Wanting a Third Baby but Hubby Says He Is Happy with 2 - Lafayette,LA

For starters, let him know how you feel. Unless it was a misstatement, you said "my husband does not even know that this is something that is important to me."

Trying to convince someone to change their mind on such an important topic is not likely going to work out too well. However, most decent and loving husbands like to make their wives happy. So just start with communicating what you want. Not in a demanding whiney way. But in a matter of fact, "these are my dreams, hopes and desires"...kind of way.

I was the one done at two, but my husband wanted three. I loved my husband and thought, if he's up for the challenge, why not? After all, will I regret it? Who regrets having more kids?

I laugh now because three is HARD. And while I don't regret I do sometimes think, "what was I thinking?!" But all is good. Hope it all works out for you both.

When one person wants a baby (or another baby) and the other doesn't, the "No" vote wins by default.
Stop trying to convince him. Even if you wear him down and get him to agree to having another baby that he doesn't really want, he will resent you and him/her for it.

If you take your IUD out and you get pregnant, it doesn't mean that you were "supposed to" have another child, or that some supernatural deity willed it. It would be because you knowingly had sex at a time when you were fertile.

I was your husband many years ago. My husband desperately wanted another child while I did not. We had two great kids, I was in school and finally things were to a point that I could start doing a little something for myself. My husband has always traveled a lot. At that point, he was traveling about 75 to 80% of the time. So the childrearing fell on my shoulders. My answer to him "if I traveled 75-80% of the time, I would want more kids too."

I love my husband but I did not want another child. He would make comments over the years but I just smiled and said "not with this wife". However, after awhile of his continued comments, we finally sat down and we talked. I explained why I felt the way I did. He wasn't too happy but realized I was very set in not having anymore children.

Now, he is glad we didn't have more children. We are empty nesters and can travel. We have taken several trips to Europe and US. I have a job that requires a lot of my attention and he still travels a lot. So, its worked for us.

I have never experienced wanting another child. After the birth of our second one, I knew I was done. If you and your husband are not on the same page regarding this, please do NOT put pressure on him. It drove me nuts when my husband would make his comments.

I am not going to give you advice on how to convince him to have another child especially if he doesn't want anymore. Perhaps, you need to step back and listen to HIM.

Try to reverse this, R.. Pretend that, with two kids, you are DONE. You are done having your sleep interrupted, done with pregnancy and birthing, happy with how you've created your family and you are ready to stop.

Now, imagine your husband insisting that you get pregnant because it's really important to HIM. You would still be doing all of the extra parenting involved in having that extra child, but that wasn't a child you longed for, ached for.

You might grow to feel resentful of your husband and the new baby.
If you could avoid that stress and frustration, it's likely you would choose to do so.

I ask you to imagine those positions in reverse because I think you need to have some empathy for his position. Babies and children cost a lot of money and put a financial burden on the breadwinners in each household. Chances are, if you had a second child, opportunities to return to work would be difficult: child care for two children under 5 costs a heck of a lot, and that might be considered an 'optional' cost. Food, clothes, medical care and all of the other things which go with it cost a lot.

I have a sister who has three-- both she and her husband work. Her work pays for their private homeschool program and he works a good job with good pay-- and yet, they still have to save their money and really economize for the trips they take. They have to make hard choices. But the difference is that they BOTH wanted to have three children. With both parents on board, the financial burdens, the sacrifices of personal time and all of the parenting-- it's doable for them. They both feel they have *chosen* this.

My husband and I, however, are of a different mind. We were happy to have one, and then done. Personally, if he changed his mind and wanted more kids, I would likely feel rather resentful if he were trying to convince me to have more. It would be disrespectful of him to expect me to parent a child I did not want. You need to look beyond your own desires and stop thinking that there is some special, magic idea which will change his heart. It doesn't work that way. If he really wanted another kid, that has to come from HIM, not just to please you.

Please, please do not have your IUD removed and see if you were "meant" to get pregnant. That is simply playing roulette with your whole future.

He has been very clear about what he wants and why he wants it. Do you know to your core absolutely why you want a third child? If it's because you see that families of three "in the same financial state as we are" get to do things -- please try to step back and see this more objectively.

You don't KNOW that they are in the "same financial state" as you. You just don't, unless they actually share all their financial details with you. You may think you know what they earn and you think you see how they spend money but you cannot truly know that they are just like you. Don't use others as a yardstick.

The vacations you see them taking may actually be straining their finances to the breaking point. They may be blithely ignoring the fact they have to pay to put three kids through college later on. They may be much wealthier than you and you have no idea of it.

And have you thought about the realities of college costs? Of costs before college, like the myriad costs of bringing up a child -- and have you thought about having to say no to a child who, for instance, has a huge talent at something but can't be allowed to get special lessons or go to special programs because you can't afford it? Or what if you have to deal with a child's medical issues or other issues down the road and have trouble with the finances of handling that because you are stretched too thin?

Having a child is not just a dollars and cents proposition. I get that. But having another child is also not just about wanting a baby. I know two moms who had that third baby because they had what they, themselves, called "baby lust" -- they loved that infant stage, the tiny person dependent on them, the sweetness of it, the cuddling -- and though they would say they love all their kids and wouldn't undo anything, they also have told me that they know that their older kids were denied a lot when they kept having babies due to wanting an infant in the house. And those infants? They grow. I note that you have a toddler -- did your desire for a new baby start to increase as your toddler has become more independent and started to say no, and pull away from you a bit?

Having a child, first, last or any other, is a deal-breaker. I think that no always trumps yes when it comes to "should we have another child." The idea that you want to convince him, and that you would even consider letting fate decide for you AND him and your other two children - please rethink that with some objectivity. Yes, it's important to you, right now, but you cannot undo it or its impact on your marriage if you get pregnant.

I was in your boat, I really wanted a third and my husband was done. I pushed for a bit, he pushed back, and then I thought about it from his point of view. If I was done having kids and he kept pushing me to have another one how would that feel? Having a baby is a huge commitment every time, both in time and money, would I be okay having that forced on me? Then I thought about his points, the fact that another would take time and money from the two we already have. After looking at it through his eyes I still wanted one for myself, but I could no longer keep trying to force fatherhood onto him, it just was not fair. He had a vasectomy and we have moved on and although I still sometimes think "what if", my two wonderful boys are more then enough :)

Keep talking it over but no whoopsi maneuvers to 'accidentally' get pregnant.
Unless both of you are on board with having another child, it's a no go.
Raising kids is expensive and I get where your husband is coming from.
He feels having more will take away resources from the 2 you already have.
You might enjoy being pregnant and/or having a young infant in the house but you have to think of the next 18 years for each child you have.
'Everyone else is doing it' is not a valid argument.

I am sorry, but you can't base whether you are financially equipped to rear 3 children in the manner you (and your husband) would like based on what you see other families doing. You have no idea what their true financial situation is. You might have an idea of their income (and that's "idea", not facts... have you seen their pay stubs and know what inheritance they have or how many financial gifts they received from other family, or whether their extended family facilitates some of what they do?), but you have no knowledge of whether they have retirement planned adequately (or at all) nor if they are in debt up to their eyeballs.

That's just silly to compare yourself to other people you see whom you ASSUME to be in similar financial situations.

I don't have an answer regarding how to deal with it, and I can't tell you how to convince your husband to change his mind. Just like if he was here posting, I wouldn't know how to help him convince you to change your mind.

I hope you discuss this and continue to discuss it until you are on the same page, and there are no surprises in the meantime.

Like JB, If you discussed this prior to marriage, and one of you changed your mind, you need to examine that and why the change of heart. Please do not dismiss your husband's feelings and concerns assuming that he'll "come around" after the birth if you should become pregnant again. He might just resent you for intentionally going against his wishes instead. Dishonesty is never a good idea in a healthy marriage.

Good luck.

I would not have a child (first or fifteenth) if my husband & I were not in 100% agreement about it.
Start there before you start removing things, bargaining with God, tempting fate or looking for signs!
Best!

You can't convince him and really, since you are at an impasse, the status quo should stand. The desires of the partner who wishes the smaller family trump the wishes of the one who wants more. Who is to say that you would even be satisfied with 3. You might still want more and then both you and DH will be unhappy. You certainly should not just have your IUD removed and see what happens. That would be very manipulative. I am pretty sure that getting pregnant because one has unprotected sex doesn't mean one is 'supposed to have a child' - as in some sort of cosmic plan. I am fairly sure all those pregnant teens out there are not part of some master plan of the universe. They are just dumb kids having unprotected sex.

You don't convince someone who is not interested in having more children. It is a mutual decision with the "no" being the answer. If 1 person is not on board with it, you don't do it.

So you are trying to talk him into stopping bcp and taking chances? If you end up pregnant, you could end up sabotaging your marriage. Do you want to be a single mom? Is child #3 worth losing your marriage and stability you currently have with 2 children?

Instead of nagging him about your yearning, listen to him about why he says no right now. Think about it.... children are expensive, college educations, weddings, then figure in if by chance you have a special needs child which can really throw the family for a loop financially. Providing for the family puts a lot of pressure on a husband, especially if his wife is a SAHM.

At most, listen to him, respect him and table the issue. Your current "baby" is just 16 months old. Give yourself time to heal from giving birth and adjusting to your 2 children.

Stop thinking about what other people are doing... think about your family. You don't know if the other people who are going on vacations with 3+ kids are drowning in debt and living beyond their means.

Give it time and if he is still on the same page, then you have a decision to leave him or not.

How many children did you agree on before you got engaged? That was surely one of the important conversations you had, right? So going back to that conversation, which one of you has had a change of heart, and why?

If you married him planning on 3 children and now he wants to stop at 2, you need to hear his concerns and address them. Is the issue financial? If so, look at your income and expenses and the numbers will tell the story...either you can afford to add to your family and not sacrifice your lifestyle or you can't. If you can't right now, then you'll need to come with up with some ideas that would change that and see if those are realistic. If it's not financial, is it that you don't have the space in your home? Need to buy a bigger car? Have difficult pregnancies or health risks? Or does he just feel that your family is complete as-is? Figure out what his specific concerns are and talk through them. They might be valid, or he may be reacting out of assumptions or fear.

If you originally planned on 2 and now you're the one with a change of heart, you pretty much need to go through the same exercise but also ask yourself why 3 instead of 2? Realistically, do you have enough space? Money? If you work, can you play for childcare for 2 at the same time? If you don't work, do you have the patience to be home with 2 small children at once? Are the bedrooms big enough to share, if needed? Do you need a bigger car? Is this just hormones in overdrive? If you wait another 6-12 months will this desire pass?

You both really need to hear each other out and get any concerns spelled out and research those completely and honestly. I wish you luck with this as neither one of you is right or wrong.

If I were you, I would agree to shelf this discussion for 2 years. Don't mention it, don't talk about it, for 2 years. Your youngest child will be 3 then, and both your perspective and your husband's may have changed by then. The reason you yearn for another baby is entirely biological - we are wired to want to reproduce as many times as possible. Only in recent times have we had any success with keeping all of our children alive to adulthood, so from an evolutionary standpoint, the urge to have more children is powerfully ingrained and hard to ignore.

That being said, over time, it does fade, and your husband has some very valid reasons as to why he doesn't want more kids. After our second child was born, my husband really wanted to have another. He always thought 3 kids would be a perfect number. I was happy with one child, but reluctantly agreed to have a second child. Well, our second child was a dream baby until she turned 2. And then she became a crazy demon-child. Boy, am I glad I pushed back on having a third child! I can't even imagine another one like this one. She's now 9, and is still a handful and a half. This kid times 2 would have put me in an insane asylum! Anyway, wait 2 years. See how you feel then. A lot can change in that time period.

That's a tough one. I totally understand those baby yearnings, and I feel for you. But it takes two to make a child and if your husband doesn't want that then there's no way you can convince him. All you can do is give it some time, he MAY change his mind when your youngest gets a little older, but be prepared if he doesn't.
It's like I tell my kids, we can't always have everything we want, sometimes we have to make the best with what we have.

If your hubby says 2 is his limit then you need to listen to him and agree on 2 being your family size. It would be unfair to him to remove your iud and see what happens. Imagine if you only wanted 2 and he decided to screw around with your method of birth control so he could get a 3rd child under the guise of it was supposed to be.

The only thing you can do is to sit down with your hubby and talk about your reasons for wanting a 3rd child while listening to his reasons for wanting to only have 2. Come to a decision and stop making it an issue. Strong relationships don't survive long when pulled in separate directions.

What were your husbands exact words? Did he hasy "I'm happy with two". Or did he say "I only want two, and I am done."

It's a small but important difference. My husband was happy with one child, but wasn't against having two. Having two was really really important to me, and when I explained that, he was 100% ok with trying for #2. BUT - it sounds to me like your husband was pretty clear that he ONLY wants 2, because he thinks you can't afford 3. If this is the case, then you need to keep talking and/or accept his answer.

And no, I don't think that just taking out your IUD and leaving it up to luck is the best way to go. That is manipulative, IMO.

You and your husband need to have an honest conversation (or two or six or 10) about how you each feel. You don't necessarily have to raise kids in the same environment as the ones in which you each were raised. Families go on vacations that are cheaper and can accommodate more kids. Families with fewer kids might have greater or lesser opportunities - it depends on so many things. So I'm not sure if your husband is talking about economics, or about the struggles of finding activities for a bunch of kids of varying ages.

I'm concerned that you have infertility problems (which can actually fuel the desire for another child) but you are thinking of going off birth control. "If it happens, it happens" is just not a mature way of dealing with family size issues. It's ignoring all responsibility as if "fate" would make a better decision than you would together. Lots of people don't use birth control and it absolutely does not mean they are "supposed" to have another child. It just means they didn't want to be responsible and make a decision. It's also a big sign that you don't want to talk to your husband to make a decision.

I'd sit down with him, and I'd consider couples counseling that relates to prior infertility and what that does to your feelings as a woman. I'd also work on good communication skills so that you and your husband can face future decisions and issues with a better partnership. It's not up to us to help you convince your husband, and I don't think you're going to get much support for tricking him by having your IUD taken out without his agreement. That doesn't say much about your marriage now, and it will only cause resentment and major problems down the road. You would benefit from some professional guidance here.

Hi R.,

I feel for you. I was in your position six years ago. I didn't think he would ever budge, but one month he just didn't use protection-all month and I got pregnant. It was like an unspoken concession on his part. I couldn't believe he did that, and I couldn't believe it worked! I will always consider that to be one of the biggest miracles of my life.

Don't give up! Keep sharing your heart with him, and maybe he'll agree.

I don't agree with everyone who says the one who wants to stop trumps the one who doesn't. Why should that be? In my case, it was the fulfillment of a dream. I am not a career girl. I always dreamed of having a big family with a minimum of three kids. I did not feel our family was complete with two. And I couldn't have been more right. Our baby boy is 5 years old now, and neither of us can imagine our family without him!

Best wishes to you!

You're basing your finances on what other people are doing? That is a terrible way to do it. Come up with a budget, based on your income and outgoing money. Show him that you can afford it, based on real figures and your real income/outgoing finances. Not what you see other people doing.

I always knew our family wasn't complete, but it took years before we had a second child. I kept getting laid off, financially it did not work out. I hoped for our kids to have a couple of years age difference, they have 7. My current job/income level allowed us to afford our 2nd child. I work in accounting so I make up spreadsheets showing how much we bring in after taxes, what our monthly expenditures are, what they would be with the cost of a 2nd child in daycare, what our out of pocket would be for the doctors' bills, approximately how much more per month we would be spending on things for the baby (diapers, wipes, formula, bottles, etc), etc. I proved we would be able to afford a baby, to my husband and myself. We're both the kind of people who need hard facts not just feelings, even though I really wanted another baby.

Continue being honest with your husband. Your youngest is still young. So I can see him not being too excited to start again in the new baby stage. If it continues to be something you need and not want to have another child I'm sure your husband will come around to just want you to be happy. :) Then I guess its just going to be in gods hands no matter what you do to conceive.

I have to say that you need to write down all of your reasons for the third in a matter of fact way or manner. You are going to be the main caregiver to three children and your sleep is going to be interrupted for another three years.

Hubby has a plain as most men do. He feels comfortable being able to afford he two and do things he wants to do.

I wanted a third child at one point in time. When we moved to our base overseas I asked if we were going to have a baby and he said no. I let it be and got involved in other projects that did not include infants. After the first Gulf War he wanted a third but by then I was out of the idea of having my sleep interrupted and we were about to get orders and did not want to have to start over as the kids were almost teens.

Table the thought for now. Present it in two years or so. You may have changed your mind by that time. Keep the IUD in. You have two healthy children right now and let it be. We read many mommas on here who have "the child/that child" and they wish they could have yours. Finances really get eaten up quickly with a child with special needs.

A big hug to you.

the other S.

I wanted a second, my husband did not. At first it was just a thought and idea we both had of two kids, but our first was getting older and older and so was I. The timing just never seemed to click. The I had a miscarriage/false positive while on BC pills. That got us thinking, we had two week of getting out heads around the idea of being a family of four before I had a negative test result and a heavy period the following day. When it turned out I wasn't, I realized I was actually really sad. We talked and he told me to make the choice, that he would stand by me. So I tossed my pills and we gave it over to God. That was a November, January I decided to start tracking my periods, February I was pregnant.

I don't know how old you are, but if your youngest is 16 months and you're still in your late 20's or early 30's, then I think you have some time yet. Enjoy your baby while he's a baby. Mine's about to be 24 months (2 years) and I'm contented with our little family of four.