What Am I Doing Wrong? - Brandon,FL

Getting her involved in activities/sports is a good thing at this age. You mentioned gymnastics, if that's something she really wants to do then let her do it...but you also mentioned that money was tight and gymnastics lessons are almost always on the more expensive side.

I'd look into something the school offers, that would get her directly involved with kids at her school in addition to gymnastics. What does she like to do? It also doesn't have to be sports, although I think they're great because of the exercise/team piece. Talk to her school Guidance Counselor who will probably be able to give you several suggestions on school clubs. School clubs are also often run by teachers who know how to work with kids, which is a plus.

I don't know. But I don't think you're necessarily doing anything wrong. Don't blame the fact that you're working. At 11 they need to be somewhat independent and having mom hovering around might not help things-especially not your relationship. She might need to make and learn from her own mistakes (as long as you keep her safe, of course). I like the sports idea. My parents forced me onto teams at that age and I hated it at first and then loved it. Coaches can also be good role models. Maybe you can find something noncompetitive since for you it's about the exercise and friendships, right?

Sorry you are dealing with this. Everyone says that starting in the tween years (and even earlier?) that girls especially go through all this drama and cattiness, etc. I can't say. My daughter is 11, in 6th grade, and seems to have a lot of friends and no drama. I am waiting for the bottom to fall out from under us....

ETA:
You know, I do think that having outside interests helps, though. My daughter has been involved with things outside of school since forever... church when she was little. Piano starting in 2nd grade. Then she did extracurricular stuff at school (Reading Bowl, news crew, etc). She also was in a TAG pull-out program, so went to a different school for an entire day, one day per week, so she had friends there, separate from her base school friends. Then around age 9 she started karate as well. Still plays piano at church, and does karate now, but has added volleyball and band. So she has a wide variety of friends from a wide variety of activities and age groups. It helps keep her grounded, and too busy to worry about the nonsense drama I think.

Preteen girls are high drama and can be very mean. The adults need to guide their kids and inform each other if something serious or dangerous is happening. If it's just pesky preteen drama stuff, let the girls work it out themselves. They're at an age when they are changing rapidly and growing up at different rates -- hormones and all -- and also at an age when they will outgrow friend. My niece lost her BFF at 11, and suddenly at 13 they've become BFF's again. Try to help her avoid the drama, to be kind and respectful of others. Other than that, she's going to have to navigate a lot of it on her own. This is a time for the mom's to remember that they're mom's, not daughter's BFF's...stay above the drama. Even if you were not working tonight, you can't be with your daughter 24/7, and she's getting to an age where she isn't going to want to tell you every single thing that happens. Don't feel guilty about working to provide for your family.

Twice in your post you mention activities outside school:

"I try to encourage her to play sports or take art lessons, etc. She needs a hobby I think.

I'm hoping I can get my girls involved in activities of some kind and move on to better days."

So it sounds like your girls are not really involved in anything but school and their friends, which is a recipe for drama at this age. You're right: Keep them busy and they have less time for drama. Your older girl can't be on the phone making comments that end with parents calling YOU if she is very busy. By age 11 she should have plenty of homework to do; if she doesn't, get with the teachers to ask why. And yes, help her find some activities outside school that really interest her -- it does not have to be a sport because by age 11 many kids have played competitive sports for years and those avenues are kind of closed to newcomers, but get HER involved iin choosiing something. If she likes art, find art classes; dance, find dance classes; or more unusual sports like archery or fencing or whatever! Cultivate friends for her in those places.

It is typical at 11 to have friend drama. Don't push her too hard to get along with everyone, all the time, or to maintain friendships that are drifting away from her, even if the friend has ben a "lifelong BFF" -- that doesn't matter much at this age, sometimes. Be active in knowing other girls in her class (and her new activities) and ask her which of those girls she wants to have come over to your house. Or take her and some newer girl she knows out for ice cream, or whatever.

But do keep her busy and let her find things she likes to do. She will develop friendships based on a shared interest in a common activity, and that is much better than friendships based on "we've known each other around the neighborhood" or "we hang out at recess."

First of all, I think you have the hardest job in the world. Working and raising kids. But even so moms who stay at home sometimes don't have a clue what's going on and then how to fix it. Girls these days are bombarded with images of smart mouths and vengefulness. It's how they handle insecurities. I have to say I think raising boys is easier. I can't stand to see how hurtful girls can be to each other.

Somehow she needs to talk. Maybe to someone at church, maybe to a church counselor. It's been my experience that school counselors are not helpful but maybe the can refer you to someone. She sounds like she is in pain. If she were in physical pain you would get her help. Start with that attitude.

Don't be so hard on yourself. Its not your fault. But the ball is in your court.

I had a little trouble following your post (sorry!), but my understanding is that your elder daughter is getting into "drama" situations with her friends. One minute they're friends, one minute they're not. Her good friend gets mad at her. Do I have that right?

If so, you're not doing anything wrong! Certainly, working part-time has nothing to do with it. This is just a normal stage for her age. It comes with all the girl hormones that are surging through her body right now. I do agree that after-school activities would be great for her. Kids with clear interests build stronger identities, and that helps a lot with social drama. If she has any interest in sports, those might be particularly good -- believe it or not, physical activity helps kids process the hormones better. If it gets really bad you might see if the school counselor could do some "friend counseling" for them both. Like couples counseling, but for friends.

And, just remember: This is a stage girls grow through. They outgrow it. You know how some 2- and 3-year-olds hit other children when they're fighting over a toy? Well, those toddlers NEED to hit, because they NEED to get time-outs for hitting in order to learn to use their words. Some "tween" girls NEED to get into dramas, and possibly lose a friend, in order to learn the hard way not to take everything personally, not to ratchet things up, etc. It can be hard, but it's normal.

First, welcome to the preteen/early teen world. One of my girls is the same and I would sometimes like to get her into anger management also. She has days she comes home and tells me she has no friends. But later, she can name a whole bunch. When she was younger (13 now) she started showing an interest in art. For the past year or 2 she has really thrown herself into it. She uses her Ipod to draw and has started an interest in animation. There are issues there as well. She will complain that someone at school told her she does horible stuff or some other mean thing. Or she will put herself down for her work not being as good as someone else's. But then she will admit she needs to practice and everyone's style is different. I think getting you daughter into a class would be great. If you can't, there are a lot of videos on youtube to learn to draw.

What about martial arts? It's not gymnastics, but is great for kids! The right facility can promote exercise, anger management and help promote personal responsibility. Plus, the master and other teachers can be great role models. My younger brother did it for years and my kids will be joining shortly!

Good luck!