Using reward/Chore Charts for 4 Year Old

We did a chart like this with my son when he was four. We made it simple...no more than three goals at a time. I bought toys and puzzles (at a garage sale) and put them on top of the refrigerator. He wasn't allowed to touch them, but it was a constant reminder what he was working towards. At one point he was earning a family camping trip...so I stuck one of our sleeping bags up there.

For the hitting and roughness issues, we put "use gentle hands" on there. I attempted to be positive with our goals instead of using "no" phrases. We just continually explained to our son when his sister went through that phase that she was learning how to use gentle hands and he needed to help us show her how to do it. We did lots of praise when we saw him behaving like we wanted. After he "finished" a chart then we moved on to other goals. In our house it was a really useful tool.

That's a good question. I think the 4 year old is old enough to grasp the concept that the younger sibling is way behind him in learning and that he is an example for him, what we do teaches him what is ok and what is not. Remind him that at his brothers age he couldnt say his abcs and now he can. At that age he couldnt dress himself but now he can. So his brother may not have great self control now, but he is learning it and it will get better as he grows up. I think you have to be careful in your desire to be fair, because it is unrealistic for them both to have the same expectations. Be realistic with your son about those differences now because they are a constant theme growing up, a fact of life that with age comes more responsibility but also more privilege and freedom. I hope my thoughts help you!

You don't have to be THAT fair to your 4 year old. I have a 5 year old who has known through two babies now that the rules are the rules and they aren' the same for babies. She even tells her 3 year old brother not to get mad when our 18 month old accidentally bumps him or swipes a toy or something "because babies can't help it" to which he yells, "I KNOW!!!" The 18 month old should be learning not to hit as well.
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We have a 4 year old and a 2 year old, and these charts really do help with the 4 year old! I just explain to him that his brother is still really little, and while he's starting to understand things, he still isn't completely "getting it." My 4 year old DOES get this! He still gets angry if his little brother hits him or something, but he often says things like, "Sam is yelling, but I can't yell like that because I'm too old." I also DO put my youngest in time outs when he hits, pinches, etc. or does something like throwing all of his food in the floor. I admonish him and this seems to do a world of good for my 4 year old! Your oldest will soon get the fact that, as we age, some behavior just becomes completely unacceptable because we know more. Put it to him as the fact that he's a big boy who knows more and has more experience than his little brother.

I have a 4 yr old and a 10 month old, so I'm with you!

What I do it that I make sure to tell the 10 month old when he's doing something that's not allowed - hitting, throwing toys, pulling hair. Does the 10 month old understand? I doubt it. But I think it's important for my older son to see me saying "no baby, we don't pull hair" as I remove his hands from my older son's head. Or "no baby, we don't throw toys" as I take away the recently thrown toy. Of course the baby doesn't get the same punishment as my older son. For example, a thrown toy by my older son gets put away and has to be earned back; for the baby, it just gets put away for an hour or so. But I think (hope?) I'm still making the point to my older son that the rules are the rules.

For the behavior chart - I've done one and it works great when I do it - but like you, I have trouble being consistent. I set it up the same way as my son's daycare. Instead of specific things, it is split into times of the day - morning, lunch, nap, afternoon, dinner, evening, bedtime, sleeping. If he is good during that time, he gets a green smiley face. If he is mostly good, but acts up a little (ie, if I have to tell him 3 times to get his pjs on) then he gets a yellow unhappy face. If he does something really unacceptable (hits, throws a tantrum, etc) he gets a red frown face. I don't actually give him anything concrete for greens. He is thrilled if I give him a ton of praise if we get to the end of the day with all greens. If there is a yellow or red in the day, we talk about it before bed, and talk about what he might do differently the next day so that he can get back to all green again. For a kid that isn't so motivated by praise, you could give a prize for getting all greens for 2 days in a row, or something like that.

It works great, but it's a ton of work to keep up with every single day...

We started a chart for my DD around that age. We now pay her an allowance b/c that's what works for her. We were having a hard time keeping up with it daily as well, and then the weekly allowance would be hard to figure so we started paying daily. I know a lot of people wouldn't agree with this method but it works great for us. The last thing on her chart is to collect and it is up to her to do it. The instant gratification went a long way with us solving some issues - we teach delayed gratification in plenty of other areas.

And yes, since you asked for an opinion :-), I think you should start with just a couple of things (like bed and bath) and once you get them down add another. Don't try to do it all at once! Good luck!

I have a 4 1/2 year old and an 8 month old and we do have a responsibility chart for him that works alot. He likes knowing what to expect and responds well to that. From the start, we've always told him that babies don't know any better and it's up to all of us... Mommy, Daddy and him to teach the baby as she grows up just like we taught him. So, we include him in that and it works well because he feels important that he also gets to teach the baby. We haven't gotten into where the younger one instigates yet, but I think it's fair that a 4 year old understands alot more than an 18 month old and should have different expectations...at the same time I would show my 4 year old that I'm also correcting and discplining the 18 month old when appropriate. Hope this helps.