Should We Change Schools?

I hope you don't think she will not socialize at all if you homeschool, in fact she may meet more kids like herself and blossom.

I never thought of school (private or public) as a place for kids to socialize, but as a place to learn. At least that's how is should be.

How does she do with dance and soccer? Does she have friends there? I don't really think its the size of the class but more the attitude of the children there and that can happen at any school.

Why not look into different options like a charter school and/or find and meet with some people in homeschooling groups near you. This way you can see what a homeschool group is like.

My daughter spent the first two years in a small private school (7 kids in class) and did well, and also does well homeschooling. I know she prefers homeschooling since it is more relaxed. My daughter has never had a homeschool kid not include her or other kids so the thought process and acceptance works a little differently (no cliques).

11 kids in a class is very tough even for the most skilled socially. I do agree that finding a better environment would be ideal.

Are there any local charter schools?

Could you do a district transfer to a public school that is ranked higher academically?

How did she do with social skills at the public school she attended before? That should give you a clue as to what's going on. IMHO, the kids in her class have probably been going to school together for a couple of years and have formed their friendships. IMHO, that's the problem with such small class/school sizes. Not many kids to pick friends from and with the smaller schools and class sizes, cliques form early.

Homeschooling may not make it worse as long as you get hooked in with some other homeschooled kids or a co-op or something where she can meet other homeschooled kids and maybe do field trips, etc., with them. And then she also has her dance and soccer friends.

This is why I like neighborhood schools whenever possible. You tend to be in the same financial situations, you participate in the community, see each other in the shops, churches etc..

You and your children can be part of the community.

Your child needs to feel happy and comfortable to then be enthusiastic about learning. You can always add activities and educational experiences as a family.. Example. I've had a neighbor that every summer she had her boys come up with several science projects.. They would photograph and kerp notes about each project and then write a report. They then kept them in files. When science projects were due during the school year, they would pick their favorite project and do it for a second time and compare results!

Our daughter continued to read at her advanced reading level outside of school.

She joined a math club and joined the Math Pentathelon group as an after school activity in elementary snd middle school.

There is not a reason a child should be bored in school, when the parents are involved working as a partner in their child's education.. No excuses.. It can and is done all of the time.

You keep a good attitude about your child's education, but you need to first make sure your child is happy and comfortable first.

If your daughter's class only has 11 students, then this school is pretty small. Do they want to lose students? Do they care? Quite frankly, part of this is the school's fault. They offer a "boutique" education but they aren't trying very hard to help their students. With just 11 kids, this teacher should be able to help foster more of a community in her classroom.

You need to go in and have a meeting with the principal, teacher and guidance counselor. You need to tell them that if things can't improve, that you don't think she can return next year. If they want to keep her, they need to put a program in place. If they don't, then you know they don't care. You know, this is one of the things you pay for, sending her to private school. You should expect more...

Hello,

I was about to answer you and then noticed your profile says Blacksburg! We used to live there - I worked at VT.

My understanding is that most of the public elementary schools in Bburg are quite good. When we lived there, Prices Fork and Gilbert Linkous were the better elementaries - I don't know which is your assigned school.

I would suggest going to tour your local elementary as the education standards in VA are quite high and Montgomery County is one of the better counties. If nothing else, at a public school they will have a guidance counselor who could work with your daughter on social skills.

My son is in third grade and was being bullied when he started the year. We met with the guidance counselor and they put a plan in place that has worked wonders. He now has play dates at our house regularly - it is popular because I am a few blocks walk from the school and we have a backyard pool.

No need to wait until next year if you are going to public. Keep in mind that even a month is a long time for a young child.

C.

There are several things to consider here. If your daughter is academically gifted, social issues could continue to be an issue. AIG children tend to feel shunned and misunderstood primarily due to their advanced cognitive and intellectual ability. These children often know they are different from other children, and other children know this, as well. This creates a challenge for them in social situations. I urge you to read up on traits of AIG children. A lot of people think "Great! My kid is super smart and advanced. He/she will have no problems in school". But, AIG children have a whole other set of challenges that must be recongnized and addressed by both parents and the school.
I can tell you that I was an AIG kid and attended private school for a short while. I never felt like I fit in that environment. Class sizes were small and I was getting no special instruction. When I was put into public school, I thrived socially and academically, primarily because there were other kids like me AND there were programs in place specifically for AIG children. I would go to the special program twice a week and learn creative thinking skills and social skills (such as team work and public speaking) with other AIG kids. Many of those kids became my life-long friends and we went through school together in the same advanced classes.
Look into the AIG mandates in your state. I think it would be a good idea to talk to the principal and/or counselor in your school district. AIG is administered on a state-by-state basis, meaning programs and funding vary from state to state. You will have to look into what is provided in your state to know if she could truly benefit from the services.
Good luck!

We had a very similar situation with my younger son, with the added wrinkle that he's gifted AND LD.

That exclusive, expensive little private school did more to hurt his self esteem than anything else I've ever seen in his life. I regret it to this day.

We pulled out in 3rd grade and never looked back. Have been homeschooling since then. He's now a junior, dual enrolled at our community college with a 4.0. 6'5" with a black belt in karate.

I would not stay, but that's JMO.

You know, private school is not all it's cracked up to be. All 3 of my kids are advanced and in our district, they pull them from reading and math to teach them at a higher level.

For two months when my oldest was in 2nd and the middle in kindergarten (now 6th and 4th) they went to the highest rated school in the county, the one in my parents district 10 minutes north of us. They HATED it. When I say hated it, they were completely different little kids. They didn't want to play, they didn't eat a lot, they made up stories about bad things happening at school (I researched), and other things that let me know how unhappy they were. We found a way to put them back in our home school and they were immediately back to themselves.

So yes, *I* would change schools for my kid and I wouldn't be opposed to doing it now. I am a military brat though so changing mid-year was no big deal for me at all. And I did it to my kids...no point in making them suffer.

While kids do need to learn to handle things like this -- if she stays at this school, and the class sizes will be this small or not much larger year after year after year, then every year there will be new issues and cliques. Would she be with the same set of kids each year, too? If her class is the only class in her grade level, then realize that she is going to be with exactly the same set of kids next year and ever after. Even if there are other classes at their grade level, and they mix them up a bit year to year, it's still a very small class.

I also find what's really "lame" here is that the teacher is well aware of the cliques and these social dynamics yet says she "hasn't noticed anything wrong" with your child. Your daughter may be very good at covering up her upset while at school but YOU know she's unhappy every single day. Why prolong that in the name of teaching her a lesson about how to cope?

So rather than saying "Work with her and the teacher and school to improve this," I would say, move her in the fall. If she's done in June, there is no need to move right now with only a very short time left in this school year.

Homeschooling? An option of course, but doing it just because of this is not a good reason. Homeschooling will have a profound impact not just on her but on you -- are you ready to gather and invest in the curricular materials? To get out and locate other homeschoolers and homeschool co-ops in your area? She can have plenty of socialization in homeschooling but only if you seek out co-ops and other organizations of homeschoolers and other families doing it. It will be YOUR full-time job. Something to consider. The homeschoolers I know do it because of deep issues they have with their local schools, with specific curricula, or because they want to ensure their kids get a particular world view that the parents value.

I would instead go, this week, to your local elementary. Set up an appointment for you (and if possible your husband too) but without your daughter there. Tell them you're considering a move from private and want to know about whatever their advanced options are -- in some school systems it's called "gifted and talented" or "accelerated" and in ours it's "advanced academics" but see if there is a program in your school system for kids who have academic aptitude. Be aware that if there is such a program, you might end up sending her to another public school that's not your closest one, if the advanced/gifted program clusters those students together at particular schools. (That is what Fairfax County, VA does via its Advanced Academic Program "centers" at certain, but not all, public schools.).

In other words -- it's already March and the year will be over soon, so to see the local schools in action, get in there and find out all you can now about what they offer. You might find it a bit of a shock to find much, much larger class sizes, and that might be an adjustment for your child despite the fact that the tiny class she's now in has been a bad experience for her.

But I'd really get her out of this current school, most especially if there is no real prospect of her being with different kids in her class in years to come. These kids are not necessarily bullying her but the constant drip, drip, drip of feeling left out wears on a child's self-respect. Yes, she will encounter cliques and nasty comments etc. in ANY school but in a larger one she can brush it off much more readily.

One other thing -- if she doesn't already see her friends from dance and soccer outside those activities, get her some play dates with those friends so they can continue to build friendships. It's great that she has activities that are not based at school! That helps her see herself as a dancer and a soccer player and not just as the girl who's left out at school. Encourage the outside activities a lot and do have friends from those activities over, or offer to drive a dance friend home by way of the ice cream shop, or take a soccer friend out to dinner after a game, etc. You will have to be sure to get to know the parents of kids at those activities better if you don't already, but it will benefit your daughter.

The exact same reason we pulled our daughter out of parochial school. too small and too many clicks. Our daughter is gifted and while she does get bored a lot in public school, she is in the top of her class academic wise. She has a lot more girls to choose from to be friends with. If it were me, i would pull her out. It was the best decision we ever made. My DD is now very happy and has awesome friends!

I suggest that you go and talk to the principle of the public elementary school. I have a friend who trying to decide whether or not to move her 1st grader to public school next year. She believes her child is advanced, and before she moves schools, she wants to know if he will be placed in the gifted program or in any enrichment classes. So, she talked to the principle, and they agreed to do the testing now. That way, by summer she will know if he qualifies for any extra enrichment/gifted services. In her mind, this will help her decide if she wants to stick with a private school or move to the public school. You might do something similar.

i dunno. there are lots and lots of good reasons to homeschool, and changing schools isn't the end of the world. but the reasons you chose to put her in private school are still there, and from that thoughtful perspective it's working out.
if the problem is that your daughter has poor social skills, moving her isn't going to change that. homeschooling won't make it worse (unless you literally keep her home and don't seek out other homeschoolers) but it doesn't sound as if you're thinking about it from a positive place, ie homeschooling is more adaptive and individual and my child will thrive, but from a reactive place, which is rarely a good idea.
of course the situation is very difficult. smaller classrooms often have this problem. i was very much in your situation- my middle schooler was insufficiently challenged and his teachers were buried in problem kids in public school, so i put him in a private school. his issue wasn't friends, but dumbed-down academics so we finally worked our way over to homeschooling. but we did it from an academic, not social, perspective.
so if you think homeschooling would be good, do it, but with a dynamic, positive, pro-active energy (not just being willing to give it a shot but gee, probably won't help, KWIM?)
i think your most important priority is to learn your daughter so you can be pretty sure one way or the other if her social skills are actually lacking or if she's just stuck in a small group with a confirmed clique. i disagree that the school can just fix this- enforced 'friendships' are awful for everyone and won't help your daughter at all.
ideally if she's actually getting a great education and it's just the 'lame' thing, the best solution would be to work with your daughter on confidence and shielding, and walking into her classroom like she owns the school. not brazen or bully, just completely self-contained. that's a tall order for a girl her age, but wow! what a gift that would be! and it's amazing how confidence attracts.
if it's just social, public school might (or might not) fix it, but you're back with inferior academics.
if you do homeschool, i suggest you spend the next semester actively seeking out and talking with as many local homeschoolers, groups and co-ops as you can so you'll be well-prepared when you begin. not just with curricula and lesson plans (those will almost surely get switched out as you go) but with places to go and people to meet.
good luck!
khairete
S.

hello
We have had the same dilemma in part.. In my son's case, having gone to a specific school from kinder to 4th, my son was quite happy at school. After it closed, we needed to find a new one... Well we did of course, but it was and has NEVER been anything like his old school.. At the old school, he has lots of friends, at the new school it became more difficult for him to connect. There were times when I wanted to change schools, but in our case, the selection wasn't too great, therefore, I kept him in the school... he is now in 8th grade and while he did learn to connect with some of the kids, there have always been a few that just have never been friendly and still aren't... My son didn't beg us not to send him, but in his first and second year there, he did miss more days of any other time.. now in 8th, he actually enjoys going..
in your case, I would consider a few things.. one, I would keep her in because spring break is around the corner and that means a week away from those kids.. then........ it's not long until summer..
IF you truly are thinking of changing schools and have some good selections lined up, then do this... have her attend a summer session at one or more of the schools.. let her get a pulse of how the schools run and you, as a parent will also be able to see if you think it's a fit..
I know kids need to learn to socialize but sometimes, a specific school isn't a fit.. truly, if we had somewhere to send my child at that time for 5th grade, I might have done it... am I glad I didn't.. yes.. but that is only because in my son's case.. it eventually got better for him.. not all situations do... and sometimes you have to move on and I don't think there is anything wrong with that..

How old is she? I ask because if she's in middle school or in the 10-13 yr old range, she needs to be aware that changing schools may not be the magic answer, either. I started a new school in 6th grade and it was terrible for at least a year. I didn't make many friends and everyone else knew each other from the year before. I needed a couple of years to fit in.

Where I would start would be to see what programs the public school has to offer - perhaps have her tested for a TAG or gifted program or a magnet that might challenge her in some way. Express that you are concerned that she was bored prior and you want her to be in a class that is on her level. See what they come back with. Did you or your friends have that discussion with the school district before you pulled your kids?

Further, bear in mind that quantity does not equal quality. My sister has about 5 friends that she met in first grade who are tight like sisters. She didn't have a ton of friends and didn't NEED a ton of friends. If your DD had no friends, I'd be worried. If she has some friends, then maybe that's all she needs.

I went to a very small (like 100 kids in the whole school) school in elementary school. By 4th grade, our class was maybe 15 kids and getting very cliquish. If the teacher has noticed this grouping (surely it's happened before) is there anything she can do or has done to minimize the kids ostracizing one or two in the class? She can't make them hang out at lunch, but she could break up the group for projects, for example. One of the downsides of very small classes is exactly what you said - that there isn't a lot of room for many different groups. Your DD just happens not to be part of the "crowd", and from what you say that still leaves about half the class (even the girls who are BFFs could be her friends).

You said "it could be" she has poor social skills. You need to find out. You need to know if this is something that needs to be addressed or if it's just the group she is with. That needs to be known before you make any moves.

You also did not say if there is a socioeconomic status at play. In some private schools, you very much know who is on a scholarship and whose dad has a yacht and it may be that these kids are in the same strata or socialize outside of school with their parents. It makes it harder for the rest of the kids to fit in with them.

You already pay for private school, so paying for materials to homeschool wouldn't be so much different. But in my limited experience, you need to be deliberate about homeschooling and for many it is a FT job for the homeschooling parent. Friends prefer to homeschool in a co-op so that their kids have a "class" and they do field trips together. But Friend is always getting ready for the next lessons (or her lessons - sometimes each parent takes an assignment). It also took them longer to figure out that their daughter has a form of dyslexia because they did not know the signs.

There are pros and cons to each option. You need to lay them on the table and make an informed choice, not a reactive one.

Homeschooling
Is there a homeschooling community near you? If so, that's where she could find friends. If you can do this, keep her challenged, raise the bar for her, AND meet her needs for social outlets, it could be great. There are a lot of resources for homeschoolers online. All you need to find is a local community.

Should you switch schools?

I've done what you have done (taken my child out of public school and put him in private school in elementary). Unfortunately there will be drama everywhere. The little classroom will have problems and the big classroom will have them also. A whole different set of problems. (This is partly why some people choose to homeschool!)

If she is that miserable, yes, I would move her. It could iron itself out by the end of the year. (Maybe if she makes friends with kids in other grades.) If it doesn't, I guess I would move her.

In the meantime, help her cope with her situation. Invite her to brainstorm ideas of what she can do during recess to keep herself occupied.

This is about your daughter and her not being able to handle social situations. Sorry.

Work with your daughter on social skills - role play with her.

Find a therapist or counselor who can help your daughter communicate her feelings without "whining" or feeling "lame".

Would I change schools? Yes. I would talk with the teachers and the Head Master and tell them what is going on. It's their job to fix it and to make the school welcoming for all.

Yes. I would make a change. We are looking at privates and I love one but the small selection of girls for my daughter to join is worrisome. So small is great if you're part of the 5-6 but if you're not... Maybe she will have trouble elsewhere but then you will know and she will know you listened and tried. Lots of kids could have trouble fitting in that scenario.

My girls go to a fairly large public elementary and there are kids with seemingly poor social skills who have found friends. So even if your daughter does have poor social skills, that might not be all to blame. That's just tiny and what I would mention is it could get worse as they get older. I was just talking to a friend who has had her kids in a tiny school and it was great for them when they were young but both her daughters developed issues with girls who were once their best friends and there is no where to hide. And honestly it seems like these other girls' faults. But either way, it get so complicated bc there is such a small group. So I was a bit envious when they were young of this great school but now doesn't sound so good. So while your daughter is young now, eventually it could become a problem for any of these girls. I know several gifted or super smart kids who seem to make public work. Also, if your daughter has friends outside of school, it's probably not her social skills that are the issue.

Although small class size is great from an academic standpoint it really offers a small pool of people to socialize with.
Try getting her involved in after school activities so she can meet more people.
Academically it sounds like the school is working out for her.
Try finding a way to meet her social needs outside of school.
Swimming, taekwondo, archery, a craft class, a sport, Girl Scouts, etc.
If she's got friends somewhere, the cliques at school won't matter so much.
Some people do have a best friend for life but most people don't.
It's been 35 years since I graduated high school and except for my husband there's not a single other person from school I'm in contact with on a regular basis - everyone's moved on.
A bad bully situation I'd consider leaving a school for but a lack of friends (if that's the only problem) is not a good reason to switch.
Friends come and go, and while it's a 'nice to have', it's not a requirement.

Sure, try another school next year. Why not? Eleven kids in a class is pretty small. She might benefit from a bigger school where she has more friends to choose from.

I wouldn't leave her in a school where there's a clique of kids who are mean. You definitely need to make a change for next year, it sounds like.

Whether you decide to send her to another private school, to a public school, or homeschool is another question. We have done all three, and they all have their benefits and drawbacks. We currently homeschool, and I can assure you that it is actually hilarious to homeschoolers when people say things like, "But how will you socialize your kids?!" ;) The reason we find it funny is that the vast majority of homeschooled kids spend more time socializing than kids do in traditional schools. We tend to finish schoolwork in a couple of hours (remember, we don't have to move 20 kids from activity to activity, nor do we usually have any discipline issues to contend with) and can spend the rest of our time doing fun things with friends. My kids enjoy their schoolwork, and they also enjoy hanging out with friends of their own choosing, rather than with kids who just happen to be the same age and go to the same school. My younger daughter, who is 9 and does 5th grade work, prefers to hang out with kids who are in the 8-9 age range (but if she were in school, her classmates would be 10-11). My older daughter, who is 12, has friends who are mostly 14-15. She's more mature, so girls who are a bit older than she is are just a better fit for her. If my girls were in traditional school right now, they'd probably feel like fish out of water, too, because the kids in their classrooms would likely not be interested in the same things they enjoy. There's nothing wrong with their social skills - they have friends - but you can see how being incompatible with a small group of classmates doesn't mean your daughter has poor social skills, necessarily.

Anyhow, that's my two cents, for whatever it's worth!

I wouldn't home school her because social skills are very important to develop but I wouldn't leave her in a private school where she doesn't seem to fit in. Schools do have their own cultures and there's no reason to force your daughter into a setting where she doesn't flourish. Try a different school where there is a greater variety of kids she can be friends with and I'm sure she'll find her crowd. Best of luck,

I personally don't think it's a good message to send to keep changing schools/things based on her inability to cope. It tells her she can flee any situation she doesn't like as she grows up, and she never learns to deal with that social stress that will definitely exist as an adult. I certainly want to be sensitive to bullying and the impact it can have on kids - but not before you've tried to encourage her to work within the bounds of her personality.

I would suggest you teach her how to deal with these girls confidently. You know her best and know what she will respond to in that capacity. But taking her out just reinforces that she doesn't need to do make any kind of effort.

I used to homeschool. Yes, homeschooled kids easily get enough socializing if you are careful to keep them in other classes and homeschool network activities and set up social opportunities, but it's a LOT of work to homeschool, so only do that if you're prepared for your new full-time job. Research curriculums and styles so you know if her education will be BETTER than what she's getting at school. If so, win win.

I don't agree with pulling her though for this somehow. Even though it must be so hard to watch. But what if she doesn't like her new school? She probably won't since it's hard to adjust and then she'll feel like you'll pull her if she displays enough sadness...

This whole "find a way to educate kids that suits them" is such a modern phenomenon. Back in the day we all had to just go to the school we had to go to. So it's tricky to navigate for sure. I homeschooled because I knew the material in our local pubic school was not advanced enough compared to other countries. I still struggle with that and now that they are in public school I supplement a lot at home which is a lot of work. I may homeschool again in future if able.

Meanwhile, I would not change schools based on social awkwardness unless I knew other option was better for other reasons too. Kids can be awkward in homeschool groups and private schools too. I'd make my kids power through. This can't last forever I would hope. If she gets along fine in her other activities, it's likely not her. I do think the teacher should be held accountable to make sure kids don't act so exclusionary though. She needs to break up the cliques and have talks with the kids and enforce proper behavior. My kids' teachers regularly emphasize the importance of including everyone in keeping with their big huge anti-bully school campaign...

Feel for you and your daughter - that's rough, and been there.

Is it possible for your daughter to join a group with one of the group of 5-6 kids?

When we switched schools, one of my kids had a friend already in the class who knew the group - so there was a connection. Another one of my kids didn't - what helped us was to put them in an activity with a few of the group. So you mention your daughter is in soccer and dance - are any of the kids in her class in those activities?

If not, maybe try to get her into one with her classmates - sometimes kids gel more outside of school (especially if from a tight knit group). Once my child had an opportunity to get to know kids from outside the class, he was accepted in.

I'm not a fan of changing kids from school to school so I would do everything you could to help her fit in and even talk to the school as another mom mentioned.

Good luck :)

I'd like to respectfully disagree with CS about conventional school settings being necessary for the development of social skills. As long as you create opportunities for kids to get together, homeschooling does not hinder children's social development in any way. In fact, I've frequently been told how impressed folks are by the fact that my kids, who are homeschooled, are able to interact well with both adults and kids younger or older than they are. This is because they do not spend the majority of their waking hours sequestered in a room with nobody to interact with but children their own age. Also, don't you remember being told at school, "No talking. You can socialize later..."?

I wish you and your child the best whatever you decide to do.

Yes. My parents pulled me after 6th grade and though I was furious it was a great decision.

In Kindergarten and 1st grade my daughter didn't have many friends and complained all the time. However, this year she seems to be the belle of the classroom. You may need to give it some time. If the other girls have been together from the beginning then they have a hard time letting other kids in. You can find the same situation with adults. Adding new people can be hard for some especially when the friend base has already been established. If she has an issue socially then I don't see how homeschooling could be good. She will have to get out in the real world and socialize one day.

You need to determine if she was happy in public school or if there is an issue with her social skills. I would ask the teacher for help. Maybe she can assign projects that your daughter will work on with some of the other girls. Sometimes friendships can blossom that way.

It's hard when our children aren't happy and as parents we will do whatever we can to make them happy. I made my daughter stick it out and this year she is very happy. Hang in there. It may get better.

Good luck with your decision..

Tough situation.

How old is she? Ideally the teacher should be breaking up these cliques--at least in class.

I think many private schools are over rated. My niece was bullied terribly in a very expensive, private, CHRISTIAN school. I'd at least look at/talk to the public school.

She's 7, it's only going to get worse. If you keep her at home for school you'll have to decide if that's something you can do. I know there's no way that's for me. I'd be up at the school every day volunteering to help the teacher and being in that classroom seeing what's going on.

not sure her age.. but if she is a bit older and the group of 6 kids have been together for years.. she may feel like an outsider... in a small class of 11.. she may not find a buddy to buddy up with... but there is no guarantee she will find a buddy in a diferent school either... to make a friend you have to be a friend..

This is a tough call, you certainly do not want to keep changing schools whenever there is an issue however you do not want to subject her to bullying if that is what is happening.
I would take some of the suggestions and maybe talk to the principle and your daughter. Do they have a counselor there?
I guess for me it is so important for kids to learn how to deal with situations because when they grow up they will have to. (bullying aside of course, that is never acceptable)
Many blessings to you and good luck.

I changed my son's school for a host of reasons, and never looked back. It was a tough decision to make but I think it was worth it.
Homeschooling is something I don't know about. But if you are worried about social skills, that will not teach better social skills. Sounds like she is simply shy and unfortunately lucked out with this bunch. It won't be like that forever. While she may have been extremely smart in her old school, or soared it might have also helped her ego. Like the Peter Principal,, sometimes people are moved to a situation higher and it is more of a struggle. Perhaps the old school will restore her.