Seeking Mom's with Adult Children for Advise

Hi D.,

I think Becky got it right. I have an adult daughter (she'll be 21 in October), and I try very hard to learn from the mistakes my mom made with me.

Mom was never short of advice, and it strained our relationship up until her passing last winter. I've tried to remember all of the things Mom would do that made me want to strangle her, and I work very hard not to do the same thing.

Remember, you daughter is under a lot of stress. She doesn't want to make mistakes as a parent, which might lead to ammunition in your arsenal should you have a future disagreement. She also may want to show you that she can be a good parent without your help.

Suggestions to ending the situation ... this is tough. I think the best thing is to talk frankly, openly, and honestly. Above all, stick to the issue (what actions of hers are "intolerable?" Why/how are you affected by these actions?) and stay away from making it personal (she's not a bad person, her actions are hurtful). All the same communication tools we learn about in the office place work very well when dealing with touchy situations in the home.

Good luck D.. Please post an update an let us know how it goes.

V.

Hi D.,

It is so difficult to let them make their own mistakes. I have a 21 year old daughter, a 17 year old son, and two little daughters at home....7 & 3. My eldest children...daughter has moved out of state and my son decided he wanted to try living with his dad.

I have to say that I really do understand now what I put MY mother through when I was younger. With my oldest daughter, I have finally come to the conclusion that she is going to make her own decisions and mistakes regardless of anything that I say. I've tried to tell her and advise her so that she wouldn't make the same choices that lead to the same path that my life has traveled, but to no advail. Bottom line....they have to learn from their own mistakes. It is a secret source of amusement that whenever my daughter is catching up and telling me what is going on in her life and she says...."by the way mom, you were right about that...wish I would have listened to you".... I never say "I told you so"...I just listen and tell her that I love her. When I look back at my life, sometimes I joke with MY mom...."why didn't you tell me this or that? so that I wouldn't do it?" Her reply....Would you have listened?" (I really wish she could have prevented me from marrying my ex!...LOL!) But she is right...I would not have listened.

What you daughter is doing with your grandson....That is truly hard. I don't have grandchildren and I hope never to be in this situation as I know that your heart is breaking about it. However, that being said....Since you can only control your actions and responses, then it is best to take the high road. When you don't give in then eventually one of two things will happen, she will make the choice to build a relationship with you or not. Consistently call and ask to talk to the child if she is not letting you see them. But do it in a non-combative way. Let her know that you want to maintain a relationship with her and the child....The problem is that she has to realize that she is not just punishing You...she is punishing the child as well. I'm not sure if she is mature enough to see that and can only say that when she is older, she is sure to regret her actions. I wish that I could be more help or offer you better advice in this heartbreaking situation for you. Please know that I will keep you in my prayers.

S.

D.,

Well, I DO understand! Was your daughter always intolerable? I have 3 adult children and 2 are girls, 18 and 23. I keep my mouth shut. They don't want to hear any advice or constructive criticism, so I don't even try unless they ask. That may be the only way to maintain a relationship with your grandson-just grin and bear it. My 18 yr old is quite bitchy, so we don't hang out together. I try not to have lengthy conversations, either. My 23 is fine as long as I don't ruffle her feathers, so like I said, I just keep my mouth shut...at least until they grow up!
Sorry I couldn't be of more help, but maybe your daughter is just going through a phase.

B.

I know you asked for advise from parents, but I thought I might reply as I am just a little older than your daughter is. If your daughter is using her children to get at you, that is wrong. If she is intolerable, maybe she has some growing up to do. What I have found in the past is that it takes two to argue, but it can only take one child to make a mother frustrated beyond belief. I would just ignore her for a while and act like things don't bother you when she tries to make them bothersome. If she gets frustrated, just stay calm and tell her that you will talk about it later when she isn't so frustrated. If she continues to talk, as in over the phone, just say "goodbye for now" and hang up so that things don't get heated. And if she wants to keep coming over and try to make you mad at your house, just don't answer the door and tell her that you will calmly talk with her when she acts like an adult. If that still doesn't work, consider group counseling with a mediator. Maybe there is something really bothering her that you don't know about that will come out and can be solved. I hope everything works out for you and your daughter.

I can honestly say that I don't have older children (I am 23), but I can see where you are coming from. My mother said the same thing to me when we got into a fight. I don't necessarily hold him over her head per say, but if she and I are fighting I do not want my son to go around her because she bad mouths me in front of him. (Not saying you are doing this or would ever do this).
I do not do this intentionally to hurt her, but my kids do not need to be put in the position to hear someone talk bad about their mother.
In your case, if she is angry at you for something petty and she says "well you can't see him" then I would chalk it up for a little while. Things always get better. It's obviously going to hurt you, and what she doesn't realize is that she is hurting him more than anything. Eventually he will see what she is doing (when he grows up) and tell her about it. Unfortunatly if you tried to go for "grandparents rights" in the State of Ohio they can be granted by a judge but they are not enforcable by law. So the judge could say that you get your grandson every other weekend, but if she doesn't want him to go, she doesn't have to let him.
I hope this helps you. It's coming at it from the other side of the spectrum. I don't know the problems between you and your daughter, but mine and my mom's are many and frequent. We have AT LEAST one major fight a year, to where she wont see me for at least 3 months, and my son for 1. Just so things can blow over...maybe that's what it is - or maybe your daughter is just being juvenile.

I dont have adult children with children but when i do and they try that my reaction would like it doesnt bother me. Your daughter apparently isnt mature so let her play her game then when she sees it doesnt bother you she will change her ways.
Good luck

Cut her off. She is too old to be doing this to you. You did your job, you raised her to the 18 age. Tell her to handle her own problems, and when she decides not to scream at you anymore, then you will talk. Otherwise, don't bother calling.

I KNOW what I am talking about. I have done this with my children more than once. You HAVE to do this to show them how much you mean to them. Otherwise, you will be VERY taken advantage of (like she is doing to you now).

WARNING - It will hurt you to do this. But it HAS to be done, and it will work out in the future. It is called, tough love, and sometimes, it just has to be done.

Take Care!

I am not an adult mom yet but I was an adult daughter. I was awful to my mother and I am sorry to say it only changed in the last 10 years and it was a slow change. I am 40 now. I know, just tell me I was an awful person. I just thought my mom did not know much when I was first out on my own 19-27, I wanted to be my own person and make my own decisions. Understand, I did not drink or party or anything. I just did not think my mom knew how to raise kids like I did. LOL Look I turned out Great. HAHA

We always had a good relationship but I know I made her cry alot!! I now as a daughter listen to her but do not always take her advice but I am not "nasty" to her any more. I used to be so sarcastic and just plain mean. I have apologized to my mother and we do much better now. I hope your daughter comes around way before I did but I agree with the other person. Just do not give her advice unless she asks. I hope this was helpful.

C.
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