Hi Mamas! I've been dreading this and it is finally upon us: My son has begun telling us "NO!" when asked to do something. "Honey, it's time to come inside now." "No!" Or, "We have to pick up our toys when we are done playing with them." "No!" (He's been SOOO good about picking up until now, and he's not defiant every time). What do I do? Is this reason enough for time out? I can't simply say, "Son, we don't tell Mommy 'no!'" because there are times when I ask a question that the answer truly is "no". Of course, I'd like to say, "We don't argue," but I don't think he can understand that concept yet. What do you say and are there consequences when your toddler tells you "no!"? Help please! I'd like to start using a consistent response ASAP.
Thank you for any advice!
Watch "The Happiest Toddler on the Block" DVD by Harvey Karp. WONDERFUL strategies that work wonders. I use this at home as well as at work with four year olds....we were able to find it on Blockbuster Online.....also on Amazon if want to buy it. The book is hard to follow but seeing him model it is awesome.
Welcome to the club:) I tend to focus on telling them what they should say rather than "Dont tell mommy___". For my 2 year old..and still my 9 year old, I say things like, "When mommy says to do something we say yes ma'am." Then I ask him to repeat it, sometimes I even ask the question again and then give a chance for the correct response. There is a difference for me in defiance, in which my 2 year old will run away and refuse, versus saying no just to say it. If he continues to be ugly, then he goes in time out, but not for the first offense. I just remind him what is appropriate and allow for a second..and sometimes third chance. It seems to have worked with my other kids, but this 2 year old boy is throwing me for a loop compared to my girls, so I make no promises!! ~A.~
1. I try to phrase it as an either or question. DO you want apple juice or milk? The red or the blue?
2. I give five minute warnings and set a timer. They get a surprise (usually a HW car or a missing toy) for beatin gthe timer.
3. when it can't be avoided, or when the above doesn't work, I do one swat on the butt with a "Listen and Obey".
I don't get a lot of toddler negativity here.
Note: I updated this to give you more constructive feedback for the situations you mention.
This is a normal developmental phase and does end and really doesn't need to be addressed with timeouts or spankings. Timeouts might be appropriate if the NO leads to bad behavior - but it's the behavior that needs to be addressed and not the saying NO. And, I don't think even if he understood, the "we don't argue" is going to get your anywhere at all. If you don't think kids will argue with you, your life will be a nightmare when your son is a teen - their primary activity at that age is arguing with you. This is all part of developing their sense of self and detaching their self from mama -it's a very gradual process, with these peaks at 2-3 and then 13-16.
Asserting what will happen is appropriate when the No is in response to a command or directive - it is appropriate to tell him that you're not asking a YEs or no question you are telling him to do something. So, there really is no consistent response as it entirely depends upon the situation - if he's climbing up the outside of the stair case then you need to absolutely demand he not do that and then timeout or withholding privileges is appropriate.
And, just to give you some suggestions for your specific examples - for the first situation, it would be very helpful to give him a 5 minute warning (and longer ones as time goes by) about when it will be time to come in. You might also explain why he needs to come in at that time - it's time for dinner, you've got something in the oven and it might be burning, you need to start fixing dinner (and ask if he wants to help - he can put silverware on the table, for example, you need to make a phone call, you need to go somewhere etc. He will understand most of these and it really is respectful to tell him about something that does impact him and if it's because you need to do something and he won't have your attention while you're doing it, tell him what he can do when he comes inside. For your second one, tell him that if you have to pick up the toys, then they're Mommy's toys - put them away and only give them back if he picks up toys the next time. Also, doing the activity with him would be most helpful - so saying "Help mommy put up the toys" might be more effective. Also, this is one situation where you will have to accept that kids really don't care if their toys are all over and you might consider a different place for toys if they are in an area of the home that you want to keep neater. My older son is a slob - he could care less that you cannot see his floor in his room. I will sometimes tell him that I will step on whatever I need or that he needs to at least clear a path so I can get to his bed to wake him up in the morning. AGain, you are just at the beginning of the very long path of helping your child mature - I have learned that we parents often have to adapt our expectations and our own behaviors to get the best results. Our kids are people to and do have opinions, desires, expectations, etc.
And, this is just the beginning of you learning to pick your battles, taking deep breaths and just getting through the situation as best you can and conserve your energy (that's where picking your battles comes in) as you're going to really need it 10 years down the road. Also, redirecting bad behavior is what I found to be the most appropriate. Very active boys must be kept busy at all times or you will have problems - my 13 year old is in constant motion - he needs lots of stuff around him so he can keep busy - like crafts, legos, lots of balls, etc.
I have a 3 year old and she did that too for a short period. I just ignored it and it went away completely. It's possible it's just a phase they go through. I don't think they actually mean "No" when they are saying it. To them it's a word they can use that gets attention. When you don't give it any attention he'll stop saying it. I would say instead, "If we pick up our toys we can go to the park" or "I will play a game with you", or "we can have a snack", etc.
My pat answer for that with my now 7 year old, which I still use on occasion is "Who is in charge?". At 2 he would say "Mommy" or "you are". Then I would say "You are right! Now do what Mommy says." As he got a little older, he would start to argue and when I would ask, he would start in with "But...I don't wanna" and I would interrupt with "Who is in charge?" however many times until he would say "you are".
My daughter is totally in the middle of that right now! When they say no, they're just exerting their independence. They don't want to be controlled, they want all the power for themselves. I give choices as often as possible to give back some of that control (look for the Love and Logic parenting books), and I discipline any bad behavior associated with the no, but not the no itself.
Choices are great! If I ask my daughter if she wants carrots with lunch, and she says no, she won't eat them if I provide them. However, if I give her the option of carrots or green beans, and she gets to choose carrots, then she'll totally chow down, even though she just refused the same carrots 10 seconds earlier. Gotta hand it to those Love and Logic folks!
