so that you could be move informed. Your daughter might be teased at school and not be willing to tell you about it, no matter how close you are. Your friend could be a big help by letting you know what she heard. She didn't say she agreed with the kids did she?

I really think that maybe you are being overly defensive with her and that she really indended to help. I would be blessed with a friend like that.

My daughter is overweight for her age and I worry so much about her getting teased at some point. We eat healthy and exercise, but its partly genetics (not saying that is to blame entirely)...I would be so thankful to know if something like that happened at school so that I could be there for my daughter when she needed me.

You didn't say HOW your friend said it to you which really makes all the difference in the world. If she said it to you and she was concerned, she might genuinely be concerned for your daughter b/c as a woman, I'm sure she knows how big of a deal weight issues can be. If she said it and you could tell that she was secretly gloating/feeling better b/c her daughter is thinner, etc., then you should be TICKED and not be friends with such a small minded person. I hope it was the former and she was just trying to be a good friend.

Updated

You didn't say HOW your friend said it to you which really makes all the difference in the world. If she said it to you and she was concerned, she might genuinely be concerned for your daughter b/c as a woman, I'm sure she knows how big of a deal weight issues can be. If she said it and you could tell that she was secretly gloating/feeling better b/c her daughter is thinner, etc., then you should be TICKED and not be friends with such a small minded person. I hope it was the former and she was just trying to be a good friend.

I'd ask my friend why she is telling me this. Because you are right, what does she expect you to do besides feel bad? It's not like you are going to shame your daughter or withhold food from her because people are talking.

I have a sister who likes to "inform" me about what other people say about me. She acts like I should be grateful to her for telling me, says that I have a right to know, that she would want to know, blah blah blah. Instead of passing this on to me, she ought to be telling the other person to get a life, and quit gossiping about me. Her information does me no good and I'm happier when I refuse to listen.

I am fuming for you..smoke out the ears and all. First of all HOW RUDE OF YOUR FRIEND TO REPEAT SUCH MEAN THINGS!!! Sorry for yelling but sheesh! How good of a friend is she? She should have told her daughter not to repeat the stuff she hears..maybe even tell her to defend your daughter.

There are girls that were friends of mine but only for a short time because we were just a different crowd of people. I think thats a pretty normal thing, so the fact they were only friends for short time is not unusual. But for her not to defend your daughter against what others were saying is low.

Honestly I would tell her you are hurt she felt she had to repeat what was said to you. I am sure you would have gone on living just fine without knowing. And if she ''knew'' what was said and felt you needed to know for your daughters sake..and then offered no way to help deal with the name calling...she is really just being mean about it. Had she offered a plan to confront at least her daughter for some personal justice that would her being a good friend. I cant think of the word I am looking to label the situation but she seems to really enjoy being a emotional bully:(

I am a firm believer that people that are concerned about ones feeling..will help try and remedy the rumors if that is what is hurting someone. Her daughter was just passing the rumor on to the mom who forwarded it to you.

Give the Mama Bear in you a pat on the back for getting Defensive.

Oh Dear, your friend opened a very large can of worms, didn't she?

No, I don't think you should tell her that. I think you should calm down and wait a week or longer and then decide how to handle it. This is your friend, right? So chances are she thought she was doing you a favor...... not so much, but we all are a bit misguided at times. I'd hate to see you lose a friend over it.

Maybe you should tell her how hard this all has been for you and that it doesn't really help to hear gossip. You are aware and it hurts you to hear this kind of stuff. You are doing what you can so what good does it do? Apologize for getting defensive and just ask her not to share again.

No matter what tone your "friend" used when she told you this, it was pointless. I can't stand people that "just want you to know" what bad things others are saying about you. Your daughter's weight is obvious so it didn't need mentioning or repeating. There was nothing to be accomplished by her telling you. Your "friend" is a real piece of work, you're better off without her.

Your friend and her daughter weren't the ones who called your daughter fat so why are you upset with your friend? Why would you be defensive with her? I think she came to you to let you know that there was an issue between your daughter and other kids at school that you need to be aware of so that if your daughter comes home upset you can deal with it. It's not like she came to you in order to be a gossip and just for the sake of repeating it. She came to you AS A FRIEND yet you put friend in parentheses as if you feel she betrayed you and isn't really a friend any more.

It seems like a case of shooting the messenger. You feel awful that someone dared to talk about your daughter that way, that someone feels that way about her and voiced it to someone else, when it's already a sensitive issue for your daughter. You're upset on your daughter's behalf and want to protect her but not from your friend... she's just the one who let you know that there's a situation brewing. You want to protect from the ones who had the insensitivity and ugliness in them to make such judgments in the first place.

I remember trying to be honest with mothers and well, a lot of them do not want to hear it, even if they are able to dish it out. Heck I even have a sixty year old sister who feels entitled to say mean things to others and yet if you dare disagree she cuts you off for months. So...give it a try if you wish but expect that you will get the cold shoulder or worse. Sometimes birds of a feather flock-you know. Perhaps could be like mother, like daughter? Time to look out for some new mama friends. That WAS mean. Sometimes we look back and we wish we would have said something. But truthfully oftentimes when we do we regret it.
And now to add to this-help your daughter by letting her know how beautiful she is no matter what. Do not ever bring up weight as an issue. I was chubby at that time and my mother was tall and gorgeously model thin and well she is still eight inches taller than I am and just gorgeous and I am still short and slightly chubby. And she has always looked at my with disapproving eyes as though she got the wrong product. But I had a woman in my life, who somewhat 'foster' mommed me and made me feel beautiful forever. So let her know how beautiful she is. And as far as snot face goes, just ignore her.

Ditto everything Mum4ever said.

I think you can tell your friend that you appreciate her concern and that you're already working on establishing healthy habits with your daughter. Remind her that focusing on the weight alone could cause further problems (binge eating, purging, poor self esteem, etc.).

I think you can admit to your friend that it hurts you to hear that her daughter is not defending your daughter when comments are made, but you should also realize that it's hard for kids to stand up to peer pressure. And by telling her mom that she's concerned for your daughter, she IS showing that she cares for your daughter. She just doesn't have the social skills yet to handle this situation. You HAVE to realize this and not punish this other little girl or her mother for trying to help.

Try not to respond in anger or with your own hurt feelings, but let it pass and just work with your own daughter to continue healthy habits (exercise and eating right, regardless of weight) and by establishing her own self confidence, no matter what weight she is.

I think you should take a deep breath and relax before you do anything. Is it possible, since she is your friend, that she used this circumstance as a way to let you know that she is concerned about your daughter's health and wel being?

You said yourself she is overweight. Perhaps you could use this situation to your advantage and your daughters. Ask your friend if she would be interested in getting the girls together this summer for out door activities or maybe even make arrangements for both girls to walk together early in the day.

Take it with a grain of salt, realize there is a problem and do what you have to to fix it.

I am soooo sorry you had to hear that....from a friend no less. So sorry.

When I deal with kids who struggle physically, I try to get them to ask themselves: " If all your friends are blind, what kind of person/friend will they know you as? Will you be the same person you are now or different if people can't see you?". I aks them that to get them to recongize their true selves and character.

hth

You have to try your best not to make this about you feeling pissed off at your friend. I know it's human nature, and you can and should be mad at her if you want, but if you dig deep down into your most humble selfless "I'll do anything for my daughter" reserves, you'll look at it this way for yourself:

"OK. Reality check. We 'try' to eat healthy might mean, 'we don't always'. Maybe because she is still overweight, since people are noticing and talking about it, and we already know it, we have to work harder at it. I'm not going to say anything to her about what my dumb friend said, but I'm going to make sure she eats well for the next X amount of weeks and she and I are going to do X exercise together. No sweets and no food after a healthy dinner for BOTH of us. She's only in 6th grade. It's not too late. Fine. I can take a hint. Its a good wake up call."

To be honest, when you say, "What else can I do but feel worse" it sounds like you don't think you can do anything but feel worse.

You don't have to feel bad at all. Use it to your advantage. Your friend is a jerk, but we all need little prods here and there to get with the program. You don't have to thank her. You dont' have to talk to her. You can tell her off. But use the incident to your power. If your daughter is that active, and if she eats healthfully, she will lose the weight. There will be no way to gain it or keep it on. You do the shopping and you control what she eats at this age. Look at it as an opportunity to do something good (even better than how much you're trying now) for her. You cant' make all the other kids act right, but you can make sure your daughter is as healthy as she can be for her own good in every way. If you are already healthy, keep being a good example. If you need to lose weight and get healthier, all the more reason to do it with her.

Looks like you got some great answers. on a similar note, my daughter has a bf and that bf told my daughter about something she heard about her. I too thought, why tell her the news....but she was concerned and wanted my daughter to know what they said. It was simply out of concern. I think her bf is not wanting to start a argument and certainly my child would not be one to go to that person and say " hey why did you say this about me ?" "That hurt my feelings".
Regardless it opened up the talk for me and my child that not everyone is going to be nice. She is also going into 6th grade and I think we are heading for more of this in the years to come. So we need to really start preparing these kids on mean girls or gossip or anything that comes their way. I know this will hurt as we all go through this. I had such a tough time in 6th grade and more so in 7th. I can see my child standing out, being book smart, a little akward, but passionate, giving and loving. She has been called things .....so I know these kids are just trying to "up one" on eachother...and the groups are going to start to divide to popular, non poplular. I am very good friends with this so called girl that said the comment, but I have not comfronted the mother. I think I will have to pray about that and see if it gets worse next school year.
Keep your chin up, you sound like a very good & loving mom and on top of what is right and wrong and what your daughter needs. But unfortunalty we are all going to face this as parents in our kids journey through school one way or another. It will not be fun for me, that is for sure.

** But teaching her to love her self just the way she is and to know God and that he designed her for who she is, then she will be able to handle anything.

Aww if she is a close friend I would definitely tell her that she hurt your feelings. I have a daughter that just finished 6th grade and its such a hard age. Some of the things girls say to each other at this age are just awful and it breaks my heart to hear sometimes especially when its about my own little girl. As far as the weight issue my daughter spent a couple years putting on weight and then just recently dropped it all super fast. I was worried first about her gaining in then about her losing but her pediatrician said its really normal for this age. He said the "bulk up" for awhile before their periods start and then start to lose and redistribute weight soon after.

That wasnt very nice of your friend to repeat that no. She knew it wasnt nice, and if she is a good friend then she should know all the troubles that your poor daughter is going through and know that she and you are doing things to help her. She should have thought before she spoke.

It isnt your daughters fault, and its sad that children are so mean as to say things like that about others, but you cant control what they say unfortunately.

I would tell your "friend" that it hurt your feelings and that you dont appreciate her comment and to please be a little more gentle next time. You are working on the issue and dont need anyone chiming in unless its constructive.

Now go give your girl a big hug and tell her that she's beautiful no matter what!

Well first she might of been trying to be helpful. My next door neighbor told me continusly if there is ever a problem please let me know. The first time there was a problem she screamed at me and banged the phone in my ear.
Her son is over all a nice kids but unfortantely his parents dont think he ever does anything wrong. I was outside that day with my two younger kids. Her son is 3 yrs old then my middle son. My middle son was about 4 yrs. In my backyard. The neighbor kid was a complete bully with our backyard toys then screamed at my son. I am sitting their there whole time. My son asked me what to do before the kids screamed. I said politely tell him its your toy but your happy to share. That is when the neighbor kid screamed at my son. The mom backed her son up by not holding him accountable.
Now this situation is very diffferent. In one regards its similar that you have a problem hearing senitive comments about your child. Maybe this adult also likes your daughter and is trying to show help the way she is able. I would just be gracious. Now it might not be the way you would do something. Obviously this women seems to care about your daughter.
Also my sister is a nutritonist and she said diabetics in children didnt exist twenty years ago. This is because of childhood obesity. Not to say your daughter is obese. Take family bike rides together after dinner instead of sitting in front of the tv. This will give your daughter confidence in herself trying new actives. You just want the best for your daughter and you want her to feel her best and have confidence about her appearance.

Wow. I am so sorry your "friend " is so rude. They say that it is worse to repeat a hurtfull comment than to say it in the first place. I tend to agree .
I would tell her how you feel. Then stay away from her. Hang in there. What a tough age for your daughter . My heart goes out to you both.