Trying to Be Positive for Others - Part II

Please stay out of it between her and her husband. It's one of those "no good deed goes unpunished" type of things.

If a friend bit my head off like she is doing, I'd spend less time with her. I suggest the same for you. She is miserable with all the hormones, etc, but she is being a beotch to you and you shouldn't put up with it. Honestly, allowing it just because she's pregnant is enabling behavior that she may feel free to do to someone else who ISN'T such a "friend" and she may end up getting her clock cleaned. Instead of allowing it, pull back some so that she realizes that her behavior is inappropriate. You don't have to talk about it with her - indeed, I wouldn't. Just don't be so available.

I feel sorry for her husband. I really do.

One thing I know, from being married to an abusive psycho everyone else on the planet adores, especially his good friends, is that none of us can truly know what a marriage is like unless we're in it.

So really, if you don't like her, just avoid her.

:(

I'm with Laura. Sometimes the best thing a real friend can do is to tell it like it is.

"Look Missy, you're knocked up, not broken. You're treating others, including your husband who spoils you rotten, like sh*t. Stop it. I want to be supportive, but you're making it extremely difficult. You've been pregnant for less than 2 months and you're acting like you've been diagnosed with a terminal illness. You're HAVING a baby....quit ACTING like one."

My guess is that the negativity is a coping mechanism and a cover for a terrible fear that she will undergo another loss. I've never lost a pregnancy so I can't really speak from experience, but perhaps this is her way of distancing herself emotionally so that if she has another loss (and at only 6 weeks along she's certainly not out of the woods yet) it won't be as hard (which of course isn't rational and makes no sense but that's what her unconscious thought process might be). If she's a close friend, you might be able to approach things from that angle the next time she's snappy. I would be tempted to say something like "you're really not yourself right now and seem to be having a really hard time with this...how are you doing with this, really, besides the hormones...I think if I were in your shoes I'd be anxious and afraid...are you?"

If she's not that close a friend, then just try to be there and see if her attitude changes after 12 weeks or 18 weeks (the u/s weeks, which can be very reassuring if things are going well), or after whatever the milestone of her prior loss was.

My guess is that your attempt at pointing out the silver lining is falling on deaf ears because you have no idea whether or not her baby is healthy or strong. If you have to say something when she complains, just reassure her that she'll feel better in a few weeks, it gets easier after first trimester, etc.

Regarding her husband...not your business. He probably doesn't deserve the treatment she's giving him but that's his job to weather the storm. For all you know, he could be a complete a-hole behind closed doors. Even if hes' not, it's not your business.

While I think she is being horrible, let me come at this from a different perspective. I miscarried my first pregnancy, and while I didn't have a difficult pregnancy the second time, I was miserable. I tried to put on a happy face, but hated being pregnant. With my third pregnancy, I hated it even more. I had complications with my twins and there was a time where we were in fear of losing them. Same thing with my sister, who after 20 years of trying, gave up on being pregnant finally got pregnant. She had tremendous difficulties and the last thing she wanted to hear was to think positive or people telling her how grateful she should be because she was pregnant. Frankly sometimes we just wanted to complain about how miserable we were without judgment. We just wanted someone to listen and not offer advice.

Also, I remember how scared I was getting pregnant again. It could also be a coping mechanism for her. If she is miserable and something happens again, she can tell herself that she wasn't really happy about it anyway. It's not logical, but after a miscarriage sometimes you aren't logical.

I would definitely limit my time with her, but also if she talks about it, just listen, don't offer advice and don't look on the bright side. And don't compare yourself to her. Why we can all rationalize and say that we've all been there, she doesn't want to hear it. I bet she would stop talking about it when she stops having an audience.

Just something to think about from the other side.

I've had somewhat similar issues with an old friend but she's not THIS bad, I don't see her that often and it's been a more gradual issue. In this case, I'm with the others that you should just say something. Sounds like you see her often enough. Maybe you should go kind of extreme and say "sweetie, I know it's hard not feeling well but you are being so incredibly extreme about it and so incredibly h*** o* DH that maybe you should reconsider all this. It's not too late to abort." Then likely she'll give you a shocked "OMG!! I'd never do that!!" Then say "Well, you're acting like you'd like to so you need to give some hard thought to how you're going to live your life from this point on. It doesn't get easier once you have the baby. DH is being patient now but eventually he will get tired of this as will everyone else. I know of xyz book that may help bc you've gotten really bad. If you want this baby, you're making a decision and you need to find a way to be more positive or you should change your decision. You're making a choice. No one is forcing you to do this." she does need a wake up call. And/or to speak to a doctor. Maybe her hormones are worse than most and it's making her depressed.

... geez and her Husband will have to put up with it, or not, for several more months.

If she is a friend, I would have told her to knock it off, by now and that she's being a pain, and to everyone. I would have no patience with her.
Can't she appreciate, life and that she is pregnant?

If she can't handle being pregnant... how the heck is she going to handle... being a Mom with an infant that wakes up all the time and have to deal with feedings?
I think, her Husband is going to be doing a lot.
I hope she improves her stinky attitude.

Well you sound as if you have done all you can. Check on her occasionally and live your own life. She has her mind made up and anything you say to her will fall on deaf ears.

When she calls you can tell her you have been busy with your family and set a day to meet with her when you feel you can cope/deal with all of her complaining.

Don't loose you because of her. Perhaps after the birth she will get back to her old self.

the other S.

PS Keep in touch but at a distance. She sounds very draining emotionally.

My sister is this way to her husband, and it drives us batty. We have actually stopped seeing them so much, because it gets pretty old, and you can't tell her anything. And he takes it, most of the time. You can try to talk to her, but I think it is all about control. My sister's first husband left her, and she got worse after that. I think she acts that way, as a front and to show she is not weak. When actually she is weak to a point. I don't know if there is much you can do. And being pregnant doesn't make you belittle your husband, especially in front of friends.

Tread very lightly.

She is hormonal. She does not feel well.

Just listen to her and sympathize.

If you go too one sided she will misinterpret things and push you away. Or she will later be embarrassed and push you away, or she will feel judged and push you away..

Be Switzerland and just listen and tell her you understand. Do not take sides with husband or her. This is their pregnancy. It will not be like any one else . Be happy for them and just smile and nod.. And reassure them it all sounds normal and you understand.

Other than passing along coping tips, the only thing you can really tell someone having awful morning sickness is- "I'm sorry, I know how much it sucks. Just remember that it ends eventually, and take it a day at a time." Maybe her husband is the one that really understands where she is coming from and honestly appreciates your support. If you can be supportive of her, go for it. If you really think that she is just being a brat, only you know if you have the kind of relationship where you can call her on it. I have to admit that the "morning sickness means baby is healthy" thing didn't do much for me. That early in the pregnancy, especially with my first, the baby was such an abstract concept that I just couldn't wrap me mind around my current misery ending in a healthy baby nearly a year in the future. Big picture, of course I was happy about the pregnancy and the healthy baby. But in any given moment, I just wanted the 24-7 nausea to stop.

Also, my husband and I have what may seem like a contentious relationship to others- we "bicker" and tease each other quite a bit, but that is our way and we have been married for 13 years :)

I'm with Birds on this one, but maybe not SO direct. I would say something like, "geesh, you'd think you'd be happy you are finally pregnant after all you went through and not complain about every little thing, you make it very hard to be around." I don't think you need to candy coat it anymore. And I would remind her that if she is only 6 weeks along, she is not out of the miscarry stage and should try to not stress and relax. That's a tough one. Good luck.

Proverbs 21:19 (KJV)
It is better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and an angry woman.

Ouch.

I feel sorry for her husband. She's got to reign herself in and not use "feeling sick" as an excuse to let out every foolish thought or angry vent in her head.

Proverbs 14:1 (KJV)
The wise woman builds her house,
but the foolish pulls it down with her hands.

You could be like Switzerland and not say anything as she destroys her own house. Or you could speak up. Be a mirror. Don't accuse her. Try to point it out.

But she sounds off the rails and probably won't listen. At least you tried.

If the direct approach doesn't work, you can try just calling her on stuff on the spot, as calmly as possible. She'll lash out at you though and you might be tempted to write her off forever. Hopefully, when the dust settles and she comes back to her senses, she will apologize to you and everyone around her.

More Bible quotes on fools.
http://www.openbible.info/topics/fool

She has rage. I don't know the source of it.

If you want to continue to support this friend, I would make sure to talk about things other than babies and pregnancies. Irritability and moodiness are symptoms of pregnancy just like morning sickness (although not a pleasant one for everyone else), but it will likely improve as she moves out of the 1st trimester. Her husband probably understands this and is willing to just overlook it. And it will hopefully pass soon enough. Hang in there....

Try not to get too wrapped up in the emotions of all of your friends. That's great if your friend's hubby is taking her mood swings in stride. You should too. Keep in mind that she is probably totally anxious that this pregnancy will end in a loss, just like her last one. It's hard to be happy when the road to parenthood is so difficult. Just plot a steady course for yourself and lend a sympathetic ear to your friends if you have the energy for it.

I think that you should call her out on her behavior. When she cries on your shoulder or when you witness it, let her hear or see your disapproval. Don't just wag your finger; talk about that. Stop trying to paint a silver lining. When people are complaining, you can't reach them with that. Tell her that she is being a brat. You are her friend, right?

I guess go with the old advice of using "I..." statements, not "you..." statements. Instead of you are a PITA, You keep whining etc. go ahead and say what is in your mind, "I feel so sad for X who had a miscarriage". Every time she brings up how sick she feels, go ahead and say, I cant stop worrying about X who lost her baby last month. If she complains that you are making her feel bad, apologize and say I'm sorry was I being insensitive. (model thinking of others)