Any Advice for 12 Year Old Boy Struggling with Girls Crushing on Him?

Ah yes. My nephew went through this actually starting in elementary school, but in midle school it got really bad for him. He liked girls, but not like they liked him.

He learned to be polite, but he also learned to say, I like you as a person, but I do not want to hurt your feelings, so let's just be friends.

If they pushed and pushed he would just shut down on them.

Of course then in High School, he all of a sudden woke up and realized the older girls were his thing.. That is another story..

Nothing else you can tell him. He will figure it out himself. Middle school is notorious for these things. Ignoring them would be best if that is possible.

I think what you are telling him is fine. He needs to have his own personal boundaries. Girls who hammer at him for a crush probably have a crush on him themselves. He may need to clearly state, "I don't have a crush. I do not like being asked over and over and over when I've told you I don't have one. Please stop or I'm going to go somewhere else."

Just like we tell girls, it's not a bad thing to be assertive.

If they truly can't back off, then he needs to evaluate whether or not they are his friends or just have a crush on him and if he needs to spend that much time with them. If someone is harassing him in texts, you can see about blocking that number. And if he is harassed, that's something you can bring up to the school.

ETA: When my sister was in middle school she had a friend who had no boundaries. It got bad enough that our mom blocked that girl's number but the girl would call from other numbers. She just did not understand boundaries and would call at weird times or call 20 times between dismissal and the time we got home. So it's not just girls harassing boys. If you know the other mom and you know that he's not comfortable, I think this is a situation where, if he can't make her get the hint, you should consider talking to her about her child. But I'd let him try first.

Many times people give their kids cell phones and other devices...and no skills or rules about using them. Recently our district superintendent had to put out a letter about not harassing him or his family over a snow day. Teens run off at the keyboard and have no idea the repercussions.

I think you are handling it correctly by encouraging him to be honest with the girls. Basically he just needs to repeat and repeat his answers. Girls mature faster and start having crushes, etc early on.

Example: I was teaching in 3rd grade last week and all this 1 group of girls could talk about were the boys, who was cutest, who they had a crush on, etc.

I have a daughter and she has always been very focused at school but also pursued. She was in orchestra, cheer and the Varsity Cheer Captain. Her goals were set high on college and she did not want a "relationship" that was guaranteed to end plus she did not have the time. Her go to saying was " I appreciate your interest but I am not ready to take my friendships further right now". For the most part, everything worked out fine. Her true guy friends "got it" and they are still her friends. She never lacked for a date to banquets, prom, homecoming but that all it was... a date.

Good luck. It is not east going through middle school through graduation. There is always something to deal with. You hang in there, keep communicating with your son and best wishes.

I have the same issue with my 13 year old daughter. She's done really well by telling the boys that "pursue" her, "Thank you so much, I'm very flattered." Usually a kind acknowledgment and a smile is all the boys need. If they go that extra mile and ask her out, she tells them, "Thank you for asking me, but my mom is really strict about dating and I'm not allowed to date until I'm 16." If they don't respond well then she becomes more firm. "I'm very flattered that you like me enough to ask me to be your girlfriend/go on a date/whatever but I'm not interested. I don't want to date anyone. If you don't stop asking me then we can't be friends any more."

We've only had one boy get to the point of harassing her and trying to bully her into "dating" him and we had to take it to the school VP and counselor last year.

Check out the book: CLUELESS BOYS, AGGRESSIVE GIRLS: 7 CONVERSATIONS YOU MUST HAVE WITH YOUR SON
By Dennis Rainey
http://www.amazon.com/Aggressive-Girls-Clueless-Boys-Conv...

The author is a Christian and I heard about this book on the radio. So you might find online interviews about this book if you search.

P.S. A neighbor with 3 boys said it got worse in high school. So he'll be dealing with this for awhile. Hopefully, the practice he is getting now will help him deal/recognize it in the future. So in reality, this isn't the worse thing that can happen. Just be aware and ready to listen. BULLYING is an aspect of this as well. If girls start to target one because of drama. You'll have to become a bullying expert as well, so you know how to help him navigate if he asks you for guidance.

Just found this book. I'd like to read it:
Bullied: What Every Parent, Teacher, and Kid Needs to Know About Ending the Cycle of Fear Paperback
by Carrie Goldman
http://www.amazon.com/dp/0062105086/ref=rdr_ext_tmb

This is an issue that the school counselor can address. These girls are being WAY TOO PUSHY, to the point of harassment, and it needs to stop! Talk to the school counselor, and ask her if she will have a chat with these girls. The girls never have to know that you had anything to do with this chat. They also don't have to think your son had anything to do with this. Have the counselor tell these girls that some teachers have observed how pushy or aggressive they have been with your son (and others as well - even if not true, maybe she can throw in a couple other names other than your son's name to make it look less ovbvious). The counselor should know how to handle this so the girls won't think you or your son had anything to do with this.

Another option (a more bold and direct option) - talk to the girls' parents (via phone, email, or in person - in person or phone would be best), very nicely explaining that they constantly ask your son who he has a crush on, and when he replys with "no one," that they continuously ask him.

If this were happening to my son, I would do both (get the school counselor and the parents involved).

Your son does not deserve this, and I'm sure it is putting unnecessary stress on him. Good luck!

I think you are doing great. Continue to support him and talk to him about stuff.... at the end of the day the fact that he is open with you, and vice versa, is what will make all the difference.
I have to disagree though with some of the advice so far. Its a matter of opinion, but IMHO, at 6th grade you should not be intervening on any of this with the school. He is big enough to handle this by himself, with only advice from you, not interference such as phone calls to mothers and principals. I dont think I would have ever forgiven my mother if she called up some other kids parents to talk about who has a crush on who and who is being too bossy about it, when I was in the 6th grade! I would have been mortified! And they would have made fun of me for the rest of my life that my mommy had to call someones mommy because the girls were harrassing me too much. Seriously, think about it. Your heart is in the right place, I simply recommend keeping the communication open with him, but maybe not so much with calling other parents or the school unless there is a really serious issue happening. This does not qualify as really serious... he is getting guidance from you and he will learn to navigate this on his own.... and it will be good experience for him becuase like all of us, he will find himself in many, many more uncomfortable situations over the years. These girls are bossy and annoying, but to liken it to bullying is rediculous.

I agree with Agent M - do not call anyone. Your son needs to learn that he can only control himself and his actions/thoughts/words. So, you need to keep working with him and let him work it out with the girls. But your son cannot control what they do or don't do and neither can you OR THEIR PARENTS. Think about it, you can't control what your son does/thinks/says especially when he's at school. Neither can the other childrens' parents. Once one of those girls tells the rest of the class that his mommy called her mom and now she's in trouble, you'll be on here seeking a different type of advice. You have to stay in the background - this is a good mommy lesson FOR YOU.

This is about the age when guy friends become more important to guys and girl friends become important to girls - for this very reason.
That the girls are pushing him so much means they consider him to be 'one of the girls', it's immature and really it's the girls who need to grow up a bit.
By the time he's 16 and in high school it'll get a bit better.

The key phrase here is he "does not want to hurt any feelings." This is the number one reason that we don't create and keep boundaries. There is actually no way he can control whether someone else's feelings are hurt. We have all been taught that we have the power to "make" someone feel a particular way. The reality is that it is only their own thoughts about the situation that creates their feelings.

A good example of this is one that happened with my daughter and I. The neighbor next to us in our apartment was playing his electric guitar one day. I was sitting in the living room fuming. I was so frustrated with having to listen to the neighbor through the poorly insulated walls. My daughter, on the other hand, came walking out of her room (which was actually right next to the room he was playing in and therefore the music was much louder) with the biggest smile on her face. She was so excited to be hearing the great music.

What was the difference between our feelings? I had several thoughts that were negative and she was having amazing, positive thoughts about the whole thing. The young man's playing wasn't what was causing our feelings, our thoughts were.

Therefore, help your son to understand that he cannot actually control any one else's feelings and give him permission to simply set good boundaries for himself and to continue to communicate honestly, openly, clearly and directly with the girls. Like many of the moms have stated, he may have to be a broken record for a while and repeat himself over and over.

Help him to understand that there is a big difference between "kind" and "nice." When we are nice we tend to give ourselves away, lie (even white lies), and not speak our truth. When we are kind we are honest, open and gentle with ourselves and others and we have good boundaries.

After your SWH - So glad that you're willing to talk to the mothers and/or the school counselor about it. If the parents are always clueless about this, they can't help head it off at the pass. Those girls are steps away from being another pregnant teen statistic if they keep up aggressively pursing boys. And that's a shame. Their parents can make a difference in this kind of outcome if they try, and the first thing that has to happen is that they find out what their daughters are doing.

For one thing: he should NOT be giving out his cell phone number (or e-mail addresses, if he has an e-mail) to ANYONE... unless he asks you first.
And the reason is: (I work at a school), everyday... I see kids who go around giving out their cell phone number to anyone who asks. Then, that person gives out their cell phone number to others too, (without asking first) and then before you know it, SO many people, have your cell phone number, and it will be people you do not even know, and people who you would NOT want, to have your number. And then, others start texting you, or calling you... and yes, it can get harassing.
And inappropriate.
So, if a kid, is more selective about giving out their cell phone number, or does NOT give it out, period (unless they ask you first), then, no one can "text" you, much less... icky pushy inappropriate kids.
At school, I even see kids giving out their Mom's cell phone number... to other kids. Who knows why. But the parents don't even know their kids are doing this. And before you know it, even the parents are getting calls or texts... too. From, kids.

For our daughter who is in middle school, our rule is DO NOT GIVE OUT your cell phone number, to ANYONE, unless you ask me, first. And she follows our rules. She knows, the potential trouble... of giving out your cell phone number. AND, if/when she does give out her number, after asking us first, she TELLS her friends "YOU CANNOT GIVE OUT MY NUMBER to anyone else, without my or my Mom's permission...it is private....." and they listen.

Your son, needs to learn how to stand up for himself.
And how to protect his personal information (ie: his cell phone number etc.) and how to jut speak up. To ANYONE that is pushy and aggressive.
And sometimes, you just have to tell the other kids "BACK off....I said no... do it."

And if you know the Mom of that girl, I would tell the Mom.

Those girls, are running all over him. Because they can, push him around.
Some girls are very very pushy and aggressive and, problem making.
And he has to learn, how to stand up for himself and just be firm.

My daughter is in 6th grade. Some of them are age appropriate. Some are not. Some of the girls, (and they all flock together), ARE this way... just over the top into boys and creating drama about it with others. So, the kids that do not like them, simply go and make friends with other, kids. NOT them.
The thing is, you don't have to be friends, with kids like that.
Is it your choice, too... who you choose to have as friends.
Or not.

how do you drive a hormone crazed 12 year girl away?? simple, you put them to WORK! oh, you are here to ask my son out? well, i have some laundry that needs putting away, since you invited yourself over you wont mind helping me , now will you ??here you go, now , that stack needs to go in the linen closet upstairs..and those two stacks need to go in the babys room..leaving so soon?? next time, call first..that way, you will know ahead of time whether my son wants to go out with you, before you just invite yourself over.(problem solved, without having to call the girls parents to come get her) K. h.