Where Do You Cross the Line with Friends' Parenting?

What I would do if I were you is sit each one of them down individually and tell them your concerns. Don't come at them like they are being bad mothers but like you are concerned about their well being. Just tell them that you know they are going through a very hard time (which they are, I've been there) and you know they need to be selfish get themselves back and deal with their divorce but you think that they need to find a different way to do b/c you think it might affecting the kids. It might be hard for them to hear and if they get defensive, back off and just let them know you are there for them if they need you but if they continue to be self-destructive and do things that aren't good for them or their kids you think it may be best if you weren't friends for awhile b/c you can't handle being worried about not only your own family but theirs as well. I hope this has helped as little. Good luck!

IF these kids are being left alone at night you need to take steps to see that this stop even if you have to call the cops on them for the good of the kids. Are these two woman lonely and need to be told about parents without partners where they can net nice man who will understand they problems. I agree with your hubby that if they problems started to harm your family in anyway you have to cut them loses.

Well there is only so much you can do. You are not thier mother and trust me just beacause the kids are gorowing up with not a whole lot of stability doesnt mean they will turn out wrong. I was rasied by an alchoholic mom but honestly I am a fantastic well rounded person. I am sure I harbor bad feelings towards tha tpart of my mom but I know in my heart she did the best she could with that disease and she taught me all the right things I needed to succed in life. I now make much different choices with my own children ofcourse but I can only hope they learn the same things I did but in a different manner. Just try to continue being htere for them but not so it affects your own family. Good luck it is hard to watch your freinds go downt he tubes. I have also had a freind who still parited when she had her son but she has grown out of it for the most part these ladies will too.

K.,
it is of my opinion that all you can really do is try to be a good example to your friends children. Show them attention when you can a trip to the park a movie etc.... These women are hurting and acting out in ways that seem wrong to you and are not condusive to good parenting.it is hard to see friends that you have had for a long time make bad choices and change values so drasticly.they cry on your shoulder because they value your opinion and thats a good thing. Prayer will help above all else and being a good role model.

A true friend will speak the truth in love. You could start by saying, "I thought you were crying about wanting to do better." Ask them how you can help them do so (but beward of developing a co-dependent relationship). Tell them that you are concerned about them, as well as their children, and that you just don't want them to have regrets later. If they become abusive or neglectful, you may have to have DHS step in (sad to say, but sometimes that is the only wake up call). As long as the kids are safe with other people, I would not call DHS, but would keep trying to talk to them. If they refuse to listen, then you need to back off like your husband has said. When they ask you why, just tell them that you were too sad to watch what they were doing to their lives and their children's lives because you dearly love them.

All you can do is gently remind them that they have little ones who depend on them for support in these troubled family times. Maybe suggest they go to some kind of family counseling with the kids. If they get angry it's not your fault. They just don't know how to handle the situations they are in. You have your priorities straight. Hopefully your good example will help them along on their individual roads to healing. You can't worry yourself too much about their lives. Pray they will find the right way and let it go. If this means you spend less time with your friends until they figure out what is going on, then so be it. I know it's hard, but you have your own family to take care of. Good luck and I hope your friends do better in their respective situations.
J.

Oh my darling..I know just how you feel as I go through the same thing with my older sister. It was bad enough that she was always at the bar, but then she started working there. She has two daughters at home, one is 10 going on 20 something and the other just turned 9. Even though my sister is family, it's just as hard to talk to her about her "bad habits" and leaving the kids here and there while she "sows her oats" so to speak. Talking to her is like walking on egg shells, especially when it comes to putting a mirror in her face about the way she treats her kids. But thats just what you have to do in situations like these. I always try to keep the confrontations gentle by starting out with a simple "get together" for lunch or something like that. Set the mood so to speak. Your friends sound like they just need a reminder about who is important in their lives and who comes first or SHOULD come first (speaking of the kids). What they do with thier children or in some cases, DON'T do with their children will have an effect on those kids for the rest of their lives one way or another. It is a proven fact that 90% of your adulthood is spent over-coming your childhood, because NOBODY has an all candy coated childhood. We all have obsticles of some sort to overcome. If you can find some way to gently bring their kids' welfare to their attention, that could be the wake up call that they need. But all in all, while you are doing this, they must know that IT IS NOT up to you to "help them change". They have to change themselves. All you can do is support them, but that doesn't mean you have to make up for what they are or aren't doing with their kids if that makes any sense. They have to do that, find a happy medium between adult time and spending time with their kids. It's not fair to you for them to put their responsibilities or irresponsibilities on you. And it's not fair to their kids either. I hope what I am saying doesn't sound to harsh I don't mean it to be, but sometimes that's just the way it has to be. No amount of alcohol or a piece of booty is worth the welfare of a person's children when they can't see their priorities clearly. I hope this helps you or atleast gives you some kind of piece of mind to share with your friends. Trust your instincts. No, you should not neccesarily "cut them off", but sometimes when you can't catch them when they fall you have to just let them fall. In that case, you can try to do something to distract the kids by taking them on play dates with your own kids, but this only contradicts everything i just said. Eventually the parents will have to grow up and take responsibility for their own actions and the effects their actions had or are having on their kids. Again, I hope this helps. Let me know how things work out. My thoughts are with ya'll and most importantly, with the kids.

T. B

Good Morning - that's quite a sticky situation for you - feeling caught in the middle. I guess the best thing for you is to let them know you are there for them. As for the children? When they are with you, you have every right to expect them to behave properly. They are in your home after all. If you feel they are in a dangerous situation, physically or otherwise, you can call DCS (or whatever you have in your hometown for welfare of children); the calls are anonymous, and you would be doing both the children and the mothers a favor. It's a shame that your friends marital situation seem to have turned them into someone they probably are not, I suspect they have very low esteem right now and and are trying yo prove to themselves that they are attractive and worthy. Perhaps you could speak to them in a caring manner and talk to them both about how to make positive changes in their lives by becoming independent - going to school, etc. I remember after my divorce how low I felt, and although I didn't hit bars or bring strange men home, I went a bit wild (and my children were grown). I'm not proud of everything I did, so I can truly emphasize with your friends. My church and my friends kept me sane and although I may not have appreciated immediately what they said, I did later :-) Good luck, please let us know how it goes. They are all in my prayers as are you.

I don't know if this will help but I have always been straight forward with my friends and told them just what I though. I always tell them no matter their decision I will always be there friend but i will tell you I told you so when the time comes. Try to put them in the childs shoes when they are crying on your shoulder, and remind them that they are the only parent those babies have eventually if they are any kind of a good mother it will sink in. I being a divorced mother of two my youngest was 5 months old when her father left and he has nothing hardly to do with them and she will be 5 in December, Im all they have and fortunately for them I am like you they are the most important people in my life, I don't have much of a social life but I tell myself that if I were meant to have a relationship that it would happen no matter what and I certainly did not need to waste my time on the kind of men that hung out at bars and such. Good luck, and remember if they are true friends they will always be true friends no matter what and honesty will carry your friendship a long way. It has mine

WOW! Part of me feels like you need to be straight forward with them. If you are close to them, you may have an impact. On the other hand, I would hate for them to shut you out. I can understand your worry for the kids. They need their mommies. I would give it more time to think if you are not sure what to do, but not too long. I wonder if they even realize what they are doing and how it is affecting their kids.

Pray, pray, pray, pray, pray.
And then don't put a time limit on God ; )
He can do all that is His will to do.

Blessings,
H.

your two friends are what it seems going through depression issues. due to certain changes with dads not being there anymore. it is difficult being a singal. and more then likely they are at ends rope with things and not knowing which way to turn. but drinking makes things even worse then what they already are. my suggestion is; (tell them you understand they are going through hard times right now. but them drinking is thier choice but rather they know it or not, it makes issues worse then they already are. and thier kids need them that this is a good time to build a bond with thier kids. that you are there for them but they need to think about counceling and maybe some parent classes. also explaine to them; how they would truly feel if when thier child gets a little older and they start drinking or doing drugs and getting into trouble with the law cause of it). meaning try some reverse socaligy. but be pleasant about it. if they try to argue, then change the subject and let it go. let them lead thier own road and stay your distance til they choose to change thier life in a decent mannor. hope things work out. cc.

This is a difficult situation! However friends talk to friends in truth. The best advice I can give you is to start the conversation with positive and then get into the issue with love and calmness. You can lead off with things like -- I know that your children are so very important to you, or give examples of when she is a good mom. Then talk about the danger of what is happening. For one thing, she could contract a SID and not be there for her child in later years, her child could bond with others in a stronger way than with her...the list goes on and on.

As far as them cutting you off like they have done others...well, that is a possiblility. However I think the truth is more important.

K., I don't know if you are a practicing Christian or not. If you are, pray for your friends. Taking them before the Lord is the best thing you can do for them both. It sounds as though they are hurting, and hurting adults often react in irresponsible ways. The Lord will show you the best approach to take with them. Pray for their children and if possible find ways to include them in some of your family activities. They haven't stopped being your children's friends just because their parents have problems. Pray, pray, pray, and may the Lord bless you.

Pray. Pray for your girlfriends to find the wisdom and courage to parent their precious children they brought into this world. Pray for their children to be children and come through this situation healthy, happy, and whole. You'll know what to say, K.! I have found that oftentimes the very best thing I can do for someone, particularly a situation where I feel helpless, is remember them in prayer. It's powerful!
K., your friends are very blessed to have you in their lives!

Unfortunately, welcome to "normal" life. It really sucks, especially for the kids. I had some "friends" like that too. But in dealing with breast cancer, I just didnt have the energy to deal with emotionally draining drama queens as well. One of them (who actually tried to buy my pain meds off me when I went thru my mastectomy surgery, a terrible addict) has since found a new guy that seems to have stabilized her - she's bipolar too. The other is pretty much helpless - I wound up snapping at one point and telling her that she's killing herself and taking her daughter with her, and that it was a really selfish thing to do. We dont talk anymore, but she knows I'm right, and her girl comes over to play with my girls most days. So all I can offer is a couple hours of normal kid-life, and hope that mom'll get over it someday (her hub died of cancer, and she hasn't sought (refuses) the help she needs to get past it). What should you do? #1 DO NOT LET IT AFFECT YOUR OWN MARRIAGE!!! If it adds stress to your family life, cut the line completely. #2 Deal with each case individually. Guage your responces to the person. Offer to assist them in getting therapy, but dont let them lean on you or use you, "I'll watch the kids while you go to counseling, but not clubbing". And sometimes, friends just need a good verbal slap in the face to wake em up to what they're doing. This is their way of not coping with the situation. They need to get thru it, get over it, and get on with their life. If not, the kids will wind up resenting them.

Sounds like these two "women" need to grow up and face facts...they have kids and they need to make sure THEY are taken care of before they go out looking for another man.

When my son was very small I took him everywhere with me...and I mean everywhere. My mom was there to babysit if I wanted her to but he was my responsibility and I made sure he was put first.

Sounds to me like they are going to do what they want regardless of your input so you have a choice...you can either tell them what you think and risk their wrath or you can just try to be there for their kids.

BTW, if they get mad when you offer advice AFTER THEY HAVE ASKED FOR IT then they really aren't your friends at all.

K.,
You are doing all you can for these women. You cannot make their choices for them. You cannot live their lives for them. Yes, they definitely need help, but you are not equipped to deliver it, further more if you are not careful, these two problem friends may end up affecting you and YOUR family negatively. These women need to go into counselling to get their lives structured again. I understand your concern for their children and you might try keeping lines open with them as a mentor who will listen to them. You don't have to "cut off" your friends but you do need to distance yourself from them to force their hand at wanting help. It's called "tough love". Tell them you'll be there for them as they heal but THEY have to initiate the process Good luck and God bless.
A.