Seeking Help to Get My 4 Year Old Out of My Bed and in His Own

This might sound crazy but it helped my friend years ago.
She put up a baby gate at the childs door and sometimes would find her asleep on the floor by the gate in the morning but at least everyone got a good nights sleep!
I also remember reading in a book that another option is taking down the regular door and replacing it with a screen door, that way the child can see out and be heard but cannot leave the room. You may have to go into the room a few times but make it clear that you are there and can still hear him but that it is time for him to stay in his own room.
Something I used when my daughter was 3 and didn't want to stay in her room was we bought glow in the dark stars and a flashlight. We put them on the ceiling and walls above and next to her bed and she loved to watch them fade out and then "repower" them with her flashlight.
Pretty soon she would drift off and not use the flashlight.
She also enjoyed music boxes...
Also, both of my children loved to sleep with a lot of stuffed animals.

I dont know of any other way that will work at this point except to keep putting him back in his bed over and over as long as it takes. Tell him from now on and explain it to him as you put him to bed at night, then each time he gets up, put him back in his own bed without speaking to him (like on The Nanny, you've seen that right?) You will have to deal with the exhaustion until he gives up and accepts this new rule. The longer you wait the harder it will be.

Plan to do what your mom suggests during a vacation time when you stay home. This way you can keep bringing him back to his room, but not worry about having to go to work on little sleep. Also provide rewards for each night he stays in his own bed without waking you. Then extend the rewards for 3 nights, then a week, etc. My husband had to do this with my step-dtrs when they wre 2 and 3. It took about 6 weeks, but the first week was the hardest which is why we did it during a vacation time. After that, alternate between you and your husband bringing him back to his room. Also, he is old enough to pick out his own rewards, so it helps give him incentive to get what he wants. Make sure you have snuggle time before he goes to bed, and don't give into the crying when you leave! It is tough to do, but it can be done. Good luck!

He's 4 and way old enough to understand consequences. Put him in his room and when he wakes you in the night tell him not to wake you up or else. Then give him a consequence that will take place the next day. no tv, no video game, no snack..whatever will make him upset. tell him you dont care if he sleeps all night, but that he is not to wake you up anymore. Then if he wakes you up, go into his room and remind him of the consequence. If he doesnt stop calling you, do whatever you need to do to get your sleep and the next morning take away whatever you told him you would. DO NOT give it back for the rest of the day. When he asks for it, remind him why he cant have it, in a matter-of-fact voice, not an accusatory one. That night tell him if he doesnt wake you up he can have the whatever back, but if he does wake you up you will take away something else. Then do it. Eventually he will figure it out. He needs to learn to 'self-soothe'. I loved the movie Meet the Faukers and love that expression, but its true. He wakes up and cant get himself back to sleep.

My son just went through something similar about a month ago. He was in his bed, but he was waking up 3-4 times a night screaming for mommy and daddy, and then we'd have to lay with him until he fell back asleep. To break the habit, we bought him five of his favorite toys (matchbox cars). Every night that he didn't wake up screaming for us, he got a car in the morning. After five nights and five cars, we had him trained and he no longer screams for us at night.

Dear A.,

You need to get him out of your bed and get your husband back in. Start on a Friday this way you have the weekend off and can maybe catch a nap during the day. Like you said this is a habit you started and you are going to have to sacrafice some sleep to get him back on track. I suggest you make a structured bedtime routine, bath, story, tv show whatever and then clearly say it is time for you to go into your bed. If he is afraid of the dark put a night light, if he thinks you can't hear him maybe put an intercom whatever it will take for him to feel safe in his room and you to not give in. Sometimes we take the easy way out as parents and end up making it more difficult for ourselves in the long run. I would even go so far to say put a chair in his room and you or your husband stay in there until he is almost asleep and then leave. Each night move the chair closer and closer to the door and eventually not in there at all, but make him stay in his room. He will not outgrow this on his own trust me, my mom allowed us to sleep with her and then when my dad was fed up and made us go to our own room my brother slept in a sleeping bag on my floor because he was to afraid to sleep in his room. This went on until he was a teenager and I finally couldn't take it any longer. Your mom is right you need to do some tough love here, in the long run you will be teaching your son to rely on himself for comfort and that is a gift, not a punishment. Children need to see their parents in a normal marriage, where mom and dad sleep together, and you need to make your marriage a priority and everyone will be happier in the long run. Sleep deprevation may only be a small sacrafice for your son to gain some sleep independence. Good luck!!

The survivor kit someone previously mentioned was a great idea. I have a three year old and he didn't even have his own bed for a while-we shared a king sized family bed. However, we enlisted him to pick out the bedsheets, nightlight, and emphasize the coolness of him being a "big boy" and having his own bed that he designed. Everynight we get him his sippy cup with milk and ice, just like he likes it. We leave his door open a crack so he doesn't get scared alone (his request). And-if he needs it-he can bring ONE toy into his bed to sleep with (not to play with). For a while he asked to come into our room every night (at the most random hours) but a simple and firm "No SOrry buddy" did the trick. If we had to brign him back to his bed we did.

He is old enought to start with talking about it. Tell him he is a big boy and will be expected to sleep in his own bed from now on. To remind him to stay in his room, put a baby gate across his doorway so he can't get out. He won't like it, he will yell, cry etc. Put him firmly back to bed with a good night but no talking, etc. You will be tired for a few days but keep it up and he'll get the message. And you'll get your husband back. Good luck!

Hate to say it but your mom is right. You guys are going to have to deal with sleep deprivation for a week until you show your son that he can't do this anymore. You MUST or the behavior will not stop. It isn't right that your husband is in another room now.

You are going to have to take him to his room and every time he comes out, you take him back in and tell him it is time for bed and he must sleep in his own bed. I saw a couple on Supernanny not that long ago that sisters who would constantly come out until very late at night. After about a week of doing this, they stopped.

Sometimes easier isn't always better when it comes to parenting as we all know. You are going to have to decide to do it and stick with it and get your husband back in your bed where he belongs. In fact, that should happen immediately and then he should be helping you to take your son back into his room. The important thing is not to lose your temper. Just matter of factly tell him it is bedtime and that means him sleeping in his own bed. You love him and will see him in the morning.

Best of luck and I hope you update us.

L.

He will not outgrow it. Deal with it now. Keep taking
him back to his bed. You may have to do it twenty times,
just be consistent. He will get the message. Start on
a Friday night this way by Monday, there should be some
improvement. If not, just plan on being tired and
consistent. If not he is there to stay for quite a while.

A., I understand. My oldest son had been doig that since 2 1/2 years old and now he is almost 4 years old. When he started, I put him in with me (which is wrong because they think it's going to be like that all the time and it's unhealthy for relationship between my husband and I) and then put him back in his bed. Then when I realized it happened the next night, I was like no. So, what I did was I said, "No, I love you. You need to sleep in your own room like a big boy. Okay?" and I'll walk him back to his bed and tuck him in and kiss him good night and that was it. I did it for quite some time and then I got to the point that I said, "Oh, no, you can't sleep with us. I love you. Did you go potty? Go potty and go back to bed. I love you." And he was able to go to potty by himself and went back to bed. Now, it hasn't happened in a long time now and he did it the other night and I walked him back to his room because he went potty before coming to our room. So, he kows that he can't sleep in our room. It was hard for me but I had to do it for his sake, my sake, and the sake of my marriage with my husband. It's VERY UNHEALTHY if you let it go on. Now the way I handled it was good and healthy and he was being reassured that he was loved, safe, etc. If you yell at a child for that reason and tell him go back without reassuring, no that is not good either. I can tell you love him, but tough love is called for and that was what I had to do. I'll pray for you and your family that Jesus will give you His Wisdom if you ask for.

Hi A.,

While I support the idea of the family bed and there are times that the children slept with us, if it's causing the husband and wife not to sleep in the same bed, I think it needs to come to a stop. Please do not sacrifice your marriage to make your child happy. You can either insist that your child stay in his bed, lock your door so that he cannot get in, or rather than letting him in your bed if that disturbs hubby's sleep too much - put a mattress on the floor for him and let him know that he can quietly come in and sleep there, but if he makes noise and wakes up mom and/or dad, there will be consequences - and follow through.
I would not, as another poster suggested, sleep in his room with him, that is just another bad habit you will need to break and doesn't get the goal of you and hubby in your bed together. But if you are sleeping separately and your child is 4 years old, this can cause irreparable damage if not addressed
Good luck

Take a few days off (hubby too) and then stick it out. Set up a reward system for a while. If you stay in your bed tonight then tomorrow you get... (a specal treat, time at the park, a friend over for a few hours, whatever) Then if you stay in your bed for 1 week then you get... (something a little bigger). Also have if you don't stay in your bed you... (have no TV, video games, etc).

Also give him a night light, a sippy cup of water, a night light in the bathroom and a book or toy next to his bed. This is his "survivor kit" so to speak. That way he has some light in his room, in the bathroom, a drink and something to do. I also gave my daughter a digital clock and taught her that the first number had to be a 6 before she could get in my bed. (We get up at about 7am so 1 hour of her in bed with me, hubby works night, was fine.) She also was told if the clock wasn't at 6:?? then she had to get back in her bed. Even at 4yo she knew her #6 and she (mostly) followed the rules. A.

I know this is not an immediate solution, but can you start out by sleeping in *his* room with him? That will at least begin to break his habit of sleeping in your bed, and will hopefully accustom him to spending the entire night in his own room. (Personal note: This is why our son has a full-sized bed ;-). My husband or I went through a period where we'd sleep in his bed with him--I know, I know--then a period we'd just stay with him until he fell asleep. For the record, he now sleeps beautifully on his own and in his bed.)

Are they other ways you can make his bed more fun for him, like special character sheets; e.g. Spiderman, Batman?

Do you know why he wants to be with you? Is he scared? Maybe there's a way to address his specific reasons/fears. . .

Good luck!

Hi Anna

I just got my big guy - who turned 5 in Oct -- to consistently stay in his own bed. Three triggers were (1) starting kindergarden so he's pooped; (2) he independently decided that he was a big boy once he turned 5 (I think he got it from his friends at school); and (3) a book called "Llama, Lama Red Pajama". I think one and two were luck and circumstance. Three was a G_d send. The book is about going to bed with out Mama in the room. It's the cutest book and I picked it up simply 'cause it looked like a good bedtime story. After the second night, he wanted to stay in his own bed like Llama Llama and because he was a big boy.

Give it a shot. Good luck!

I had similar sleep problems with my son, who is younger than yours. Due to the age difference the tricks I used probably won't work for you, but the book I used should. Check out the "No Cry Sleep Solution for Toddlers and Preschooolers" by Elizabeth Pantley. She offers really gentle tested techniques to solve all sorts of sleep problems. And the book also helps by making you realize you're not alone! My son still comes into bed with us every morning, and sometimes earlier when sick, etc. We are finally in a comfortable sleeping arrangement! Note that she has another book with a similar title for babies (this one obviously won't be applicable). They might have it at the library.