When to Announce Your Pregnancy???

Updated on October 20, 2008
J.M. asks from Irwin, PA
35 answers

I had a miscarriage in April when I was 14wks pregnant and now I'm finally pregnant again! I just don't know when I should announce this pregnancy to our family and friends. I feel that I just want to wait until we hear its heart beat,reassuring me that my risk of miscarriage has gone down. Plus last time when I announced it to the family everyone was so excited so when we lost the baby it was not only a let down for me and my husband but also the rest of the family. Lately I've been really sick and not feeling well and its hard hiding that from the family. Its also hard not having anyone to discuss the things that I'm feeling with, like how sick I really do feel and how much it is effecting me, and not to mention how scared I am that I might lose this baby too. I have my husband but to be honest, we work different shifts and only see each other in the mornings on the weekends and he is a guy.... he has never been pregnant so its just not the same. I definitely am not sure when to let the rest of the family know that I'm pregnant. I just wanted to know what other moms felt about when to let the family know about a pregnancy.

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So What Happened?

Thanks everyone so much for your responses and support. Today I had my first OB appointment and things went great! When they were imputing all my information the assistant said that the DR would give me and ultra sound. I was so scared and excited at the same time. I was scared that she would find bad news but excited that I might get to see a tiny baby (I'm only 10wks). As it turned out I got to see a tiny baby and he/she was waving and moving around and you could see the little chest moving as its heart was beating. I even got to get a little picture of the baby. The doctor said that my risk of miscarriage has gone down significantly, which makes me feel so much better, but I still don't think that I'm ready to shout my pregnancy from the roof tops or anything. Instead I think I'll keep it to myself for a bit longer and maybe copy that picture I got and send it out to the family with little cards saying congrats on being grandparent(s)/ aunt again, see you all in MAY. I liked that idea that some one said! Thanks again everyone!

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M.B.

answers from Reading on

J.,

Maybe you could tell just one or two at first, the ones that you are the closest to, or just tell them matter of factly, like when you happen to talk to them for some other reason. Instead of calling everyone to make that specific announcement, just tell them when you happen to talk to them about something else. Whatever the case, it's best not to stress over it.

M.

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M.S.

answers from Philadelphia on

Every time I've been pregnant, I am so excited and tell everyone right away! I have 3 children,lost one to miscarriage and I'm currently pregnant with #4 and final baby. The one good thing, for me, when I had my miscarriage there was support from everyone and I didn't have to mourn the loss alone. It's definitely a very personal decision as to whether you tell anyone, so go with your gut and weigh the pros and cons. I wish you the best and good luck with this pregnancy! I'll pray you have a full term healthy baby!!

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R.S.

answers from Allentown on

I had a miscarriage after my first child. When I got pregnant again I was scared also. A lot of people have went through and are going through the same thing.
I would suggest telling your close friends and family. It is not very likely that you would have a second miscarriage if you have no medical issues. Many people have just one, and that's it. Again, that is barring that you have no medical issues thta can cause multiple miscarriages.
Just sit back and enjoy that you are having another baby. Worrying and thinking negatively won't help anything.
Good Luck!!

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F.V.

answers from Lancaster on

J.,
You said yourself that you want to wait until after you hear a heartbeat so why not wait till then. Find one good friend or relative to confide in and let them know to not say a word until you do and are ready.
Christina

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M.C.

answers from Philadelphia on

I am so sorry for your loss. I also had a miscarriage with my first pregnancy at 6 weeks and that was devastating enough. Since it was our first, we were so excited and told our immediate family right away. Then when the miscarriage happened, we had to tell everyone and it was very hard on all of us. I also work as a nurse at a hospital so I had to tell my co-workers early on because of possible environmental exposures, etc. so I had to tell them also when the miscarriage happened.

But we made it through and thankfully I became pregnant again 3 months later and now we have a beautiful healthy 21 month old son. I too was very concerned at the beginning and had some spotting at around 6 weeks again and thought for sure I was losing the baby. My dr. put me on bedrest for the weekend and I was monitored closely for the first couple of months to make sure things were ok. I also had an ultrasound at about 6 weeks that showed the heartbeat and I felt so much better.

We waited until about 4 months to tell everyone because I wanted to be sure everything was ok. If I were you, I would probably wait to tell "the masses" until after 14 weeks for your own peace of mind. However, I would suggest telling a close friend or family member and insist that they do not share the news with anyone.

I also hope that your family is supportive and will give you the encouragement you need in this high anxiety time. And remember, it's not your fault that the miscarriage happened. Everything in this life happens for a reason. Try to relax as much as you can and have faith that this pregnancy is truly out of your hands and whatever is meant to be will be. Please feel free to email me directly at any time if you need support at [email protected]____.com luck and congrats on your pregnancy!

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B.W.

answers from Erie on

It's really going to be up to you -- whatever you feel comfortable with. If you share the pregnancy and you have another miscarriage, they will share your pain, but they will also know to be supportive. If you don't tell ? I know people who have waited past the former miscarriage week to tell, but then again, sometimes the baby shows by then, so you have to tell anyway.

Two stories: I had a miscarriage. When I was in the ER, the obstetrician told me that my chances of having a normal pregnancy before the miscarriage were 3 to 1. 75%. My chances after having a miscarriage ? 75% of pregnancies are normal, and the fat that I'd had a miscarriage didn't change anything. That's the good news.

when my sister was prenant with #2, she was sick all 9 months, poor thing. But during that pregnancy she had 3 or 4 friends who had miscarriages. . . so she used to lie on the couch, felling miserable, while she watched her 2 yr old play on the LR floor, and when she felt her worst, she'd think, "I wouldn't feel this sick if I weren't still pregnant."

So, when you feel horrible, remember that the sickness is reminding you your body IS pregnant, and that's a good thing. It's also great to work from home, because you can deal with feeling sick without a whole office full of people watching.

Take each day as it comes, and share when you feel comfortable sharing. Sooner or later the family will figure it out, even if you don't tell them yourself. :-)

and good luck !

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R.R.

answers from Philadelphia on

J.: I went through the very same thing. I lost my first at 11 weeks, after I had just told everyone. My second pregnancy, I waited until I was 15 or 16 weeks before I let people know. Although your husband is a man(obvious), he has feelings too. Nothing made my husband more upset when I told him "you just don't understand, it's not your body", try to see it from his perspective. The miscarraige happened to him as well, and I am sure he is just as excited as you are. good luck.

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D.P.

answers from Pittsburgh on

Hi J.,
Congratulations! I think I can relate to what you are going through. I had 3 miscarriages before I had my son. It's a terrible enough thing to go through but when everyone else knows you were pregnant, it makes it extra hard. It's like everyone grieves. I would wait until you are about 4 mos. pregnant as I believe that most misses happen before then. Plus, for everyone else, it won't seem like they are waiting FOREVER for the new baby! :-)
Please remember, just because you've had a miscarriage in the past, that does not mean that THIS pregnancy won't be perfect, healthy and wonderful, ending up with a sweet bundle after 40 weeks. Hang in there and try to savor your "secret" with your husband for a while longer..... I also liked the idea about choosing O. trusted person to confide in--but be sure their lips are (and will stay) sealed! God bless!

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J.M.

answers from Pittsburgh on

Hi J.,

CONGRATS on your pregnancy! It is really a personal decision if you choose to tell your family or not about the pregnancy. If it were me, I would probably tell my immediate family and my best friend now and then tell everyone else once you are a little further along. You will need support, especially if something should happen, so you will want your close friends and your family to be there for you.

Congrats again!
J.

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L.K.

answers from Philadelphia on

I am no expert, but I had a miscarriage over the summer. It would have been #3 for me. My husband and I were both devastated. We hadn't told that many people about the pregnancy. I am trying again, and I have to say that this time I'm probably going to tell most people the second I know I'm pregnant. The miscarriage was so traumatic that I seemed to need to talk about it with anyone and everyone, so it might as well be the case that they knew I was pregnant to begin with. There is also a tiny part of me that thinks that both my husband and I might have known it wasn't right because we told everyone straight away with numbers 1 and 2. There's even a tinier part of me that thinks that that little soul didn't feel welcome because we hadn't publicly acknowledged it. Good luck. At 14 weeks that must've been so painful, yucky and hard. I'm so sorry that it happened to you. It always turns out that most people you know have been through it, but noone tells you how physically horrible it is....It was like labor for me.

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J.P.

answers from Harrisburg on

Hi J. ~ Is there a close friend/sister/aunt who could support you until the time is right to let everyone know? Husbands are great but like you said they are guys. As far as timing, I believe that you and your husband will know when that is and I'm sure that the family will understand in your waiting. Praying for you, your family and this new little blessing.
blessings ~ J.

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S.M.

answers from Philadelphia on

J.,

I'm so sorry for your loss. I miscarried my first pregnancy at about 6 weeks. We hadn't told anyone yet, so I didn't really have a lot of real life support around me. I think the whole ezperience was more devastating for that.

When we got pregnant with our daughter, I started telling people right away. I knew, consciously, that superstitions aside, whether or not I tell people I'm pregnant has absolutely zero to do with whether or not I would miscarry my pregnancy. By telling people early, I made sure that if I were to miscarry again, I would have the support around me that I didn't have the first time. I actually posted my furst ultrasound, 5 weeks 3 days, on the fridge at work to announce it.

S.

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J.Y.

answers from Philadelphia on

Hi J.,
I think this is a very personal decision, with no right or wrong answer. As a mom who's gone through 5 miscarriages (4 before my 1rst daughter, and 1 before my 2nd), I've been in your situation many times - wondering when to announce a pregnancy. The one thing that held true every time was that I wanted those closest to me (mom, sister, best friend) to know I was pregnant so that I could share my feelings, fears, joy, hope, and possibly grief with them, should a loss occur. The way I see it, if you'd tell your family or closest friend that you HAD a miscarriage, why not tell them before it happens so they can share in your grief and SUPPORT you if needed?! Grief is a very hard thing to bear without support. And yes, my husband WAS supportive, but NOT in the way a girlfriend/mom/sister can be. I don't understand keeping pregnancy a secret from your closest relatives and friends. With that said, after my 2nd loss, I never told acquaintances such as coworkers, neighbors, & causal friends about my pregnancies until I was well past the first trimester - somewhere around 16-18wks. I did not want to have to talk about my loss with anyone that I wasn't extrememly close with - it was too painful, but it HELPED me to be able to share that pain with my mom, sister, and BF.
Hope this helps!

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J.K.

answers from Philadelphia on

With my first pregnancy we decided to keep it a secret until the end of the first trimester and when I had a miscarriage before that we ended up telling everyone as we both needed the support of family. When we got pregnant the second time we decided to throw caution to the wind and tell everyone right away. We knew if things went bad again we would reach out for support so we figured why not try to enjoy the moment and it was great! Each person is different and you have to do what is best for you. I thought that first miscarriage would destroy me but now I am expecting my third and it really has been great. Since I miscarried for the first I asked my doctor to do an internal ultrasound at 8 weeks for reassurance that there was a heartbeat and he did. Maybe you could check into that. Good luck.

M.S.

answers from Pittsburgh on

So sorry to hear about your miscarriage! I have five losses and finally, a newborn. Each pregnancy was different for me, as far as when I wanted to share the info. Even with the last pregnancy, who gave us this child, it started rough, lost a fraternal twin, was hospitalized 4x and he arrived 2mos early - I told 2 close friends right away for support, then told other friends & family at 14wks, but still didn't make a big announcement or tell 'the masses'.

You know who you can trust, who is in your support system, and I would go with your gut on who to tell and when. Good luck & HUGS!

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C.Y.

answers from Philadelphia on

having gpne thru my babygirl being stillborn i know what u feel.when we got ptrgnant again i was 40 we waited until the 20 week scan to tell except for my mom so i had her she understood my concerns i also joined a support group online,women pregnant after a loss and that was wonderful they understand fears etc.my miracle baby anthony turns 5 in 2 weeks and we are all still close friends online

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J.F.

answers from Philadelphia on

I lost my 1st preg at 18 weeks. I went on to have 3 healthy little girls. I say announce it when you are ready. Good luck to you and congrats on your pregnancy!

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A.S.

answers from Allentown on

With my first pregnancy, I announced at 10 weeks after we had seen the heartbeat and miscarried shortly after. Then we told immediate family and waited until 15-16 weeks to tell friends and extended family. While I wanted to share my news, I could not stand to tell everyone about a miscarriage if it were to happen, so the fewer people whi knew the beter. I am 22 weeks pg right now and I announced to most family and friends only 2 weeks ago! Most were shocked I waited so long. We told our immediate family, parents & siblings, almost immediately because I needed help, I was so sick. Then we told people as we saw them and as needed. I belong to an online forum where you can talk with people in your same situation, it's really great, and helped with not telling people b/c I was talking about it daily. I belong to a due date forum for Spring 2009 Babies (which they consider February oddly enough). There are forums for everything, if you'd like more info just email me. Even though I've been through all of this before, it's still great to talk with people going through the exact same thing.

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L.H.

answers from Philadelphia on

Wait. If family asks why you are not feeling well then just tell them that you think that u are fighting a cold off. It is that time of the year for the flu and everything else.

Since this is going to be a hard time to tell the family again. Why not wait till you find the sex out? Then have the ultra sound done in a post card and mail it to the family. It might seem mean, but they will get over it. It is hard enough being prego and haveing to hear everyone put the concerns out on the table for you.

Either way! Try not to stress easier said then done. Each time that we carry a child is a specail gift that comes to us when we least expect one.

A.J.

answers from Williamsport on

Be happy not fearful. Pick a friend to confide in, and tell your family when you want to. No one will be disappointed with you no matter what you do or when you announce it. I know this pregnancy will go well, and the sickness will pass. Whenever you feel yourself feeling fear about losing this baby, Take deep breath, and repeat the prayer, "Thank you for this pregnancy, thank you for my life, thank you for my family, thank you for our health, protect this baby and wash the fear out of my heart...." Repeat and repeat until it passes. Do it as many times as you need to per day! Everything will be OK!

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A.D.

answers from Pittsburgh on

J.
I had a miscarriage about three years ago. It was hard and when I got pregnant about a year after the thought of having another was scarey. We decided to only tell my parents and certain siblings and my husbands mom. We want to keep things low but because I had an almost two year I was going to need some help. I was very sick with this pregnacy. Everyone kept reassuring me that being sick was a good thing and that it meant the baby was heathly. You and your husband need to sit down and talk about how sick you are and that you need someone to talk with. Its nice to have someone there to talk to and to help you out if you need it since you have a two year old. If you need to chat email me [email protected]____.com you feel better soon. You will be in my prayers.

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K.S.

answers from Pittsburgh on

I would not wait. If something were to happen to this pregnancy, you would want your family and friends to support you and grieve with you. I think they would be upset if you lost a baby and didn't tell them. And while this baby doesn't replace the one you lost, they will be glad that you are having another one, and chances are everything will go well this time. I know from personal experience--I lost a baby boy at 20 weeks, and then after another healthy pregnancy, lost a baby at about 11 weeks. We have 3 children now, and we talk about our "other" children with them from time to time as they ask. It happens to alot more people than you know, and probably some of your family and friends have gone thru this as well.

Best wishes on your decision....

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E.S.

answers from Pittsburgh on

I haven't been in this situation personally, but a very close friend went through it twice before she had a second child. The first one she told everyone at 8 wks and she said it was excruciating to have to tell everyone she lost the baby. Then when she got pregnant again she waited for almost 15 weeks, started telling people, but soon lost the baby. She said it hurt just as much, whether people knew or not. So my advice to you is to tell people when you're comfortable. Good luck to you!

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D.W.

answers from Philadelphia on

I understand. i had a miscarriage at 10 weeks and five months later got pregnant with my son. i just told my family and a few close friends. i did not say anything at work til i was 16 weeks along because i wanted to make sure everything was alright. i know you do not want to hear this with being sick but that is a good sign. it means your hormone levels are good. tell your best friend and your family. tell them not to say anything. all will be well. take care of yourself and congratulations.

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M.D.

answers from Scranton on

Hey: Be postitive and all will turn postitive! Most mention they are pregnant after their third trimester, that's when the miscarriage tendency is less likely. At this time of the year---to avoid telling, you could always blame it on ...allergies or just sniffles.
Best of luck.

M.

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J.G.

answers from Philadelphia on

There is no rule on this. It's whenever you feel comfortable. You can wait to hear the heartbeat to tell your family and wait until you get through your first trimester to tell everyone else. It's really a personal choice. Best of luck to you.

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C.J.

answers from Harrisburg on

I would wait till you hear the heart beat. You could make little cards out, or something announcing it a cute way like...."Sorry I wont be here to celebrate christmas this year, but you can expect me to be born on or around...(insert due date) then sign it "The newest addition to ...(you and your hubbies name and kids)...it is really a great way to announce it.

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T.R.

answers from Philadelphia on

This is definitely an individual choice. i have had several miscarriages. I can tell you, from experience, that waiting to tell people is hard. my husband and I chose to do that for my son, and this current pregnancy. With my son, we waited until a third ultrasound, which was about 11 weeks. For this pregnancy, we waited until i was about 10 weeks. With the others, we just told them that we lost the baby, which was also difficult.

i have a friend, who has had several miscarriages, who still tells people right away, only because she wants people to know why she is acting the way she is. She also figures if something happens she can tell one person, and they can tell the rest.

What was really hard for me, all times, was that i had no one to talk to. The only ones who knew were my husban and doctor and every time i felt llike anything was wrong, I couldn't tell anyone. My husband, although extremely supportive and sympathetic (and in the medical field), just didn't truly understnad my anxiety, so he was not that much of a help. Luckily, my doctor's office doesn't think I'm too crazy, and they answer all of my questions.

So, i guess, you have to do what is best for you. If you need someone to talk to, i would tell someone. Like I said, it's not any easier not telling, because you would have to tell others about the loss anyway (which, I will keep my fingers crossed, will not happen again).

Sorry this was so long. Good luck with your decision.

T.

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A.H.

answers from Pittsburgh on

First of all Congradulations! A pregancy is definatley something to celebrate, even if it's just you and your hubby right now. Many people have already chimed in on when you should let family and friends know, and it's definatley your choice.
I just wanted to suggest that an online support group, or even a group like International Mom's Club would help have more support. They're great things for building lasting friends and support for you and your 2 year old to have friends to play with, and the little one when he/she arrives.
Good luck and God Bless!

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R.L.

answers from Pittsburgh on

Hi J.,

Congratulations on the baby! I have been where you are (I have had 3 miscarriages) and I have found it best to wait until the beginning of the second trimester, when the risk is significantly lower. I know it is hard to have to carry around such a secret for so long, but in the end it saves everyone (especially yourself) a lot of grief. I hated to have to walk around with everyone feeling sorry for me or saying the wrong things, instead of allowing me to do what I needed to do to get through it.

Good luck to you!

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L.R.

answers from Philadelphia on

I think that if you really want to tell the family you should I am sure they were supportive when you had a miscarriage so they will understand if you explain to them not to tell anyone slse until you reach the full 3 months. Use your judgement and trust.It is hard to keep such exciting news from family.Goodluck and remember the extra pregnancy hormones make you feel so sick and that is a very good sign !!!

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D.H.

answers from Philadelphia on

Having been through IVF, and all the feelings of loss that can come with that, believe me, I was in no hurry to tell people either. I told my parents, but asked them not to tell anyone-and I let them know how serious I was about it. I didn't even want to tell my one sibling. My problem was that between always wanting to stop and sleep, it was hard to explain that. I just said I didn't get enough sleep last night or something, and then tuned them out while wishing I could just go in another room and sleep. At my job at the time, I brought in crackers and casually mentioned that my stomach was bothering me a little and I didn't want to get sick there. Some may have been suspicious, but lucky for me didn't say anything-maybe they didn't know what to say, and they knew more of our circumstances. At work it did cause some issue with people not understanding me (not wanting to shout it from the rooftops) or telling my boss for employment-related reasons, but I didn't care that much. My reasons were more important to me. I did eventually write a letter to my boss, explaining a little, but I don't know how it was received. I've been a SAHM mom ever since, partly due to my diminished availability.

Anyway, I know you've gotten a lot of feedback on this already. Just think of ways you can avoid the subject until you are ready. With me it was more like 4-5 months, and then my husband asked me if I was going to wait until I was 9 months and in labor to finally announce it! It got to the point where I knew I had to be showing some to finally tell them.

But that's how I handled it. It wasn't easy, but then once the baby started kicking it felt better! Maybe that's the confirmation you need--to wait till you feel it kick!

Considering that family knew what we had been through with IVF, they were pretty understanding about not telling people until we said they could and about our wanting to wait to tell even them. I think yours will be too. Or they should!

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K.B.

answers from Pittsburgh on

I'm so sorry that you went through a miscarriage. I had a first trimester miscarriage as well, and agree it is hard to know when to share again. First thing I would do though is tell your doctor that you are nervous about miscarring again and ask if they can do a viability US. I had one at 7 weeks and it made me so much less crazy about everything! I think you have been brave to wait this long! Noone should have to deal with all these emotions without talking about it with family and friends, so I would tell a few key people that you know you can count on for support and conversations. Also congrats on your new pregnancy! And although it sounds cliche, a lot of people miscarry once and then never have any more trouble, try not to worry!

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S.G.

answers from Saginaw on

I also had a miscarriage and got pregnant right away again. I thought I wouldnt tell anyone just in case but I am a blabber mouth! I would tell people when you are ready. Maybe you shouldnt tell everyone but maybe tell your mom or sister and ask them to keep it quiet from everyone else until you are ready to share with them. You need someone to talk to and confind in that isnt your husband because like you said he is a guy. So good luck with your pregnancy I hope everytyhing goes wonderful for you and your family!

B.K.

answers from Pittsburgh on

Hi J., Why don't you just tell your parents? Or your best friend Then you can talk though things with someone. It's really hard trying to go through all of this on your own. I know when my SIL got pregnant the second time (we lost the first) she didn't tell anyone until she was past the 20 week mark because she was afraid and couldn't deal with another loss herself as well as the grief of the family again. Now my nephew is a healthy happy 5yr old, and she wishes she would have shared some of her fear in those early weeks. Congrats and best wishes!

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