Would This Make You Mad? or Am I Being Unreasonable?

I hate to say the obvious, but he didn't chose his birthday; you both chose the wedding day...

That said, men just don't get all wrapped up in anniversary stuff. I don't know of any that get into it, even for the "big ones" unless someone is helping them to. Women tend to get more into it, as we are more into the weddings themselves.

If this is a sudden change, it may just be life getting in the way. But try talking to him when you're not feeling so raw about it. And if he gives you "free reign" and sucks at the actual "making it happen" part, go for it! LOL

Neither.

One thing I've learned in my (very crappy) marriage is that one of the WORST things to do is to make everyone miserable. Meaning... if you aren't getting what YOU want, don't keep your husband from getting what he wants so that you're both suffering... INSTEAD, make it so you BOTH get what you want.

You want a special anniversary. It's important to you. He wants a special birthday. It's important to him.

So DO that. Neither of you is wrong for wanting special.

In my family; birthdays are special. PERIOD. Whether you're 5, 27, 54, 92, 111 (and all the numbers in between). That's not true of every family, but it seems like it's true for your husband.

What I do for my birthday is PLAN IT. I write a whole list of pie in the sky "what I want" and then I figure out what will work, and get it done. ((I decided that this year I want a 'party' and I'm holding it 3 months early, because what I WANT is for "everyone" (aka a short list of people who'd find it fun) to come up in the snow with me, be renting a cabin for the weekend, and snowboard, sled, hottub, bbq. That's what I want this year (or maybe next if I can't get it swinging this year). LAST year I had little miss girl day. Spa stuff, reading, lingerie shopping, girly girly fun (which I'm not usually). It was a whole day to myself :) :) :) Um. Yes. I DID incorporate my son into it so he had fun/ felt special, too. Having a "me" day, needs to not hurt my son. Period. He was *super* excited, because this is NOT a normal day. My mum came over and helped him make 'breakfast in bed', and I met up with him around dinnertime and we had dinner and cupcakes, and killed aliens half the night on the xBox. PERFECT DAY. The year before my son and I spent the day together, and my husband and I had a romantic dinner/evening. Another perfect day. (I still had hope for my marriage at that point).

Those are MY perfect days. One of my best friends likes "surprise" parties. MOSTLY what that means is that they don't want to have to put a single finger into the planning/cleaning/prep :) :) :) Goofball. But that's what makes things perfect for them. Another wants a family dinner. Another wants "family day" (bike riding and cake). Another wants presents. Another, and another, and another (you get the drift; perfect is different for everyone.

IMHO 1-3 days a year to make "perfect" is a great thing.

- Birthday = plan perfect day for yourself
- Anniversary = plan perfect day for both of you
- Mothers/Fathers Day = plan perfect day for you and your kid(s)

You may only want 1 or 2 days a year, and so may your husband. They just don't happen to be the SAME days.

My vote is that you talk to your husband with the "have my cake and eat it, too" attitude, instead of resentful / angry. How can you BOTH get what you want?

He wants a big deal on his birthday, so you need to go all out and plan something for him, because HE wants it. He doesnt do much for your birthday because as you said, "you dont like a lot of attention." You dont want much, so he doesnt do much. You should be glad he is doing what you want. He wants a big deal. You dont. No one ever said a couple has to have the same feelings and get the same treatment.
As for the anniversary, why should he be the one to plan something? You both got married that day, its not just his job to make the arrangements for dinner or a weekend away. He might be thinking its up to you to plan. And Id bet you did most of the plans for the wedding and some men take that as a signal the wife will make plans for anniversaries too.There are a few men who know how to pull off "romantic" but not all know how or want it. Us females are the more romantic sensitive types who have dreams and ideas in our heads of how we want a certain occasion to go. (most guys just want a good dinner and sex) If you want it to be a certain way, then plan it yourself and take him along for the ride. Guys get excited when a woman makes plans. Women like when they get what they want. That means its best if YOU make the plans YOU want. Happy anniversary. And tell him Happy Birthday too.

Sounds to me like you feel like you have to compete with your husband for attention.
I don't find his interest in his own birthday stupid or immature, I feel the exact same way at 42. It has to do with the way I was raised. Birthdays were a big deal in my family, other holidays weren't. Yes, to me, it's a holiday. To my husband they mean little to nothing. So I get little to nothing, and I feel sort of empty for that, but it's MY thing, so I take care of myself if I need to. I don't get resentful...
The post reads as though you are immature and resentful of his "stupid" friends and his stupid needs and his immaturity... on and on! Why should HE surprise YOU for your anniversary? Isn't it BOTH of your anniversary? Shouldn't BOTH of you be plotting the grand surprise for each other?

If you don't care about birthdays, presumably, then why should he treat your birthday as if it's a big deal and make big plans? I hear a lot of contradictory things here.

How about if you try to communicate with your husband like an adult and a partner and let him know how you feel about these things so that you can both set expectations for the events, and both be happy? Take the guess work out of your happiness. Take responsibility for your own emotions, and stop projecting? Just an idea.

Well, why don't you do it up big for his birthday & be the better person? Maybe he will follow your lead. What's going on is a cycle of "he didn't do it for me, so why should I do it for him?" You're married - do it because you love him. If you are not happy with what he does(n't) do for your birthday, then tell him. Tell him it seems like he never puts any effort into it & it hurts your feelings.

Is it also possible that you feel the attention should be on your anniversary, and not on his birthday, maybe just a little bit? And, why on earth would you choose to get married so close to his birthday, anyway? You had to have known it *might* create issues.

Sounds like you guys need to communicate, honestly. He can't know what you need/want if you don't tell him.

I think you could be sending him the wrong message. You said you didn't think birthdays are a big deal so maybe that's why he doesn't make a big deal of yours. However, he does love his birthday and has made that clear. I think sometimes we assume our spouses know what we want, but I have found that sometimes you pretty much have to lay it all out there for them and be very clear about what you would like, and what you expect. I am sure he would be responsive since he loves his birthday so much. I am going to be 52 and I still love my birthday!!! And I love to be paid attention to on that day. It isn't about how much is spent on me it is about how much my family recognizes me on my birthday, just as I do for them. My anniversary is on my birthday so we usually go away for a weekend. My family had a surprise 50th for me. Nothing big it was in my home. My daughter took me, and my mom to the Christmas show at Radio City and my husband, son, and friends decorated and put the party together in the 2 hours I was gone. The party was with my closest family and friends, my daughter put together a slide show of my family from when my children were babies, it was soooo special and emotional for me. I don't think we are ever too big to feel loved and special.

My husband can be very much this way, but it has a lot to do with the way he grew up.

A) They were very, very poor. Most of his "cool" toys were half broken hand-me-downs, along with clothes, shoes, and everything else.

B) When I had met him, he had never had a birthday party, not even as a child. No party hats, no balloons, no streamers, no pin the tail on the donkey.

C) His dad was an abusive drunk, so he spent most of his childhood trying to go unnoticed because he was the one that got beat.....every time.

So, now that he is older, he has a deep need for those things. They make him feel special, they are a symbol to him that he has risen above that life. He needs to be ackowledged as special on his birthday. He needs a gift. He's not greedy, it doesn't have to be huge. He just needs to feel validated in a way he never did as a kid.

Is there any reason your husband feels this way? Have you asked him? And have you told him that you have no problem making a big deal out of his important days if he is willing to do the same thing for you? It's all about communication. Men are fairly simple. They have to be told just about everything, but will usually do what you say. Just be specific, because the will do EXACTLY what you say.

In our families, Birthdays are a BIG deal.. every year.

This year I had a Bday party with 2 other friends. Catered, Photo Booth, DJ.. Drinks.. we had a blast.

Usually we let the Bday person pick a place to eat and we invite a group of friends.. Even the ones, I do not care for.. I seat them at the other end of the table from me.

I have kidnapped my husband and taken him to dinner and then surprised him with an overnight at an in town Hotel.

He has kidnapped me and taken me on a Train ride with a picnic dinner and an overnight stay out of town.. then we rode back on the train the next day..

I have also learned, If I want something, I need to lay it out. For some reason, even though we will celebrate 30 years this month.. he has never learned how to read my mind. I do not like setting him up, to then beat him down for disappointing me, when all I have to do is communicate with him.

Maybe this is the year when you take over the anniversary for the both of you but do not see it as your money and taking the fun out of it for you, but getting to do what you really want. . 2 Massages at a spa, over night in a glamorous resort.

AND make his birthday a big deal. Does he golf? Maybe reserve a course for hi and a friend.. then take him for his favorite meal somewhere.

Some guys are just totally clueless and overwhelmed.. They can just shut down..

Well, my husband was a doofus and I divorced him, but I have to give him some credit. He wanted us to get married on his birthday so he could never forget our anniversary.
His dad had to have surgery and the wedding had to be postponed, exactly two weeks later, but he was still good at remembering it.

Look, some people really like something special on their birthdays. It is the day we were born, after all.
I'm getting older and it doesn't seem like something I should look forward to, but I do. My kids always get me something. My mom and sister and even my ex husband try to make it special.
I think you should let your husband have his special day. Maybe because you don't think birthdays are a big deal, he doesn't make a big one of yours.
I would let him have a celebration, tell him you are so happy for the day he was born or you couldn't have married him and you can't wait to celebrate your anniversary that is so important to you.
I'm just saying that if you've given him the idea that birthdays aren't that important to you, you can't expect him to do much on yours.
Let him have a great birthday. Give him a kiss and say, "I can't wait to see what you plan for our anniversary. Wink, wink".
It might get him thinking.....

Just saying....

Best wishes.

I think you have to look at what YOU can control here. It sounds like he wants a special day, so you should figure out what would make it so or ask him out-right. You want a special anniversary. Understandably, what would make it special to you is if he planned it. You can't control that, though. So, figure out what you want to do, plan it, tell him what y'all are doing, and do it. Perhaps he will remember all your efforts for his birthday and reciprocate. Remember as your birthday approaches to ask him, "so, what are we doing for my birthday???" Be prepared to have to give him ideas. A lot of people are afraid of making plans for someone else because they are afraid of "failing", meaning the other person will be disappointed.

Good luck and happy anniversary!!!

From what you describe, if the two of you don't start caring about each other's needs, wants, likes and "dislikes", I would say you won't have to worry about celebrating too many future birthdays OR anniversaries.

His birthday is important to him but not so much to you. Why not arrange a guys night out with the friends that you don't like......(with a designated driver of course).

For your anniversary, go away for a day or two to someplace you BOTH like.

There's a lot of anger and disappointment going on here. Are you being selfish? Yes.....Is he being thoughtless about your feelings? Yes.....Can you fix your marriage? Only if you both want to.

Blessings.....

Did you always feel the way you do about birthdays, even before you were married, but when you were just dating? Or did you spoil him with sweet nothings and treats and then all of a sudden things dried up?

If you gave him presents and special gifts back when, but now think because he's 37 and a dad he needs to "grow up," he could very well be trying to send you a messge about birthdays by not going out of his way to get you something special for yours.

Even if you've always felt this way and acted accordingly over the years, does that justify being a sour puss about things? You might be pleasantly surprised by him when your birthday rolls around, if you give him the kind of birthday he is hoping for. Remember, he gave up his friends and single years to be with you and your child. Why wouldn't you want to give him a special day? If he weren't born, you wouldn't have the life, marriage, and family you have today. Isn't that and your husband's part in that (his life) worth celebrating?

Birthdays aren't necessarily childish stuff, or an excuse to get hammered with your friends. They are however the best way to honor those souls who are dear and special in our lives. Their birth and existence hopefully should mean something significant to you. If you, as his wife can not show him this simple token of love, than who, other than his mother will?

I personally think birthdays are important til the day they put you in the ground. Why do they have to be wild parties, or why should we feel bitter about getting them something they really want, or to spoil them for the day with a special cake or meal? If you love him, you should show him.

If you think he'd enjoy his friends being there, it's only one day. If you think he'd prefer his parents and siblings, call them! If he'd be content with just you and the baby, then keep it simple. If you think he would love having you all there, have a party. Don't worry about the details. You can always ask his family and friends to help with that if you're stumped. There are magazines with ideas, and if worse comes to worse, there's nothing wrong with getting it catered by a grocery store or restaurant and just playing some good music and let everyone mingle.

The key is, if he wants to celebrate his birthday, he's only saying to you he wants reassurance that you still care...and still value his commitment, and that you still love him.

I have found that if *you* as the wife and mother and the heart of the home remember special days and make them important...he will follow suit. Men aren't raised to think this way, but they can and do learn...from you. Create traditions and memories in your home by planning and celebrating special days. In time, he will come to look forward to them and will learn to contribute in a way he knows is pleasing to you.

The concept is simple. You show him love and how to love, and he will learn and do the same. This is important for your children as well. What you do at home is what they will carry with them in their hearts and into the future. If they only know that mom gives the kids everything, but not dad, you can bet they'll grow up to be the kind of husband/wife who doesn't value special days or celebrations. This includes anniversaries. There is nothing wrong with being the catalyst and the primary planner. There is nothing wrong with sitting him down and planning your day together. You'll find that it will be very enjoyable for the both of you this way, instead of waiting for something to happen. A marriage is the celebration of a couple, not dating where you still have to prove your intentions. Anniversaries are celebrations and confirmation that you are still committed to each other and are very much a unified couple. So it is perfectly appropriate for the two of you to collaborate in the planning of your special day.

I think the two of you need to communicate more -- tell each other what you want done on your birthdays. Ask him -- what special thing would you like on your birthday? Tell him that you would really like for him to do something on your. If you want a gift, tell him what you want. If you don't communicate what you want, it's unreasonable of you to expect him to figure it out on his own. Right now, what your saying to him is that birthdays aren't a big deal to you, so he doesn't make a big deal out of yours. If he has specific things he wants for his birthday, he needs to let you know, and you should ask, otherwise it's unreasonable for him to expect it to happen.

Reason has nothing to do with it.

Celebrate his birthday. It obviously means something to him, even if it doesn't to you. If you want an idea, ask him with more enthusiasm.

When you celebrate his birthday with enthusiasm, he will probably celebrate your birthday and your anniversary with more enthusiasm.

This isn't a matter of right or wrong, just about people's feelings. Making your husband happy can only be a win-win.

If you give him a nice birthday, and he does nothing for your birthday or anniversary, THEN you will have something to gripe about.

I don't think you're being unreasonable, but I'll share your lament and maybe you'll feel a bit better.

My husband doesn't celebrate anything besides Christmas. He does not get me birthday presents. I'm lucky if I get a Happy Birthday. I don't get anything for Valentine's Day. For anniversaries, I had an idea...since we are both artists, let's draw something for each other every year, and we'll put it in a special book to keep. For our first anniversary, I had to remind him, ON THE DAY, to draw something. I spent two weeks...he spent about five minutes. The second anniversary was cotton, so I made a really neat picture of him holding our two girls, ALL OUT OF stretched cotton balls...took forever...he taped two cotton swabs together at the last minute. I am not joking.

If my husband wanted to take me shopping, I'd jump for joy. So although I agree with you 100%, I'm just sharing that it could be worse.

And to be fair, I love my husband very much and he's a very sweet guy. Just...no gifts. :( :)

I sometimes get a card for birthdays, anniversaries. Christmas maybe a sweater. My husband is a great guy, good dad, but this is not his thing. Money is tight anyway, and I am a bit sad about the lack of recognition, but not really upset. With guys, I believe you have to ask...they often don't get hints! Communicate what you'd like and make it work. Maybe going somewhere special together (ball game? theater?) can be your gift? My bday is around Christmas, and we do have a family tradition of taking a sleigh ride, so that is kind of my "present" (but the year the weather didn't cooperate, I didn't get something else instead). If is is important to you, make a plan!

I would definitely say something about your anniversary, every one of them is important and you should celebrate. And I do think you are being kind of mean about his birthday. If he wants a party give him one. Birthdays are the one day of the year that is "YOURS." Some people hate birthdays as they get older and others embrace getting older. Throw him a dang surprise party, invite friends and family, even if you can't stand his friends, they are HIS friends. Being a good spouse is making the other person HAPPY, that should be your goal and I am sure it will be returned.!!!!!! And it sounds like he is excited for his birthday:)

My husband can also be distracted. I have found that instead of wishing that he would read my mind, I ask very specifically for what I want.
In my case, this is for him to give me a card that has something personal & mushy written in it. :) I know he cares about me, but it is nice to see it written too. :) It also does not require reading my mind for what I want.

As for your situation, your question is not quite what I answered... It sounds like you need to either plan what you do for your anniversary - and make it special because he is there with you. Or you can hope that he reads your mind, and get upset when he fails. :)
For his birthday - talk to him about what he wants. Make it a special day by doing small things. (Write a note on the mirror, leave a note in his car, have him pick the meal (or in our family, make dinner without his having to worry about it..), get a balloon or two...) Really, it goes back to what are his expectations?
(Sorta unrelated - but a saw a thing one time where they were talking about how peoples expectations coming into a marriage were a great indicator of how the marriage would fare. If they both thought it would be hard, then they did ok. If they both thought it would be easy, then they did ok. If one thought it was going to be hard, and the other thought it was going to be easy - then they had a really challenging time keeping the marriage together.)
Expectations are big things - so having a reasonable conversation about this so that you can get both of your expectations met is important.
Happy Anniversary! (and happy birthday to him!)

Ouch!!! are we keeping score here?

Yes, birthday's are important - they are to me. My husband? It's just another day - and ALWAYS has been for him....in regards to you - you tell him birthday's are no big deal - yet you expect something from him...he tells you birthday's are important to me - and you say he is expecting too much - he's an overgrown college boy...

Anniversary's are important too.

You two need to take a step back and re-align your priorities in my opinion or you won't be celebrating any more anniversaries. You guys MUST learn how to communicate with each other - and right now - it doesn't seem like that is happening....

You BOTH need to sit down and state your expectations, wants and desires and see where there is compromise...instead of keeping score and blaming...this is a marriage - a partnership - not a one way street.

he wants to go out drinking? Fine - schedule a party with the people whom you don't like and arrange a party van - so no one is driving drunk - and have him go!!! This gives him his celebration and you don't have to be around his "stupid buddies"....

It sounds like you don't respect him...it sounds as if you are harboring a LOT of animosity towards him...girl - you've only been married five years and you are VERY angry...when this explodes, it won't be pretty...so instead of exploding - learn how to communicate with each other and set expectations and boundaries...there must be compromise...

Good luck!!!

I feel that everyone should celebrate their birthday in a big way. It is the only day of the year you get to celebrate**you**. Birthday's should always be about the person celebrating. If he has a hobby get him a gift certificate or thingy for his hobby. If he likes golf get him a new club, or monogramed golf balls, or whatever. If he likes to fish get him some new tackle. Get him a big cake and the candles whatever he likes.
As far as your birthday goes men are dense when it comes to giving gifts. Unless you take him to a store and put an item in his hand and say this is what I want for my birthday, he's clueless. The other thing you can do is go on line and shop when you find a few things you like and want send him the links to the page or pages, then in the subject line put *ideas for my birthday gift*. Be specific--if you send him a link for a pair of shoes you will need to tell him what size and color, same with any other clothing item.

I firmly believe that kitchen appliances such as mixers, food processers ect should not be birthday or Christmas gifts, unless they are part of a real hobby.

As far as the anniversary goes, yes it's time or a couples get away. But you need to be able to discuss this and agree on what you will do. You may want to go to a resort with a spa so you can get massages for 2, and he may want to go to a resort with a 24 hour golf course or casino.

Call his mom and ask what sort of tradition they did on birthdays growing up and try that. ie: when we were little, we got to pick our meals: suggariest cereal we wanted for breakfast, whatever we wanted for lunch and dinner. So see if there's some fun tradition.

Remind him about the anniversary. Guys need the reminder. Ask him "So our anniversary is before you bday. What do you want to do for our anniversary? I was thinking ....... would be fun."

You are right, after 18, the big birthdays iMO are 21, 40, 50, 60.... and so on. I dunno maybe I'm wrong. But I've never had a big party since my 21st bday. And I'm now 31.

Not all guys want to be spontaneous and make reservations for a get-away, etc. My guy (of 4 years marriage) is so frugal, we don't do anything fun EVER. I'm sure your guy loves you, he just doesn't have that knowledge or know-how to show you. (join the club. my guy's the same).

You might not think birthdays should be a big deal but it really is your day to celebrate. On my husbands, mine, and the kids we usually all get to tell what we would like to do for our birthdays. Such as my husbands last birthday he wanted to go bowling with me and the boys, then we went out for a nice dinner. You don't have to do anything expensive but make it a nice special day for one another. Just have fun and enjoy the day. As for Anniversarys, it definitely is a day to celebrate the day you got married. If you don't do a weekend getaway, just spend the day with one another company. My husband would never forget either a birthday, anniversary,holiday whatever it may be. He definitely would try to surprise if at all possible but if not we both would decide what to do to enjoy the day with one another. I would recommend you talking to your husband and telling him your concerns and worries and he can express his. Then you need to come to an understanding of what you guys both want. Good luck to you.

I like making a big deal about birthdays, my hubby doesnt. I've learned to not let him get me down on my day...so we do what I want, and if he is around and involved, great. If not, then he can sleep on the couch :). I'd make sure to do something for his birthday, but a bigger deal of the anniversary.

I ALWAYS do something for my DH to feel special on his day! If he wants to do something like go fishing or hang with friends I let him! If we don't have a lot of money to spend I handmake something from our kids for him and promise to make up for it later ;) . Sex is usually never refused so worse comes to worse I make our escapade just for his needs lol! If he has been wanting something and we can afford it I get it! IT IS a special day!

You have said two different things in your post...you think adult birthdays are no big deal and yet you are upset that he isn't doing anything special for yours!! He lets you know he will be hurt by ignoring his day nd yet you make it seem like he is aware that you think adult birthdays are pointless? You can't have it both ways!

Anniversaries are important also. Did he plan your wedding? If not why would you think he would be excited to book something for an anniversary? LOL! I am the planner here so I get info on what he would like to do for our anniversary or vacations and I take care of it all! That way I know it is done right lol! I am also the appt maker! I don't complain as like I said I just want to know that it is all done right lol!

Does you DH know how you feel about all this? Try telling him! He is TELLING YOU how he feels about his birthday! Do not shoot it down like it isn't important. If it is to him it should be to you too!

My DH doesn't have to like my friends or me like his but we would NEVER dream about discluding them or not allowing them to hang out with us over it. Always reverse things and think about how they would make you feel. If it would hurt you for DH to do these things to you KNOW they will probably do the same to him.

Birthdays are a funny thing. Just like you, as an adult I think birthdays are not really a big deal. I appreciate a card, and we'll usually have a nice dinner, but that's it - same for hubby. Others, however, think b-days are extremely important and require phone calls, parties, cards, gifts, etc. Your hubby is the later. So since it's important to him, let him celebrate and celebrate with him, or tell him to have a special night out with the guys (it's only once a year). Since you don't feel the same about your bday let it go.

On the other hand, (I feel the same as you), you feel your anniversery especially at 5 years is a big event and you want to celebrate it. Make sure hubby knows this, tell him your thoughts and ideas. As to who makes the reservations, it our family it's me because I'm the designated person for trip planning, but does that part really matter?

Okay, I get what you're saying...he doesn't seem to think your anniversary is important. Do most men think celebrating an anniversary needs more than just dinner out? I don't even think an anniversary needs that. We usually call a grandparent to babysit and go out to dinner and enjoy each other's company.
As for birthdays...in my opinion it doesn't matter what your age, but birthdays are super important and should be made a big deal of. It's a lot better than the alternative don't you think?! ;) I would like for my birthday to be celebrated for the whole month, but I'm happy with a week or two generally. Give him a big birthday, show him that you have been listening and love him enough to do that, then make the plans you want for your anniversary and tell him when and where...kind of like the wedding! LOL! As for paying...you said that you have to pay, but aren't you married? Isn't it all the same money? Then when your birthday comes around, tell him exactly - include all necessary details, write it down if need be - what you want and remind him how much he enjoyed the party, or whatever, you did for his birthday.
Good luck and enjoy! :)