Some Advise on a 12 Year Old Playing One Parent Against the Other...

He Said She Said - kids of divorced parents always seem to try this game. To nip it in the bud, all the adults need to communicate with each other directly, and the child needs to know it (speaker phones make it so easy). It makes the stories she tells just that - made up stories. There's no question on some level she's jealous of her new sibling and this is her way of refocusing attention on her. What kid doesn't want to be the center of the universe (especially teenagers)? It almost sounds like she wants to tell everyone what she thinks they want to hear. Just keep up what you are doing, but step up talking with her Mom.

Have a "family" meeting. That means all parents & Liz sitting together face to face. Let her know you parents are all on the same page and talk frequently about any negative or positive things she is telling either side. Of course the parents should have a discussion first then bring Liz in. She needs to hear from both sides that everyone wants the best for her & the best means that she cannot pit her parents against eachother & bring hate & anger to each parents homes. This is very typical behavior of children of divorced parents. There can be lots of different factors of why she is doing this and if the parents cannot get along well enough then perhaps family counseling would help.

Very easy: You have a joint meeting: her, Mom, Dad, Step-Mom (and Step-Dad if there is one), and you tell her that you are concerned, because she's told X to you, and Y to Mom, X and Y are completely incompatible, and you would like to understand what she's really feeling. If the parents say "your dad and I", or "your mom and I" have been talking, she can't know who called the other, and if the 3 or 4 of you are addressing this together, there is no one bad guy.

Once she knows that you're communicating and asking for confirmation before you start fighting, she'll stop. The most important point, though, is why she is suddenly starting to do this... Is it just teenage manifesting itself in a mean way, is she imitating with her parents things she's seen her friends do to each other, is there some other reason for it?

Good luck!

You, your husband, and Liz's mom have to communicate; Liz is able to divide and conquer because you are not keeping in touch, so what she says looks like it could have credibility because of your lack of communication as adults. Let Liz know that you are onto her game, and then try to find out why she feels so powerless that she has to resort to manipulation and falsehoods. It's a tough age in a tough world, and she is struggling with the miseries of a changing body and a complicated society. Good luck.

First of all I want to compliment all three of the parents for being willing to communicate and work together in this situation!!! I am a stepmother to a now grown man and there was a very unhappy and tension filled relationship between his Dad and Mom.
I think that the thing to do is to have that family meeting that some of the other Moms' have suggested. Mom and Dad need to get together first ( you need to really sit back and take a minor role in this...let them be the leaders in the meeting!!!), and then Liz needs to be brought into the conversation. Somehow the adults need to remain calm, non-accusatory and non-threatening during the family meeting. My gut feeling is that Liz is doing this as a way to make sure that everyone "loves" her!! She doesn't want to hurt anyone's feelings so she thinks by telling you how awful things are at her "other home" she is going to make everyone feel good about themselves. She hasn't stopped to think out all of the consequences of what she is doing.
I would let her know that Mom and Dad are going to be in close contact with each other, because they both love her very much and want the absolute best for her. This is probably going to be an ongoing issue, not necessarily this type of thing but some other actions that show the stress of being a child of divorced parents.
The best thing you can do is just be her friend...let her know that you love her unconditionally...and refuse to play into the comparison game that she is trying to play!!

Do you get a long well enough with her mother to come together on this issue? I think the only way it will work is for everyone to sit down and tell her to her face about the comments she's been making and how her game is up. Try and get her to tell you why she's doing this.

Maybe she feels she needs to lay on compliments to whoever she's around to get what she wants from you. Maybe she isn't really trying to get you all fighting. Maybe she's not even thinking you are comparing statements.

All kids pit parents against each other. But I've never heard this exact thing. My kids would do it to their own advantage. They'd ask one of us if they could do this or that. They'd say they aready talked with the other parent and they said to ask the other. They would imply and sometimes come right out and lie that the parent said yes if the other parent agreed. Later we would find out we agreed to something that we would not have if we hadn't realized we were being played.

You need to ask yourself why she would be saying these statements. Who has primary custody? Does her mother have the ability to keep her home or let her come to your house less often? Mabye she really does feel that way at your house. But maybe she's just trying to be polite. She might be feeling very uncomfortable at your house for some reason and not be willing to address it.

Either way, I fail to see what her advantage is and kids don't do this without angling for something.

Maybe she feels pressure from her mom to talk badly about her dad, and/or pressure from her dad to talk badly about her mom.

You can do that to kids without even realizing it, putting them on the spot just by asking "who's house do you like better?", or "does your mom do this with you?", etc.

Once they feel pressured to tell you your house is more fun, or you are better parents, or you're better in any way it's kind of hard to go back and change the story. Maybe she feels like this is what she has to do to get approval. Maybe she just gets mad at her mom or her dad from week to week, and basis who is the better parent off of that?

Have you tried talking to her about it in a non-confrontational way?

The best thing you can do is have a gathering with Liz, her biological mother, you, her father, and Ellie too. Also if her mom is remarried then include him too. Do it at a park, have a family picnic, just something casual so that she doesn't feel like she is being attacked. Either while eating or afterward when everyone is together start discussing the situation with her, all 3 (or 4) of you needs to tell her this is not mature behavior and that you will stand united, keeping an open communication with each other so that you are all on the same page and that she has 2 choices, either act maturely and not play these games or pay the consequences for her poor judgment. The important thing is that as parents you stand united and work together not against one another. My cousin's 3 kids play their parents against one another and things are really bad, the oldest is only 16 and is into illegal substances and one of the girls is doing poorly in school. All the parents have been doing for years is fight over custody and what one does with the kids over the other. My point is you want your oldest daughter, Liz to succeed and be a well adjusted young lady not think that it is acceptable to play her parents against one another. I hope this helps. Good luck.
Hugs,
T.

I suggest that the mom and dad talk together about what she's told them and then together talk with the girl and let her know they know what she is doing. Ask her why she's doing this and what she hopes to accomplish. What they do depends upon her answers. Respond to her answers in sympathy while being firm that this is not the way to get what she wants. Deal with what she wants to have happen. She may need counseling or more time with each parent or......something else. If she agrees to not do this and the parents are able to understand why she's done it and are able to meet her needs this may be all that it takes to stop it.

If what she says doesn't make sense or the parents don't know what to do then I suggest some family counseling.

Of course the parents need to maintain communication with each other so that the daughter is unable to play them against each other. The should call her on it. I can't think of a related consequence right now. You could take away a privilege or valued item but that won't be as helpful as a consequence related to what she's doing.

I suggest that she may be doing this to get attention and/or reassurance that she is wanted. If so, make an effort to tell her you love her, that you're glad she with you etc. Same for Mom.

It's normal at this age to play this game..especially when her needs aren't getting met. Meaning if you tell her no and refuse to give her money...you guys are the mean parents and thus the description of her current behavior.

I personally would tape record her or have a surveillance camera (nanny-cam) recording her behavior when she is with you. That way, you can show her mom when these issues arise. Or you could all have a sit down and a heart to heart to air out the differences.

Nanc

Is it really what the child said to her mom or the mom making up stories? Does Liz tell you anything bad about her mom? Could Liz had said something that got misinterpered? Could the mom be viewing your way of disciplining Liz differently than you or asking questions worded to make it sound like you all are mean? You really need to talk to Liz without blaming her to find out the facts.