Toddler and Sleep

We struggled with sleep with our older son for years and finally -- when he was four and a half -- we got an appointment with Dr. Ferber, the famed children's sleep specialist. I think part of our son's problem is genetic -- I have insomniac tendencies. However, Ferber really helped us turn it around. (We'd done the "Ferberizing" many times on our own.) One of the things he told us was that we were probably putting him to bed at a time that just wasn't in synch with his natural sleep cycles, and there's nothing worse than lying in bed and not being able to sleep. He was going to bed around 8:30 or so. Because he wasn't ready to fall asleep, he would get up again and again, and then every time he woke up in the night, he'd feel the psychological burden of having to fall asleep again, which was hard for him (and for us because he would come running into our room at all hours). One thing he told us to do was to keep our son up very late so that he would be so tired that it would be easy to fall asleep, and then to move bedtime earlier by 15 minutes every night until we found the right time for his rhythms. We started with 11 p.m. -- I know your son is younger, so maybe the initial starting point would be earlier. The first night he was nodding off and we were prodding him to keep him awake until 11, and then when he went to bed he was so sleepy he went right to sleep. Then we slowly moved bedtime earlier until we hit the right time for him, which turned out to be about 9. That seemed late to us for a young child, but for the first time he began to regularly sleep through the night.

Ferber also told us no naps, but your son might be too young for that. You might want to limit length of naps though.

Hi there, J.,
I'm a mom of 6, soon to be 7, and we've pretty much run the gamut of sleep issues. In fact, I have recently been having the same issue with my 4-yr.-old. It seems that around 2, and again around four, there are some night fear issues that surface, and between that and the transition from crib to bed, ut's usually enough to throw off a sleep schedule that up until that point has been good. It basically just takes retraining, so that they learn that despite their fears, they can make it through the night without you with nothing bad happening to them. It took 3 nights to retrain my 4-yr-old -- it may take a little longer with a 2.5-yr-old. I would highly recommend the book "Healthy SLeep Habits, Happy Child," by Dr. Marc Weissbluth. We got it from our pediatrician when our 4th child was having major sleep issues, and we have used it over and over with every age. But in your situation, what he recommends is that you review sleep rules with your son at bedtime. When we get in bed, we 1. Stay in bed. 2. Close our eyes. 3. Stay very quiet. 4. Go to sleep. And I added with my son: 5. If you wake up at night, stay in your own bed. Every night before bed, you review these rules, even if you think he doesn't understand. The hard part is what follows. He will most likely get out of bed more times than you can even count, to test the new rules. the key is not to engage him at all, but to simply take him by the hand and place him back in his bed without uttering a word or looking him in the eyes. He will cry and protest. The first night my 4-yr-old cried for a long time, and I had to turn off the monitor because I couldn't stand it. But he went back to sleep. What you're doing is eliminating his reason for getting up, which is to get your attention. The second night my son still came up repeatedly, and cried, but because I was so exhausted (being 5 weeks away from delivering my 7th) I took him down and after the first couple of times, I closed my bedroom door to block out his crying. This had a great effect. The next several times he came up, he saw the closed door and went back down by himself. The 3rd night, he stayed in bed all night. We also reinforced this with a special treat in the morning. My husband bought him a little car and told him about it the night before, so he knew if he stayed in bed all night, he got the car in the morning. Now, he's just proud of himself for being such a big boy. Now I know there are a lot of people who will say don't let your children cry, but I have found that this approach, though painful for a few days, actually builds their confidence, and helps them understand that Mom and Dad are not going to let anything happen to them, but that doesn't mean that Mom and Dad must be right beside them all the time. My children know that they are loved, and don't seem to be traumatized at all. I give them lots of nurturing and attention at other times, but bedtime is bedtime, and they know that, which allows for healthy boundaries where I get some adult time with or without my hubby, or simply have a chance to get all the things done around the house that don't happen during the day. And we all sleep better, so we're all happier. Sorry to be so long-winded -- just thought you might appreciate an idea you could put into practice right away. Though I'd still recommend getting that book, because at different ages, different sleep issues surface. Good luck.

I know what you're going through. My son is almost 4 and still does it. I remember seeing on a Nanny show to just bring the child back to bed without saying anything. I find I have to say something but he usually will only do it maybe twice now. My problem is he comes in in the middle of the night, anywhere from 2-5 am. Last night I put him back and he came back. I let him stay. It seems that no matter how good a routine they always seem to change it on you.

Keep putting him back and he'll eventually figure out that you won't let him stay out in the living room. Oh, try to catch him before he makes it all the way to you. It's hard because now is you're relaxing time.

I also saw on Disney or something one parent who stays in her sons room until he feels comfortable being left alone. He then "blasts her off" and he stays there. Maybe find a "game" like that?

Good luck.
H.

We started looking at the clock (digital). At 8pm I was to leave the room and my daughter goes to sleep. She can call for me if she needs something, but she is to stay in her room until 7am. While transitioning, I found her sleeping on the floor, changing pajamas, wearing only her robe, stuffed animals rearranged. But she stayed there, and now (she is getting bossy) she commands me out at 8pm! Good luck!

I have 6 children and I've been through this many times. Everything with toddlers is all about control, routine, attention and habit. When he gets out of his bed, don't say a word to him and take him back to his bed. Walk out of the room and continue to bring him back each time without saying a word to him. If you communicate with him, you're back at square one. Kids want any attention they can get, positive or negative. It will get worse before it gets better. The first night you might have to do it 20 times, put don't give in. I promise you, in a few nights he will stay in bed. Remember, kids want to control every situation!(Especially teenagers!) When they see you're in control, they usually give in.

Seems counter-intuitive but I would start putting him to bed a bit earlier (start the bedtime routine earlier too). Keep the routine the same each night (dinner, bath, 2 books, snuggle, lights out).

My 3.5 yo is terrified of being alone, the dark, etc... so we let her sleep with one of her lights on. She has a lavender satchel in one of her pillows (it can help soothe kids to sleep). She has everything "just so" including a sippy cup of water. We also use a sound machine with a rain or stream sound on.

For a few months at 2.5 she fell asleep on the floor when we transitioned her from a crib to a toddler bed! Our pediatrician said "no big deal" - so we stopped worrying about it and would just scoop her up and put her in bed." We left her door open with a baby gate in the door. That seemed to be a good way to contain her while also giving her the comfort of having the door open.

She is now in a twin and seems happy with it. Stays in her bed. Whines a bit at night for extra hugs, but generally "gets" that it is time for bed.

I hope this helps!

If he is sleeping find in the guest bed and your bed, it could be that they are softer than his current bed. His current bed could just be too hard. We had a problem with our son sleeping in his bed as well. He would sleep in our bed or the couch no problem. So we went to the mattress store and had him try out the beds. On the softest one they had in our price range, he just got the biggest grin. Now he sleeps through the night in his own bed, with some exeptions of course.