Why Is My 3 1/2 Year Old Hitting at School???

He is probably angry or frustrated and doesn't have the words to express it or much impulse control yet. Little kids are still learning words and how to use them--when they are overwhelmed by their feelings they can't always verbalize it (boys especially aren't good talking about feelings). My son did a lot of hitting at that age and the first 6 months of preschool was rough (he also had a new sibling). It helps to verbalize for him "I see you are angry you can't do ___" then explain after time out that everyone gets angry but hitting is not an acceptable way to show it. Then give him things he can do (hit a pillow, stomp, etc). With my kid (one of the most aggressive in his preschool class) he did get over it and by 4.5 had way better social skills.

It's all part of the learning process. He's learning how to socialize, how to take turns, how to live with disappointment when he doesn't get his way. Obviously you want to do whatever you can to help him grow out of it, but please take comfort in knowing that what he is going through is completely normal, developmentally speaking.

My son went through a biting phase. He didn't do it at school (thankfully!). He just bit his cousins, instead. We just kept working with him and working with him. We used a lot of positive reinforcement and told him disappointed we were when he bit someone.

Hang in there and keep working with him. He'll learn. It just might take time.

He is hitting because he lacks the skills to express whatever it is in an acceptable way. Many times that is big feelings - it may help to practice expressing anger, sadness, frustration with him. That may mean giving him words, it may also mean giving him an appropriate physical outlet. My son's daycare taught them that when they were mad they could stomp their feet 5 times, they could walk away until they felt better or (if outside) they could walk away and yell. If he is hitting when he doesn't get his way - you need to help him figure out a better way to negotiate and 'get his way'. That doesn't mean, he will always get exactly what he wants. It means that he learns to negotiate a good compromise. That might mean he can do X later, he can have the toy when someone else is done playing with it, he can learn to do something else now and play with it later. Discussing words is good - but not nearly as good as role playing and practicing the words. Of course he shouldn't hit. But it will go away when he has better tools.

I just want to say that even though you only have 2 responses, they are great, supportive women! My son is only 2 and is definitely in a hitting phase as well. He hits everyone, but mostly targets little girls...awesome. Anyway, I'm used to getting the evil eyes and rude comments as I am "that mom" at the playground, but I appreciate those supportive moms out there who know that I'm obviously trying to work on it!

I think you got some good advice and this is a really frustrating place to be in for both of you (trust me I get it!;) but since he's almost 4 I do agree that he might benefit from role playing or maybe even drawing pictures, if he's into drawing. Hang in there, which I know is easier said than done!

I agree with others who think that he's frustrated and can't get words out so he hits. You might read HOW TO TALK SO KIDS WILL LISTEN AND LISTEN SO KIDS WILL TALK, by Adele Faber. It's about listening to the emotions behind the actions, and responding to those. ("I know you were frustrated when sister knocked your blocks over, but it's not okay to hit her.") Sometimes you need to throw out possible emotions ("Sometimes people get really mad when someone pushes them and they want to push back.") and see what response you get. I found that when I "hit the nail on the head", I could tell by my child's response.
And remember that he needs to know you love him all the time.

I just recently posted a post about my recent 4 yr old all of a sudden acting out. I got some really good responses, and they all reassured me it was 'normal' and to remain consistent.

Now granted my little guy had some changes, me expecting my 3rd, and I had him on some allergy medications (that I just stopped and have a seen a 180' in his attitude). But I swear he reverted back to acting like a 2yr old--one of those terrible 2's too (and we never had a terrible 2 phase with him). Last week he even hit and spit on another classmate, I was appalled. Not okay in our house either.

I've remained consistent and am continually helping him use his words instead of whining and screaming "NOOOO' and hitting, and in the last week I have seen lots of improvement, which is reassuring. I'm hoping we're winding down on our phase, sounds like yours is just picking up.

Feel free to check out my recent post and see if any helps you out too!

Wishing you the best!

IMO, at age 3, a child does not realize that they are capable of actually hurting someone. You need to make sure he understands that when he hits or pinches or whatever, he is hurting someone and then you have to teach him empathy - put himself in the shoes of the person he's hurting. I personally believe that you cannot reason with a 3 year old. They have to simply be taught that certain behaviors are unacceptable - then later on if necessary you can explain the reasoning behind something, but at this age, he simply needs to understand that he is hurting people and that that is not acceptable.

As others have said, this is typical at his age as he lacks the skills to verbalize what's frustrating to him. Asking him why he's hitting is useless. He can't explain why. And it also puts pressure on him to find an answer, which he doens't have which cna lead ot lying. Continue talking about it, validate his feelings when you see he's angry or frustrtated & give him the words to express his feelings. On the occassions he does express himself instead of hitting, praise him heavily & make sure his teachers do as well. Fidnd age appropriate books about being a good friend. I recall a book, 'Hands Are Not For Hitting,' that might help you guys. Keep up the positive praise for all appropriate interactions & he'll get the picture. Good luck!