Specific Request

I am in the same boat so if you find something that works for you, let me know!! My son wakes up as soon as he hits the crib and crying it out is not an option. He screams like a madman for 30 minutes and will NOT calm down until I pick him up. As soon as he is in my bed he is sound asleep.

I transitioned my son by basically sleeping with a sleep sack blankie to get my scent on it and then putting him in it for night-time. It seemed that all he really wanted was the scent of me to comfort him. Good luck!

You MUST read the No Cry Sleep Solution by Elizabeth Pantley. You can buy it or rent it from the library. She teaches you to slowly get your child falling asleep on their own. She doesn't claim '3 day results' like CIO people do. She has all sorts of scenarios - BFing, bottle feeding, co-sleeping, crib sleeping, moving to a crib, etc. I was stuck in the rock to sleep mode and so when me daughter woke at night she could not fall back to sleep without it. It took about 3 weeks, but she now falls asleep totally on her own and sleeps 11 hours without waking. It's a wonderful book!

Good luck!

First off, when asking for advice on such a sensitive topic, I don't think I'd be quite so picky/bossy with the replies you might get. This is such a great resource for mothers to ask questions and get so many different replies, some of which might pleasantly surprise you and might be of big help. That's the advantage of reaching out to so many different women who might be experiencing the same thing you are.

I understand you're tired, we all are. But the tone of your question makes me too intimidated to try and think of a solution for you. Therefore, I won't.

Good luck to you.
Lynsey

Hi M., I had the same with my daughter, and felt like you, and I was a full-time working mom (not my first choice but that's how the cards fell for us at the time with my husband losing his job unexpectedly). We also read the Sears book and found it very helpful, and we loved sleeping with our girl --- but she was NOT a good sleeper.

Anyhow, what eventually worked for us was to move the baby into her own room. I would nurse her to sleep (I know. . .not the wisest practice) and then put her in her crib, as gently as possible (she was unlike most infants, a super-light sleeper). My husband then took over the night duties. When she cried, he would get up, hold her, bounce her, rock her in the chair but he did not bring her back to our bed. I still woke up, and felt so awful because I could hear her fussing (and I knew she wanted me), but I reminded myself that she had her father, she was not abandoned, she was fine and loved and cuddled. Eventually, her nighttime demands became fewer and fewer and we all got sleep. She's six years old now - an amazing sleeper - a self-soother.....loving, fun kid. It didn't get better overnight, but that's how we dealt with it.

Hope this helps a bit. Hang in there!

M.,

First, Congratulations on making it this far ( you may not feel that way, but it is the best thing you can have done for your baby!)

Second - baby steps. It's not going to be instant.

Do you nurse your child to sleep? I do. I put him in his bed - and he snoozes until DH wakes him (or the cat or the dog) and he calls for me when he wakes. Sometimes he wakes and shrieks, sometimes he wakes and giggles. (it used to be top volume all the time, so there is some improvement).

It is NOT your having him in bed that is causing him to wake - it is not your having him in bed that leaves you in this dilemma either. You'll have a happier, more well-adjusted boy bc you chose this route.

Go slow. Kids react to change - and not positively. Little changes, like in a good night routine, will be met with resistance, but over time, they become the new norm. Pick your changes wisely.

All that being said: get naps. Get a friend to come over and sit with the kids - and get a nap. Every day. Somewhere, somehow, even 10 minutes helps. I know. Yowza, do I KNOW. It is better than coffee.

Good luck!
M.

I have twin boys (20 months) and I agree with you I do not believe in the "cry it out" method and do not recommend it. My boys have been sleeping through the night since they're 4 months old. Here's what I do (as unconventional as it may seem, it works in my house). At 9 p.m. I begin the routine of bringing them into their room, putting on pj's, I tuck them in, give them a bottle of milk (organic) (and I don't care what people say about milk in bed---I do it). and then I put on their TV, tune it to the SPROUT channel, kiss them goodnight, shut the light and shut the door to their room as I leave. I go back in an hour to shut the TV and take away the bottles and cover them up. This works for me. Some people say that I shouldn't put the TV on for them, but you know, I fall asleep with the TV on so why can't they.

Hi M.,
Just wanted you to know i appreciate the specificity f your request. If you know what you dont want, why waste your time and someone elses? I havent read the other responses yet, but i will because i have a similar situation---and had it worse ten years ago with my son. But just wanted to support you, and i too agree with Sears' point, nor does the cry it out appeal to me.
Crankiness happens, especially in the sleep deprived.
Best to you,
M.

Hi M.,

We have 2 children that go in and out of our bed. And I am tired!
So, I don't have a solution. But I have tried lots of things. Maybe one of them will work for you?
I also don't belive in letting them cry it out- just made the whole thing so much worse the one time we did try.

Here is what I did try with intermittent success:(now that they can get out of bed on their own, they just appear at my bed side.) I am busy trying new tactics as well. But since your guy is so young, one of these might do the trick.

* put him in a crib, either in another room, or a little further from your bed. He needs you, and he knows you're right there. But, he can adapt, right? So, maybe if he gets used to a little more seperation in terms of space, he'll work out how to go back to sleep on his own? Here are some things that might help him do that:

1. wrapping my t-shirt on a pillow or matress
2. being super strict with the routine and bed-time. Same time, same set of activities. Have to try it for at least 3 weeks before making a change.
3. Giving them something to eat- a late snack like a banana, or oatmeal (depending on the kid)after the bath.
4. I tried sound scapes- waves, etc. And I am going to try this one again.
5. a deep massage before bed. I do this with both boys and it helps them fall asleep with ease.
6. letting partner go to them when they wake at night.

I remember at 6 months we also had some new digestive changes happening, a tooth came in, a growth spurt, new motor skills appearing. All of these things seemed to throw both eating and sleeping off balance. In our home both of them seemed to find a rhythm at about 10- 13 months. That was when they could walk!
Good luck to you!
-M. (mother of 4 & 2 year old boys)

Hi M., Here I am, the mother of 5 who will tell you there is nothing wrong with your baby sleeping in bed with you. He is only 6 months old now. Some of mine grew out of it early and my last 2 had to share a room with dad and I until we bought a house big enough for them to have their own room. The older of the 2 had trouble adjusting to the new house so he was in our bed for a time (7 years old) He is now 27 and well adjusted. He does not need to sleep near mom any more (not for a long time) The years we have with our children are short. I would say right now it is not what you want but what baby needs. Sure you are tired, join the club. You want your children to be close to you? Love them and do not worry what the books or the others say. My best, Grandma Mary

You son has GOT to learn how to self-soothe as it is a primary psychological task of his developmental stage. Almost all babies will resist doing so but you must remain consistent in introducing ways he can do so. Examples are the pacifier, a blankie, a stuffed animal, a smoothe sound making device HE can turn on (i.e. the Ocean Wonders sold by our friend and enemy Babies R Us). Choose one or two that you think best and everytime he cries for soothing, re-introduce it to him and speak lovingly, touch lovingly, etc. There will be resistance (again, normal) which means he may cry, but YOU MUST resist the temptation to automatically go rescue him from his crying. I do agree with you in not doing the military style let him "cry it out" b/c I do think that can really damage a child's trust in you and the world around him, but it doesn't mean he shouldn't ever be allowed to cry. Emotional pain, discomfort, etc are a part of life and you wouldn't be doing him a favor in the long run if he doesn't form the emotional foundation for how to deal with these things on his own.

Of course, in his young world these 'struggles' of life are fairly contained (and should be) to the 'tragedy' of not getting everything he wants all the time, but please hear me when I tell you that they are important psychological foundations. So again, it's not a black and white extreme issue of totally let him cry it out or hurry up and address him as soon as he does, find a balance. You introduce the object, the comfort it can bring, you 'leave' him with it, if he fusses and cries then time yourself in what you will allow. (i.e. 1 minute, 2 minutes,etc. all which feel like an eternity) then re-introduce it again and repeat. It will take energy that you don't have, but you have to trust the process and that it will produce fruit in the end. To be honest, if you can really do this and stick to it consistently you will see a dramatic change at minimum within 3-4 days, at maximum within 2 weeks- all depending on your child's personality and your consistency. You'll be doing both of you a favor and thereby the whole family ultimately. Good luck, N.

My suggestion would be to put him in a pack n play or a crib, slightly farther away from you than he is, so that it is more of an effort for you to actually bring him into your bed. The issue seems to be with you, trying to get as much sleep as you can. I totally relate! If you make it harder for you, to move him into your bed, then it will give him more time to learn how to sooth himself to sleep yet be right within your reach (although you'll have to get out of bed) and your sight to assure nothing goes wrong. If you are not still nursing, or even if you are, try having a bottle near by (perhaps set up a cooler in the room for the night, stashed with filled bottles) and when he wakes up, give him the bottle in the pack n play and see if it quiets him. Works wonders for my 8 month old. The other thing you can try is feeding him some oatmeal/rice cereal until he is full right before bed.
Best of luck! Hope you get a full night of sleep soon

I had some similar sleep issues with my son. I went to the library and borrowed the book, "Good Night Sleep Tight," also known as the "No Cry Sleep Solution." You can check out the author's website at www.sleeplady.com You don't need to read the whole book, just the sections that apply to your child's age, so it's pretty quick. I modified things a bit, and it worked for us, much faster than I expected. Good luck!

hi M.,

sorry if my response is redundant - your guy sounds like he has the same sleep habits as my lady (the same I had as a babe, I am told). also, in case you don't want to read my novel (below), just know that it will get better and you will sleep again. I genuinely thought there was no way I would ever get my daughter out of our bed and I never thought she would go to sleep without my help. I got pretty desperate. At 14 months,she sleeps in her own bed in her own room and rarely cries or fusses when I put her down. He will, too.

here's my story...

we co-slept until she was almost 10 months. I wanted to stop sooner but i didn't want to cry it out, and I couldn't find another solution that worked. (I read Dr. Sears, The No-Cry Sleep Solution and Happy Sleep Habits, Happy Baby - as well as tons online). I was actually going to bed with her at 8PM and sleeping next to her - she awoke and I put her back to sleep in a similar way to how you are soothing your son.

At about 91/2 months, I cracked - I couldn't take it any longer. She had also matured to a point where I felt she would understand that I had not deserted her, that I was in the next room, she was safe and this was something that she had to learn for herself. We replaced her co-sleeper with a crib and put it next to our bed. I established a rigid, specific bedtime routine (same words, order in which we turned off the lights, etc.) and I let her cry it out - I did the modified 5 minutes, 10 minutes, 15 minutes for awhile until I found that when I would check on her, she would get more upset. then I let her cry/scream. It was awful. More than one night she screamed for 3 hours off and on. Then for several weeks she would sleep sitting up. All in all it took about 4 weeks but after that she would go down easily and willingly. I definitely never felt like I was "breaking her spirit" or that she felt deserted or that I was breaking the attachment we had formed.

I don't think I could have done it any earlier. When I tried it at 6.5 months, it was impossible and felt really really wrong. And I wasn't consistent because I couldn't commit so it was also confusing for her and for me.

So from months 10 - 12.5 she slept next to our bed till we went to bed and then, like you, I brought her into bed with me. We stopped this by going on vacation. When we came home, we moved her crib into her room. It actually went really well and was really easy. I think she slept better than she ever had and I got 4 uninterrupted hours of sleep for the first time in over a year. That's where we are now. Our next challenge is weaning...

Good luck with everything!

I know you are not a fan of the cry it out method but I did a modified version of it with both of my kids and it worked. Just put him in his crib I always used a music box or some type of music and you do not have to leave him to cry but you can pat him or rub his back just try to soothe him in his crib. If he likes your touch that should be enough. But just do not pick him up. As long as you are there a little fussing will not hurt him and the music may help him to relax. If they wake during the night do the same thing. It may take a few nights but it should work. Do it on the weekends so your husband will not be sleep deprived for work and can help out. My husband helped out because the crying didn't bother him as much as it did me. Also, I would try to do the same routine for naps so you can stay consistent will sleep training. I hope it works. I know it sucks to hear your baby cry but as long as you are there with him just look at it as a learning process and a gift to the family to get some sleep. Good luck!!

I did not do a cry it out method, but there was some fussing/whining involved. My son always slept in his own bed, but during asthma attacks would end up in ours so we could easily monitor his breathing. Getting him out was tough. I would rock and sing to him, then once almost asleep put him in his crib. Sometimes he would just go down and it was great, other times he would wake up 20 min later screaming. We did not take him out of his crib, but rather my husband would go in and rub his head and back, he would calm within a few minutes and then gently drift to sleep. Other times he would be almost asleep when he hit the crib (and I would warm it up with a towel fresh from the dryer) but once I put him in he would wake up and fuss. I would rub his head/back until he quieted and then just sit in his room so he could see me until he fell asleep. Sometimes he would fuss during that time, but not an all out screaming cry that was just too hard to bear. For my son the touch and being able to see us helped, but we refrained from picking him up or talking too much and I think that was the part that kept him in his own crib. I also tried keeping on soft classical music and soothing sounds like the ocean and that helped too. Eventually he was able to be put down while he was awake and fall asleep on his own. I hope it works for you.

The Ferber method does not work for everyone and their baby. There is another method that was discussed in my playgroup where you put your baby in the crib and when the baby cries just hold him until he calms down but have the baby sleep in the crib. My baby co-slept with us up until almost 6 months but he was ready to sleep in his crib before me because for a whole month we did not get sleep. I co-slept with him recently when he had a cold an dI thought he might go bacl to co-sleeping but no problem. He always nurses in the am in bed with me and occasionally sleeps after with me in bed and at times to get him to bed I nurse or just pretend to sleep with him in the bed for him to go to sleep and then put him in his crib.

Good Luck!

Since putting your hand on him in the co-sleeper calms him, it might do the same when he's in the crib. Just putting my hand on my daughter's head and stroking her hair for a minute would calm her and put her to sleep. Also, a pacifier (I only allowed it in the crib at bed/naptime) would help her get to sleep on her own. A soother in the crib helps my son get to sleep. After I lay him down, he pushes the button to turn it on and then he listens to it or watches it while he falls asleep.
Good luck.

Perhaps get him to sleep elsewhere, and then transfer him? My son will fall asleep in his Baby Bjirn, and then it's fairly easy to transfer him to his crib, because the whole thing vomes to pieces with a few button clicks! From there, if he wakes up, you can go in and comfort him - if he learns that you'll come when he cries,it shouldn't take him long to get used to sleeping alone.

Also, for what it's worth, I'd install a good LED nightlight in his room - both my kids were afraid of the dark, and slept better if they could see their surroundings!

I transitioned my daughter by putting a cot in her room and sleeping right next to her crib. She was in her crib, but still at arm's reach so I could put a hand on her to sooth her back to sleep or nurse her in the middle of the night easily, or whatever. That will stop you from bringing him to bed with you because the crib will be a barrier. After about a month or two, I started feeling comfortable enough to sleep in my own bed and it wasn't a hard transition for her because she had been sleeping in her crib all that time.

O.k. I know you are in a co sleeper, but have you tried moving him away from your side of the bed. Not into another room , just yet, but maybe at the foot of the bed or across the room. This way it's not so easy to "pull" him in. My kids were like this too. They wouldn't sleep for the first few months unless they were touching me. Did I want this...HELL NO!!! Did I have much of a choice, not so much if I wanted to sleep. But they did outgrow it. My kids were younger when we broke this habit but here goes. f
First move his bed away from yours, but still in your room. Then after him being comfortable this way, let him fall asleep in your room and then slowly move him into his own room. If he wakes move him back. After a week or so of this he should (hopefully...fingers crossed) stay asleep in his own room. One thing that helped my daughter (who took this transition much harder then my son) was to keep my shirt in her crib so she could still smell me. Usually the one I wore all day long so it smelled most like me (most nights I left her room topless, not a pretty picture but it worked). I also saw on another post, move the co sleeper every couple days farther and farther out the door, until it's in his room. Then transition to the crib. I don't blame you. I never wanted my kids to co sleep, but since I was nursing it made life easier. But eventually you just want your bed back. Good luck.

M.,
Hello, I was thinking if he falls asleep with you near him, try putting him in his crib with you there and have your hand on him or just rub on him so he knows you are there with him.. i used to do this with my girls and it worked pretty good.. i also used to sing to them the same song every night.. but usually by the time i had the song done they were asleep or pretty close to it.. but after they were asleep i would put a stuffed animal on them so they thought i was touching them..or i would start by rubbing on them til they fell asleep and i would wean that to just having my hand on them and then just standing by the crib and just work your way out of the room. and they figure out after a while that it is okay where they are.. i didnt let my kids cry a whole lot either and they are just fine... at 6 months my girls never cried.. i knew what they wanted so i thought there was no reason to make them cry. Hope this helps=)
A.- mom of 3 girls 6,5 and 3. I also work from home for a discount health benefits company and love every minute of it.

I'm mean when I am tired too. :) My daughter was very responsive to a fisher price aquarium. It was not perfect but it did help. Sometimes I held her hand and rubbed her back as she watched and fell asleep then I would creep out of the room. I know it is hard and I have not ever found anything perfect. I wish you rest!

My son is 22 months old right now. He's always fallen asleep sitting with me on the couch (or my husband) and then we'd transfer him into his crib. When he was really a baby, I'd hold him and rock him to sleep then put him down in his crib. When he'd wake at night, I'd go in an try to soothe him and lay him back down in his crib, then wait til he fell asleep (usually 5 or 10 minutes)before I walked out. He wouldn't always just lay down, so a lot of time I would have to pick him up. When he slept again (which was usually the minute his head hit my shoulder), I'd just put him back in his crib. Once in a while he'd want some milk or something so we'd sit on the couch, he'd fall asleep, I'd put him back in the crib. I don't believe in crying it out either. I do pick him up a lot more than some people would say is good. It didn't work for us to just put him in the crib, say good night and then have him quietly fall asleep. He was by no means quiet when he was left like that - we've tried! I admit we've always worked h*** o* getting him to sleep and I am more of a "babying" mother than some might agree with but he does sleep through the night in his crib now. Of course he has moments and I have to deviate from things and now getting him to sleep as a toddler has become challending b/c he's smart and knows how to work the system but I have always felt that I'd rather work harder (give him love and attention) to get him to sleep rather than have him freaking out and crying and screaming, choking and everything else that would happen when I tried other peoples "methods" If you don't want him in your bed just keep putting him where you do want him - he's going to wake on and off but eventually it will work. FYI: We let our son sleep with us a lot too as a baby - mainly b/c we both work full time and NEEDED to sleep but I can tell you right now - HE WON'T SLEEP IN OUR BED ANYMORE. Even when I want him too (like early in the a.m.) he says NO. So I don't believe that once they start sleeping in your bed that you won't ever get them out! You will! Good luck! Note: he had a pacifier to sleep, always did - he'd only wake at night when he misplaces it so I put more than one in with him and there have been MANY full nights of sleep since. Favorite Blankets are all around. A few choice stuffed animals are tucked away in the corners. He's older now, so he has his own little pillow that I swear is making him WANT to go in his crib. He has his little Ocean Wonders aquarium too. And of course he has mommy standing watch over him so he can peacefully fall asleep. I know other moms are reading this thinking I am NUTS but he's my baby and he's not going to want like this forever and a peacefull calm night is allows me to SLEEP better - I'd rather give him Love for an hour than let him cry it out miserably for an hour.

HA! I think its hilarious so many Moms offered their advice to let your baby cry when you specifically asked them NOT to, as you refuse to do that. I find that odd. I am a strictly breastfeeding Mom. If someone asked advice about formula, I would not answer because I dont do that. Why oh why would they suggest CIO when you told them no??? And I also think its ridiculous some of them had an attitude because you didnt want to hear that kind of advice. Why didnt they just NOT respond? Odd.

My only advice is to try the No Cry Sleep Solution by Elizabeth Pantley. Have you tried Dr. Sears Nighttime Parenting or sleep books? I nursed them to sleep and then put them to bed asleep. This worked great and in time they just didnt want to be nursed to sleep anymore. My kids were all great sleepers and I never had to do much to get them that way, so I'm not much help, other than to say I think you are a loving and kind Mother! Hang in there...I hope you get the answers you need without having your baby cio. Good luck!

I would get rid of the co-sleeper and gradually get him
used to his crib. If you are not willing to have him
cry at all, he will be in your bed for a long time.
Easier to break the habit now than when he is 2.