Tired of Being Asked If I'm the Grandma

I encounter this sometimes too. I am 36. I have 3 children 9, 6, and 21/2. I get it mostly with the baby. My hair started going gray when I was 17 and I got tired of dying it. When it happens, I tell them they are my children and their grandma is not there. Then I let it go. People don't mean to be rude (at least I give them the benefit of the doubt), usually, they are just trying to be nice and maybe strike conversation. Maybe they are looking for advise. Who knows. Unfortunatley, we cannot stop people from saying such things, only how we react.

I don't really have any advice for you other than to just laugh it off. You are in an AWESOME position of having a great family at a time in your life when you are more likely able to support them financially and be there for them emotionally as well. While there are a lot of fantastic young families out there, it seems like young single parenthood has become the norm and the rest of us are oddities. Don't get me wrong - I have nothing but admiration for these young parents who are making it work on their own (I know I would have a hell of a time doing it alone), but you are in a much more stable, secure point in your life which makes things so much easier, not only for you, but for your children as well.
So, you can weather the "old gal" comments and be upset or angry about them, or you can see where you have made some great choices in your life and you have more experience and wisdom that you can impart to your little ones.

Hi K.,
Unfortunately this isn't going away any time soon. Be proud of the choices you have made. You are a mature adult who will no doubt be a better parent because of that. Just tell them, "A Grandma?? Are you kidding me? I'm only 44" Or better yet respond with a little chuckle. They won't know what to do with that.
Congrats on your newest addition,
Take care,
B.

My mother was married at 18 and had her first baby (my sister) when she was 19. My sister had her first at age 20...therefore my mother was a grandmother at age 39. I was 10 at the time. It drove my mother nuts that she was a grandmother. In the view of my 10 year old eyes, I saw absolutely nothing wrong with being a grandmother at age 39. With that in mind, it would make sense that there is nothing to be offended by if others think you might be a grandmother...grandmothers aren't neccessarily little old ladies offering a plate of cookies. My mother won a state pageant just 2 years before that! I don't think anyone is trying to offend you and I know during my pregnancy I was very, very sensitive and I don't blame you a bit for wanting everyone to realize that you are the mommy! I'd just say something like, "I wouldn't know...my first baby isn't even potty-trained yet!"

Don't know how you should handle this, my mom dealt with it alot when I was growing up. She was 43 when she had me and I was always getting asked why I live with my grandma etc. I must say I was embarrassed quite a bit about this when I was teen and didn't want to go places with her, but what isn't a teen embarrased about? Because of growing up with my mom being asked questions about being a grandma, I never assume anything. I don't assume that the lady with the large tummy is pregnant, I don't assume that all large families are Catholic or Mormon, I don't assume that everyone is Christian, etc, etc. Maybe you can help those people understand that assumptions are not always right.
Good Luck,
Tam

Try to be funny about it, I guess. it's hard to come up with something on the spot (like when I was pregnant and in line at Wendy's and someone said I didn't need to eat, it looked like I'd swallowed a watermelon already--I couldn't think of anything to say, much less something graceful and witty)
If they ask if you enjoy being a grandma, you could say, "I'm sure I will, when the time comes." It's not rude, but puts them in their place.
If they're really bugging you and ask if your the grandma, say, "no, I'm their mom. Are those your grandkids with you?"

Age is all about how you present yourself. My MIL had her last baby when she was 41, (that was 16 years ago) but never died her hair until recently. My FIL's hair went white prematurely, and they really just don't care about how they look. They wear "old people clothes" and laughed it off when people thought their son was their grandson. it would have been enough for me to at least dye my hair!
This is mostly unrelated, but I was attending a class, and the woman presenting the lesson was dressed in boring clothes. She did little with hair and makeup, and she slouched as she stood. I was SHOCKED when I found out she's only 35! I would have guessed closer to 50! I vowed to dress cute and do my hair so I don't look that way in 5 years!
So keep up the good work, dress cute, do your hair (well, as much as most other moms do) and act like you are a 30-something. And keep a quip at the ready. Don't let them get to you!

K.,

I am guessing you do not look like a grandma at all. However, being an older mom you probably have a lot more patience with your kids than younger moms do. It just comes with maturity. I am a bit older too, 38 pregnant with #2. My SIL is 10 years younger with kids the same age and she is really uptight about everything. So, all that to say, my guess is you are calmer with your kids, more like a grandmother and that is what people pick up on. Just a thought.

Congrats and many blessings,
M. M.

Everyone has always assumed my dad is my grandfather, even though he was only 38 when I was born. His hair grayed when he was quite young, and he has a mature demeanor. My mom, who is older than he is, always looked young. So people assumed that my dad was her dad! As a family we all just laughed it off when people said stupid things to us.
Now, I'm on the other side of the coin and people say to me, "You don't look old enough to be his mom," when I'm out with my son. I just say thanks and go about my business.
Some people just don't have good manners or don't think about how they might be offending people. All you can do is try not to let it get to you.

That is so ridiculous! I can't believe how rude people can be sometimes! There are many many older women having children these days, it's no longer just those in their 20's having kids, especially the entertainment world, so many 40 something moms just starting their family. I have many friends in their 40's who don't even look it and I'm sure you probably look fairly young still too, I don't know what else I would say other than your not a grandma, your a M., and what do they picture a grandma to be?

Ok, I'm soooooo glad I'm not the only one! I'll be 40 this year and just recently I've started being asked the same thing! I have 6 and my youngest just turned 2 and just the other day I was changing his diaper in Wal-mart when a "kind,old, lady" and YES she looked old, asked me if I was the mom or the grandma!!!!! I'm so not ready for questions like this. My teenagers roll on the floor laughing when it happens and it's starting to happen. I, too, do not feel I look like a grandma, but then I have sisters who were grandmas by the time they were 45 so I know there really is no predetermined age to be a grandma.
Any of you "youngster" grandmas wanna comment?

Stinks when people have to find an ill mannered way to get you involved in a discussion, better to comment on the weather...or how cute the kids are.

I had two thoughts for you: One is, go with it! "Yes, I'm soooooo old....where IS my wheelchair when I need it? Whew! running after these young 'uns just tuckers me out. What WILL life be like when I hit 30? OMG, I'm so tired as it is right now! And great grand kids are just around the corner. What AM I to do??"

Or: At least I can fix my wrinkles. Not sure how they fix stupid?

My usual is to just smile and walk away.

You'd be an awfully young grandma, wouldn't you? I suppose there probably are women in their 40's who are grandmothers, but not as many as there are mothers. There are more and more older moms these days. It seems like people would be more used to seeing women your age with little ones! You'd also think people would get a clue that you're the mom when you are 9 months pregnant! I guess you could try to make a joke of it, or just flat out tell them.

Congrats on the new baby!! :)
I can feel your pain, I am almost 44 and have a four year old and almost 7 year old. I can say if anyone asks if you are the grandma simply say "well not for another 25 years I hope!!"...then put it back on them. They will be very embarassed. Older moms are more common now then ever. I don't think I look like a grandma either, I hid the gray, have little wrinkles but up against some of the moms at the schools my kids go to I feel older!! :) Be proud, ignore the comments and another thing you can say is "No I am the mom, I was smart and waited to have my children so I could be a better mother!"...

Good for you! I hear it is much harder after 40 to have children and you are lucky! Congratulations. I would just shrug off anyone who says anything. People need to remember not to say anything if they have nothing nice to say. And that to me being pregnant is not nice. It's like being asked when you are due when you are not even pregnant, which is my case. Good luck to you!

Instead of thinking people are being rude, or being rude in return, simply say "Would that I had the wisdom of a grandmother! I'm his mom and he keeps me young at heart."

This was a good one for me. I am 46 with triplets who are 16 months and another who is 20 months. I dreaded the day when someone would ssay that to me. When I was shopping for baby clothes before the kids were born this very young cashier had asked if I was buying for my grandbaby. I cried all the way to the car. I was devastated. I realize now I don't give a rat's behind what people think. This is what G-d has dealt for me after trying for 10 years and I'm a GREAT Mom. And I can run circles around most people half my age. I come from Los Angeles where a ton of mothers were older and it was no big deal. So if anyone ever asks me I will be very kind and say "no, G-d blessed me with my children after many years of trying". Hang in there and just know that you are not the only older Mom out there. There are more of us than you think. And I truly don't beleive people mean any harm.Congrats on your pregnancy and take care of yourself and just enjoy those precious gifts.

I am sure you look great. People are so stupid sometimes. I once had my baby girl in a PINK DRESS and someone asked if she was a boy or a girl. Seriously?!

If you are really concerned and are getting multiple comments, maybe it's time for a makeover- get a fun, young haircut and color, and after you give birth, analyze your wardrobe. Are you dressing too comfortably and older than you are? I am definitely guilty of dressing too comfortably, and not looking my best.

Is it necessary? Absolutely not. Your kids are absolutely crazy about you no matter what you wear or what you look like. But if you don't want comments from idiotic people, it may be a necessary evil.

Whatever you do, don't take it personally. Just feel bad they have to live with themselves and move on.