Dealing with a Rebellious Daughter

My brother in law had a similar situation. He had his step daughter write down a list what a father should be. Then, they as a family went through it and talked about what he did as opposed to her biological father did. She then saw that her "real" father didn't do as much (or anything) as her step dad. But she had to make that connection about her step dad. She's 23 now and very close to her step dad.

I dealt with the same situation but with a 15 yr old son. He went with his dad and realized that the grass wasn't any greener and begged to come home within 1 week. When he came home he had a better attitude.

hello K.,
I know what you going through I have a 13 year old and we got the same story going on, she hates her step dad and wants to go live with her grandma. I think this is a stage they are going through and whatever we do is not going to make them "happy" and they are going to "hate" us no matter what we do. I think the behavior of the nieces living with grandma and dad should be considered before making a decision. Since she is going to be living at her grandma's house, how does the grandma feel about it. This all will pass, just keep strong.

You have alot of things going on here. Your daughter really isn't so rebellious as just being a fairly normal, more introverted teenager. I have 14 and 16 year old sons and some of this just has to be endured. It is unfortunate, but it is your job to be in the middle and not your husbands, which is maybe one reason things got so bad. It seems your husband is doing his best, so don't worry about him so much.

IMHO, you should let her go stay with her bio father. At this age, the grade thing is not going to impact her nearly as much as it would later and given this seems to be the first time she has started asserting her will, this seems to be something that's EXTREMELY important to her. Given she would also be with her grandmother, unless grandma is unfit (one can debate how well she mothered her son given his current situation, but this is different), then this would likely be a really important life lesson experience for your daughter in a fairly safe environment.

You really have to remind yourself that your daughter is half her father so it really is important that she have as good of a relationship as possible with him. This is the age where kids are exploring their own identity - that's healthy and necessary at this age, so that at 17-18 they become their own person and are ready to start dealing with the world as an adult.

I am divorced from my sons' father and while he is not a great dad, they do spend some time with him. At this age, they can see the faults in him and it's not up to me to point those out or comment on them. If you view your daughter's father so negatively, it is only natural that your daughter will absorb some of that as a reflection of who she is. So, please try to accept that your daughter's father as is - it's up to your daughter to form her own opinions.

Also, please keep in mind that fathers are in the end the most important parent in terms of how a daughter later relates to men in general. So, you need to do everything possible to make this a positive experience. Again, it sounds like your husband is a truly great guy, so that has likely very positively impacted your daughter.

Sorry so long, but in short your daughter's behavior is normal and the teen years are very, very like the 2-7 years where the child is learning to become a separate person, detaching from the mother and developing their own identity.

Being a child of divorce I would have to tell you that as hard a being a teen is to begin with dealing with 2 sets of parents at the same time makes it even harder. I suggest that you try to compromise with your daughter on the livign situation. For example if you are concerned about her grades dropping while with her father maybe tell her that she has to stay home till the end of the year and possibly let her live with him during the summer when grades are not a factor. My concern is more that the father has not been around much up till recently and just kinda dropped in at a bad age. You will make it through this I promise. My mother stepfather and I had a lot of problems at that age as well but we got through it and are close now.

I think it would be helpful to take her to a councelor or maybe the whole family (of course I don't mean her father, because you and I both know he won't go for that). Maybe having someone outside the situation asking her about the realities of what it would be like to live with her dad as opposed to the life she know has might change her attitude. This is normal behaviour for a child of divorce, by the way. The parents who are there for the children are the "safe" parents to blame and dump on, because in their mind they are trying to justify why the other parent has not really been there for them. It is too painful for them to admit the rejection of an absentee parent, so they villify the "safe" parents because deep down they know you will never let them down. Good luck with all of this.

Hi K. -

I went through something very simular to your situation with my 16yr old when she was 14, like you my husband has raised my daughter since she was 4 and for some reason at 14 she just started rebelling against him and saying tings like you aren't my real dad you can't control me. She to stays to herself. Her biological dad has always been in her life so we weren't really sure where all of the anger was coming from.Sofinally after many sleepless night we decided to let her see the other side so she went to live with her dad for 3 mths and boy did she see the other side. After 3 weeks she was crying to come home, but we made her stay another 6 weeks. Now that she's back home she is so much more greatful for the lifestyle we have provided for her. Needless to say things have taken a complete 360 turn around. Like you I was a little apprehensive about letting her go at first,but at the time nothing we did was working so we really didn't have anything to loose. Good Luck and God Bless your family.

talk to the grandmother, cousins, and of course the biological dad stating that the child will not be moving into that environment. however, she can go for the particular holidays, weekends, and summer. but will have to "live" with you till she is graduated from high school. then tell your daughter the same thing. when she balks, have her sit down and write what things your current husband has accomplished/has ie good job, car, own house, etc, versus her biological dad. state that you are not trying to point out how much better your current husband is but that the environment he is providing is better. then have her think in the long term of things would she like living like her dad or step dad? do not use the negative language ie looser/dead beat dad... but do not build him up either. keep it even keel. tell your daughter that god gave you permission to raise her and you will discipline her according to what you feel is proper/correct.

This is definitely a stage. Do not let her live with her dad because he does not sound like a very motivated person still living at home and no car and all. Kids can be very impressionable, but definitely let her spend time with him. I grew up without a father and blamed my mom for many things and grew out of it. She is only thirteen and is not mature yet to understand that her stepfather has been there taking care of you and her. I would still continue to keep the line of communication open with her though and listen to how she feels. Just remember you are doing a great job of raising her and give her lots of hugs.

Hi, I can offer you advise based on what I went through... my parents divorced when I was 3... dad wasn't around much and we ended moving out of state... long story short, at 13 my dad had talked about me living with him, and when I got back to moms (primary home) I was adamant to live with him... mom didn't like it, but let me go.... going to live with my dad was probably the best thing to experience... I realized at that time, that the grass was not greener over there, even though I no longer rules, it came with a whole new set of problems... I learned that my dad was not someone I really wished to be around, He's an alcoholic and witnessed many fights between him and my stepmom... I ended coming home to mom before the year was up and yes went through many troubled years of getting into trouble, rebelousness, etc.... however, being that you raised your daughter the beliefs you have instilled in her will come through... I know it's hard, but refusing to let her go will only reinforce her anger toward you and her stepdad....You can't shield your children from life and sometimes you have to let them go through it and just make sure to be there when things get rough, without judgement... that doesn't mean dicipline need to be non existant. I understand your husband is very hurt by all this, but his understanding for her need right now to be with her father that was absent for so many years will only be good... I would listen to your husband and let her go.

Get some therapy - third person intervention.

I am sorry for your situation. This is however normal. If I were you, I would make a deal with her. If she behaves better, she would spend weekends with dad and weekdays with you. I will tell her that she is only staying with me so that she can keep her current school. I would also get my husband to do one on one things with her. things that she actually likes doing. Allow them to build a relationship. So that she would see that this guy is not so bad after all. Remember she is also having crazy teenage hormones. So not everything is rational right now. your husband cannot give up. he should be very very very patient with her.
goodluck

Is there a legal custody agreement? Perhaps you could use that to remind her that she is legally supposed to live with you. Of course, you can be flexible, if you choose, and maybe let her spend a little extra time with her dad, but let her know that you need to follow the court order. Good luck - she'll probably change her mind if she gets to stay with him, because I'll bet she'll end up baby-sitting the nieces whenever she isn't in school...and that won't be fun after a while!

Talk to her and tell her how much you love her for who she is, your wonderful daughter, and that you are so happy that she is maintaining great grades and being responsible as she is making the right decisions for her own future. Tell her why you are concerned about letting her go, and have an open discussion with her about what she may encounter there and how she will handle it. Tell her the decision is up to her and you will be there to support her no matter what happens as you want only what is best for her. Then offer her the option of spending time with her Dad and time with you as an alternative approach toward moving to her Dad's. Suggest also that should she decide to move there , that she move gradually and test the waters as she gets to know her Dad better. Explain to her that it is not a black and white decision, stay or go, and that there are many ways this can be worked out. While offering these alternatives, respect her ability to make her own decisions and to hear your concerns and perspective and express your concerns with love and respect. Keep in touch with her no matter what decision she makes, and be her ali in all the new situations that she will be confront if she makes the decision to go and live with them.

Ahhh...being 13. Firstly, my sympathies. Teen daughters are possessed by evil at that age (speaking from my own experience and said tongue in cheek) and I know how hard it is to simply say good morning when she wakes up much less to deal with disreaspect.

Firstly, you have to show a united front. In my own experience, the minute you go against your husband for anything from discipline to what to have for dinner, they'll pounce on it and use it against you later. They Created a divide and conquor approach.

Secondly, I'd get her into counseling...FAMILY counseling so that everyone has a voice and she can get some validation for how she feels (her feelings are real and to ignore them makes her feel less a part of the family unit)

Thirdly, if you live close by, won't have to give up your rights as her parent and he's not going to sue you out the wazoo for child support the minute she gets there, let her go. There will always be a nagging in her heart to "know" what her dad is like. Who he is. And no matter what you've told her, she'll always wonder if it is true.

My daughter was 14 when I put her on a plane to see her dad. She never came back home. But I had to let her go. Now, she is regretful that she ever made that decision. That is a lesson she would have never learned if I'd have forced her to come back home.

If you're close by you can still keep track of her schooling. You can still inquire as to her well being. NOT living in your home for a time does NOT negate you being her parent. And, in my own experience...can give you time to take a break from defending your husband...who obviously loves and cares for her.

OH...and about talking to her about adult issues...even tho I know you are tempted to try and justify everything she feels you did wrong, you are under no obligation to explain adult conversations or adult situations to a child. NONE.

Also...I have not met a 13 yr old that wasn't miserable at one time or another. And she doesn't have to choose. Her dad will always be her dad. But your husband will be the one she comes back to. "Dad" isn't a title given by DNA. It's something that you "do"...

Good luck! I'm ROOTIN FOR YA!

Hi K.,

I think that right now that your daughter has found her dad, she might be upset that for the past nine years she never knew him and being 13 isn't going to make her situation any easier. She is growing and changing and it's a very confusing time for her.

I think she sees the life that her cousins have, little adult supervision and they have more freedom and she thinks they might have a fun life.

I wouldn't suggest letting her go live with her dad, but since there are winter break, spring break, and summer, maybe she can take some of those school breaks to visit.

hope it works out

My parents had the same problem with my brother. THis was in the 60's when there wasn't much of this type of thing going on. My dad- his step-dad did not allow him to be disrespectful no matter what. Daddy let my brother go to visit the summer thing and after he graduated he chose to live with his dad. He as back in a few months. It wasn't what he thought either. My brother was still angry with my dad for the same reason until the day he died 18 months ago. It is a choice that he made. My father raised him and supported him and the most important loved him...
You can't try to be her friend, you must be her mother. Don't allow her to run over you. Sit down and talk about it. Tell her what kind of behavior you expect and if she doesn't do it line out the consequences and then follow through. Wait until the summer for a long stay. It will be so much different than what she is used to sounds like and I am willing to bet she will come back.

Hang in there...this too shall pass...

Take Care and God Bless!

I feel like I just read my family's exact situation except I have a 16 year old son. I will tell you what I have decided to do and you can do with it what you choose. This is a very hard situation to be in because there are two things you know to be true 1.) YOUR house would be a lot less stressful if you decided to let her leave 2.) YOUR house would be the best place to monitor her behavior/friends and make sure she was on the right path to adulthood. My son knows when he is 18 if he wishes to leave he may do so. I will not try to stop him at all or make him feel guilty. If he is not enrolled in school I will not be supplementing his income though. My son's biological father lives in another state so the frequency of his moodiness is directly related to how recently he has seen him (usually once a year for a couple of weeks). My husband has become very hurt, as I assume yours has also, with the sudden attitude change when they use to enjoy each others company. I believe in time he will see the situation for what it is and appreciate what all was done for him while his biological father was absent. Never criticize or imply anything negative about the natural father. This in itself will save you a lot of headaches, though you may have to bite your lip on many occasions. If visitation is set then follow it exactly...no changes unless absolutely necessary. If your not already doing this it will be met with great resistance at first, but eventually she will learn to make the most of quality time with you and your family. We also make sure that he doesn't sit in his room all the time. Certain times are family time...no phone...no ipod...no friends. During family time we just play games or do fun stuff, no chores. This way he can see that we can still have fun even though we do have rules. I hope this helps you.

I'm so sorry K. that all of you are going through this. I never met my bio dad and my mother married when I was 7. I personally never cared to meet him or say anything to him, in fact, when my mother would ask (I was about 13) I would tell her, "I have a dad who cares for me".

I've read many good suggestions and it takes time for some to realize what love really is and that a DAD is the one that helps you, takes care of you, listens, doesn't judge you and simply loves you for who you are, no matter what you say or do.

I have a rebellious little daughter and I'm nervous about her behaviour as she gets older. I do suggest counseling. My litte girl goes to counseling and it has helped tremendously...in fact, we will have counseling until she's 18.

Good luck with your decisions and be certain that she won't hate you...she'll respect you for helping her make the choices she needs to make (wrong or right).

I would suggest telling her you will give her the opportunity to try living with her father, but wait till summer, then you don't have to worry about school. There's no point in having her switch schools in the middle of the year. Then you can use the summer as a "trial run" of sorts and see how it goes. But before that, I would definitely talk to the bio dad about rules, curfews, etc. that you have and ask that he enforce the same at his house (hopefully he would be agreeable and actually enforce them!). Then she would see rules/consequences either way and maybe decide it isn't worth it to leave her old school/friends behind. But like some others have said, she may need to figure out on her own and through experience that she prefers to be with you; maybe then she'll be even more thankful for what she has now! My daughter isn't even 2 yet and I'm already dreading the teen years! Good luck!

She won't hate you later at all. You need to do what is best for your daughter and she will actually appreciate it when she is older. I never had any contact with my biological dad and took a lot of my anger and frustration out on my step dad. What my mom did was the best thing. My biological dad is not a good role model and my life would have turned out much differently for the worse if I had any contact with him. Good luck to you and stay strong. Make sure you remind her how much you love her.

What a tough question and difficult situation! This has to be incredibly painful and trying for you.

You've received some good feedback on here, too. My other opinion is that perhaps you should let a counselor help. (I am biased, because I'm a counselor - I admit it - but it can help to get someone else involved to look at all sides objectively. The counselor helps the FAMILY, not just one person necessarily).

Anyway, I would also take a look at what your daughter is communicating. And by communicating, I mean, "communicating in a discombobulated, sideways way!" She obviously has needs that she doesn't know how to express - I mean, literally DOESN'T know how to verbalize what's really going on with her. She acts hostile, aggressive and rude, but is she normally that person? Of course not! Yes, partly this is just the age she is. But there are plenty of teens who DON'T act CONSISTENTLY (that's the key word) rebellious.

This is a tough spot. I definitely think this is a longer discussion ad a bigger issue than the advice you could get here, although there are some great answers here! I think looking for someone to mediate (like a counselor) would be a great idea.

Good luck to you!

First, think about getting counseling. Also you might want to let her go because she sees you as the enemy. It will only make her behavior worse if you force her to stay. Put some parameters on it. Like, if your grades drop or your behavior changes you must come home. A little time away now might give you a life long friendship with your daughter later in life where as making her hate you now will ensure that as soon as she is able to she will bolt and you will only see her if someone dies.

Hi K.,

I do not have any teenagers in my home, just little kids, but I will tell you about my sister.
My mother tried to force my sister to do what she wanted, even though it was what my mother thought was best. My mom did not want my sister staying with my dad for many reasons that made perfect sence to any resonable adult. But teenagers have a mind of their own, and experiance is usually what teaches them. IF it takes your daughter living with her bio dad than maybe that is the only way to make her see what you ahve been trying to say all along. By the way, what makes me say this is I saw the way my sister totally rebelled. She was an honer student as well, she had nice friends, she was shy too and played vollyball, and tennis, because my mom did not let her go my sister stopped getting good grades, and did a total 180 on her, she eventually became Emo, (stands for emotional, its a cross between punk and gothic), and got pregnant, all in 2 years. She has since grown up, and realized that my mom was right,and really loved her along with the step-dad, but because she was restricted, it took her a VERY long and hard road to come to that conclusion. I am a step mom myself, and am always getting compared to the bio mom, by my stepchild who is only 5. The bio-mom is bi polar, suisidle, manic depressive and dillusional. She is not a great care taker, my husband got full custody, but kids just do not see that side of their bio parent. I understand that, and sometimes it hurts but, I know in the end as long as I am loving and alwasy accepting of this child in my home, one day he will see that I do love him, and he will see who really takes care of him. I am not worried and you shouldn't be either, kids usually ahve a way of finding teh truth, but they have to experiance life for themselves to learn it. Good luck, your daughter will be in my prayers tonight.

Oh, I am so sorry. I really feel for you because I remember being 13 and having those feelings your daughter has. Luckily I didn't have anywhere to run to. My mom was the enemy for some reason and my dad was the mediator. I can tell you that she won't hate you later that I do know. In fact, she will probably apologize for her behavior when she is in her late twenties. I know that I did anyway. I know that does not help you now. She probably sees her father's home as less strict I am sure and rules are horrible for teenagers although necessary. You could try setting up some rules for her if she lives with her father if that is what you choose. For example, grades, curfew, etc. I am such a control freak with my kids that I can't imagine having them live with someone else! I just wanted to let you know that she will not hate you forever; maybe only during her teenage years. She will mature and see things very clearly after 18. Good luck!!

Teenagers can be a handful.... Was your daughter perfectly happy before her biological dad came back in the picture? Or have there been problems with the stepdad since the beginning? The reason I'm asking is because if the problems are new your theory may be right but she can also just be manipulating you so she can get what she thinks she wants. If your ex hung up on your husband he is DEFINITELY part of the problem, Lord knows what he is telling your daughter! Make it clear to her that NO ONE took you away from her father, you and your father did not work out. Unless you were kidnapped no one took you away. Do not let her go live with her father but do let her spend controlled time with him... like dinners once or twice a week. You are not her best friend you are her Mom, you must do what is best for her, even if she acts like she hates you now for it. We had had similar issues with some of our kids. Hang in there and God bless!

I have not dealt with your problem as my husband and I have been married 20+ yrs. We do have a 14 yr old who is the sweetest nicest child but sometimes I swear evil is in there somewhere.

This is a very hard age for girls and boys. Many emotional and physical changes. Being a child of divorce makes it harder for your daughter, even though stepdad has raised her for 9 yrs.

She is finding herself and part of herself is her bio dad.

In that respect, I speak from personal experience. I am a child of divorce and it was not easy going through all the changes without your parents being there for you to back you up. I always hated being the "divorced" kid. When I was growing up, divorce was more taboo so it was a social thing to me as well.

As hard as it is....BELIEVE me...I have days with my daughter when I just want to crawl in a hole and stay there til she is fully matured and grows up. Even being in a very stable relationship with my husband....there are sometimes when my hubby feels in the middle with the things going on with daughter and myself.

A lot of this has to do with your daughter finding herself. Please be there for her, do the best you can and keep your chin up. If I were in your situation and she wanted to live with bio dad.....if the place is safe..then I might let her and she will form her own opinion. She may not admit it to you....but she will figure out that the grass is not always greener somewhere else.

Best wishes. Hormonal teens are tough to be with many times. Most of the time, if things get tough here, before something is said that might be regretted, I remove myself from the situation and tell my daughter to figure it out. You daughter knows you love her, keep showing it..

Good morning, K.,
I agree with DeeDee below. Let her go for a couple of months and let her see first hand the difference between your home and theirs. We did this with our youngest who was pining and whining to be with his natural mother because she babied and spoiled him. After 2 weeks he was bored sick and missed his friends and his pets (don't underestimate their importance). We made him stay for an entire summer and never had to deal with that issue again after that.
You didn't say where you live, but if you are looking for a good counselor, Linda Alexander in Richardson is excellent. Her phone number is ###-###-####.
Our son is now 20 and is a happy, well-adjusted young man, still some self esteem issues, but a great guy.
Good luck and hang in there. If you find ways to help her now, high school will be a much better experience for all of you.
B. G. (mother of 8, grandmother of 4)

Hi K.. You have gotten some excellent advice. I only have a couple of things to add:

1. Your post didn't say whether the bio dad has even offered for your daughter to live w/him. Could be there isn't room at the grandmother's place, or that bio dad is not keen on the added responsibility of caring for his daughter on a constant basis.

2. Whatever the decision, it should be made jointly between both sets of parents. She is his daughter too so you have to allow him to participate in the decision making. Make sure the conversation focuses on what's best for your daughter all-around, not what will help one side or the other "make a point" or "teach her a lesson".

I agree with those who said it isn't the end of the world at this stage if grades slip a bit. The long term effect is what matters most. If you determine it is best for her to see that you are honoring her feelings and allowing her to make certain decisions for herself, let her go. If the environment at bio dad's house is destructive or dangerous and you fear for her well-being, make her stay. But the decision should be communicated jointly so that she can't point a finger at just you and step-dad for denying her what she wants.

Remember, you aren't limited to a "do I or don't I?" decision. Be creative; it could be that an in-between arrangement is what will work best. It will not be convenient, but not much about parenting is convenient!

Good luck to you.

Your 13 year old sounds just like me when I was 13. My Father wasn't around when I was little, but he started coming around when I was about 13. The only advice that I can give you is to get something in court saying she can only go to her Dad's on certain days. My Mom did let me go live with my Dad, and like your Husband said, "The grass isn't always greener on the other side." I found that out real quick. I moved back home and I had a new respect for my Mom. As a mother it is really hard to not give your children what they want. Especially if it has to do with the other parent. I would say to get a court document stating that she can only go there certain times. She's 13, she'll understand that if it is on paper. Plus he lives an hour away with no transportation. Who is taking her over there? Is it your gas? I was very rebellious when I was young. I hated my Step-Father (for different reasons though). Maybe if you go to court she will have a chance to talk to a Judge or somebody and that person will tell her where the best place for her to live is. If she does go and live with her Dad, just make sure you always call her and tell her you love her. It may annoy her sometimes, but with time she will realize that the best place for her to be is with you. Don't resent her if she lives there, that way when she is ready to leave she will know that she can come home to open arms. Good luck! God be with you and your decisions.