When to Move?

Hi C.! I moved across state lines a few times as a child - mostly during the summertime, but once in the middle of the year.

I would be more concerned with how his studies are going to match up than meeting friends. If your husband must move regardless of when the two of you move, then you will know what school district he is going to be enrolling in. I suggest calling the principals of both his current and future school and finding out a little about the curriculum before making your decision.

The reason I say this is because the one time I moved mid-year, I was drastically put off course when my classwork did not match up --- I felt constantly behind the other students when I was used to being one of the more gifted ones in my previous class. It is hard to make friends under those circumstances - when you don't feel you are making a good first impression --- and remember how quickly kids can turn cruel if you don't know something in class and also remember how quickly kids categorize each other.

Also because of the "group" issue, he may have a difficult time making good friends mid-year because kids at that age have already broken off into best friend pairs and cliques during the year and your step-son may get stuck having to hang around the few other kids left out by that process. I remember hanging around the one other "new kid" and a foreign exchange student who were both nice enough, but we had nothing in common really... The next year though, started fresh and as buddies and cliques reassembled, I was able to find a group of kids I really liked.

So, I guess based on my experience I would wait until summer. Usually during the summer, I would find other kids in the neighborhood to play with regardless of what was going on at school especially at age 12.

If the curriculums match up for an easy transition, it may be a different story. That just hasn't been my case - School curriculums can vary so much state to state. Even the distribution of students and grades may be different. Across the country, some 12 year olds are in gradeschool, some in middle school, some in junior high, some smaller schools stick them right in with the high schoolers... so this may be a volatile time of change for him and his classmates anyways -- I wouldn't want to rush him if you don't have to.

Take care, good luck, and Bon Voyage! Sounds like exciting times all around --- Congratulations!

If your decision is being based solely on your stepson, then ask him how he feels about moving. Since he has no friends he might want to go ahead and move to a new school.

Ah, I just typed a whole response and lost it with my connection... All in all, I say best time is May-July, but ask his teacher when testing and important work is done, so he doesn't miss anything important even is he's moving. I teach third graders, so I see kids come and go often. Best to keep the family together, since the father is his role model too. Also call the new school/town and find out about summer programs to help him meet other kids in his age range at the new school. Good luck!

I just moved recently with my 5 boys, we moved over the summer and although the move was in the same state we're 6 hours away and a lifetime...we moved from long island to upstate farmcountry...over all the boys have adjusted fine..it has taken my older son longer to adjust...he was very happy at his old school and it has taken him longer to find friends here(given he's 9and1/2...but the friends he had there he had since preschool or kindergarden-the same for the children here). It will take time no matter when you go and as far as academics we started at a new school in the same state and my kids had never seen the math theses kids were doing...it took a little adjustment but they caught on...I really don't thing when you go is as important as how you go...together...and with everyone on the same page(even his mom)...have visits already scheduled for when he can come home/back...and visits planned with the school and if possible with other parents either through the school or a local church...whatever activies he likes find out about them and get him signed up...then sit back and relax...everyone matures and handles things differently and I would guess that the tween years are some of the hardest socially...don't pressure him to find friends...it takes time, he will..just be aware of where he is and what he's doing and he will find his niche...the hardest part of being a parent is remembering we can't bear all the burdens for our children, they have to fall and struggle sometimes in order to grow and we are there to listen and pick them up and encourage them to endure...children are resilient and he will probably surprise you...good luck!

Hi C.,

I don't have any experience with this, but thought I'd offer my opinion.

It would seem that since you stepson is still adjusting to his current school, adjusting to a new school at this point wouldn't be a big leap for him.

Secondly, I believe keeping the family together (rather then hubby moving without you) is extremely important. Remember, not only is your stepson adjusting to a different school, he's also adjusting to a new home.

Hi C.
Congrats on taking in your son. Good job.
I guess at 12 I would ask does he know that you are thinking of moving and why bother making friends where he is now? When you say that moving will be a good change for "us", is that including your son. If the move is going to be good then it is good. Move!!! Using the current school as a stepping stone to get where he was going--- the new school.
Definitely I recommend moving before the end of the school year because you know what is going on at the new home for summer programs -- baseball, soccer, library, chess club. Notices are sent through the schools, the rest of us have to really be forthright in asking and getting that information. The kids will also recognize him when he gets there. I am thinking if he doesn't have friends where you are and he is not settled in why bother causing him to settle in.
Sounds as if he has adjusted to your house and that was all the adjusting he could do for now. My vote keep the family together as that adjustment is being made. Maybe with the next move he can settle into school. It takes time to adjust especially at 12. Think about all the changes you had at 12ish. Yikes, I would not want to go back there for anything, but it sure helps if you know you are going to stay.
God bless you with wise decisions
K. SAHM married 38 years-- adult children 37 coach, 32 lawyer married with 5 mo, and 18yo twins in college after homeschooling.

I tend to think if your husband can land a job for more money in another state, you should make the move...

I also tend to think the best time for the child to move is at the end of the school year. In terms of making friends for the summer in a new location, you can always sign him up for local activities or at the local "Y" with children in his age group to make friendships. But if the new job comes up first and your husband really wants the job, then the move will probably have to made before the school year is over.

How does his Mother feel about her son moving to another state? How does the boy feel about moving to another state and being far from his Mom? I tend to think you and your husband need to talk to both of them about this before you take the boy out of state. Know if the boy and his Mom are against it, the boy needs to understand he will have to move back with his mother or you and his Dad need to stay put if you want the boy to continue living with you. This should all be decided before your husband takes on a new job.

What are the legal visitation rights between his Mom and Dad? Taking the boy out of state can be against the law so if it's ok with the boy and Mom, I would want it in writing signed by the Mom that she's allowing the her son to move with his Dad to another state and have it noterized and witnessed. I would have this done no matter how well everyone is getting along. It's always best to protect yourselves so there are no huge legal problems down the road.....

In terms of the boy. Children of all ages become effected by their parents problems, separations and devorces. When one parent leaves the family unity, children feel it as abandonment and most of the time they blame themselves for their parents not getting along and one moving out of the family unity. This child went though so much with his Mom and Dad divorcing. It seems to me if the boy isn't getting along with his Mom to the point of him wanting to move in with you and his Dad...and hasn't made friendships in school, he still has many inner issues yet to be properly delt with. If this boy isn't already in therapy, my suggestion is to get this boy into therapy soon.

If and when everything is decided and after your husband is excepted at this new job...make contact with a real estate agency nearest the job location as they can be helpful and can educate you on the different neighborhoods, what is available and about the schools. Set up appointments with them and take a trip with your husband to find a place to live. If the boy is going to move with you, be sure to also check out the school system while you are there. You don't want it to far from where you live and you want to make sure the boy will get a good education. I also tend to think the boy should stay in school and if possible stay with his Mom while you are away to find a place to live.