How to Deal with a 3 1/2 Year Old Daughter That Is Very Picky About Her Clothes

If she is very sensitive to touch, she may benefit from an evaluation from an occupational therapist who specializes in sensory integration dysfunction. You can find out more by going to http://www.spdfoundation.net for more information and a directory, if you feel this describes her. My daughter did very well after three months of therapy! Good luck!
K. Johnson, MS Ed
www.pyramidofpotential.com

my daughter also did this for while. it is torturous to start the day this way, i know. what we did and it helped, not everyday, mind you, but it's worth a try. we would decide the nite before what she wants to wear. let her pick it out and keep it laid out so she sees it when she first wakes up. i would tell my daughter, oh, isn't this exciting that you picked out such a great outfit to wear today. i can't wait to see how pretty you look in it". say anything you want just try and let her think she has the upper hand but as you as her guide. before she would get into bed each nite i would give her a choice of two pants, two shirts, etc even undies and socks. this lasted for a few weeks and then it should become easier. she's trying to be independant and just try and remember that she needs to be but with your guidance. if she wears pjs for a few weeks, so be it. my daughter wore a big barbie band aid on her forehead for 3 days on an imaginary boo boo.

someone else here asked a similar question a few months ago. My favorite response that she received was to pick out 2 or 3 outfits the night before and then let her pick in the morning. I realize you tried this before, but the response I read had a very ingenious, yet effective twist. If she does not like any of these choices and refuses to wear them, tell her she can go out naked. I think the mom said one time her daughter ended up in the car in her underwear on the way to school, but of course the mom packed an outfit for her to put on before she got out of the car. It worked. After that she did not complain. I'm not sure that a 3 year old is old enough to be upset by the threat of going to school naked, but it's worth a try. No yelling. No discussions. Just these are the rules. I think this is pretty common in girls and it's just testing limits.
I think the person who is suggesting to get her evaluated is overreacting. These days, everyone wants to get their kids evaluated for normal behavior that they may not like seeing in their kids, rather than just working it out. Sure therapy may work, but I think it's probably just because the child is getting some attention on a regular basis. More times than not, just basic discipline on the part of the parents will work too. Sorry, off my soapbox.

Honey, the tail is wagging the dog here. The night before, pick out (with or without her) pick out an outfit for the next day. She is to wear it, no discussion. Tell her the new rule, make a written list of consequences for giving you trouble while dressing and stick to the consequences. Your problem will be gone within 2 weeks but you have to stick to your guns. As for the PJs. They are for bed. If she wants to stay in her room by herself, she can wear pjs otherwise she needs to get dressed. Stick to a strict schedule of getting up, getting dressed in what was picked the night before, breakfast, etc. This is a power struggle and she's winning. My advice is to nip it in the bud NOW! The trials are just beginning at 3 you still have elementary school and teen years to deal with so you need to get a handle on the discipline or you'll be in big trouble before too long. Good luck, girls aren't easy especially smart ones!!

It's a tough age. They can make choices and are very verbal but they are still babies. What your daugher is doing it running your household for you and a household run by a 3 1/2 yr old is not a good thing.

Start the day the night before by having her pick out an outfit for the next day right down to the socks and underwear. Move the outfit out of her room and into the bathroom, kitchen, or living room. That way when it's time to dress those are the only clothes around instead of an entire closet full only steps away.

When it's time to dress make sure you gush over how great her outfit will look and say something like "Boy I'm sad that they don't make those socks in my size because I love princess socks." Does she like competition? Maybe you two could race by her getting dressed before you've put all the dishes in the sink.

Don't throw a temper tantrum yourself because all you are showing her is it's ok to yell and scream to get your way. It's hard to remain cool but you might try just walking into another room and doing a little deep breathing to recompose yourself.

Best of luck with your little one. Once she stops doing this she'll be onto something just as annoying.

Dear Z.,

I just want to say that I can SOO relate to what you're dealing with -- and your description was hilarious! My 2.5-year-old son is going through a big "I don't like" phase, as in, "I don't like pants" (all pants), "I don't like sweater" (all sweaters), I don't like breakfast, dinner," etc. My friend even gave my son a very hip, expensive-looking sweatshirt for a gift, and my previously sweet, mellow little boy embarrassed me horribly by shouting "I don't like this shirt," throwing it down, and stomping on it....

I haven't found the magic cure myself, but I really like Meg's suggestions. Two more random thoughts that you may want to try (please let me know if they work):

1. What about getting one of those little portable kitchen timers, bringing it up to your daughter's room, and setting it for about 3 or 5 minutes. You can say something like "When the timer buzzes, it's time to go down for breakfast, so we have to run, run, run and pick out your clothes for the day." That might change the rhythm of the morning enough to break the spell, and the timer might have enough "authority" to get your daughter focused on something else.

2. You might consider just allowing pajamas until it's time to take your daughter shopping for spring clothes. If you involve her enough in choosing her new clothes, she may feel good about wearing them.

3. Finally, this isn't really a suggestion, but more than half the little girls in my son's preschool seem to wear "princess" costumes every single day. They run around with these pink, shiny, lacy acrylic dresses over their snowpants. So I suspect you're not alone.

4. Finally, finally, it just occurred to me, is there a chance your daughter is just cold? She might want something cozy, or not want to change at all, b/c your home temperature isn't set perfectly for her internal thermostat....

Hope this helps, and sorry to ramble!

Mira

She is 3 y.o. Just put out two outfits and let her
chose. End of discussion. By letting her wear her
PJs to school, you opened Pandoras box. Now she thinks
she will always get her way. Remember, you are the boss!

Stop worrying about her clothes and focus on her tantrums. This is a power struggle and she is winning. Do not allow her to have a tantrum without consequences. Tell her it is totally unacceptable, unladylike, immature, embarrassing and whatever else you can think of. Tell her this while you are both calm. Explain that she cant go through life having a tantrum whenever she doesnt get her own way. Dont mention her clothes. When she starts to have her tantrum, remind her of your conversation (she wont care) then put her in whatever time out you discusses with her IMMEDIATELY. When she has stopped screaming ask her to get dressed. She will probably start again, remind her of the time out, then put her there. This has nothing to do with itchy clothes or constipation, it is simply a 3 year old asserting her independence. While thats a good thing she needs to be taught to follow your directions without having a fit. Teach her the art of compromise, which does not mean she can change her mind every 10 seconds. Give her a choice between 2 outfits and be firm about it. Dont argue, plead or bribe. "This is what you must wear period" If you are calm and consistent she will stop. But dont get excited...she will find something else to be independent about.
Wait till she wants her lip pierced!!!!!

Hi Z.,
I think that mostly it's a phase and an area where your daughter can assert her opinion, and it was probably either made more extreme or given merit because of the constipation. For my daughter, she had to wear a dress, and I learned "a skirt is not a dress", and that the dress had to twirl, or it didn't count even if it was a dress. My daughter is now 5 1/2 and has been wearing a uniform to Kindergarten all year, but the dress phase ended before that. While she was in it, I enacted "casual Fridays", she could wear a dress the rest of the week, but Friday she had to wear pants - there was NO WAY I was buying her new clothes, but I did tell our relatives that planned on buying her things the requirements. I think summer came and wardrobes changed and the whole thing disappeared for the most part. Good luck, maybe you can find some things she likes to wear and do "pajama fridays" as a reward.

It sounds like the 2 prevailing theories people here expressed are limit testing with tantrums and a real sensory issue with clothes being uncomfortable. The trick is figuring out which it is when you are not both stressed, mid tantrum or trying to get out the door. Can you talk to her about clothes sometime when you are both relaxed? Maybe got through her clothes and sort out which she likes and dislikes. Is there a pattern about which clothes she dislikes (specific fabric or texture, tight waistbands, seams that leave a red mark). I have heard of lots of crazy stories about kids being sensetive: wearing socks inside out because of the seams being irritating, being "allergic" to fabrics with polyester, etc. I have a cousin who I have almost never seen in anything other than sweats and t shirts and his mom says he refuses to wear anything else since he was a preschooler. I also have an odd stress reaction where my skin itches all over when I am overly stressed or tired. It lasts about 15 or 20 minutes and then goes away by itself or with benadryl. Also there are some good books out there on sensory integration issues as well as the classic book The Difficult Child which address many potential problem areas.

Once you determine if it is a sensory issue or a disipline issue you can resolve it one way or the other--there are lots of good suggestions here for both. I know my 3 year old manipulates and has tanturms when he thinks it will get him what he wants. It is definitely key to be calm and consistant in that situation. Either way, I hope you can resolve this soon.

It sounds like your daughter is trying to assert her authority in your house... and she's gaining it. You need to be firm and resolute in dealing with her. She will rule your house if you don't. You didn't mention what your husband does in these situations. You and he are going to have to agree on guidelines of how to deal with her and be consistent in your methods. If a punishment is delivered by one parent to your daughter for her unacceptable behavior, it's important that the other back the first 100%. That way you present a model of consistency and show a united front. You also need to control your own emotional outbursts, however difficult that may be in such a trying situation. The more your daughter sees you react in that way, the more she will continue to make your life difficult. Just so you know, I'm a dad of a 6 year old boy who can try my patience sometimes, so I know exactly how you feel and what you're going through. Good luck and be firm.

Wow Z., this can be really tough. I wouldn't worry about her only going out in pajamas. But if it really is bothersome to you, tell her she simply cannot go with you if she won't wear clothes, then wait until you can have someone watch her and then go. Inconvenient? Sure, but she's got to understand that pajamas are for bed. If it truly is a comfort issue, get her some different pants...fleece or cotton or sweatshirt material and see if that makes a difference. She sounds like a typical strong willed 3 year old. My 2 year old is very much like this and I have to let her wear clothes that don't even come close to matching sometimes...but only around the house. That's where I personally draw the line.

D.
36 year old mother of 5 with one more on the way

Hi!
Sounds like my almost 4 year old daughter! :)

I think it's a control issue. I give my daughter choices and she likes to play around. So, I give her two choices or she will get a consequence if she is messing around. Oftentimes, she won't listen, then I will tell her that I need to go downstairs and get ready to leave the house and she'll get the message.

Othertimes, I have told her that I will put ALL her clothes away and she will have only two outfits in her closet. I haven't had to do that, but I HAVE done that before with her toys and she "gets" it.

It will pass. :)
A.

Have you tried changing the laundry detergent and softner to soften her clothes...or tried a double rinsing????

I would continue allowing her to choose what she wants to wear without making a fuss...let it be. At some point your future clothes designer will grow out of this...

But in concern that she will start to have tantrums to get her way with other things as well....You need take action and stay in control... When that starts I would do "time outs" with her...remove her from the situation, being calm, firm and not give in. Stay with her in some un-busy place confind to a chair...talk calm to her and let her know what you expect from her...don't let her move from that spot until she stops the tantrum and she agrees to behave....At first it wont be easy but after a while she'll understand she cant behave that way.

Hi Z., Its great that your daughter can learn how to make her own choice about clothing,but at the age of 3 1/2 she knows that she has the control over that situationand thinks that if she has a tantrum that shes gonna get her own way. my suggestion is to choose her clothes for her,and dont let her tantrums get the best of you becauseif she sees that the tantrums work in her own favor she will continue to tantrum in every thing she wants&she has to realize that mom has the last say! my son at that age used to do the same thing &i felt bad too but,every time he wanted somthing he wouldtantrum,so i had to ignore the behavior and he learned quick that the behavior wasnt gonna work . so stick to your guns&dont give in! goodluck&stay strong E. V