3 Year Old Not listening...any Advice?

There's good control and bad control with children. You ALWAYS need some kind of control, letting a kid just do what they want is never good. But neither is being overbearing and not letting them assert their independence.

Three is a hard age because two-year olds are still babies in many way. But three year olds want to be independent much more so, and we know they have the capability to be.

Sometimes the more you react (even negatively) the MORE a child will do something. They are trying to create an effect. So if you tell Junior "no, you can't play musical instruments but you can play cars" and he throws a fit, the more you try to pacify him with "Not cars? How about trains? How about this? Junior, we don't hit. We don't throw things when we are angry" the more he is creating an effect on you, instead of the other way around. And all the yelling and punishment adds to the effect he has created. When he goes down in anger and frustration and you go down in anger and frustration...guess who "won?"

I have found that allowing the child to have "no effect" works better. When a child says "No, I want trains" I might say "no trains, how about cars?" If he gets upset I would repeat "no trains, how about cars?" If he got mad and stomped his feet I'd repeat in the same tone "no trains, how about cars?" If he got angry, I'd let him be angry, maybe leave the room (of course making sure that there wasn't anything around he could hurt himself with). Children WILL STOP behavior that has no effect. It's more effective than punishment and works on ALL AGES. (Sadly, babies in China don't cry anymore once they realize no one will come if they do.)

Three can be so much fun! By putting him in environment where he is safe and can be a little free helps too. I hope what I said helps a little, you might have to tailor it to your child and your home. Good Luck!

Tracy,

Three year olds can be SOO trying. Perhaps the reward system someone else recommended will work. It's hard to act like a big kid if you don't get treated any differently than a younger sibling.

When we were in this boat we went to the local "learning" store and bought picture cards and put magnetic tape on the back; in this case APPLES. Every time our daughter did the right thing, she got an apple on the fridge. Every time she misbehaved she lost one. There were 10 to earn for the day. And DADDY played a key role in making a big deal out of "how well we listened to Mommy today." At earning 5 apples she got a small treat. 10 for the day and she would earn SPECIAL time with mom or dad, sans siblings - maybe a ride to the grocery store, going with dad to the hardware store, staying up 15 minutes longer, alone time in the tub (not taking a bath with sibling, just HER). Anyway, having Daddy make a big deal out of it was key to our success. Even now at 5 1/2 and 4, we occasionally break out the APPLES and MUFFINS to curtail behavior. Earning special time alone with just mom or dad is a HUGE draw. They feel so important. Maybe this could help you with already having one younger sibling, and soon another "stealing" Mom and Dad's attention.

Sara

Hi Tracy,

I have two sons, also. 3.5 and 17 months. No baby on the way, though. ;)

Anyway, we have implemented a "Reward Chart" with 6 items on there that we are working on with our 3.5 y/o (Jacob). They are:
Clean pull-up (overnight)
Share with Ryan (brother)
No time-outs
Good Listening
Eating Dinner
No Whining

Every night, after we brush teeth we do stickers and he gets one for everything that he did well during the day. He LOVES it. And, the nights that he gets ALL the stickers, he gets an extra "special" sticker that he can put anywhere he wants (usually on his belly, lol).

At first, I didn't think he got the concept, but now all we have to say is "Jacob, this is your warning. If you do not share the toy with Ryan, you will lose your sharing sticker." And, MOST of the time - it works!

We haven't really worked up to a "big" reward for getting a certain amount of stickers. At this point, he's so excited for the positive reinforcement that we haven't needed to.

Another thing that we've done is if he's doing something on the list, we point it out. "Jacob, that's awesome that you listened when I asked you to take off your shoes. That's how you get stickers!" And, I give him a high five or something. We don't OVER emphasize the positive too much, but try to point out the good behavior when we see it happening.

Good luck and congrats on #3! Another boy?? Lol.

Tracy
we all worry too much from time to time. Do you notice if these fights happen closer to meal or snack times? Being respectful is a great quality but as with all great qualities they emulated our children are like little mirrors reflecting back to us what they see happening all around them. Also his world is in a great shake up right now a little bro who can do alot more now and new baby coming soon he is try to see where he fits in and needs to be caught being good and doing the right thing for attention. Good luck with your growing brood!
J.

Tracy,

Try to reserve time-outs for major offenses such as hitting, biting ect. Use positive reinforcement for good behavior. Also try to think of fun ways to get stuf f done. Like who can put away the toys faster? Think Mary Poppins.