Help! How Should I Talk Him into Having More Babies?

I have to agree with the previous post. He probably doesn't want to be the "old dad" that is confused for being a grandfather at events with the kiddos. My dad died at 53 (which is young I know) but I had a hard time with it and I was almost 30. I can't imagine having dad die before I got married or graduated college. Good luck.

You won't like this, but:

You should listen to your husband. Age and finances are important and you have two kids. Be happy with that! I'm 40 and I can't IMAGINE having more kids in 10 years -especially if it was going to strain us financially. He'll be 70-71 when a new baby is 20! Marriage is full of compromise, and you need to compromise on this. You chose to marry someone 20 years older than you, and that's fine, but this is one of those things that comes with making that decision.

Not to be morbid, but you might want to think about how you'll feel being a widowed, single mom to 3 or 4 young kids too. Most people don't die between 50 and 70, but many do -or become debilitated. I'm sure he's considering that as well.

First of all, I don't think *anyone* is allowed to dictate how many children you should or should not want, or judge you for whatever number that may be. I am a firm believer that if you feel strongly from your heart that you need to raise another child, you have every reason in the world to work toward that goal regardless of external factors. Working toward that goal, in your case, includes making sure your husband is fully on board and upgrading your health insurance to a policy that will cover pregnancy. If you are a stay at home mom it sounds like financially you will be able to make it work. Small children are really not that expensive if you have hand me downs, etc. As they grow and need more stuff, once your children are in school maybe you can begin working part time to fill in the financial gaps. Start working on your monthly budget now to make room for a better health insurance policy (trim cable tv services, dinners out, etc.).

I don't know specifically how you'll convince him. That is a personal thing -- my recommendation is to make sure he feels fully included in your family life (often men don't want more children bc they take the wife's attention off of them). Make sure you are connecting as a couple, that you are taking care of his emotional needs, etc. Then talk to him. Tell him it is something you really feel pulled toward in your life. Tell him to just please think about it. Don't harp on it or nag or beg. You don't want to wear him down; you want him to be a fully committed partner in the process.

Edited to add: I am really distressed at the number of people here talking about how the husband's desire NOT to have more children should be absolutely respected with no discussion, and how not doing so will cause him to be resentful. Don't you think he should also be required to respect his wife's desire TO have more children, and that if he doesn't SHE could become resentful? I'm just saying, it's a two way street here. The couple needs to come together on this, for sure, both committed 100%. But to just blindly accept the husband's edict that he's done can lead to huge amounts of emotional strain and resentment for the wife.

I agree with others, that it can be very damaging to push a spouse into more children. If he doesn't want anymore and he REALLY feels that way, he could resent you for pushing him. I've seen my sister's marriage go through this and they are still trying to repair their marriage. Also, you have to step into his shoes. He is the provider, the one that ha to take on the financial responsibility of your children. The prospect of another child and the medical expenses of that, might be too much pressure for him. Emotionally, if he doesn't want to take on another child, really listen to that. Men can buckle under too much emotional pressure from his family.

Regardless of his reasons, pushing him to do this if it's not what he wants will ultimately result in resentment of you and future children. I think that is the bottom line. Be careful here...

How can your insurance not cover pregnancy? That's just wrong!

I have to agree that "persuading" him has low odds. Especially at 50. I am 45, and am 6 years older than my husband. We have 3 very young boys (all under age 6), and it is very hard for him to remember that my age DOES make a difference. But it does.

I am working hard to take care of myself, with the hope of being able to do what they need me to do...as long as they need me to do it. Our last baby (now ~ 6 mos) was a wonderful surprise, but I sure couldn't do it again. Our middle son was adopted. Not sure I could do that again either.

We have talked about adopting a daughter, but we are unlikely to do so, unless a child we all ready loves needs us.

Some days, I feel that babies are like tribbles...they addle our brains with their cuteness & make us want more...until, one day, we end up with more than we can handle.

: )

You should not talk your husband into having more children just because you want to, you need to respect his feeling as well. Are the children you have now not enough to make you happy? If so thats sad you should be so greatfull for what you have and maybe compromise with your hubby, maybe he'll change his mind maybe not but you dont want him to regret the child if you do talk him into it. Just my thoughts.

I've found in this life that it's rarely a good idea to try to convince someone to want something that they do not want. They tend to resent it. As a woman who only wanted one child, if someone else were to try to convince me to have a second baby, I'd be furious. Especially if I'd explained my reasons, which would appear --to me, at least-- to be valid, responsible ones.

"I totally understand his view points but I just don't agree"...this disagreement of perspectives may be fueled by the years of life between your ages. Your husband may likely be looking forward to his boys growing out of needing you both so much, not due to a lack of love for his babies, but because they are so needy when they are so young. Another go-round may not be appealing. I can tell you, even at 36 with one baby, I was spent. Now that he's three, I still go to bed exhausted. What would this be like for your relationship to add on more years of nighttime wakings and all that goes with infants? Would he begin to resent saying yes to you, even as he loved your child? How would that bode for your marriage?

One thing I would try to consider is what about having babies you love so much. Then try to figure out how to have that in your life in some way, if possible. It wouldn't be hard to figure out how to get licensed to take care of babies in your home, or once your boys are old enough, to work at a childcare center. I've worked at these places, and they truly do need caregivers who really love babies, simply because they are so much work. Volunteering at a hospital is another way to make a positive impact in a baby's life, or even providing respite care at a women's shelter/transitional program.

I understand your desire for more children (I have glimmers of it from time to time myself), and I also understand your husband's point. My husband will be 48 and he voices his concerns about the same things. Many fathers have a significant burden on their shoulders in the care and support of their families. Your care and support of your family in all that you do is also of equal value, and I believe each person in a relationship should have their say. However, unless both parties are in agreement, it's best to wait until that happens before proceeding.

Best wishes,
H.

You have to understand, he is 50, and would probably like to have some time on the end of his life to enjoy just being a couple, and more kids makes him feel he will never get that time with you. There really is not easy answer here. You want more, he does not, so one of you will not get what you want. I do not have any advice for how to change his mind. I was in your place, I would like one more, hubby is done. We will not be having any more children and I have put all my focus into enjoying every moment with the ones I do have. Best of luck to you.

You can't convince him, without it being a problem.
Also, sometimes, we 'miss' babies, when our kids are growing up. That is normal... and happens. But so is that the reason you want more babies?
My kids are growing up... and I 'miss" them as babies too.... but well that's life. And we can't afford more kids, and we love having our 2 kids. I am a SAHM too. Sometimes I think it'd be nice to have another baby... but I know it is because I miss the baby-days... of when my kids were that young. It is not a 'real' need though. Of mine. It is just sentimental feelings.

Your Husband, brings up very real reasons for not wanting to have more babies.
My friend's Husband... is in his early 50's. Their youngest child is now 5. And quite honestly, people think he is the "Grandpa"... and not the Dad. He gets mistaken for being the Grandpa.
And he will be in his 60's, when his son is ONLY 15.
My friend, when she was that age, had on "older" Dad... and they were NOT close at all and she hated it. Everyone would ask "is that your Grandpa?" Her Dad himself, could not even relate to her. It was lonely for her.

You have 2 kids already... and that's great. Sure. But you miss "babies." Really know if it is missing "babies" or that you really want other kids. Or just the idea of missing "babies."
It is a form of "empty nest" feelings.

I don't think there is anything you can say that is magically going to change his mind. Tell him your reasons as it seems he has told you his and then accept that you may not get the answer you want. As someone who firmly believes in zero population growth I wasn't willing to have another child after our second. My husband gave me the reasons he wanted another. (Mainly he wanted his son to have a brother like he did and our second turned out to be a girl, horrors!) I explained that I didn't think his having a sister instead of a brother would impare him in any way. As I have always been closer to my brother then my sister I can attest that they can have a close relationship even if they are not the same sex. I am not willing to give in on my beliefs and I think the 2 we have are more then enough. He was disappointed for a while but he also understands that having a child is something both people have to be on board with. Being honest with each other is always the right thing to say. Good luck!

Please be happy with what you have! If your husband doesn't want more than you should respect that. Two children nowadays is enough. Paying for school, sports, weddings. healthcare, etc.....With the state of this country I would be happy to have 2 healthy children and focus all my time on them. And turning to the government to help you have them???? I don't really want to pay anymore money to people who can't be satisfied and content with what they have!!

Dear C., I'm so sorry tht you and your husband are not in agreement about this. It's such a hard thing to disagree about. The first thing I would do is to apologize to him for not being willing when he wanted more children. Tell him how you felt overwhelmed, but now that the boys are a little older, you see how foolish that decision was. You should have trusted him more. And, thank him for encouraging you to stay home and be a mother to your children. They are blessed, and so are you. And, so is your husband. This is a great gift that you have! Many men don't see the value of a wife at home running the house. What a privilege!
1. He's not too old. If you can conceive, then he's just the right age. :)
2. Nobody really feels like they are financially able to have children. Well, most people. Bad reason to not have children. I guess I'd wonder what he thinks he can't provide for them. Luxuries? Vacations? Those things are nothing in comparison to a sibling. Things rust and rot. Children are eternal. Nothing can compare to that.
3. Pregnancy is such a short timed thing. Yes, it can be expensive. Have you considered a midwife? We love birthing with a midwife. We also like to birth at home. Very inexpensive in comparison to a hospital with an OB. Of course, complications might make the OB required, but most pregnancies don't require an OB. Read Henci Goer's book, The Thinking Woman's Guide to a Better Birth.
We thought we were done after 3. I was so over my head with the children (all boys 4 and under). Eventually, I wanted more. My husband agreed to one more. Then, when she was about 18 months, we decided together that children are blessings and that we should trust that God knows what is best for us. He knows more about that than we do. So, we just accept children as they come. Scary concept for most of us. But, it has been a great joy to us. Interestingly, in the 8 years since we have given up our control in this area, we've only been given 2 more children (6 total). We would LOVE more. We beg for more. The way we view our children is so totally different now. They don't scare us at all. :)

We are soon to be fifty and at your age I would have loved to have 10 more!! My youngest is 11, I know my husband could not handle a newborn. Your husband is not a spring chicken anymore. He might be slowing down soon. I only say this because we are slowing down a bit now.

I sometimes feel bad for our youngest because we are older parents. So I can see his point about age.

Its a big chunk of change without insurance, You do have to think about that. I wish I could help you. I know the yearning for more it sooooo strong. I do wish you luck.

Deciding how many kids to have can be a sticky situation for couples when one wants one or two more and the other is done.
I think your husband is thinking logically and you are thinking emotionally.
Neither of those things is WRONG, by the way.
You aren't going to be 50 for 20 years so in a way, for you that's a long way down the road and 50 isn't so bad.
But, your husband is 50 and in 20 years, he'll be 70. He'll still be healthy then, God willing and you can enjoy some kid free time, just the two of you once your 2 kids are out on their own. (Again, God willing :) )

I was 33 when I had my last child and believe me, the more he grew and I loved what a wonderful child he was, I really had longings for another child. A hysterectomy not long after he was born took that choice out of my hands, but I sitll had those twinges. I still get them around babies, but I'm 48 and I figure I'll just have to wait for grandchildren.
They told me from the time I was very young that I'd never have children so I was just so happy to be blessed with my two miracles.

I do understand your longing for another baby and that's not something you should keep to yourself, express your feelings. But, you have to be willing to listen to his feelings on the subject as well.
If you were able to have another baby within a year, it would only make a year's difference in things, but when you're 70 or pushing it....the difference seems bigger.

I just think it means a lot for you to really listen to his perspective. Not that your perspecitive isn't important as well, but you are seeing things from two different perspectives.
Being older, finances, etc...those are valid concerns.

The other thing I wanted to say is that my grandmother married a man significantly older than she was. They had 4 children. When he passed away, she was mom AND dad and had to work to finish getting the kids raised herself. She had never worked outside the home before.
She never remarried. She managed and lived in the same house for 70 years. She passed away at 94. Her kids all took care of her in her later years.
Babies are such blessings and I would have had way more than I did if I could have.
Maybe just continue to talk about it with your husband without it seeming like you're "bugging him" or "trying to talk him into it".
Men will tune that out.
I know lots of people who planned their children young, had them close together, got them raised and on their own so they as couples could still be young enough to enjoy travelling and being in love and look forward to that new phase in their lives.

It's a personal decision.

I wish you the best.

I hope you find something that is agreeable to both of you so that you're mutually happy with whatever you decide.

After reading your update, I am relieved to see that you don't plan to argue or manipulate your husband into changing his mind. (Having observed many families over several decades, that seldom appears to work out well.) It sounds like his mind could change again without your efforts if you just give him some time.

Creating another person has such enormous consequences, for the parents, siblings, and the world at large. There is no higher-impact choice a family is ever likely to make. A degree of heroism is needed, and tremendous energy, which does tend to fade as we get older. Unless your husband can come freely to the realization that he would like to father another child, I hope you can find a way to focus your love and creativity on the two sons you have.

Hi C., My husband is 56 and I'm 36. We have two kids and want 2 or 3 more. My husband would have 10 more if he could. I think your husband is making a big deal out of age, because it's just something people say and don't stop to realize, it is only a number. Besides, I thought that 50 is the new 40!! As long as his health is good, then why not? Don't think about, "but when the kids are such and such age, then I'll be_ _". People are in so much better health nowdays so age really doesn't matter, imo. Also, he is an awsome dad and admits he would ahve been a horrible father in his twenties or thirties!

Financial; I can see his point, but I think it is just an excuse. my parents raised 4 kids on just my dad's middle income salary.

As far as the insurance goes. Save a little bit of money and you will be fine. When we had our first kid, we didn't have insurance that covered pregnancy, so I called around to hospitals and got rates for paying cash in advance. Extremely reasonable pricing. Most hospitals charge less if paid for during your 1st trimester and it's more $ if you pay it off during the 3rd trimester. around here, the hospital rates were around $1500-2800, depending on the hospital and length of time you stay. Your OB Dr. will also make a deal with you as well as the anesthesiologist. All together, we paid less than $5000.00. We would have paid a lot more than that in insurance, if our policy covered pregnancies, so we decided to go the cheaper route. We paid the hospital in advance and never received another bill. Very nice!

Good luck to you, and I hope you win!! Having babies is fun!! :)

Your husband works out of the home....he may be used to business plans and models. For a few minutes, take the emotions out of it. Consider it as a business plan.

Figure the costs of having a child and raising him/her through college. Don't forget about the costs associated with raising the other children at the same time.

Next add in potential roadblocks or issues (I know that people don't like to think about these, but when preparing a business plan/model, these items are considered). For example, is there financial and logistical planning in place in the event that one parent is gone (e.g. either thru divorce or death or, even, when career takes them away for extended times). Do you have insurance or savings to cover the loss of income of the departed person? Could you manage raising the children alone?? Would you have to go to work outside the home? Would you be able to afford childcare? Do you have ability to transport additional children (and consider their friends who will become important as they get older)?

Build into the model whether you will want or need extras. Some of those can include specific health issues for either parents or children. You may want vacations or summer camps/events for the kids. You may want to prepare your children for their adulthood thru some special programs or educational opportunities. Have you budgeted for those or can you adjust some other items?

Now, that all sounds business-like and clinical, but these may be the things that are going thru your hubby's mind, since he is the one who is providing the financial support. Also, you said that he has his own business....business owners are frequently overwhelmed themselves with the responsibilities for employees, new laws that impact the business, etc.

Try approaching it from his side and presenting it to him that way. Then, you can add the emotional part back into the model.

Then the two of you can decide together if the business model can make sense in light of the emotional desires. Even so, you both may decide that you want more children even if you don't have all the business answers...but it should be a decision that you both make together.

We too have 2 boys 3 1/2 and 5 1/2, they are 23 months apart . I wanted 8 kids when we got married and hubby said it was fine with him. Well when our second was 1 and I wanted to try for a third one, he said he was done. I was heartbroken. I did not bug him, but I was sad. Finally when our youngest was 3, hubby said he wanted more kids :) We are amost 24 weeks preg with our 3rd. He also agreed for the 4 th(if it's in God's plan) since this baby will be so far apart from the boys. Hang in there. There is hope:)

Pray for God to change his heart. My son-in-law wanted 2 and my daughter is now pregnant with #6.
He is a great Dad and loves all of them so much!

Well, my parents have a big age gap and Dad was in his fourties when he had kids. I know several dads in their early fifties with young ones. I think it would be a scary thing, though, realizing that you could be 70 when your child graduates from highschool or entering college. Since my religious circles don't use birth control, we have a lot of older dads at my church and they seem to adore their babies/toddlers. They probably get a lot of comments about their 'grandkids' when they go places though.

I think you should discuss his specific concerns about being an older dad.

Financially, well I guess I never worried about finances when it came to kids, I feel that isn't a concern at all, but maybe I'm just naive.

As far as insurance, if you don't have maternity coverage on your insurance, CHIPS will probably cover you. It's an insurance plan for children in TX who can't otherwise get insurance. They NOW cover unborn children! I was so excited to hear that. So I would check into that and present that new info for him.

Before CHIPS started covering maternity care my husband turned down several jobs because we would need private insurance, none of which would cover me for maternity care (c-sections and preterm labor and the like.)

Don't push him too much, but remind him that you primarily care for the children and that both of you should be on board with whatever decision is made.

Hm...I don't know. I'm totally opposite. I just had a baby and I swear I want my tubes tied. My husband is adamant about trying again in a few years for a boy, so he doesn't want me to take any drastic measures. I however just don't see myself having another one any time soon, if at all. I am so proud of and happy with the one I've just had. Unfortunately, I don't blame your husband. He would be over 70 by the time his children are graduating. He is probably feeling the pressures of his age, plus add financial pressure and that's enough to stress a person. I know you don't agree but please respect his decisions. You do already have two, it's not as though he didn't give you any babies. Perhaps you can pick up a part time job in your helps to persuade him, so that he can know he doesn't have to support 4 children ( if he would agree to two more ) on his own, especially without insurance. I just got my hospital bill and if I didn't have insurance I probably would have had to rob a bank or two. Maybe you can make a pros/cons table of having more children vs. no more and see which one out weighs the other. For example: no more children = more money to spend on the ones you have, more money and possibilities of a family vacation, more time for you and your husband to build and strengthen your marriage, etc.

Maybe you could try to compromise... One more kid instead of two.