Single Mom with Troubled Teenager

Hi there,
boy I'm I to fimiliar with this issue, I have four boys (20,17,14, & 2) and one girl who's 7. Yes I had my share of my teens going through the same kinda thing. I'm basically raising them on my own since my husband's been in Iraq for 3 yrs now. I put my foot down and told them I'm the parent and you'er the child, if you live under this roof you go by my rules, you don't help out with the bills so what I say goes. I SHOW LOVE AND AFFECTION TO EACH ONE IN A CERTIAN WAY (SINCE THEY ARE ALL INDIVITUALS)I do things with them seperately, I have gotten my 17 yr old involved in a (church home group) that helps out alot! My 14yr old he's into skateboarding, so what I did with him was I took the one thing he likes the most away from him (the skateboard) My 20 yr old he's alot of help to me now. The main thing to do is sit with them 1 on 1 and have a heart to heart talk listen to what they have to say, come to an agreement, get involved in thier interests, meet your kids' friends'parents "that's very important. Kids seam to figure out what parents weaknesses are if parents let their guard down. Most important prayer works, and giving up shouldn't be an option. Always think positive! Hope some of what I've said comes in handy....

I myself don't have a lot of practice with teenagers yet but, maybe try a big brother program or maybe he needs a wake up call. She can maybe take him to juvie for a special visit maybe if he sees how he could end up that might help.
It definatly sounds like he does not care anymore because of the father situation. She has to practice tough love, that is very hard for a mother to do, but it is for the best of the child. Good luck. L.

Sadly when it comes to teen if you push, the'll push back harder...it's just a feature teens come with along with puberty. I have seen BOTH my younger and older brother do this to my mom...I was rellious myself but have VERY VERY good reson to and mostly came down to my mother neglecting me and the best interest of me and babying my brothers. He could have many reasons of why his bahvior is like it is but honestly all teenagers that I've known including myself act out not out of getting revenge or b/c of one particular reason but most feel abandoned in the cases where one parent is lacking and sometimes just b/c kids feel the world and everyone in it is there to dictate them and how they should feel about issues. I think his main problem is he probably doesn't know HOW to deal with the emotions he sometimes feels and he doesn't understand how to put his anger and dissapointment into something positive. It def will not get ANY better if left to fix on it's on...not to get too personal but I can somewhat still understand and remember how I felt when I was in that position. After my stepdad who was acting as my dad left my mom or another women we had to move to my grandmothers house and there I was molested by my grandfather (who i still see every sunday now) and even though my mom caught him she done nothing..she told my grandmother...she done nothing..they all figured his drinking was the excuse. My REAL father would tell me he's coming to see me and not show...then when I blamed my mom enough he let me live with him...only to make me live in abondoned houses and sometimes alone so he could live with his current gf who didnt like me. I was younger than ur son. When I got 13 in a whim of a miracle I met my now husband and we got married when I was 15...def not a choice for anyone else but it was the right one for me and now on the 24th I will be celerbrating my 7 yr wedding anniversary and very happily I might add. So it's possible to come out of...anything is BUT without his mother putting forth REAL effort he won't improve..not alone anyway. Personally I think she should get him into an after school activity, like a sport or something he likes. Another option is also making him volunter at a homeless shelter or maybe a childrens or animals hospital. Things that will toach his heart and make him appreciate his own. Seeing others down farther than u thought u ever could be can humble a person right out of their funk. Just tell her to do SOMETHING.The srink MAY help but its not something I'd choose for my own children.

This is a question that is hard to answer because with each teenager, the cause is different and the way to handle it depends on the teenager. I was a "troubled" teen. No serious trouble but I gave my mom and step-dad a REALLY hard time. I was mean to them and didn't care about myself or them (in some sense)With me, I can't say that I know anything that would've worked for me short of never letting me leave the house and having someone watching me at all times. But that's just what it would have taken for me, because I was that headstrong and proving to everyone that "they couldn't make me" was how I was. My mom did the psychologist thing too. I was promiscuous (?), skipped school, drugs, alcohol the whole nine yards. For me, it took finding someone (my fiance) that I felt like really cared about, and then too, I got pregnant, so I grew up fast. If it weren't for those reasons, I don't know when it would've hit me that what I was doing was wrong. I know I wasn't much help, sorry!

o WOW I dont even know what to say to this. I'm still pretty young and I have a 16 yr old cousin that confides in me going through the same problems he is right now.
From my own experience as a troubled teenager, ANGER plays a HUGE roll. Of course as a teenager for some odd reason, a lot of us hate the world anyways but what I see is he needs a father figure. Since he does not have one and is angry about it, he obviously cant get angry at his dad, so he gets angry at mom and the two other siblings.
I may be WAY wrong by saying this, but from my own personal experience, your friend may have to just let him grow out of it. When I was a teenager, running away, getting in trouble, being angry etc, my parents trying to tell me they love me, but also discipline me was just confusing.
When I was 18 and i finally moved out everything was fine, i got off drugs, joined the army and now i have a happy family.
What it may be is just the personalaties in the household as well.
Someone whos laid back, a follower, non-argumentive type person, is not going to enjoy being around the type of person who plays loud music, throws parties, and has people over all the time. And its not that one of the people are tryig to rebel, its just that persons personality. Now you throw some teenage drama in there and BOOM! You have yourself one heck of an ordeal.
If i were you, have her sit down wiht her psyc. and talk about "personality profiles" and see if actually the home is inballanced because of conflicting ages AND personalities.
It really helped me open my eyes to things when i sat down and learned that Im whats called "Melancholy" personality.
In short, I'm a control freak, I like a clean house, everything labeled, and to have things done as I want.
My husband on the other hand, is an extrovert and likes to go out and have a good time with his own rules. He walks into a room and he's talking to everyone, cracking jokes, making friends etc.
I hope this helps your friend, let me know if you need any help with the whole thing, I could send you a personality evaluation my Boss gives to people before they get married.
-N.

In some schools they have a mentor program, that has helped in my family. It does not cost anything but the "pay off" is sometimes greater than anything. I wish you luck.

I have not had any experience with teenagers yet but I was once like that did not care about anything not even if the world was falling around me. As harsh as it may sound the only thing that saved mine and my moms relationship and my life was her sending me to a boot camp for teens or a youth dentention. they taught me to repect others but most importantly to respect myself and they also taught me core values in life. They helped me get my life back on track and made sure that I and my family were happy.