Question for Moms/Dads of School-age Boys

I would Just wait until there the bathroom is clear of all men. Better safe than sorry. To many horror stories. You seem to be getting pretty good advice. I have a little girl, but I had three little brothers growing up, and I always made them go in with me, until about age 10, and even then, I was concerned and stood watch by the men's door entrance like a lioness.

I have 2 boys, ages 7 and 5. It really depends on where we are, but usually we are some where I feel safe letting my 7 year old go alone. I will allow my 5 year old to go into the mens room if his brother is with him, but if not I will take him into the ladies. My 7 year old started asking to use the men's room when he was 5. I would let him if there was no one else in there and I stood outside the door. I like that it helped foster independence. I really think it depends on the child and Mom's comfort level.

Well, I think it was about 8-9 years old. I would let him go to the Men's bathroom, but I would always stay by the door. I know how you feel, it is a bit scary at first, but it will get easier.

I have four boys (now aged 13-21). I let them go to mens' bathrooms when THEY were comfortable with the idea. Usually around four or five, when they realized that going to mommy's bathroom was embarrassing.

Please remember that 99.999% of men in public restrooms are dads or grandparents or sons or uncles or brothers. They are kind, helpful and polite. I have occasionally had to flag one down and ask them to check on my son, and I have always gotten considerate and friendly help.Most men are not predators.

Teach your child some basic safety rules and then let him fly. They have to grow up sometime.

I suggest you read "Free Range Parenting" (the website or the book). Lenore Skenazy covers the statistics and generally serves as a beacon to those of us who want our kids to grow up normal and not paranoid.

T.
http://mothershandbook.net

I didn't let any of my boys go into a mens room by themselves until they were in 4th grade. That is when my oldest showed discomfort about going into the ladies rooms. Family restrooms are becoming more common and if you can find one of those, that may be a good option.

You can stand right outside the bathroom and have him sing a song so you know he is okay.

If we are in busy cities or airports, I don't always give my boys the choice of coming in with me. The older women don't care and they are not usually crowded.

My son is about to be 6. I sometimes let him go in the mens. It just depends on where we are and I usually stand right outside. I tell him not to talk to anyone and don't let anyone touch him. Mostly I still take him with me, but he is also getting uncomfortable with going into the ladies rooms. Just follow your gut feeling.

Like a lot of the other moms who have posted, I go by a place-by-place basis. There are some places I feel comfortable letting my 7-year-old son go into the men's restroom by himself: church, Chick-Fil-A, McDonald's, even Target or Wal-Mart, with me standing by the door the entire time and opening the door a bit to ask if he's okay if he's taking longer than I expect. But there are lots of places--the mall, even, and places that are too crowded for my comfort--where I don't feel comfortable sending him in by himself, and he has been okay with this split set of rules.

I don't have a boy, but it's the same quandry for either sex.

We started letting our daughter go to the restroom by herself the summer between 2nd / 3rd grade. When we did this we always made sure we could see the door to the restroom - regardless of our local. If we thought she had been in there too long we checked on her. Usually as we were nearing the door she was coming out.

Take baby steps and always be aware of who is coming and going from the restroom while your son is in there.

You did not say how old he is. If he is in school please let him go. Try this in a place that is not real busy, for the first few times. Then when you do need to go someplace that is busy stay close by the outside door. Be sure and let him know that if anyone touches him to not be afraid to tell you, and explain that some people are not always nice. No need to go any further at this point.

My son is 8 and I still do no allow him into the mens restroom alone. Everyones child is different and at this point I know my son is not capable of paying attention to everything around him. We have talked about stranger danger etc. but I still think he is too little to fend off any kind of attack or advance.

So if we are alone he's stuck going in the ladies room. He doesn't like it but I tell him too bad. I assure him that other women in there are moms too and no one cares. PLus there are stalls in there and he can have privacy.

I'm thinking 10 may be the age when I can stand outside the mens room door but it will depend on him. We live in such crazy times with such sick people. I don't care about the 99.9999% of nice normal people that frequent mens rooms it's that 0.00001% that makes me concerned. I don't care how small the chance is I'm not willing to take it with my child. Especially after the news stories I have read, and it's not just adults we have to worry about anymore. More and more we are hearing in the news that older children are assaulting other children.

Better be safe than sorry! Don't feel bad about protecting your child!

It is great that a lot of places now have family restrooms, but many don't so the better thing to do is make everyone go before you leave the house! lol

I don't think I ever got to the point where I was comfortable sending my son into the men's room by himself. I can remember getting odd looks as I stood at the door of the men's RR, with my foot holding the door open. I would call his name every ten seconds. I finally stopped when my son told me he was old enough to go by himself and that I was emabarrassing him. He was probably about ten at this point. Of course I gave him the old, "I'm your mother and I just want to protect you until I feel that you can protect yourself". I have real strong trust issues, so even though I would let him go in by himself, I would make a mental picture of every man that went in after him. Some habits are hard to break.

More important than age is the ability to look confident (and not scared) and be able to act assertively if something happened.
For us, my oldest was about 10. My husband went with him all the time whenever possible, and trained him over a period of weeks on what to do if something happens. My husband told him to use the stall, not the urinal with others, until he was older.

When my husband was not around, I stood right outside the door, waiting. My son was told to yell if there was anything or anyone suspicious tried anything!!!

Once he really had to go and went into the bathroom at the zoo, but his zipper got stuck, and he yelled for me. Just, "MOM!" is all he yelled. I totally freaked out and ran in to the mens room while 2 guys were at the urinal. My son was in a stall. The other men were horrified, but I didn't care. Afterwards, I apologized to them, but said, my son yelled for me, and I wasn't going to wait to see who else was in there. One was understanding, one was pretty ticked....but oh well.

S., This was a real battle for us as well. My son will turn 10 this September and I just started lettting him go to the mens restroom. We gave him strict rules to abide by and I usually stand at the door and I wont hesitate to go in, if I have to. I dont know how old your son is but if he is around this age, then talk with him about inappropriate behavior and that he is not to talk to anyone under any circumstances and he is not to play. Get his business done and get out. I have been letting my 9 year old take my 5 year old as well and he watches out for him and that helps too because I feel they are together. Anyway, good luck with that and I think that if you teach them what is right and wrong and that a bathroom is not somewhere we play and make new friends, then you should be OK.

I had a different post planned. It was originally going to be just "age 7, not any older" - short & sweet; but after reading the other moms' posts I have a different opinion about how old is too old - I've raised that age from 7 to now 10 and will continue to base it on a place-by-place basis. However, I did ask my daughter her opinion just to get a kid's thoughts and it is below.

My daughter is 9.5 and my son just turned 6. I know this was about boys, but it applies to girls out with Dad, as well. I started to let each of them go on their own at about 5.5 years. Our daughter stopped going into the mens' room with my husband and started going into the womens' alone when she was about 5.5 and my husband would wait outside. My husband said the men would notice her come in and literally high-tail it out of there. It should be the same with the boys. Someone here is going to get upset that she went in there, but where was she supposed to go when I wasn't with them? They hadn't started making Family Restrooms available, yet, and women would have made a fuss if he had chaperoned her in the womens' room. Same question as when Dad isn't with our son.

With my son I usually let him go alone if it is not very busy (WalMart, HEB or a restaraunt where we can monitor who goes in and out). For the most part, though, I usually take him with me, but he's getting modest already. I'll probably quit taking him completely about age 7 (I've changed my mind to 9 or 10 after reading other posts). I don't cover his eyes in the womens' room since there are doors on the stalls and I've taught both of my kids it is rude to try to peek. I don't normally see women running around half-dressed outside of the stalls.

I asked my daughter, who is 9.5, this morning how she feels on this topic and should her Dad make her use the mens' room if I'm not there. She looked at me like I had two heads. She would be totally embarassed - her words. She was horrified at the thought of running into one of her male classmates (aged 9-10, 3rd grade) in the womens' room or if she ran into one while going into the mens' room. She said she would rather try to hold it until she got home. We need to think of our kids' and other kids' emotions, too, not just the fears of grown-ups.

I'm going to be very unpopular with this, but I do have a problem with the 10-year-olds and older coming in just based on how the kids feel about it and that they are hitting puberty. Would you insist that your 9- or 10-year-old daughter go into the mens' room with Dad or Grandpa since there are sick women out there, too? Yes, there are women who hurt kids, too. It IS the same question because my husband spends what we call Daddy-time-with-the-kids/Mommy-time-without-the-kids. I am not embarassed for myself that the boys are in there, I am embarassed FOR them because they feel humiliated about being treated like a baby.

As long as you can time and monitor them from right outside the door and hear them yell your code word, then you should be able to let them go in on their own, just like Dad has to do. You CAN go in if you feel the need. I know it's a big bad world out there, but we do need to teach them to do things on their own and how to watch out for themselves.

If your son is school age, just be sure he knows all the cleanliness rules and knows that you are just outside the door and if he needs help for any reason, he can call you.

Hi S.,
I went through this same dilema raising my 2 sons as well. They are grown men now, but this is what I did. I took both of my boys with me into the ladies room until they were about 8. After that I would try to monitor who went in and out of the mens room, while standing close enough to the mens restroom door that I could hear if one of my sons ever called out. The other thing I did was give them a WHISTLE on a break-away chain to wear around their neck, but under their t-shirts (not noticeable). I told them if they ever needed help to blow the whistle as hard as they could. The younger of the two actually blew the whistle once because he was in the stall and there was no toilet tissue. (ha!) Let me tell you, I was IN the mens room in a HEART-BEAT. The only other man in there was stunned, but when he realized what had happened he laughed and left. Decent men DO understand and most likely won't give a hoot if you're in there. A predator on the other hand would hopefully RUN to the nearest exit once the child called attention to his behavior. Thank goodness my sons never blew it for any other reason. Although that is funny story, it is a VERY SERIOUS issue that unfortunately mothers need to be extremely concerned about. By the way, about 15 years ago a child (age 5) went into the mens restroom at a stadium in Lubbock, TX. The child was assaulted by 4 teenage boys (older teens) and castrated. The child died. Please do whatever is necessary to protect your child. Your gut instinct is the best indicator of what to do or not do in these situations.
Best of luck to you and your son!
J. L
Austin

Isn't it sad that we even have to talk about this? My advice is safety first. The family restrooms are becoming more popular, that would be the best option. Otherwise, listen to your inner voice on a case by case basis. When in doubt, take the safest choice.

I would think about age 7-9 depending on the child. Teach him about stranger danger. Not to belive any threats a stranger/or even some one he knows, makes. I am all about education when it comes to dangers, teaching your kids about drugs what they are when they are ok ( prescribed) also about guns they are real super neat to look at, but if at a friends house and they show dads gun with out dad being there tell the friend to put it down...education and prevention and what to do when it happens. Just my opnion. * i agree with other posts let him try a few times and he will probably get a little freaked out with out the comfort of you.

I never allow my younger boys to go to a public bathroom without an adult. EVER. There are just too many cases of children being violated or mutilated or kidnapped from bathrooms. Boys are particularly vulerable because of the urinals. Untill they are big/strong enough to actually stand a chance at fighting off an adult man they do not go to a public restroom without an adult. I've had to wait till there was an empty bathroom and send a child in while I stood right by the door - they hate it!!! I have 4 boys so this has been a little easier for me now that my oldest two are big enough to take younger ones to the restroom. I guess it is more personal to me because I know a family who's son was mutilated in a bathroom...he bled to death before anyone knew there was a problem. I think he was 8 years old.

I have two sons, 8 and 5. They have to go with me in huge places and I cover their eyes until we get to a stall. It makes some women uncomfortable to see males (even small ones) in the Ladies Bathroom. Otherwise at Wal-mart, I let them go in together. The rule is "yell my name" if something is wrong. I stand right outside the door. I have gone into the men's bathroom at a restaurant because my named was yelled. False alarm but I take no chances. The two men at the urinal were quite surprised. I watch my children like a hawk. I would do whatever makes you feel comfortable and the heck with anyone else's opinion. You are their Mom, what you say goes.

I asked the same question to the Director of the Heidi Search Center who advised against letting our children go to a public bathroom by themselves. I haven't done this yet, but her advice was to 1. not allow it; 2. If child is insistent, buy walkie talkies so that at the immediate push of a button he can call for help; 3. walkie talkies are better - one push of a button, but cell phones can be used. Just call each other and keep talking to him/her while they are in the bathroom; or have him keep talking to you. You can hear everything going on too. Ha - with these options your son may just give up and go in with you.

This too is a problem I encountered with my son. He was fine to come to the ladies with me up until about 7, then he started to feel a bit uncomfortable. Around 7 to 71/2 I began letting him go by himself, and I would wait right at the door (I don't care what that looks like, my son's safety is more important than what people think of me!). I would call out and hear his reply and that made me feel safer. I tried to not let my paranoia spook him though, I just told him I wanted to know where he was, and did not say anything about what I was obviously afraid of.

Another really good thing parents can do for childrens safety is to have a quiet calm chat about appropriate behavior from adults. It is important to stress that no adult EVER should be asking for help/directions/advice from a child. This is usually how pedophiles approach young children, and most kids are socialized to be obedient to adults which puts them in danger. Stress that adults who need help should ask another adult, not kids. I also teach him to spot 'safe' people; mothers with small children, police people (obviously), security guards, store workers - so if they feel unsafe with another adult they can go to a 'safe' adult and say they don't feel right with this person.

Hi Shiela,
wow, this is really an issue in todays climate. I would think around 7sh or 8- depending on your child BUT, I would never allow my boys to go alone- I would stand at the door and if they were not out in just a minute or two- I was in there after them...........kinda risky but that is what I did with my boys...just to be sure they were protected.
Another thing I did was for a few minutes before I would allow them in- I would watch tosee who was going in and coming out-
be sure your boy knows to make a lot of noise is anyone tries to touch him.......just a precution
good luck and blessings

I started letting my 7 year old go into some restrooms by himself when he was 6. It was only when I could be right outside the door.

I have found that he would rather go in the ladies room with me. Maybe the pressure of Mommy worrying so much made him start worrying too. I don't know. He is still willing to go into the Costco bathroom by himself, though.

As for reactions from ladies in the restroom, I've never had an issue. I think that most of time, ladies understand exactly why there is a little boy in there. Sometimes, there are big boys in there as well.

It reminds me of a sign I remember seeing at the San Francisco airport about 15 years ago. It said "no boys over 5 allowed in the ladies room." Something tells me that sign is long gone. It's not that today is more dangerous. We are more aware of the dangers. 15 years ago, it wasn't made public that boys were being hurt in the restrooms. That awareness has helped us moms to protect our sons in a way that our moms never could.

There is no right or wrong answer. It's up to you as a parent. Just know that the majority of ladies in the restroom fully understand. Those that don't, well their opinions don't matter in your life anyway.

At the time my son started to feel uncomfortable that's when I decided to let him go to the men's but it also depended of the place. If the place definitely did not gave a good feeling then I took him with me. I also waited right outside the men's restroom for him and checked the time he spent inside.

Hi S.,

Parent Coach J. B here. I have three sons and faced the same issue you are describing. While our first concern should always be for our children's safety, we don't want to cause an over-whelming amount of fear in our children's world. In this case, while you want to keep your son safe, you don't want to cause him to think every man he encounters in a public restroom means him harm.

As far as this issue goes, I looked at what age and level of maturity my son was. This felt right for me when he was closer to 9 or 10 years of age. If the restroom was in a nicer area, I let him go, if not, we found a better restroom. I also checked to make sure there was only one entrance / exit door and stood near it. If my son did not come out in a reasonable time (warn him ahead of time), I usually asked a gentleman exiting the restroom to check on him or stepped inside the door and called to him. This always worked fine for us.

Good luck!
Parent Coach J. B

I have an 11 year old nephew that lives with me. I started letting him go at about 8-9 depending on how busy it was. I stand right by the door and if he is not out in a reasonable time I open the door and ask if he is ok.(crazy I know, but you can never be to safe) I also carry purell in my purse so I tell him not to wash his hands and this cuts down on the time he is in there.

Hi. I have two boys ages 10 and 7.

I started letting my oldest son go into restrooms alone when he was 9.5yrs. This is my rule.
My 10 year old can go in the restrooms in places where it is not busy, the restroom is not large and where I can monitor who is going in and out. I stand by the door and wait. I call in if it is taking too much time.
My 7 year old goes in with me. Or if my 10 year old is with us and it is it not busy, or large and I can monitor it, then they go in together.
In amusement parks and other busy and public places, they come in with me and there little sister (they hate it).

when i am in public with my 8 year old i will let him go in the mens bathroom at wal-mart cause there is only one door and i stand outside the door and wait. i also let him go in the family bathroom if the store has one and i always go and wait by the door otherwise he goes in the ladies room with me and if i have to go to the bathroom i make him go in the ladies room with me and wait right outside the bathroom stall door till i am finished..never can be to careful

You've got a ton of advice...and good stuff. My little boy is 4 and he is so independent. I've told him when he is with Mommy he needs to go in the ladies room. The exception and it's only at certain places...I make sure there's no one in the mens room and let him go in by himself. I also stand right next to the door. Like I said it has to be a place where I pretty much know there won't be any traffic going in ....otherwide despite his protests we use the ladies room.

My son is 8 and I still have him go into the ladies bathroom with me....now a days I believe it's to scary to let our kids go to the bathrooms on there own. I have known families that have had some horrible things happen to there kids while letting them go in on there own.. being that said...uncomfortable or not I feel for the safety of my child he will continue to go into the ladies restroom. So far my son is not uncomfortable with the ladies restroom as his father and I have explained to him that it's not always safe for him to go on his own. Best of luck to you and your decision on when to let him go on his own.

My son will be 12 in July and I still don't let him go by himself. He does go into the mens bathroom, but I discreetly go as well. I will hang in the hall until he comes out or will walk into the ladies room to wash my hands and quickly walk out. He is older, so I don't want to make him feel as though he is still a baby, but he is my baby and wil do what I have to in order to make sure he and my other two are always safe. And if he didn't like it, tough, he'd have to live with it:) But, for now he does not mind, but does not really see what I am doing either. Of course if dad or uncles are around I always have someone go with him.

God...I have to agree with the previous poster, and you...I have a 4 yo son myself and have no idea when it will be appropriate and SAFE to allow this...I started letting my oldest daughter go into the public bathrooms on her own when she was 9 and a half and that was ONLY if I was where I could watch the comings and goings of said bathroom...and I timed how long she was gone...if she was gone too long I went right in to see why...with a boy this will be a FAR more difficult process!!!

Great question!! I have a 2 1/2 yr old son and was wondering about this too. I'm looking forward to reading your responses.

My son will be 20... Ha ha... Just kidding.. Maybe... It's a scary world...

Arounthe age of six but i would stand next to the door and if i felt it was taking to long just oped the door a little and ask him if he is ok nobody has ever said anything to me about it good luck J.

My oldest (now 7) started going in public bathrooms by himself around 5 yrs old. My youngest is 4 1/2 and has gone by himself 2 or 3 times. I am not at all worried during the times I have let them, but I make the decision as to whether they can go by themselves or not. I do not go into the women's while they go into the men's, but rather wait outside the door while they go in. So far the only places either has done it is at Walmart, HEB, Lowe's, Home Depot, and the T&C ball field. When we go to large places (like the Astros games) they come in with me or my hubby goes with them.

I am the mother of two liitle boys and I really worry about this one too. If you let them go in you need to know the integrity of the men who are in there. I heard of a nasty incident involving a poor 10 year old boy. Maybe they could use a family bathroom instead until they are bigger.
Sorry if this is not useful, but I would not send a kid into a bathroom with some of the freaks that hang around mens rooms.
W.

I have a 6 year old and he does not go in by himself. I am anxious to hear the "advice" on this topic...

I have an almost 6 year old son and I don't intend to let him go on his own until he's 12. I honestly don't care if I offend anyone. My children are the world to me and are worth more than someone's momentary discomfort.

One thing to note: Why would there be discomfort anyway? Each toilet comes with a locking door and no one pees in front of others--such as in the mens room with the urinals.

With regular bathrooms I always wait for the handy-capped stall to become available so that both my children and I can go in together(This keeps him from having to stand outside the stall when everyone can see him). Otherwise, we use the family bathrooms as a preference :)