2-1/2 Year Old Keeps Saying "Shut Up!!"

T.-

Personally what i think you need to do. Is whenever he sais that word put him in either a timeout chair/corner/room etc. for about 5 minutes so he can get over the tantrum and apoligize. If you do that every time he sais SHUT UP then he should stop in a few days to a week.

A.-

This is going to sound like the most ridiculous suggestion - but give it a try and you may be happily surprised by the outcome. Whenever he says "shut up" or does something temperamental, he knows he'll get a rise out of you. Even getting punished is a "win" for him, so temperamental kids don't see this as a deterrent. And traditional forms of punishment increase their levels of anger, which they then internalize and explode into more fits. Instead say something like "That was one of your better ones – nice and loud too. I know! How about you say that 30 more times, as loud as you can - I'll count. On your mark, get set..."

You'll be shocked how quickly they lose interest. Our son (now 5) had been acting out and we took him to a psychologist that categorized him as a classic "temperamental" child. Doc's name is Stanley Walters and he’s extremely well known for his research on temperamental kids and school readiness assessment. What we found out was that all the traditional things that you would think would work are the complete WRONG thing to do with temperamental kids. Time outs and take aways only increase their frustration and trying to verbally reason with them is also (often) counter productive. They internalize anger and frustration, so find lots of ways for him to get active, run, jump and expend energy - but not in competitive type activities that may bring on more conflict. Try not to use so many words – come up with hand signals that he understands instead of telling him that what he is doing is wrong. Instead of the time out chair, have him get “benched” which is sort of like going to his room for a while but he can still play. It’s taking a time out without the punishment – stepping away from the scenario to cool off and mom & dad are not supposed to say anything either for at least 15 minutes later.

Right after we got back from meeting Dr. Walters we tried some of his tips and it was AMAZING how fast our son's attitude changed. He started throwing couch cushions off - we said "hey, good throw, let's see that 15 more times" and immediately he said "no.... I don't want to...” We went for more rewards for good behavior using a ticket system and stopped the time outs (which had gotten to be everyday, often several time a day). Not sure if your twins were premature or not, but Dr. Walters also found that premature babies are more apt to have classic temperamental traits and behaviors which continue all through their school years and beyond. Our son was about 4 when we went through this, so not sure how the techniques work on a younger child. We were really surprised how changing a few things made such a difference in managing his anger and fits.

Try getting a book, and use the search words: "spirited children" or "raising your spirited child" or "setting limits with your strong-willed child" etc. There are many on Amazon.

Also, check and see how he is doing at preschool. THIS is a new thing in his life. Is he "behaving" at school? How is he transitioning? Do you mean he is in "daycare" (not Preschool), as 2.5 years old is "early" for preschool.

Also though, at this age, they can get pretty tantrum-y and defiant. Partly it's developmental, and their ability to communicate, and their "impulse control"(a child this age does not have FULL impulse control, thus, they cannot be expected to stop and stay stopped all the time. It's a learning process), and ALSO... a toddler's "emotions" are developing too... a child does not come fully equipped with a full range of emotions from birth, nor the ability to understand it. Different types of emotions develop as the child goes through different ages and stages.

When your son is yelling.... don't respond so quickly... or tell him "Mommy's ears don't hear you when you yell or use mean words... " At other times, saying "use your inside voice" or "no yelling" THEN, go and do something else, let him yell it out... and get his yah-yah's out... then often times, the child will deflate by themselves. THEN when he is calm, go to him and talk about it or give him a hug etc.

One thing I found helpful with our daughter when she was that age... is we began to teach her about the "names" for feelings, and the facial expressions, and different ways to communicate. It will provide a child with a good foundation for later... and in our case, it made our girl very articulate for her age and in her ability to discern social situations.

Also though, we taught her that she does and can have a "voice"... we nurture communication. BUT... that we are a TEAM and a family... so if she feels grumpy, that's okay... but not to take it out on others. For example, kids DO need to vent just like adults and they have their bad days too, and they need to know that we "understand" them. Just like adults. HOWEVER, we taught our girl that if she is grumpy/fussy... she can go in her room and scream all she wants, that this is her "safe zone"... then when she feels better, she can come out. It has worked well for us.

For a child that is defiant... well they are getting more independent too at this age.... and want to be "autonomous." BUT they need boundaries... reasonably placed for their age level and maturity. Consistency is important... and it will take a lifetime for us to instill values in our children. So, it will not be a slam dunk... and too, as they go through different ages and stages... it will occur again. The main thing is to keep to your values and "rules" for the family. Equitably.

Sometimes too though, a child who is this way is just frustrated and not getting what they need, and are lacking in something. So evaluate and reflect on this too.

Sometimes, kids are just talked "at" all the time... and only given attention for their "negative" behaviors, all day. This must be frustrating for them. As much as it is frustrating for the Parent, it is ALSO hard for the child. But, saying "shut up" is not appropriate... and he will need to learn about this and how to behave.... that is "hurts" other people etc.

Is there some reason he may be so angry all the time and frustrated?

My sister is a twin as well ... and growing up she was very fiesty and spirited and hard to manage. Mostly, it's because she is such a "perfectionist" in personality and had a hard time adapting to any changes in everyday life or with any differences in how she thought things should be. She is the type that likes regularity and a schedule and everything in it's place sort of thing....if not, she has a hard time adjusting....and she can erupt in a ball of frustration. She doesn't like anything new or spontaneous. This is how she was as a child. It caused a lot of difficulty in the raising of her. Now as an adult, she is much better... but still very particular. *Just wondering, IF perhaps your son is just the more particular person in personality as well? Since the other twin is more mellow and easy going...maybe he is the opposite and "needs" more structure and regularity to his life? If this is so... he will need to be handled differently from his twin.
Each child is different.... and what works for one, doesn't always work for the other.

It could also be that he is over-tired... does he nap regularly? This is important in helping to keep children adequately rested and even keeled. ALSO, is he perhaps just getting over-stimulated? This can also trigger tantrums in children. ALSO, some children are more sensory sensitive... and this can affect their "peace" and demeanor. My girl for example, is sensory sensitive to noises ever since she was a baby. At certain times, just having too much going on and too much noise just tweaks her limits and it's too much for her and she would start to yell and get very upset.
What we did to "solve" this is we got a cute sounding "cow bell." And, whenever her ears are getting "too full" (ie: too noisy for her and she can't take it anymore or she is too tired), we taught her to ring the bell... and this is HER way to tell us, in a nice way, that we need to be more quiet. This is perfectly reasonable for ALL of us... and it's a positive method to use, for a child as well. Since we all have naturally "loud" voices in my family... this was a good way for us to remind ourselves as well, that even we as Parents are "too loud" sometimes. Not just the kids.

Just some thoughts, all the best, sorry for rambling...
Susan

I am unsure as to the use of the naughty chair...he is not naughty, his words are, his words should b ein teh chair not him.

He knows he gets a reaction from the words so he uses them. Reinforce the behaviour you want. If he says "shut up" you say "I love you" and make a big deal of it. Get him to repeat the "I love you" and then make a big deal of it for him too. You have to tell him what TO DO, what not to do.

B.
Family Coach

Hi T.:
It is very common for toddlers to ape what they have heard.They are learning to communicate,and they will mock actions they see,or repeat words they hear.Your son has heard those words somewhere,wether it was another child,or someone on the TV.He is going to be proud of any accomplishments he makes regarding verbage.He feels,pretty good about his new found words of expression.The less you make of his choice of words,the better.Give him your own to learn. When he says (shut up) say...(quiet please) Before you know it,he will be repeating your words in place of the negative ones.Contrary to another mothers belief,You do not have to resort to physical or sadistic behavior,to teach your son right from wrong.As a matter of fact,that sort of behavior coming from a parent,merely teaches their child more bad behavior.Soap in the mouth,is not only abusive,mentally,but its an extremely unhealthy thing to be cramming in your childs mouth.Some can contain Lye,and other chemicals dangerous to their health.I find it hard to believe, that so many,treat this behavior as (dire) It is very normal for his age group.You are his teacher right now,you teach him which words to use,and don't allow others to make you believe this is anything other than (a stage) I wish you and your darlin boy the best.

We have recently had a similar problem with our 3 year old boy. They love to know that their words are powerful, and it is worth the time out to get people to react. I have no idea why they think it is fun. But my husband thought of a great idea. We thought of something that our son doesn't like, for example cleaning the cat box, or picking up his sisters toys. Then every time he said "poo poo head" we calmly said, oh you want to clean your sisters room? In this house if you say that you must mean you want to do something nice for someone else.
Of course he cried, but he couldn't come out until he at least made an attempt at picking up (or whatever you choose) It only happened twice, and he learned quickly that he didn't like the consequence. I assume that little boys are just stubborn and time outs aren't really that bad of a punishment for them :)
Congratulations on your consistency, and I think no matter what it will eventually pass.
Good luck!
~J.

I agree that making a big deal of it is only reinforcing the behavior, at this age. He doesn't really understand what he is saying and he's made a game of it and you are playing along. You might want to try ignoring it for a couple of days - just let him say it over and over and when no one responds to it (no attention at all good or bad), he'll get bored of it and stop. At this age, he's not really going to learn why it's ok or not ok to say something so the trick is to encourage good words when he says them. Start using another new word to him that he might enjoy saying since it's new... and everytime he says "Shut up" say the new word, and if/when he repeats the new word, give him a positive response or prize or whatever. Maybe a word that sounds like Shut up, for example "Look Up!" and when you point up, he can look up at the ceiling, making this a fun & silly new game (forgetting the old). When he says "Shut Up" just ignore it, no positive or negative response. When he's older you can explain why it's not nice to say hurtful things to others. For now, it needs to be simple for him. Sincerely, K.

I can remember a similar situation when I was very little. I said something that I shouldn't have and my dad washed my mouth out with soap. To this day I don't like Ivory soap! I didn't say the word again though. I know it sounds horrible, but the soap doesn't hurt them, and if he won't listen after 4 months it's time to try something new. Good luck.

I know it isn't pretty but the more attention you draw to it the more he is going to say it. To him, attention is attention whether he is getting it from doing something good or something bad. He gets your attention - and everyone else's when he says shut up. Now, he wasn't born saying shut up so he learned it somewhere. It could be worse. My daughter's first bad word was *ucker! I quicky researched what to do and after just ignoring it and drawing NO attention to it what so ever, it was never muttered again. In your case, since it has already caused such a stink, I'd just A)make sure no one in the home is saying shut up! Even if they are saying it in a Stacy London from What Not To Wear kind of way. and B) Help him find some better words to use. With my daughter, we used "pickles" in place of *ucker, all weekend long after the Friday afternoon incident and she uses pickles to this day (several years later). Try to catch him doing more right during this time and make a big deal out of that rather than him saying shut up.

With some patience on you and your husband's end, this will pass - how quicky will depend on how you handle it. I get most of my discipline advice from www.askdrsears.com.

Best wishes,
M.

Hi T., The Naughty chair didn't work, becasue the consequoence doesn't fit the behavior. I had an interview with a mom, whos 2 1/2 year old and this child screaned at me told me no, disrespected me in my own home, I've raised 3 kids who to this day have never disrespected me this way. I have advice for you, for not sure you will like it, but here it goes, everytime he speaks with disrespect flick his cheek with your finger, it stings a little but does no damange. Let me tell you from the outside looking in, a child that is disrespectful, is very ugly behavior, and people will not want your son in their home, amd maybe won't want to be in your home around a child that shows disrespect, and I'm very surprised that your husband didn't not discipline him wheb he told your husband to shut up, if one one my kids back in the day disrespected like that, he would of handles it, and it would have never happened again. J. L.

my daighter also tried that. any time she did i just calmly said we dont say shut up we say please be quiet. then she would tell everyone be quiet... all the time! lol so i decided that the best thing for me was to ignor it. made for emberassing moments but once i stop reacting to it she didnt think it was fun any more. i think these children like to push the buttons once they figure out what they are! lol good luck!

I would try staying neutral with him when he says it. (It'll get worse before he gets better and it might make you crazy.) What I mean is... when he says it, give him no attention, ignore and walk away and pay attention to another task, child, etc. (It's best to do this at home rather than in public). After about 2 days, it'll probably fade away because he gets little to no attention for it.

NOTE: This is very difficult to do but if you and your family are consistent about it, the behavior will probably change in a matter of days.

You may not be saying it but he's getting it from someone that he looks up to. Start ignoring the behavior. When he says it walk away and pretend you did not hear it. So much energy behind stopping it in a way encourages it. Tell him no and then be done with it. No explanation, just "NO" and be done with it. And lavish extra attention when he gets frustrated and DOES NOT say it. Praise him extra when he does it right. If he gets no/or little attention when he does the undesirable behavior, however he gets tons of attention when he doesn't, chances are he will start doing the behavior that getss more attention.

I had a son who was VERY hyper-active and was diagnosed AD/HD. Traditional discipline didn't work with him (Our doctors and therapist confirmed how important consistency and enforcing the rules was, even though it felt like he was always in trouble). One thing I found that REALLY worked with him was sitting and holding him in my lap. I hugged him and just calmly and quietly sat with him during his time-outs. It drove him nuts, but was very effective for him and also helped me stay in control.
Good luck!

I also have a 2 1/2 year old son and am an older mom (39). We are having quite a bit of trouble getting him to listen and he also likes to yell things. Sometimes it seems like he is just testing his voice or his power to get us to react. I get down to eye level and (keeping the frustration out of my voice), firmly say while holding his arms at his sides, "We don't talk like that, it isn't nice." If it escalates, and he seems to be tuning me out completely I say, "Do you need some quiet time in bed?" He usually says no to this. I know the "experts" say don't use bed as a threat but for us, this often works and he still likes his room. Best of Luck. I find my biggest challenge is just getting my voice calm before I respond.