Toddler Education

Yelling at a toddler is like yelling at a rock or some inanimate object. It won't matter what you say or how loud you say it, it will still sit there and stare at you and not register a thing you say to him.

Right now you need to first be his mom. Forget the "friend" bit bc if you don't both your negative behaviors will start spilling over to when you are out in public or worse, when he starts school.

You are the mom. He isn't the boss and he needs to know it. You are in charge of his safety. If you can't teach him (kindly) to listen to you, what will happen if there is an emergency? Let him know you mean business. If you tell him not to do something and he does it anyway, let him know there will be consequences. The next time he doesn't listen, give him the consequence (at that age, time out only works for a minute or two).

Stick to a routine so he will know there are certain behaviors he needs to have every day. You are going to have to explain everything to him and show him how to do things every single day, almost every moment of the day. Once you can see he can start doing things on his own, then let him.

Try keeping his diet healthy and natural. No more processed foods. Only fruits, vegatables and whole grains. Water down his juice, no sodas, plain white milk - no flavored milk - etc.

Keep him busy. Keep him with you. Give him little jobs to do and let him help you while you do things. When he wakes up, have him hand you the diaper or have him hold the wipes for you. Let him walk with you to throw the dirty diaper in the trash. When its time to eat bfast, have him "set the table" by putting his napkin on the table and then gradually add in his spoon, cup, etc as he gets the hang of it. After he eats, have him help you clean up - give him a towel to clean off the chairs while you wipe down the table. When its time to put away toys, have him help you put them away, even if it means putting them in a basket. When you sweep, have him clean a corner w/the dustpan and brush. When you do laundry, give him a few wash cloths to fold while you are in there. When you make the bed, have him help you pull the covers off. I'm sure you get the picture.

The sooner you get him into a routine and he starts listening, the sooner you can spend time with him w/o having to worry about tantrums and yelling and then you can actually start to build that friendship with him that you want.

There are so many different issues in this one post -- how to handle tantrums; what to expect from attention spans at this age; discipline; time outs or not; how to build a relationship with your child, and more -- that I strongly recommend you get more advice than we can give here. You're asking basically for a full-on parenting class that covers everything, which is fine, but this isn't the place to get it. First, buy some good quality parenting books (How to Talk so Your Child Will Listen series, Jo Frost's supernanny series, many others) and also give some serious consideration to a parenting class. You are covering so many different things here that I think you could use some advice from someone who can meet you and your son and answer your questions in person.

There is NO shame to taking a parenting class (some parents seem to think they're only for other parents, whose kids are brats, but they are for all parents, especially those like you who are first-time parents). To find one, try your local hospital/health care system's outreach office; do a web search; ask at the local community center; etc.

A few quick things:

At his age he may concentrate for ONE minute, or two. Expecting him to concentrate for more than that is asking too much for his age and stage of development. If he concentrates for three or four minutes as you say, he is actually doing very well. Use books and a class to find out what is developmentally appropriate for his age and keep doing that as he gets older. If there is one, number one problem I see on Mamapedia, it's new moms not knowing what is "age-appopriate" behavior and having unrealistic expectations that their children should be able to do things that the kids simply cannot achieve yet. Getting bored quickly -- or more accurately, having a tiny attention span -- is perfectly, absolutely normal for his age! Have lots ready for him to do and see and let him explore safely in his own world.

Time out: He's too young. He will not connect his action with your reaction. He will not connect his action with the discipline of time out. Redirect him or distract him at this age; save time out for when he is older. I would not start them until about age three, myself. Kids MUST be able to understand that their action caused the consequence they get and it is a while before they are mentally able to make that connection. Again, get some good books about age and developmentally appropriate discipline.

You're doing the right thing when you just ignore tantrum behaviors at this age. Don't reinforce it by giving attention; ignore. And don't try to use time out or talk him out of it or take stuff away yet -- again, he just won't get that. In a year and half he'll start to get that connection. But not yet.

Your relationship: Being with him, talking and reading to him, engaging and interacting with him are the best ways to start.

If you are so angry you want to scream, go to another room or put him in his crib and find somewhere away from him to vent. It is HARD some days but try not to take it out on him. I found myself going through a tough emotional time and yelling at DD and I had to make myself stop. It wasn't good for either of us.

I use time out and we started it between 18-24 months. Bear in mind that at 1.5 yrs old, it's new and don't expect him to understand at first. We set a timer for one minute per year. We have a place in the kitchen where we sit her. We warn her first, then we put her there - away from the toys, the attention, the people - and tell her why. When the time is up, we ask her what she was there for (or told her, at his age) and asked for hugs and went on. DD is 3 now and I can tell her if she doesn't shape up, she'll be on the rug (our rug became our time out spot somehow) and usually she fixes her behavior. I also do Time Out anywhere. If we're in a store, I will find a place to sit her down or we can leave and go sit in the car.

The thing is, you aren't his friend. You are his MOM and you are both loving and guiding. Time to be his friend is when he's grown. You're not going to be perfect, and neither will he. You do the best you can and try to keep the long view.

Since you are a newer parent, a good resource is this book.
http://www.amazon.com/Have-New-Kid-Friday-Character/dp/08...
Your child does not need you to be his friend. He needs you to love him, protect him and guide him. Being his friend is not enough for him to become the man I know you want him to become. This book is really great and it starts at the beginning. You may be able to find a copy at the library. You have the most important thing going for you already, you want to do the right things. We all have been in your shoes and have yelled at our children when our patience has worn thin. Remember mom needs to take time for herself too so she can have that patience when she needs it. SO take care of yourself too. If dad is in the picture get his help. This really is a two person job but sometimes things don't work out that way. He sounds like a normal toddler. There are so many interesting and new things in the world for him to check out. Good luck and relax. Find something relaxing to do with him maybe swimming or reading books together. Children like a routine.

One of the best ways I have found to work on tantrums in younger children is to give them choices. 17 months is the age where they are learning they can control things and become frustrated when they get confused as to why things aren't happening the way they want them to. so say for example you are going to change his diaper and he starts screaming and arching his back, diaper change isn't a must, but itnstead of getting frustrated with him give him a choice. I work with infants and toddlers in a daycare center and in this scenario I would tell him, " You have to get your diaper changed, that is not a choice that you have. But you may choose if we change it in the bathroom or on the changing table." This calms many children down and they now have control. This works in many situations if you just think of the different choices they can make that still give you your desired outcome.
I agree that this age is too young for time outs. They don't see beyond themselves. You would also have to be certain they understood that they are sitting because of the negative behavior.
Lastly I would say communicate with him. I try to talk to my children about every decision we make and what comes next. It helps them understand what is going on and not feel helpless.
Hang in there and remember to take a deep breath and love him.