18 Month Old Heart Broken About New Brother

Hi N.. Don't feel bad. 18 mo. olds can't quite verbalize what they are feeling. Kids go through so much change in those first couple of years, but they are resilient & learn quickly.
I recently had a baby as well. I also have a 10 yr old, 3 & 2 yr olds. My 3 & 2 yr olds are 16 mo. apart. When I was pregnant with my now 2 yr old (Jude) I showed my now 3 yr old (Aydan) that a baby will be coming. I showed him with one of my daughter's old baby dolls how to be loving, nurturing & caring to the new baby. I showed him how I would nurse the baby, change his diapers, cradle & rock him, etc. I told him that I did the same for him when he was a little baby. He caught on quite well & had no jealousy issues. I did the same with Jude when I was pregnant with my now 3.5 mo. old (Ryker). Jude is very loving to Ryker,so, I think it helped a great deal.(Now, my mom doesn't like my boy playing with a baby doll, but I knew a therapist who told me that there was nothing wrong with a boy playing with them because it teaches boys to have that nurturing quality). Sometimes I do catch Jude trying to poke Baby Ryker, but I correct him by saying " No, Jude, baby doesn't like owies". Then I cradle the baby & say, "I love you baby" I will then do the same with Jude by giving him a big hug & telling him I love him. Jude turns around, hugs & kisses the baby & tells him "AW, baby so cute. I love you baby".
It's not too late. I think showing her with a baby doll may help. Little ones learn a lot by play.
Don't worry & good luck!

My two oldest are 19mos apart, so I went thru the same thing what worked for us was including the older one in nursing Does your daughter have a baby doll that she can "feed"? You can read books to her while nursing or sing songs. It'll get easier, hang in there!

It's partly her age, and her ability to understand things at this age in conjunction with her developing emotions and how children at this age "communicate."

It's a hard time for her now... she doesn't mean to be "jealous" it's just her feelings...and they don't know how to handle it at this age. It's normal.

Poor girl... you'll need to spend special time with her one on one... explain, as simply as you can... how baby is HER brother...incorporate her into "helping" you with baby, as much as is possible for her age...even if it is just "letting" her go and get a diaper for you to give to brother etc.

One thing, don't punish her for her feelings or reactions. She is learning too. Don't teach her it is "wrong" and telling her "no" all the time (not saying you do this). But, they have tender hearts at this age... and you want her to grow up learning to love brother, to like him, to know what SHE is loved too.

What I do with my older girl and her brother is "teach" them they are a "team" that they are both special, that they must always protect each other and have fun together. Sure, they won't understand everything...but by constancy, they will learn...children are sponges and will "duplicate" what we teach them in words and actions.

Get some "big sister" books or videos or tell her stories about being a big sister. She's still young....but over time, it can help.

She is also going to be hitting the "terrible 2's" stage soon, if not already... so this will also be a trying time for her. She needs reassurance and extra loving.

Adjustment periods really vary with each child and their personalities. My daughter and son are 4 years apart...so by the time my girl got her brother, she was mature enough to understand, and her level of acceptance was good by then. But, I made sure to let my girl participate in my daily activities with my son....taught her how to take care of baby. Your baby is still newborn, so of course you need to be careful with a child around him, just in case... they don't mean to, but can be a little rough sometimes.

Also, at this age of 18 months... children do NOT have impulse control yet... so they will tantrum, cry, stomp their feet. FULL impulse control does not happen yet, until about 2-3 years old.

It's not an easy time for a little one to adjust to a new sibling...but use your words & tone of voice and affection to "teach" her about baby. Over time, it will sink in.

I know it's not easy, and I probably didn't have an answer for you.. but just give extra time to your girl, as much as possible. Maybe when baby is napping, you can spend time with JUST her...

Take care, and all the best,
~Susan

Don't be like that. You are the mom. If you think you have done something horrible to her, then she will think you have done something horrible to her. If you think she will hate you, then she will think like that. Get yourself together. She is communicating her feelings. She feels like she has been replaced. You must show her that it is better to be a big sister than it is to be a baby. Find ways to make her understand. Spend some time with her one-to-one so that she understands how important she is to you. Make up a story about how the princess had a baby brother and the princess thought that there was no place for her anymore, but then she finds out that there is a very important position for her. She must show the little one how to find his way in the world, etc. etc.

Dear N.,
I understand your feelings and confusion. Your daughter will not grow up angry and spiteful. She is very upset and angry now. You have gotten great advice, though I would say that it is important that she is not isolated or shunned for her expression of feelings.
My suggestion is that you give her your loving attention (you can do this while holding or nursing the baby) while she is expressing her anger by stomping her feet and throwing herself on the ground. Saying to her something like: "I see that you are angry and upset. I love you. Go ahead and get it out. You are my special daughter and I love you. This is your new baby brother and he needs to be fed, but I am here for you and I love you." This way she will release her feelings, learn that she is loved even when she is angry, and will eventually move past all the anger about being "replaced".
Another thought is that she brings a baby of her own and feeds it a bottle on the couch next to you - so you can feed the babies together. All the suggestions about special time for her, books and DVDs about being a big sister. It sounds to me like you are a very good and present mom, and I imagine you have been doing this.
Hang in there and know this too shall pass.
From:
J. (mom for 32 years and happy grandmother of 10 1/2 month old boy)

Two of my kids, both boys, are 14 months apart, and I can remember those first few months! I cant recall who cried the most, me, the first boy or the new baby! I will tell you that it does get so much better, my two boys are now 4 & 3 and life is a bit easier. I think that it took about 6 months for everyone to find their place in the family, my oldest and only girl was great, but then this was not the first boy we brought home so she was like a little pro at this new baby stuff. Keep in mind that your middle child is making a huge adjustment and has no words to describe her feelings, and she is about to start her "terrible twos". Do your best to still spend one on one time with just her. I am also a single parent and I have a morning and night schedule. In the morning I wake before anyone else does and get myself all ready for work, then wake each child ( oldest to youngest) in 15 min slots, this way I have 15 mins alone with them and they know that they are not to intrude on the next kids time slot. At night it is the same thing ( youngest to oldest) the oldest reads to the middle child while I get baby to bed with a story and some cuddles, then the middle child gets his slot and when I am done with him baby is asleep and middle child goes to bed, then I have time for my oldest! It gives them all a bit of one on one and I enjoy the time to snuggle with each of them, as they grow so fast that slips away. Just remember that this too shall pass and sit and enjoy them while you still can :) Be blessed

My son was exactly 20 months when I brought home first my daughter and then, one week later, her twin brother. He had a really hard time adjusting also. At that age, it was hard for him to express his feelings. I agree with some of the other advice you had. We found that me being able to carve out special time with him was very helpful. It was difficult to do since I was so exhausted, but when I was in special time with him, I tried to be completely focused on him. My husband also took him out a lot. With adjusting to twins and his personality, it took my son several months. I do believe his adjustment was definitely on the long side. I often worried that I'd seriously messed things up for him. I'm thrilled to report that now he is happy to have a brother and sister. He even prefers going out with them to time alone with me now! I guess my point is that having a sibling will eventually enrich your daughter's life. You have not done something horrible to her - once your son is more mobile and can play with her, she'll likely be happy to have him as part of her life. Hang in there. One thing that seemed to help my son was the book "I'm a Big Brother" (there's a Big Sister book too). I believe it's by Joanna Cole (sorry, he's napping now so I can't look it up easily). He really seemed to identify with it. We also showed him pictures and told him stories of when he was the same age as his siblings.

Hi N., you are the second message this week on this subject, it is normal for children to be jealous when a new sibling comes into the picture, with a 18 month old it is really hard, I would remove her from the family when she acts up, and allow her back when she calms down, you have not done her wrong most familes have multi children, and yes she does have to adjust, involve her with the baby, when I had my daughter, my 2 year old son did not want us to bring her home from the hospital, when i held her he would not come near me, he didn't act up, cause he knew daddy would handle that, I let him and my 5 year old son at the time, arrange the stuff animals in her crib he way they thought she would like it, when i would get her dressed i let them pick out her outfit, I praised my two year old when he did something good, i would say, wow Andrew that was great Samantha can't do hat yet, and he would just get the biggest smile on his face, get her involved as much as you can, also Nicloe when people come over
make sure they pay attention to your 18 month first. i hope this helps/ mother for 24 years. J.