My 2 1/2 year old daughter is a beautiful, sweet child. However- she has become very stubborn and defiant. Asking her to do something is a battle. Somthing as simple as picking up her toys or coming to me to get her coat on to leave is a long process. She used to be very attentive and responsive- I am sure it's apart of her age to be "all over" now- but she gets distracted from doing requests and procrastinates. My husband and I handle it two different ways. He asks repeatedly - over and over again, calmly. Then will raise his voice when she is obviously ignoring him. I, however, does not have the patience to repeat myself more then 2-3 times. I wind up raising my voice sooner and sometimes that even doesn't work and I wind up having to give her a time out. The time outs work well with her. She hates them- and gets the point. But I don't want to use it as a tool for eveything she's "not" doing. I try talking to her and explaining she needs to listen. She doesn't get it. And when I threaten a time out- she threatens me with one!!!! She has a mouth on her that is partially my fault because I am also very aggresive and I know she's mimicking me. My husband says her and I argue- which is not good any age but definitely not good at almost 3 yrs old. Any suggestions???
Thank you all for your advise. I'm glad my daughter is acting normal for her age instead of the possible "mini beast" I thought she was turning into. I will practice the patience since I really only want to use time outs for "serious offenses" I practiced it this morning when she didn't want to eat her breakfast and wanted to get down. I told her she could down after she ate her muffin. After about 100 "I can't" from her- she saw I wasn't budging and ate it. YAY!!!!
K. i have a niece who does the same thing. i have custody of her and i find that if you take something away thatshe really likes thenshe will get tired of having her favorite things taken away. also tell her that if she doesn't pick up her toys you will throw them away because she doesn't know how to take care of them. it takes time but she will learn.
Hi K.
At that age there becomes a testing of who is in control.
The more the child sees they can get away with the more they do and say. By now the asking and threatening do not appear to work, so you must be in total control and give the time out when she does not do what you are asking her to.
It is not a question of you using that as a tool for what she is not doing, it is showing that you are the parent and in control.
I always found it is important not to threaten them with the consequence but to give them the consequence to show that you mean business. Sometimes it will seem like she is always in time-out but sooner or later she will understand that you are the parents and she is the child and she will have to listen.
The longer we let these things go the harder they become.
This helped me raise my daughter as a single mom for many years, I hope it helps you.
Hi K.,
We practice breathing when we feel frustrated or angry. My stepson, husband, myself, and the children i teach. If there is a moment that we recognize as feeling sad, angry or frustrating; we take our own breaks and breath. We breath in the cool calming air (through our nose) and breath out the hot dragon breadth (through our mouth). At first, you will need to stay calm and recognize when your child feels like this and communicate that this is how she is feeling and let her know what we can do to solve the issue.
I.E."Sally, I see that you are frustrated. It makes me sad too when you get frustrated. Lets breath that frustration and sadness out of us. Breadth in the cool calming air into your nose, do you feel how cool that it? Now the hot dragon breadth out of you mouth, wow i really feel my sadness leaving my heart, do you feel that frustration going out in that dragon breadth?" Continue breathing until she is calm. Talk her through it calmly and allow her to know that she is not alone, you are there w/ her and have the same feelings inside and need to take the same breathers too.
I have used this technique in my classes for ten years and I swear by it. Sometimes, children also need a space to draw it out afterwards too. Always have crayon and paper available and offer it to them, even if it is just to scribble hard with the crayons and they break. It is a wonderful emotional vehicle.
I currently have children who will stop what they are doing sit down and breath when they fell these negative emotions. It is amazing to witness. It takes a bt of time to get there, starting with confronting and recognizing those feelings.
Here is an article on time-outs and a link to a study.
Good luck.
P.
http://www.eric.ed.gov/ERICWebPortal/custom/portlets/reco...
Timeouts can cause misbehavior
Dr Laura Markham
What’s wrong with timeouts for disciplining kids? Nothing tragic. They’re infinitely better than hitting, and yelling. But Timeouts backfire if your goal is better-behaved children.
Here's why.
1. Instead of reaffirming the relationship so that the child wants to please the parent, timeouts create a power struggle. Timeouts pit you and your authority against the child. It’s true that as long as the parent is bigger than the child, the parent wins this power struggle, but no one ever really wins in a parent-child power struggle. The child loses face and has plenty of time to sit around fantasizing revenge. (Did you really think he was resolving to be a better kid?)
2. Because you have to harden your heart to your child’s distress during the timeout, timeouts erode your empathy for your child. Yet your empathy for this struggling little person is the basis of your relationship with him, and is the most important factor in whether or not he behaves to begin with. So parents who use timeouts often find themselves on a cycle of escalating misbehavior.
3. Timeouts backfire with toddlers because two and three year olds love to experience their sense of power and agency in the world, and timeouts teach them they can get a big reaction from you, so they repeat it. Research shows that ignoring the bad behavior is generally more effective in eliminating the behavior than negative reinforcement. If the behavior can't be ignored, such as hitting, it is more effective to remove the child to his room to calm him, but to stay with him. Don't call it a time out, and don't leave him there alone. Calmly explain that if he hits, he can't be with other kids, and that he needs to calm down. Again, an emotional reaction from you will provoke a repeat offense.
Research shows that punishment is never as effective as positive discipline to encourage good behavior. But Timeouts are a terrific management technique – for yourself. When you find yourself losing it, take five. This keeps you from doing anything you’ll be sorry about later. It models wonderful self-management for your kids. And it ultimately makes your discipline more effective.
Parents who use timeouts as threats are often shocked to learn that there are families who never hit, never use timeouts, rarely yell at or threaten their children – and have well-behaved kids! But you shouldn’t need to use these methods of discipline, and if you're using them now, you'll probably be quite relieved to hear that you can wean yourself away from them.
What else can you do? Here are some basics to reduce the need for discipline:
1. A good relationship is your foundation; discipline doesn't work without that.
2. Stay two steps ahead of your kid, so you can give him ample warning before transitions, and preemptively distract.
3. Always leave extra time to get anything done, which reduces your stress level and lets you be more patient. Rushing kids stimulates resistance from them.
4. Make sure your child gets enough sleep. It’s harder to stay patient with a cranky kid.
5. Sidestep power struggles. Give her as much control over her life as possible so she doesn't need to rebel.
Finally, when all else fails -- as it often will, because we're only human -- fall back on your sense of humor. How? Don't take it personally. Turn things into a game. Distract your child with jokes and riddles. Sit down on the floor and laugh until you cry at the absurdity of the whole thing. The truth is, when you're in a good mood, and have a good relationship with your child, parenting gets a lot easier. And remember, this too shall pass.
By
Dear K.,
I am a stay at home Mom but an RN by profession. I have an 11 y.o. girl and 15 y.o. boy. The best disipline books that seemed to make the most sense to me are the following. I did not discover them until John ( my most challenging child) was 5 and I wished I had read it sooner. But never the less, they were both very helpful for any age young child.
Making the Terrible Twos Terrific by John Rosemond, publisher Andrews and McMeel
Saying No. Why it's important for You and Your Child by Asha Phillips Publisher : Faber and Faber Limited, London
I hope this helps. I, as a new Mom, was not good at saying No but I learned the hard way that the dividends of teaching limits early on are endless as the children grow older .
Y.
I have a 2 year old myself, and go through the same things. I've learned to pick my battles. I hate repeating myself. Its no use to fight over everything. What I do is let her feel like she has some control. For example, I let her pick which jacket she'd like to wear or which pair of shoes. When that fails, I ask her to build me a house with her blocks while I get her jacket on or pick out what (one thing!) she would like to take with her in the car. It distracts her and lets her feel some sense of control. I swear it works wonders. When cleaning up, I turn it into a game and ask her to find a specific color block, ect. When you feel the frustration building take a long deep breath, and tell yourself, "this too shall pass"! I also try to ignore the little things. I notice that when I react, she's thrilled with even negative attention, and gets worse. But I make sure I tell her how proud I am with the good stuff she does.
As for time outs make sure you follow through and give a warning first. Time outs work for us. We use them for serious offences, like when she throws something or hits her baby sister.
Good luck! :)
Their all like this. You have to remember she has an attention span of about 10 mins. Here's the thing with the toys. Help her and if she stops remind her that if she doesn't help clean up you will throw them away. If she doesn't follow threw, get a trash bag and throw them out or at least hide them for a few months if you really don't have the heart. Second, with my son we turn off the tv if he's not listening which is usually the cause of distraction. Make her sit on the stairs or in a chair to get her shoes and coat on. Make her listen to you. Get right in front of her at her level, face to face, and speak to her.
You are her role model. Isnt it something when they mirror. I remember my daghter after my husband baby sat going around her room saying "Where damn shoes?" when we had to go out. Practice peace and serenity. Pray before each interaction. It does help.
Dont argue with a two year old about putting on the coat. If she wont just put it on her and go. We all have to do things we dont want to and we have to be a part of a family team.
Your daughter sounds like a text book 2 year old. As for right now, I suggest calm, consistent reactions. Perhaps arrange some fun activities that won't happen unless she follows directions. Usually 2 year olds don't like to miss out on things!
As a mother of teens, I will tell you how very very glad you will be in the future if you stop the "arguing" now. You are the parents. Period. Most children go in and out of defiant phases, it is our (very difficult) job to remain consistent. Patience patience patience...she will grow out of it!!
Wow, K., you're me! Except I have a 3 year old and a 9 month old. I agree with Edna, they mimick what they see, but trying to gather that kind of patience when you're last nerve got busted three no's ago is really, really challenging! I tried throwing the toys away like Dianna suggested, but Karissa ended up having a fit when I forgot to throw away one of the toys! She calmed down when every last toy was in the garbage! The only thing I find that works is to walk away, calm myself down, and remind myself that she's not an adult purposefully trying to drive me insane but rather a little caveman type child who can only communicate at that level. When I simplify things and don't complicate things with my own frustration, she seems to calm down and she seems a little easier to deal with. At least you know you're not alone in this, we all have to plow through this age. Hopefully, all the work will pay off down the road!
