I have a 6 and a half year old that for the most part is a good kid. But she has one thing that challenges me. Whenever she asks to do something and I say no, she decides to do it anyway. Then when I ask her why she did it, she just says well I wanted too. I can't get her to see that she can't do everything she wants.
I have tried to disapline her in almost every way. I have also treid to do some type of reward system. But that only seems to last for so long before she decides it's not worth it.
Take yesterday for example, She had played after school and then i brought her home near dinner time. Well it's a rule that no playing after dinner. There was some friends playing outside next door and she asked if she could play. i said no. Then while I was busy putting laundry away I heard what seemed like my girls talking outside. So I went to check and sure enough they were. But to make it worse they left the front door open and my 16 month old left my side and followed them. So she was just out the front door. That scared the living daylights out of me.
I'm just frustrated, because now my 3yr old thinks she can do the same thing. just not listen.
Help!!!
Dear J.,
Yes, well that is the way kids are. You have to watch them every moment. Aren't you lucky that you are not going to school, working full time, and are single?
My great grand daughter does that too. They are learning how much they can get by with. The less 'punishment' and the more watching you do, the better. If you make a big deal out of it, they will keep it up for ever so long.
C. N.
Hi J.. It sounds like your daughter does not make the connection between what you tell her to do and the natural consequences that may occur. Also, you say you've tried everything, but you haven't given us any sense of how long you've tried any particular thing. I get the sense that your daughter has already figured out that you're not sure how to exercise your authority and that given enough time you will just crumble. :-) It may even be that she feels she can't depend on you, as the authority figure, to meet her needs so she is taking it into her own hands to do what SHE thinks needs to be done.
So I would say that the first thing you need to do is think about the rules in your house. Try to explain, just for yourself, why you have the rules that you do. Ask yourself for each one "Is this important? Why? What will happen if this rule is not followed?" You must be clear in your own mind as to what boundaries must be followed for safety.
And then you must clearly explain to your daughter what these rules are and why each one is important. You can even make a little poster that you put on the wall, "Our Rules." Invite her to get involved with you by asking her what would happen if she didn't follow the rule, what harm might happen. And maybe she will point out that it doesn't ALWAYS happen. Such as with her wandering off unsupervised. "Nothing bad happened, Mom!" "Sure, this time!" She needs to understand WHY you don't want her to do this, and the severity of what may happen.
But then, you need to work with her to compromise, as the other mom suggested. If, for example, she can't just take off when you've told her "no" what can she do instead? Can she invite the other girls to come in and play? Can she arrange a supervised playdate at their house? Try to figure out some way that her need and desire can be met, reasonably and within the framework of your rules.
You can even make a new poster together that includes these other options. Since she is just learning to read, you can make little pictures to serve as icons to help her remember what each one says. And don't be surprised if she thinks there should be some rules for you too. There is no reaon that some household rules shouldn't apply to everyone. (At our house it was "no eating messy foods on the couch".) But limits imposed on you should be appropriate and respectful.
As a teacher working with parents, the three biggest causes I see of disobedience are:
limits are not communicated clearly and consistently, including what the consequence will be if it is broken,
parents don't educate their child about WHY a rule is important (and why the consequence is being imposed)-- or don't do so in a way the child can relate to and appreciate
parents don't acknowledge the need that drives the child to the behavior and provide an appropriate way for the child to get their needs met.
Obviously parents don't do this because they are "bad" but because they are lacking in information themselves. Many of us were parented by a generation that followed the formula "Do it because I SAID so! <whap>." And we know that didn't really work, but we're not sure what else to do. We need a model for how to be authoritative -- insted of bullying or wishy-washy (or as often happens, a little of both).
Some books you might find helpful in this area are "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen: And Listen So Kids Will Talk"" and "P.E.T. -- Parent Effectiveness Training".
You can find them at your local library or bookstore or order them online here: http://www.earthskids.com/behaviorbooks.aspx
6 year olds are very social.
Put an alarm on your doors. That way you can catch her before she makes it outside, and it will keep all of your little ones safe.
They make a doorbell sound that you will be able to hear throughout your house. They are not too expensive. I have one in my daycare, and I got it at RadioShack. It is battery operated.
For safety reasons, do not put a lock on your door that your daughter cannot reach. In an emergency, everybody need to get out.
Have her help you do things in the evenings, and offer her an alllowance. A six year old is capable of helping with the laundry. This may prevent her from even thinking about going outsdide.
I hope this helps
D.
Hi J.,
I agree that you're going to want to nip this in the bud before the younger siblings start behaving the same way.
I'm wondering what kind of consequences you give your daughter for her behavior. It sounds like she is not showing you the respect you deserve as her mother, and I often see that with parents who are not consistant with discipline, because they don't want to upset their children, or be the "bad guy". I would make sure that you talk to your daughter and let her know that her behavior has to change. Think of a consequence that would definately affect her (for my 5 year old son, it's taking away his TV &/or having him do extra chores) and let her know that you will be enforcing it every time she does not listen to you. Be consistant, and let her know that you love her, and you're sorry that she chose not to listen, but she knew what the consequence of her actions would be, and only changing her behavior can change the outcome. Hopefully, this will teach her to think about her actions before she acts, which will help her all of her life.
Hi J., Sounds similar to some issues we have had with our 5 year old son. He is very sweet most of the time, but very head strong. I don't really have direct advice, but I can share our story...He was causing disruptions at home and in school. We tried many different discipline methods and read several books...we finally made an appointment with a child psychologist in Capitola. He is awesome. He met with my husband and me to discuss the issues, then with our son on the next visit. He did a short evaluation of our son with us in the room - we all played Candyland together and Dr. Bill asked our son questions. The next few visits were with just my husband and me to discuss how to work with our son so he could learn to follow home and school rules and feel like a contributing member of both places. It has been under two months since our first visit. Our son is doing great in school (we also communicate with his teacher daily on how he is doing and she put a consistent reward system in place). We have a chart and give our son stickers for positive behavior and give special time each week for earning daily stickers. Most importantly, we use very direct language when we talk with our son and discipline negative behavior immediately with a trip to his room (social isolation is what works for him). We had five visits and that was it - just a little help to work with a child who sees the world a little differently than most. A psychologist may recommend different methods for you and your daughter so it would be worth researching one that will fit the personality of your family. Also, our health insurance paid for the whole thing...and we have more peace in our home! Sounds like your daughter has the best of situations - two loving parents in a stable home environment...whatever you and your husband choose to do will undoubtedly come from love and she will eventually learn to work with you. Best wishes, C. (36 year old mom of two, married almost 8 years)
Have you tried to compromise with the girls maybe a half hour after dinner to talk with friends unless it is already dark then there is no compromise there. maybe have a freind come over or call one... hse may sem left out of the group outside. but at six wow that is a tough one... also explain to the girls what can happen to there little sis the next time the door is left open it is kinda scary but things do happen... R.
I know your frustrations and although this might not have some life altering suggestions...you helped me find comfort in knowing I am not alone. I am dealing with a similar situation but with my 5 year old son, and now my 3 year old daughter is starting to follow. I am due with my third this June and think that most days I am in over my head. My kids are smart and quick learners but my oldest thinks he doesn't have to listen the majority of the time. I try to ask and ask again, nicely, and then when he out right does the opposite I am infuriated and yell. He listens then, but then I am bothered I had to yell to get him to understand. I am searching for the same peace, not expecting perfection (they are kids) but it's a tough job, this mom thing, and it would be nice to have some sort of boundaries that are respected! So, here's to us fining workable solutions to meet both our needs and our children's! :)
I think this is the age where kids want to test their boundaries and see how far thay can push the limit. I have a 7 year old who acts in the same way. When I tell her no, she seems to think it is negotiable. Be firm and consistent with your rules. If you slide on them, then she will think she has some "wiggle" room.
My big concern is her leaving the door open and your little one crawling out. You need to talk to your 6 year old about safety especially around her younger siblings.
As far as the 3 year old goes, her big sis is her role model. She want to be like her. Once the 6 year old is inline, hopefully the 3 year old will follow the good example.
Woa. Sounds like a strong willed child. I have one too. She's 13 now. She still tries to make me feel guilty when I discipline her. You have to choose your battles carefully. Tell her once, tell her what the consequence would be, and follow through no ifs ands or buts. I would definitely choose this doing the opposite of what I say battle especially when it puts others in danger. She asks, you say no, she does it anyway - take her to her room put her pjs on, put her in bed, lights out. Only tell her once why she's being punished.She's going to put up a fight for sure. Every time she comes out of the room, put her back in. Don't argue with her. Don't say a word. It's going to be torture for you. It's going to break your heart. She might be spitting mad at you the next day. Or she may surprise you and be all cuddly. She wants boundaries, but doesn't know she wants them. Oh, and make sure you and your husband are on the same page. And back each other up. If there is disagreement, support first, talk later when the child can't over hear.
