Sassy 6 Year Old - Littleton,CO

It's a stage, we went through it, too. When you hear the disrespectful tone come out, immediately correct her, show her how rude it sounds and model a tone and sentence that are respectful and help her ultimately "get what she wants." Because a nasty tone never achieves that and in fact, can be punishable instead. Show her how.

She is acting this way because she's six, and it's a natural developmental stage. We're so overloaded with diagnoses, causes, and books to fix every problem nowadays that we sometimes forget that kids are snippy or whiny or shy (or whatever) just because they are. She's testing boundaries and learning what gets the right reaction. It's natural. So just hang in there and realize that 99.9% of sassy six year olds turn into healthy, respectful, and wonderful adults.

I have two six year old girls myself and the sassiness drives me up a wall. One day they're both respectful and helpful and the next, someone is snippy because I handed her the wrong color tshirt. So I do feel your pain. All you can do is be as consistent as possible. If she snaps that "I wanted round waffles" you can reply back with "well, I can't read your mind so you got square ones." And then refuse to engage anymore about it.

One thing that has worked for me is responding with something a bit off the wall that stops them in their tracks. This morning when P walked up to me and demanded: "I want a glass of water", I simply said, "I want a pet frog." It baffled her enough to stop the whining/demanding, and she remembered to then say "Mom, can I have a glass of water please?". It doesn't always work, but sometimes. I've also found that explaining too much doesn't help, so I usually just say "try again" when there's a particularly whiny or moody demand.

It's a stage, and with the right guidance she will grow out of it.

When my SD was 6, she was demanding, sassy, rude, short with people and a bit whiny. We stuck with natural consequences and she grew out of it.

If she demanded something we either ignored her or told her that she needed to ask in a polite tone. We don't "hear" demands. Make sure you are modeling this to her as well, and that you ask her politely as well. Sometimes we demand things of our kids instead of asking and it goes both ways.

If she forgot to say "thank you" then the thing she was given was taken back.

If she asked if she could have two of something when one was offered, then she got nothing. Same goes for "upgrading." If we offered to be nice and buy her something, she was NOT to ask for two or something more expensive.

We removed the words "I want" and she needed to say "I would like" or "Can I please have." If she started a sentence out with "I want" then she needed to start over.

If she criticized her food, it was taken away. She was allowed to say she didn't care for something, or that she wasn't hungry and we never forced her to eat anything. However, she was not allowed to criticize the food like "I don't LIKE beans" or "I didn't want waffles!" in a whiny tone. Plate was removed, end of story.

By age 8 she was a VERY sweet and polite child. She still is. She has wonderful manners.

We never punished by taking away TV or anything, we just made her repeat requests or did natural consequences. I don't think kids that age make the connection between the consequence and the action. The consequence has to be immediate for it to work.

Good luck!

Just get real basic about it.
Don't try and negotiate or rationalize or get too wordy or fancy in explaining things to her.
Just say, when she is sassy or doing something icky:
1) That is WRONG.
2) That is inappropriate
3) That is mean
4) that is Unacceptable.
Then tell her "That was wrong. You know that. REDO that...." and then, just stand there, tell her to redo it. And wait. And make her APOLOGIZE to you for it.
I work at my kids' school, and SO often, I see kids who, EVEN if they know they were icky... they WILL NOT, apologize. Kids these days, don't seem to even know how. They are just too used to, getting wordy explanations for "why" they can't do something. And then put in time out or scolded. But they are NOT taught, HOW TO.... REDO their actions, nor how to apologize. Or how to admit... they did something wrong or unacceptable.

Ya GOTTA make sure, to keep it simple. And basic. Make sure she KNOWS:
wrong/right
mean/nice
acceptable/unacceptable
appropriate/inappropriate
And repeat those words, if/when she does something, wrong.
Don't talk in wordy paragraphs. Just a short efficient pointed sentence.

And if she puts on a tantrum or hissy-fit.
FINE.
Tell her "That is not acceptable. When you are done, I will be doing chores. You come and tell me..." and have her apologize.
A child, WILL deflate on their own.
And then walk away.

DO NOT ASK HER "can you speak more nicely...." Just TELL her "Talking like that is wrong. You KNOW that. Redo it. Now." Then, look at her.
Be, more direct and stronger with her.
Direct. Simple. Pointed sentences. Not paragraphs.
And tell her to redo it. MANY kids, don't even know how. Nor try. NOR do they even know how to apologize. Nor do they care to.
That in itself, is "wrong."

Just teach her the basics.
Keeping it simple.

And if she is so fussy, tell her "You are fussy. You need to nap..." and then, go and do it.

All kids can be sweet and sassy and very bright and creative and active and caring the next.
But they need to know, the basics.
Right/wrong
mean/nice
acceptable/unacceptable
appropriate/inappropriate.
AND how to, redo it. And how to, apologize.
Don't get all flowery and wordy with your reasoning to her when she does wrong. Just keep it direct, and basic.

Since she is 6, she may not comprehend what is "respectful" or not. OR she simply does NOT know, what is "respectful." That is a bit more of an abstract... word for young kids.
So again, teach her and reinforce, the BASICS, as I mentioned above. Before you expect, more of her.

And when she is in a normal mood, THEN, you can chat. About what the heck she is feeling or why she is "frustrated. IF she is.
And if she is, then TEACH her how to talk.
Many kids are told "Use your words..." But, they do NOT even know... what or which "words" to use, nor how.
So, teach, her.
Role play.

EVEN if she is jealous of her sibling... it is wrong. TEACH her she can talk about... her feelings. But NOT lash out. She can be grumpy, but say it differently.
From when my kids were 2 years old, I began teaching them things like that. At 3 years old, my son could tell me "Mommy I am grumpy.... I'm going over there. I want to be by myself..." and he would go to the other room. At only 3, he could do this. Once, I noticed he was grumpy. So I told him "Are you irritated?" And he said "NO Mommy, I am frustrated...." He KNEW, his feelings and the difference between being "grumpy" or "irritated" or "frustrated." And he would TELL ME, why.

If you THINK your daughter is "craving attention" from you, then Simply... ask... her. And if she does need more attention, fine. There is nothing wrong with that. She just needs to learn how... to say it, and know that she can, tell, you.
Ask her, why she is grumpy or frustrated.
Even if they don't know right now, nor be able to express why... in time, a child WILL be able... to know themselves... and... tell, you.
If you don't know her or her moods or her cues... then ask her.... what is going on. In a calm, manner.
My son is 6.
He CAN tell me, exactly, what is bugging him. And why. He knows himself. Good mood or not.
I do not, scold or punish my 6 year old son... for being grumpy or frustrated. Because, he can express it. Well.
BUT on the other hand, if a kid is just being a brat to be a brat, then fine. Discipline is in order.
Per an adult... if YOU were grumpy and snippy and things were bothering you- would you want someone to scold you for it and punish you for it? Or, would you want them to, assist you, in that?
There is a time and a place for assisting a child with their moods. And/or for them being... just a disobedient brat.
We as parents, have to know the difference.

Sorry this is so long and I am rambling.
But wanted to add:
I have 2 kids. With my eldest one, WHEN OR IF she "complained" about her younger brother.... I would acknowledge her frustrations. I would say "I know, it can be frustrating with a younger sibling... " and that alone could key her down. And her mood. It gave her empathy... from ME. It showed her *I* understood, her.
THEN, in tandem with that, as a routine... I would EXPLAIN to my eldest, about her little brother's development. Every month or week if need be. I would tell her how he is changing in his mind and physically. Why he can or cannot do things, LIKE her. That even if she is the oldest... SHE DOES not have to be "older." I know she is a little kid, herself. But that, her little brother is not able to talk/walk/do things, as well as her. Yet.
AND my explaining these things to her, helped her... to be more empathetic.. toward her little brother.

And... also praise her when you notice she does something pleasant or nice. I don't mean praising every little thing. And say "I appreciate that...." to her. It shows her, reciprocation and, that you, noticed. Its indirect feedback for a kid. It encourages. Them.

Without being there it is hard to say. Your examples aren't really sassy or disrespectful.

"I wanted round waffles!"......."I'm sorry, we have square, eat up."

"Jake (her little brother) is mean"....."Nope he's just ? (age), you were the same way at that age"

No disrespect. No reason to get frustrated.

Now I have one that has a 'tone' to her voice. I used to think it was being rude or disrespectful, but then I realized that it was really neither. It's her voice and the way she talks. It was frustrating as heck, but once I figured it out it was easier to deal with. I had to pay more attention to her words, and put less focus on the tone. She couldn't hear herself, so for her she really wasn't trying to be rude.

What worked was her friends when she got older. They ask her why she is being so snappy or rude, she of course wasn't (they eventually figured out what I did). At 19 though she has learned to hear herself and she pays closer attention to what she says.

To me at this age it is all about discipline. I say that because my daughter is 7, and I've watched all of her friends (and she has attempted it) get snippy and even super b****y. Bottom line is that the kids with parents with no tolerance for bad attitudes and disrespect and effective discipline have girls who grow past it. We have tons of girl cousins from very firm (but extremely loving) families who are all sweet teens, but their moms have told me they all tried the snotty, mean, angry tweenie thing between the ages of 6 and nine. It was effectively snuffed in no uncertain terms, but they were tough on it.

My daughter has two friends who have parents more in the "I try to understand, it's normal, sometimes we remove a privilege" type camp, and I'm not gonna lie, these girls are getting worse and worse. I just bailed from a play date because I just can't handle how rude they are. They've invited my daughter to sleepovers and I've said no just because it would be too many hours spent with mean, rude girls who are really nice "sometimes". Their parents THINK they're tough on it, but they're really not tough on it. I've been tougher on my daughter for it and she hasn't even approached their level. The very first time my daughter rolled ehr eyes and said something snide to me I got down to her level and gave her a CLEAR warning about what disrespect is and that it was not gonna fly. I never let it grow past that level and she had no need to doubt me. Even though she doen't get too angry or defiant, she will get a little snippy now and then and if it's not legitimate fatigue or sadness of some sort on her part (sometimes we're all al little off), she'll be reminded that it's an unkind attitude and sent to clean her room right away or some other very annoying consequence (that's NOT very tough at all and would not have prevented attitude, but we're just on light maintenance at this point-I would be much tougher if she had a worse issue). I also make sure not to talk that way to people so the message makes sense.

I don't think your daughter has an imbalance. If you think it could be medical, have it checked out, but I think it's a testing parenting phase and you need to prevail. Have a sit down. Let her know what her consequences will be for disrespect and bad attitude. EVERY TIME. Continue to model love and respect yourself, and when she acts out, follow through calmly and immediately every time with you consequences. Make them count.

In our house, if anyone stated "I wanted round waffles" we'd take the waffles away and lunch will come up several hours later.
This is the food there is to eat - their choice is to eat it or go without.
Missing a meal every once in awhile never hurt anyone.

My Mom had a bar of Ivory soap she use to save especially for washing out our mouths for sassing and being disrespectful.
I've never had to do that with our son.

You can tell her "I didn't like the way that came out. Think of a better way to say it and try again.".
Repeat as necessary.
Eventually she'll learn to think about what to say before she opens her mouth but it's going to take a lot of practice.

She is a six year old girl. Just stand your ground with regard to expectations. Little girls can be very very sassy. Nip it now or it will only get worse.

Some people are just sassy by nature. And in a lot of contexts, it's a really good thing. I think you can address some of it by just not "hearing" what she says if it's in a sassy tone. This is what I've done for whining -- "Sorry, I can't understand that voice. Sorry, I have no idea what that voice is saying, so I can't help you here." My son will also sometimes use what we call an "officer voice," where he'll bark orders, and I'll say, "Excuse me, General, do I work for you? Well, I need a raise. That order will be $200 please." But, I don't think a loss of TV privileges is really a natural consequence for a sassy tone. It's better just to make that voice ineffective.

I have a cousin whose voice is like nails on a chalkboard... she sounds like she is whining ALL the time. In reality, it's just the tone in her voice. My husband sounds like he's "snapping" when he talks. He isn't, it's just the way he speaks... his father is a native German and they all talk like that.

What I'm getting at here is that your examples sound very typical of a 6 year old and it may be the 'tone" in her voice that you are responding to more than her actual words. At that age, the world revolves around them and they are just beginning to explore empathy.

Rather than reminding her to use respectful words (that really has no meaning), ask her to say/ask again using a "kind voice" and then model it for her. "Mommy, do we have round waffles?" then have her repeat it.

My daughter is almost 6 and sometimes talks this way. It's not really being sassy though. There are times she is sassy and really whiny and talking back, but other times she just says whatever and it sounds more like complaining. I am working with her on this and it is getting better. I've told her if she wants something done or wants something to be different, she needs to ask nicely, not just blurt out "But I don't LIKE eggs!" Sometimes I just restate what she should have said: "No thank you" or "Can I have toast instead please?" And other times I just tell her, try that again. I also will flat-out not respond to what she wants if her tone is not what I expect to be. If she complains that she doesn't like what is for dinner, I just shrug and say, "Oh well."