Stepson and New Baby Advice

It sounds like he's pretty open with you. In a way, he's really right. Babies are kind of boring, especially for a 15 year old who wants to be playing, kicking balls, etc. You can do more with 2 and 3 year olds, and older kids, but I don't know of many 15 year old boys who want to sit and hold a baby. Just let things play out. I think the only thing that might change his mind is when you actually have the baby and he has some time to spend time with it, and still, he might decide that all the crying, etc. is not worth the hassle. This is great! A sister of mine had a similar experience at this age and she called it 'the best birth control ever'. She has kids now, but I know at this age it is developmentally appropriate for kids to be selfish, as far as planning their lives and living for themselves. So if this just convinces him he doesn't want to be a dad - for now - that is a good thing for him to find out.

even if you *convince* him that babies are cool, or expose him to some tinies that he likes okay, it won't really prepare him for a sibling of his own. be patient and let him come to terms with it in his own way. even people who aren't into babies tend to enjoy their own, and it's the same with siblings. it's nice that you allow him to express his feelings of consternation without judgement. keep doing that, and i'm betting all will be well.
khairete
S.

I know you're excited about a baby, but clearly he's not. I'm a mom and I'm not gaga about infants either. Let's face it, they drool, eat, scream, poop and sleep, not a lot going on there. Acknowledge DSS's feelings, it will go further than trying to change his mind.

Just yesterday my neighbor, who is a daycare provider, brought out the infant that she cares for...all I could think was "Thank goodness that's not mine to take care of!" Some people relate better to infants, some to middle aged children, some to teens. It just is, don't fight it.

I agree with Jessica. Don't stress about it and just let it all progress naturally. If he's never been around infants, it can be a little scary. I have a feeling that once the baby arrives, he's going to be more interested in interacting with the baby than he thinks now. Infanthood is so short anyway, that by the time baby is almost one, he'll have a little person that adores him!

My stepson was that same age when my husband and I had our daughter, although I also had two sons from my previous marriage, so he hadn't been an only child. Anyway, he wasn't immediately keen on the idea either. However, we included him as much as we could in the process (decorating the room, asking for name suggestions, showing the ultrasound, etcetera). I think the thing that really brought it home to him and helped make him part of it was when the baby was big enough in my stomach that he could feel her move. I will never forget the amazement on his face when she kicked his hand. He is now 24 and my daughter 10, and they love each other madly.

I am an only child and always said e same thing she is saying. In fact, when I had my baby, I was not sure i would take to motherhood... but I have - way more than I ever expected!! I regret that I was not exposed to babies earlier, and planned to have them when I was younger, because at 41 we are having a lot of trouble concieving a second. Anyway... it's just exposure is all. Go out of your way to help him be comfortable by showing him how easy it is to hold the baby, and how vulnerable the baby is, and how great it is for him to be strong and help such a small little one. As the baby gets older - 9 month or a year, he will have his own personality and want to play, and that typically interests everyone... so just be patient, and be informative and open about him particiapating with the baby. Babies probably aren't "cool" for teenage boys!! But at home, they can be so precious, and it can be such a great experience for him!
Good luck!

Please don't try to convince him of anything. Empathize when he expresses his doubts about having a baby in the house. Or give a minimal answer, just to show you are listening. "Hmm, yes, I can hear that you don't expect to like being a big brother. Want to talk about it?" Give him space to work things through and don't insist that he will, or should, like the new addition. You might be surprised at his ability to deal with his own feelings if you're not busy trying to talk him out of them.

How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk is a wonderful and wise resource that coaches you on how to use this approach. Read some of it here: http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/038081....

Congratulations on the coming baby!

I'd agree with the other moms to let it play out naturally - even my husband had no idea what to do with an infant until our son was born. He was a natural, but had to be exposed before his paternal instincts kick in.

At 15, his life is going to be radically different than his sibling's. My only advice, since he's so accustomed to being the sole focus of attention, is to make sure he doesn't get lost in the shuffle.

You'll be very consumed by the baby, and his father may, too. But, as long as he remains a point of focus and has the needed time one-on-one, I think he'll come around and enjoy having a little one around.

My aunt has 3 kids, and when I went to visit when my daughter was 5 weeks old, she wanted nothing to do with my daughter - said she doesn't like babies until they're 6 months or older.

Good luck! I hope you enjoy being a mother to an infant as much as being his step-mother.

You know, attachment does amazing things. I used to gag when I was baby-sitting and the baby spat up or needed a diaper change. But now, I have three children and not once did I flinch whe I needed to help them with something messy or unpleasant. The difference was the feeling of attachment I feel with my own children that I did not feel with the children I baby-sat, although I did enjoy being with them.
I don't think it's necessary to force him to interact with other people's babies before the baby comes. . . it's not like he will have a feeling of attachment with them, and it doesn't sound fun to him.
Perhaps asking your stepson to help set up a few baby things will help him feel involved in a non-threatening way.
Maybe let him choose some baby clothes or shoes he thinks are cute, or getting them matching shirt. Maybe getting the baby a "My Brother is Cool" shirt would be fun to him. Consider taking a CPR class with him as a "date" that includes info about infant CPR. Consider putting a framed picture of him near the baby's changing table and emphasizing you are glad the baby has a brother s/he can look up to.
Mostly, I think this will resolve with the passage of time. I think lots of people do not enjoy babies in general but grow fond of a specific baby in their family, and that's OK.
I highly recommend the book "Sibling Without Rivalry." It's by the same authors as the previously recommended "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and LIsten So Kids Will Talk Book," which is a work of genius.
Best wishes!

I have two small kids and a brother that is 17. He has said on multiple occasions "babies stink, drool, and sweat". I think it will be okay- just don't try to force the baby on him. He'll learn that babies are funny- and slowly come around. My brother still doesn't really LOVE holding my littlest one because he's still in the "drooly, stinky, sweaty" phase, but he loves playing with him. Just be prepared for some gagging from your teen when they baby does the unsavory things like spitting up. ;)

I agree with everything Sunny M. said!

I wouldn't worry about it at all....when the baby gets here you will be able to see the awe in his eyes the first time he sees this lil' sibling of his...and even if he isn't into holding the baby don't think something is wrong, it will work itself out...this is one of those "just wait and see" type situations.

I can say (from experience) having the huge gap between them has some serious perks................. :)
They each were/will be allowed to have their own growing up time where the world revolved around them...they each have different priorities in life so sharing will not be a problem, etc, etc,etc.
When they bond it will be beautiful, I promise! I have 2 "sets" of boys...ages 18, 15 and 6 and 4, and it has been wonderful, they get along and the older ones help with them and teach them all the cool ways to do things and the young ones think the oldest ones walk on water! I also can guarantee if his sibling turns out to be a sister, he'll be hooked!! My 15 yr old SS is the most protective of his only lil' sister, who just turned 2...he talks about being old enough to legally buy his own shotgun when she's old enough to date:) He also did the math and realized that his lil' sis will be the perfect age to be his babysitter when he has his own kids....I of course, encouraged this to no end, telling him how lucky she will be to have a big brother's house with fun things and cute kids to go and escape too!

Congrats on the baby and the fact that the only child has been given the chance to become "The Cool Big Brother" who will be worshiped no matter what he does!

I think not pushing is a good idea - but don't totally not bring it up. You may mention that you've felt the baby move and ask if he would like to feel. Not pushing, just asking and offering.

With my oldest, we wanted to make sure she didn't feel left out so when #2 was on the way, we asked her to help us think of names. Granted, she was 4, but she was involved.

Also, how comfortable are you talking with his birth mother? Maybe she can keep an ear to the ground and let you know if DSS says anything to her that might help you.

he's 15, he's a boy, of course he says he doesn't like babies. Especially when the baby in question is about to steel his spotlight...you'll see when the baby will be born and he'll hold him in his arms like a brother, he'll "feel" differently. He may not even tell you, but he will. One thing is imagining having a baby around, other thing is actually having him around. I would keep a positive attitude about it.

I wouldn't worry about it. He's probably just afraid because they are so small and many people believe they are very fragile like a piece of crystal or something. It's ok if he doesn't want to hold the baby till its a toddler. I wouldn't force him. He will probably not feel that way after a few weeks.

Hello,
If you attend a church, you might see about him helping out in the infant room. If his high school offers for one of his electives to help another teacher, they may offer them to be a teachers assistant at a pre school.

You could always check out a day care center to see if they could use him to help watch the kids, specally with summer coming. All the school age kids will be there all day long & they probably could use some extra help.

Hope this helps some.

Good luck & God Bless

My stepson was exactly the same age when we found out we were expecting - and he had a VERY negative reaction to the news - left the room extremely unhappy, cried, etc.

He loved his sister when she showed up, but being a boy, was pretty apprehensive about doing anything with her until she was mobile. Fast forward 4.5 years (almost 5). Stepson is 20, our daughter is almost 5, and they ADORE each other. She thinks her big brother is the best thing in the whole world, and he dotes on her when he's home from college. It's been that way for about 3 years - he does stuff with her that (sometimes) I wish he wouldn't, but she's more adventurous and has likes (Scooby-Doo) that she probably wouldn't if he weren't there.

So, relax, don't push it - answer his questions, but don't force him to accept it just yet - let him come around on his own. Unless he's shown some tendancies towards anti-social behavior (doesn't sound that way), I doubt he'll reject his new sibling.

Good luck!