This is my 4th child and maybe last. She became picky about the clothes she wears almost 2 years ago when I left my ex-husband. At first, I thought it was a phase that she would grow out of so I let her choose her clothes each day at that time it was simple. Now, it has gotten out of hand and every morning is a battle because she has become more picky.
She prefers her pants to be extremely tight around the waist with a tight belt. She will only wear specific socks and has to turn each corner to a precise position. She prefers dresses but not with tights or leggings. The only kind of shoes she wears are crocks and flip flops, no boots. No hats, gloves or scarves either. She will not wear any new clothes and her old ones are not fitting very well anymore.
What I have tried is not working, so for the past week, I let her wear whatever she wants, even if it's dirty! As long as it is weather appropriate I figure why not. But that did not last very long and she insists on fighting me in the mornings about one thing or another. I'm at my wits end. There seems to be no reasonable solution here. There are mornings she changes her clothes 3 or 4 times before I have to force her to wear her first choice because of time constraints. She has thrown fits, hit, kicked and scratched me as I got her dressed and tries to remove clothing as I put it on her.
One morning I spanked her over a pair of sox that she would not put on, we were running late and could not afford her to change her mind again. Later, I learned she burst into tears at her private school after I dropped her off, and the teacher had given her a spare pair of socks to change into. The funny thing is that she will not wear this type of socks at home!
Not sure whats going on or how to handle this and every comment is appreciated, thanks for everyones input!
I had a conversation with my daughter and told her how the mornings will go from now on. I explained that it is time for her to wear appropriate clothing and that she will decide from the choices I give her the night before, and if she did not comply, there would be unpleasant repercussions. I also cleaned out her closet and dresser of clothing she may be tempted to wear and everything is working out fine!
She is more compliant then I expected her to be, she hasn't argued once and has accepted the change beautifully! It's only been a few days and I expect this to be completely behind us with in the next week or so!
Thanks for everyones input, I appreciate all the suggestions and advice from SID OCD and to the most honest words! You all are great mothers and I am great full to be apart of this group!
I think the idea of having her pick out her clothes at night is great. That way, she can take as much time as she wants. However, once she has her clothes picked out, that's it. No changing her mind in the morning. I'd tell her that if she won't wear the clothes she picked out, she can go to school in her PJs.
I agree with most of the moms here. It sounds like a major power struggle to me. If you get rid of all the inappropriate/ill-fitting clothes, then she can't wear them anymore. Get rid of the crocks and sandals and offer her only tennis shoes or dress shoes. Seperate her clothes....such as putting the play clothes in the dress and school clothes in the closet and give her a very limited choice (2 outfits, maybe 3) of what she can choose to wear to school that day. Hats and gloves are a necessity...and a scarf it her jacket doesn't protect her neck. Don't give her a "choice" to wear them, put them on her and tell her if she takes them off then she's grounded. It'll probably get worse before it gets better, but if the clothes and shoes aren't there, she can't fight to wear them anymore. As for the socks, my youngest is picky about how his socks are too until DH told me that he is the same way. It seems that the seam on certain socks can irritate the litte toes if the socks are put on crooked. (That makes no sense to me, but he insists that they do, lol) The only other thing I have to offer is to lay her clothes out the night before and wake her plenty early to deal with any morning tantrums.
Sounds just like my son. Look online at Sensory Integration Disorder. I was a teacher and still knew nothing about the spectrum of this condition. You might need to have her evaluated by your pediatrician and an OT that specializes. I have battled this with my son and he is getting ready to start K next year so I am actually on my way to an appointment this week with his doctor to discuss again. Warning, people will look at you like your crazy when you tell them if your child has this. Most people think it is your parenting or something. It is very frustrating. If you ever want someone to vent let me know. You can email me privately because I totally understand. Really consider having her evaluated. Don't panic because it is mostly easily managed.
Your daughter's behavior sounds a lot like my 5 1/2 yr. old daughter's except that my daughter refuses to wear dresses or skirts unless she's going to church. She has been dressing herself since she was about 3 & it was OK back then because she had better taste in clothes & I liked how independent she was. Just like your daughter, she threw a fit if she didn't wear the right socks. We had to keep several extras in the car so she wouldn't have a tantrum at school. She behaved well in school, but could be cranky if she didn't start the day off right. Now, she likes to wear dingy T-shirts, jeans, footsie socks & crocks/tennis shoes. While she's not the best dresser, we have agreed on what she can or cannot wear to school & to prevent the tantrums in the mornings, I started the point system. She likes getting points because at the end of the week or month, she gets to buy something with her points. She gets a certain # of points for getting her clothes ready the day before, for getting up nicely in the morning (no fussing)& changing into her clothes by herself, etc. I've only had about 2 or 3 bad mornings since she's started kindergarten (full-time).
My daughter has acted the same way. She and I are both not morning people so anything can set one of us off into a fit. Maybe your daughter is the same and nighttime is her best time. Try to have her pick one outfit the night before to lay out. She can take lots of time this way. Also maybe she would like to have a say in some of her new clothes. Maybe take her to some sales and let her choose some stuff. At her age (and my daughters)it's all about them feeling they have no control over anything. I hope this helps some.
Personaly it sounds like you have let her have her way for way to long. She sounds way more spoiled than ocd(I have ocd). You are going to have to put your foot down and be the parent. Let her teachers know whats going on so they don't undermine you by giving her what she wants. Take away all of the old clothes that are no longer appropriat and replace them with clothes you approve of and that fit, make sure you let her help pick them out but you set the boundries. Do not allow her any of the stuff that doesn't fit no matter what. At her age she should not be calling the shots like she does. If it was ocd then she would not have worn the socks the teacher gave her. If it is something she won't wear at home then she wouldn't have worn them anywhere. Also she wouldn't be so indesisive with ocd you have set patterns or things and you do them without even thinking about it you don't question it.
Have you had her evaluated for obsessive compulsive disorder? To me, that is what it sounds a little like she may be dealing with. Also it may help if you take her shopping and let her pick out a new outfit here and there. She may be wanting some of the independence that her older sister is having. I hope the situation is still in a phase position and things get better really soon.
Thats an easy one. My ten year old just put me through that same senario. Take and box up what is innapropriate for school and let her have one item a week back as long as she dresses for school correctly. If she still doesn't then take her privledges away. I find most parents don't like to ground their children today because they don't want to be grounded with them to make sure it sticks. If the behavior isn't corrected now heaven help you when she hits high school. If she argues or whines give her extra chores when she gets home. Mine really loved that. Sorry, I was more stubborn than her. It took about two weeks but she got the hint, right down to snow pants, boots and scarf. Good luck.
I think you need to take her to a counselor. There may be an underlying issue at hand. You left her father just 2 years ago, she has 2 brothers in the military and there wars o'plenty going on...she could be fearful of another loss or still hurting from the breakup between you and your husband, or there could be something else going on with her...maybe a friend moved away or some kids bugging her at school. All I can say is that she seems to be acting out and if you don't find the cause then it will be difficult to correct the behavior.
L., I can't help but feel everyone is out to label children. She is simply testing her boundries (although even though I'm not for labels, OCD does come to mind.)
Here is what I did for my then 5 year old that was just as picky. The night before I picked out 2 outfits. She had the choice of outfit A or B. No other choices! Trust me when I tell you at first this caused a heck of a tantrum with her reward being 5 mins in timeout! After about 4 days when she realized this is how things are going to be, it went very smoothly! She is now 12, I don't do choice A or B anymore but she still lays out her clothes the night before (I mean everything down to socks, panties, bra now, shoes, etc!) Mornings started going much smoother for now. We were able to deal with the issue the night before, therefore dealing with the tantrum and in the morning she put on her choice and went to school and I wasn't late for work. I too am a single mom so I know exactly what you are talking about! I also am a medic that works with a large family practice group. I see everything from newborns to geriatrics. I have gave this same advice to several moms and it's only been returned with a THANK YOU!
Are you sure we aren't raising the same girl? My 6 year old acts that way too. She is very head string-stubborn-her way or the highway. I make sure her clothes for school are picked out the night before no morning arguments. I explain the weather and then her that what I say goes. She has to look a certain way(it is 1st grade after all) You can always make certain clothes disappear-and when she wears theose clothes she doesn't like cheer her on tellingher how beautiful she is in them, All it really takes is someone other than yourself to tell her-aparrently our opinion doen't matter.! Go figure.
Have you tried letting her pick out clothes at night? I know this seems very strange, but when I was her age, I was so worried about what I was going to wear that it would take me crazy. I would sometimes even put on the clothes I picked out after my mom thought I was in bed. I would wake up in my clothes and feel ready for the day. I had time to eat breakfast and watch cartoons and did not get stressed out in the morning. I know it's not ideal to let her sleep in her clothes, but sometimes we just do what works, like you said, even letting her wear dirty clothes. Hope things get better.
hi. i agree with all of these sugguestions. they are all good. but i think you need to get her checked by a physician or therapist too. just to be absolutely sure that there is no other problem. my little boy wasn't really picky about clothes other than his socks, however he was picky about everything else. down to what he ate and drank. he has since been diagnosed with OCD, ODD(oppisitional defiance disorder), RAD(reactive attachment disorder), ADHD, and bipolar. it is soooo much easier to deal with when you know for sure if there is a reason medically or if it is something that you just need to compromise your child on. like laying out clothes ahead of time or letting her get dressed befor bed, things like that. my daughter is turning 3 next month and i let her pick her own clothes from 3 outfits that i pick first. she tries to pick something else but i don't let her. that gives her some independence but keeps me in control. some things you just can't control, like how she feels about socks. i am the same way with my socks. they have to be made a certain way and be a certain style. they can't be too big or too small. they have to be white. and the seems cannot lay wrong on my toes or it causes pain. i have tried soo many times to break myself of that but it just didn't work. have patience and you will get it all figured out.
To me, it sounds like your daughter has some serious sensory issues that it would be worth taking her to a doctor over. I'm not sure if this is so much a power struggle as it is a sensory issue. I have a 3 year old with Down syndrome who has the same type of issues, and my 6 year old son also has this problem with socks. I have bought MANY different types of socks so that I could find something that he would wear, and it has been hard. I would also try to find out if your daughter has OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) because that's what it sounds like to me. Not trying to freak you out or anything, but if you can get a "diagnosis", I think that would seriously help your situation. I'll send a prayer up for you! :) Take care.
~N.
I also have a picky dresser...I will not have her evaluated unless she displays other symptoms...I don't think being picky about clothes or throwing a tantrum is cause to ring any bells.My daughter became picky about her clothes...so we picked them out at night...End of story....I only step in when she wants to wear clothes that it is either too cold or too hot for...I am the Mommy...I do leave room for change..but I dont allow tantrums...My daughter had one tantrum at age two...we had a little talk I told her that behavior was not acceptable and I would not tolerate it (in two year old language) I told her she needs to use her words and not tears....because tears get her no where unless she is physically hurt....LUCKILY she understood and we don't have tantrums...I think it is important to work on that and let her know that she will NEVER get ANYTHING from crying or whining.
I can say that I'm lucky though that she listened becasue I have seen some moms have a hard time getting their kids to stop crying...But be consistent and keep working until they understand you are the BOSS!!!
HI L., first of all I commend you for even caring what your daughter looks like. As a teacher, it is diificult for me to see kids that look like they rooled out of bed just in time to come to school.
I am not much on advice, but..... when I was about 5 or 6, I used to throw hoorible fits on my mother each morning about socks, hair, etc.,. I hated any socks with seams in them. Can you imagine trying to find no seam socks? Anyway we now believe it was related to my lack of effective sleep, due to allergies of all things. I was put on allergy shots and felt better, and viola, not more sock issues.... Just a thought, you may want to check into her sleep issues, if she has any at all.
I noticed you said this started two years ago when you left your ex husband. Was this her father or someone close to her? Maybe that affected her and her pickyness is a way for her to feel some sort of control over her life. Many other habits are formed in the same way. you should sit down and talk about it with her, or maybe if you don't know what to say the two of you could do some family counseling. Even if this is not the case, some family couseling still might help with the dressing issues.
Sounds like she may have OCD. You should speak to her doctor about this. A family friend has a daughter with OCD. I'm not sure how it is treated or if it can be treated at all. But I think knowing a little more about it could help both you and your daughter cope with it. If that's what's going on...I would read up on it a little and see if she has any other symptoms.
Good Luck...
I can totaly relate to everything you are saying. I'm sitting here now in tears because I just tried to pick out my 7 year olds clothes for tomorrow and well you guessed it...a huge battle. This has been going on for years now. I have tried EVERYTHING! Letting her pick between two choices, selecting at night, taking her shopping to have her pick what she will wear...you name it, we've done it! But nothing works. My daugher like yours likes to wear everything extremely tight. Belts around her waist look very unconfortable as they are pulled to the tightest hole. Socks, shirts, pants and everything has to fit just so and be tight. Can't be too long, too short, too high, too low. She will pick an outfit the night before but then in the morning she's screaming and stomping and pulling clothes out of every drawer changing 20 times. I have threatened to take away all of her clothes and make her wear only what I pick out each day but i'm scared that will backfire and never teach her to make decisions on her own. I can't tolerate this one more minute. It's making me feel like such a failure of a mother and I'm guilt ridden for all of the explosive thoughts and feelings this brings about. I wish someone could help us work through this. She also shows some other perfectionstic tendencies when doing her homework. Everything has to be just so or she will erase it over and over again. I keep telling her that the teacher is not concerned with her handwriting as much as she is in completing the actual homework. I know i'm all over the place describing her but I'm just so frustrated myself. One more thing is her tying is her shoes. This too she likes extremely tight. I refuse now to assist her in this area as I was hurting my own hands trying to tie them over and over and over again just to make sure they were tight enough. uggh! HELP!!!!
