Trouble with In-Laws

I understand a bit. I have a SIL that is very similar. Last time was getting my sleeping nb up, without asking, so she could hold him. The whole family was sick at the time. We do limit our connections with them and usually just the boy our son's age. Now we have two ready to play, but that issue hasn't risen yet. We do a lot at parks and other large areas where trading sicknesses is going to be less likely. I don't take toys, just let the kids play on the playground, so there's nothing to wash. You might consider finding some literature and giving it to them and specifically mention these circumstances. "When you did _______, it gave me ______. This literature will help you understand why it is so important for me to not to be exposed to illnesses. It would mean a lot to me if you would take the time to read this and ask me if you have any further questions." Their response will be very telling of how much contact you should have with them in the future.

I just wanted to say I'm sorry for your in-law's inconsiderate behavior. My mom also has R.A. I live a 6 hour drive away from her and she doesn't get to see her grandsons often. I had planned a trip to see her, but one of my boys fell ill with a common cold, and no matter how badly I wanted to see her, we had to postpone our trip- FOR HER!!! Exposing her to illness is not only inconsiderate, it's DANGEROUS! I don't know if there's different severities of R.A. but my mom can't even be around the kids after they've had immunizations.

I guess a good question would be, "Do I want my 3 year old to know that side of the family even if it means risking my health? My life?" Auto-immune disorders are nothing to mess with. My guess is your 3 year old needs YOU more than your in-laws. I''ve had other family members who have asked my mom to watch their kids KNOWING that they've been sick and it just doesn't seem to click to them that a cold virus could be deadly to my mother. Do what you have to do to protect yourself.

I do feel for your situation, although I do not have RA, I do have in-laws that sometimes seem to be a little hard of hearing. No matter how many times I seem to let them know of an issue, they always seem to forget. I have had issues from his mom telling me what she did was always better, to her criticizing everything when she comes over, why is this that way? you should put this couch over there! She has even moved my furniture around when I wasn't home. They do seem to listen when my husband says something to them, so I have gotten to the point of letting him deal with them. I am still cordial, and after a year, she got the point, and is now more respectful of my feelings and my space. During this time I always let the kids call once a week, and visit whenever they were asked to come over, because they are and always will be their grandparents. I wouldn't go as far as to say they aren't welcome, but try to figure out a way to spend time with them other than them visiting your home. You could meet for lunch, or plan a day at the zoo or park.

You're the mom, and they must at least listen to what you say. If they don't like it, it's tough for them. I think they'll resent you for cutting them out completely. But you absolutly have a need here. I just recently told my mother in law that if anyone was sick, they were not to come (they drive all the way up from SLC too) because my 19m old is VERY easy to get sick. She totally understood. Maybe your inlaws don't understand the full extent of your condition. Good luck!

I wouldn't cut ties completely myself but I would SERIOUSLY limit your interaction with them. Decide what ways you'd still like to spend time with them and what ways you don't and then talk to your DH about it and see how he feels so that you can both be okay with it and he can totally support you in it. This is a situation where it is probably best that he discuss the new ways things are going to be with his family. My DH and I have an agreement that with very few exceptions he deals with any issues with his family and I do with mine, it's worked out really well for us this way.

This is a really hard decision to have to make but your family and health come first and if your In-laws can't respect your needs then you need to keep them from being able to do you or your family any harm.

Good luck, my prayers are with you.

You are definately in tough spot. You are correct to think about your health and your families. You are the only one who will. Visits may be better during warmer times of the year when people are less likely to be ill and you can keep the windows open. You have gotten a lot of good advice from others. I would strongly suggest your entire family get on the best quality nutritional support you can, for your health and theirs. I am an RN, BSN who can help you with the #1 products both for children and adults. RA responds well to cellular nutrition and you may feel better then ever! P.

Dear C.,

I think that if you wore a surgical or other face mask when they are around that might protect you from some of the air borne illnesses that could come your way, and it might also catch the in-laws attention. We have several members of my in-laws family that get sick easily like you, and most of us are very mindful to avoid them when we have even the sniffles. You don't have to break ties with them altogether, maybe your husband could take your children to visit and clean them up before they come and kiss you hello again. You can remain present but distant by using the phone and internet or even the good ol postal service. You might also want to try Herbalife their line of immune system products is AMAZING!! My friend Helen who has RA is very much healthy and alive again. You could look up Val B from Lehi on mamasource and she can help you out with that.

Best of luck to you!
V.

Ugh, I'm sorry about the sickness.

I consider myself pretty educated about a lot of chronic conditions, but I have to admit I had no idea that people with RA were so sensitive to illness. I guess if I'd sat down and really thought about it, it would've clicked, but I didn't. My point is, are you sure that your ILs understand just how critical it is that you are exposed to as little germs as possible?

I would sit down and talk with them individually. Tell them how important it is to you to maintain a good relationship and see them frequently. But let them know how a common, mild cold for anyone else can be devastating health-wise for you. If you have any literature from a doctor pointing this out, that would be nice to give out too.

Tell them that in the future, please don't come around you or your family unless everyone is totally healthy. Let them know that if they have to cancel at the last minute because of illness, you won't be angry or upset, you'll be touched that they were considerate enough to be watching out for your health.

I do think that once your daughter enters school you are going to be in for some tough times healthwise- those elementary kids are GERMY! But, don't cross that bridge til you have to.

I don't know anything about R.A. Unfortunately, you can choose your friends but you can't choose your family. I don't think estranging yourself from the in-laws is a solution. What does that teach your children about problem solving? I think you need to educate your in-laws about your health condition. I don't know if it is they don't care --- but perhaps they don't understand. I believe communication is very important. But you do need to take measures to protect you and your family. Limit (don't eliminate) your contact. But when in contact practice good hand washing. Keep your distance. Maybe even wear a mask? Good luck.

First I want to say that I am sorry about your condition, but I wanted to point out something before you decide to kick the in-laws to the curb. Fifth disease can come from anywhere and there was no way your SIL could of know about the exposure, a friends son got it and we have no clue from where, the 4 year old could of been carrying it along or maybe your DD just got it on her own. As to the colds, once your DD starts school be prepeared for everything and anything to come home, children of SAHM's who aren't out there and exposed have a really hard time with colds and the flu, mistake I learned the hard way with my oldest 2, it isn't a mistake I make anymore, of course with my older ones in the house my littlier ones get exposed a lot sooner so by the time they start school I am not having such a hard time with them.

Family is so important to a child even the crazy ones and not so thoughful ones, it is there heritage. If I didn't believe this my kids would have no grandparents and aunts and uncles (another story). Don't be so eager to cut them out just cause your husband doesn't have a strong relationship with them it should be his choice if that is what is going to happen they are his family and he should break the ties. Are you willing to hurt them? Are you willing to hurt your DD? Are you relly willing to walk away from people who although careless love your DD? Just my point of view, and I wish you luck in your choices!

C., you are brave to consider cutting ties with these people, and I commend you, because many women are too wimpy to make such an obvious decision. Fortunately, there's an in-bewteen step to saving this relationship if you want to give it a try.

You can tell them up front, again, that their illnesses spread like wildfire in your home and endanger your very existence, and ask once more that they only visit when no one's sick. Then, when they arrive, the moment you notice that someone's got a bug, gather up the coffee cups, etc. and tell them you're so sorry that you can't visit today, but let's reschedule. They'll be shocked and offended, but they'll probably slowly come around to this idea.

I'm so glad that you are pro-active. I love people like that.

HI C.,
I wanted to share some health info with you, that could be very valuable to you, and your inlaws.
This is about your body chemistry, and the acid-alkaline balance. There is a book called, "pH Miracle" by Dr. Robert Young".
We know how to take care of our hot tubs and pools so "bugs" don't grow in them, by monitering the pH of the water. The same is true for our bodies. The way you check your pH is to pee in a cup and dip in a pH strip, match the color the strip turns to the color chart. Most health food stores have pH strips and info about this.
If your body pH were 7.3, your arthritis would be MUCH improved and probably go away. You would rarely or never get a cold. I haven't had a cold for 5 years now, ever since I "alkalized" my body. Also, in the 1930s a doctor named Otto Warburg won a Nobel Prize for proving that cancer cells cannot survive in an alkaline environment.
One way to alkalize is with a health tonic that contains marine phyto-plankton, microscopic plants that come from the ocean. Go to www.whyplankton.com and watch a video called "Another Day". But there are many other ways too.
If this interests you call me, ###-###-#### with any questions. It is not hard to alkalize, I don't even consider myself a "health nut".
Families can spend their time having fun instead of being miserable and sick!
God Bless you,
M. McDonald

C.,
I don't know what to tell you about the in-laws. I also have Rheumatoid Arthritis. The first two years I got EVERYTHING!! I know how frustrating it is-no fun! It is much better now. I have had it for 6 years. We wash hands a lot and use a lot of hand sanitizer. I used to get everything my kids got but I don't anymore. My kids are 9, 7, and 3. Maybe you should buy some medical masks and ask people to wear them around you. Then they will atleast know you are serious! Good luck.

R. M.

One suggestion may be that you politely ask them to wash or sanitize their hands upon entering your home due to your health (supply Purel at the door). Another suggestion may be to ask them not to come over if they are sick or recovering but they are welcome any other time and remind them why. Another possibility is that they are under-informed about what it is your dealing with, brochures or an article from the internet may help.

Has your husband piped in with his family? I have a very difficult family and my now ex husband, who is wanting back in the picture, has always hated to be around them (for similar selfish reasons-my family). Deep down inside, I DON'T want to cut ties. Your husband may not be close, but may resent you deep down inside if you are the one to cut the ties. I think it has to be him that even brings that subject up and although you may not like it, you may need to be the silent supporting type. Your health should be number one and you should voice your frustration and need for support to your husband. You are however the outlaw, so your husband needs to step it up on speaking up. If he does and it still does nothing, then unfortunately you probably will need to cut ties, but I wouldn't advise that just yet.

C.,
I have not read all the other posts yet so I hope I'm not repeating things...but I have to say that I have extreme Cat allergies, and my in-laws have Cats. So we cut off ties with them and went through a really horrible year without them. My husband was not close with his family, but it still felt wrong. We then decided to work things out and have set up certain boundaries...like not hugging them and not going to their house. Which has worked out great and we are able to have a relationship without damaging my health. We have also had to do the same thing for my son who has worse allergies then I do.

I would do everything you could to make things work, but ultimately remember that your health is more important then the relationship with them! Also, kids share so many allergies, as wonderful as you were to watch the kids...I would make a strict no babysitting rule during cold/flu season! You never know if someone is in the beginning stages and contagious.

My Dear C.,
If your husband is not close to his family, the I would most definately tell them, if the guidelines you have set forth to them about visiting, due to your health problems, then they are NO LONGER WELCOME.
I mean come on.
You and your little family have got to be the Priority here.
They sound like a bunch of inconsiderate users.
As for your 3 year old getting to know that side of the family.
Well, I would think about that twice also.
I mean, do you really want her to act like such a jerk when she gets older.
No way, I wouldn't let that kind of inconsideration around my young child.
I am a 59 year old woman, who raised 3 sons and 2 stepdaughters, and have 10 beautiful grandchildren and have 2 great grandchildren, with another on the way.
So you hang in there Sweetie, stick to your guns about what you want around you with your illness.
You suffer enough, believe I know what you go through, myself having RA, with some jerky people contributing to it.

You will regret breaking ties with them. But you need to be very clear about your health. Even if you have to ask them to leave if they show up to your house sick. While you do need to make your health and your children's health a number one priority, cutting ties to family (even in-laws) is not a good idea. You want your children to have a relationship with their grandparents, even if your husband isn't close to his family. But if they refuse to take health into consideration and ignore your condition, then you will have to limit visits. That may get the message across. Also, give them some literature about your condition. Show them that it is real and you are not a hypocondriac. If they are better eduacated about it, they might be more considerate.

Just to start. Good luck! This is such a hard subject. I don't have an immune disease, but my in-laws are the same way when it comes to being sick... they just don't realize (or care) when they are sick, as long as they get what they want (to see their grandchildren). It makes me sooooo mad when they show up sick. The last time I had just got over pneumonia and I'm pregnant, with a 1 year old who was getting over a cold and my father-in-law shows up with pneumonia that he had been dianosed just 1 day earlier. He was kissing and hugging my son and breathing in his face. I nearly lost it. We have told them over and over not to visit when they sick. I don't know if they don't understand or if they don't care. But they are still family. YES, your families health comes first. I think that you should have some ties with family. But you have every right to say "No, you can't come over, no we aren't going with you." Hopefully if you set ground rules and are tough on the family, they will understand the importance and learn to respect your rules and your family. If they don't learn, I wouldn't cut all ties, but you have the right to distance yourself. I hope all works out for the best.

Hi C.,

I think it's unfortunate that your in-laws are so inconsiderate regarding your health issues, and that they aren't concerned about your child's health either. Because RA can be so debilitating if you become ill with almost any other disease process, I think you really have to be quite selfish and perhaps even go as far as to not let them in your house if they stop by and are obviously sick. Your in-laws may know you have RA, but you could try giving them some more specific information to try and reinforce how important it is for you to be as healthy as possible. If they aren't willing to hear the information, then you really have no choice but to limit their exposure to your family. We all realize that kids will bring illnesses home from preschool, or gradeschool when they begin, and we are all exposed to a variety of things even just when grocery shopping, but that doesn't mean that others have the right to knowingly bring those exposures into your home when you're at an increased risk of contracting an illness. It's your health, your ability to care for your family, and your home that they're effecting, so it's important that you are firm with them on this issue. If they're offended, too bad. They'll either get over it or they won't, but that's up to them. I hope all works out well for you!!

pray for help. no better person to get advise from than God.

Hey C.!
Ok, I used to get sick anytime I was around anyone that had a cold or ANYTHING! It would get me down for a long time. I have found that building up an immune system is the best. Echinecea, cats claw, elderberry, vit c, teas and Odwallas "green drink" are all extremely helpful! I dont know if you have a Whole foos market or a good vitamin store (excluding GNC) If you ask anyone in the vitamin dept, they are usually a GREAT resource for ideas. Last year my husband and i did a liver cleanse and my husband has not been sick at all and I have been sick twice. Both completely manageable. I know that if I feel like something is coming on and start taking the things I suggested above I usually dont come down with whatever ailment it is that my body is fighting. I hope this helps! Good luck!

Hi, C. well I also have trouble this way. what i have found is to only alow my child to be around my in laws when they or she is healthy, if there is health concerns i just tell them that we cant do it. they get upset but if they want to stay a part of our lives they will deal with it.

C.,
Sorry to hear of your troubles. Family is important so set the guidlines again and remember to use lysol all over your house, it WORKS wonders. Also washing your hands and your childs will help. But looking to the future be prepared because your daughter or any future children will bring home EVERYTHING from school. So if you practice now with her on handwashing and spray lysol around your house it won't be so bad in the long run. Good luck to you in whatever you do.
K.