Pregnant Hormones

Wow, you are really balancing a lot. But kudos to you for realizing that something needs to change and taking action to make changes.

Here's advice I got from a book called Women Who Love Too Much (which, by the way, I really didn't think applied to me, until I got to this part). It said if you're trying to get over a guy, pray for him. Pray that he will get everything he needs. "Dear Lord (or whomever you pray to), Please give 'Joe' his highest good. You know what he needs, I don't. Please give 'Joe' his highest good."

Pray this EVERY TIME YOU THINK OF HIM. If you keep doing that, one day you won't feel bad about him. And then after a while you won't think of him as often. And sooner or later you will forgive him.

In the instructions she said, Don't pray that he'll realize how stupid he was to leave you and come back, don't pray that he'll give up drugs/alcohol/cheating/whatever...because YOU don't know what he needs. God does.

You are absolutely right that the baby kicks when you think negative thoughts--you're passing on those feelings and ideas. When you're positive, you're a better parent already. When you're positive with him, he has the opportunity to become a better parent. Maybe he will, maybe he won't. But extending that grace will make YOU feel better.

Okay, I'd better take this advice for myself again...practice, practice. Best of luck to you, K..

db

About Me: Single mom of beautiful, brilliant 2 year old daughter.

Being pregnant under the best of circumstances can be stressful. My heart goes out to you and your child and also your child's father. It seems like it would be helpful financially and emotionally if you were under one roof. Is there a reason that the two of you are not living together?

We all go through periods of not liking our men for one reason or another. Is he a good man? Is he kind? Will he be a good father? If he is fundamentally good, I would suggest that you jump in with both feet. You are about to become parents. Even if it does not work out somewhere down the road, I think it would be good if you could say in your heart that you gave it your best shot.

Try to be kind to each other -- above all else. You are both scared. You need to attempt to mitigate the fears and search out the joy that is also present in the journey you are embarking upon.

Best of luck!

It might be your fault in that you picked this guy and made a baby with him; and it Sounds like you have dislike for him because you can't depend on him to be the provider; and you are less able to be the provider, so you are frustrated, scared and vulnerable. I don't think the baby is kicking because you thought of him though; maybe because your blood pressure goes up when you think of him. Both the unborn and the 12-year-old can hear. Speaking from experience, just don't fight with him, and especially not in front of the 12-year-old. When he starts it up, just don't talk. Stay calm within yourself and refuse to take part in the bickering. Nothing good comes from stressing anyway. If he wants to talk nice, then talk with him.

You must go back and read what you wrote, I am not very kind to the father of my baby, and yet he won't help me ? Sometimes I swear people don't think before they have sex, your single you don't like the father of the baby thats coming, you are stressed about paying bills, any good news out of all of this, you choose to stay in the negitive aspects of your life if you want things to change then its you that has to change, no matter if the father isn't the helpful type, this lesson is not about any one except you . I suggest each day you wake, before your feet hit the floor, you thank the blessings yo have, and ones you look forward in recieving, this is not about religion its about spirituality.. the quest to find peace within, is it worth being right all the time, is it a petty argument of control, life will be better, only if you choose it to be.

I am send you some peace prayers, your blessings are in your tummy, along with the one you had 12 yrs ago.

It takes two to tango as my grandma says. Been there done that what you are going threw. It is not just his fault, but yes yours too. It takes two to argue and so if you want start agreeing with EVERYTHING and your problem will be salved. Or stand up for yourself, get the heck out of the situation your in, move, relocate, start over or just move away from the situation. You are not going to fix anythign fighting all the time and just sitting there. Get up and live YOUR life the way YOU want. Yes the job is hard, rewards seem little or not at all yet. But give it time. You too will see how great it is to be a mom and be happy, change for the better. And if you sell yourself short you will be sorry. Also tell yourself every morning how great you are, how wonderful you look and that nothing can bring you down. Like a montra. Just remind yourself. Some men also don't ever come around. My daughters dad has been out since I was 3 months along. Now shes almost 3 yrs old and makes me smile every day, even if my job is hard I still love it. You too will see how rewarding kids can be. If you need anything else just ask, I have been there. I worked 7 days a week, ate, worked, ate, ate some more then slept; then repeat. I ad no friends but maybe one because I was just busy getting ready for my baby. I drove a stick every day in the heat 25 miles there and 25 miles back and got up at 2 am sat & sun to get ready for work at 4 am - 12 pm if I was lucky. I got paid little and worked my butt off. But I just want to tell you it was ALL worth it. Even if my daughter doesn't know her father, I found her a great man who on her own she called daddy and who she loves just as much as me. :) Keep up your spirits.

C.

So you live alone and are trying to pay your own bills while carrying this child and he does not help.

I would say there is a lot of stress here.

First, (if I may suggest a way of going about this) are you really happy about this child and do you wish to keep it?

Second, do you wish to have an ongoing relationship with the man that fathered it? (Think hard, this is what your life will be like.)

Third, if you want to be parents together you need to decide what you want from him, ie support, marriage, etc. If you want a relationship and togetherness and him by your side I would suggest the book, "Love And Respect". Read and apply and see if he responds.

Fourth, what does he want? He is not helpful, so what does he get out of this deal? Free sex? Free food? Everyone gets something out of a relationship even if it is not a positive one. So figure out what he wants and what he is getting and see if you can live with that.

There are food programs like Golden Share that can help you stretch your food budget. Also, do you have anyone to go through the labor and delivery with you? As a dula (informal) I know how important it can be to have a trusted person by your side that you can count on.

I feel for you so much because I have been there, with twins. You have chosen the rough road and need support, if not from him from somone. Please let me know if I can do anything for you in the way of information or help. My heart hurts for you.

Regards, Jacque

Hi K.,

I am so sorry you are having a tough time! I am totally psyco when I am pregnant! It sounds like more then just the hormones in your case. Would you entertain the idea of getting some professional counseling? Private counseling can be expensive but there might be some other programs for free if price is an issue. I know just being able to talk to someone and get some tools on how to handle your issues with Dad will help. All that stress is no good for you and the baby!! Love, Steph
PS Hang in there! YOU CAN DO THIS :) !!!!

When I was pregnant, the father and I fought, argued and stayed away from each other. I ended up doing everything on my own but for my child. Instead of dwelling on him, I was determined to "enjoy" my pregnancy. I didnt want my child to be emotionally affected by my negative feelings of anything else...let it be people or bills. Put everything else aside for now. They will be there after you have your child. Relax and do for you and your child. Because at the end of the day.... rather "he" is with you or not for whatever reason.... your responsibility is to your child. Your the only mother your child gets.

Take a aqua-exercise class, yoga class, get a pregnant massage, reflect on the type of person you want to raise, write a journal about your pregnancy experiences, take naps, sing or read to your baby, henna your belly and take pictures of it..... dont stress right now.

Have a happy baby instead.

Hello K.,
I can relate to your frustration, pain and confusion. There is obviously more to your story, however, right now your main focus should be on your child and his/her health. For whatever reason you have noticed or decided that the father of your child may not be the best selection for you and your baby. Okay, but you can't change it. So do your best not to argue. It takes two to argue. Either walk away, say I'm getting off the phone or I do not want to stress our baby out. Your child needs you to be as calm, stable as possible. You also need to be stable enough to continue working while pregnant (i.e. financial concerns). So again, do not argue. Take walks by yourself even if for 15 minutes and do some deep breathing. Think about how you want to raise your second child and lessons you have learned from rasing your first. Think about how to encourage sibling love not rivalry. Think about your dreams for your child. You cannot control his/her father's behavior, but you can model the behavior you want him/her to see. He/she will notice the difference as he/she ages (if the father does not chnage) But as with any relationship: when you change the other person has no other option but to change (and either you grow apart or you grow together). Your child is more important than even your feelings. I have a rough pregnancy (and now in hindsight it was because of my perception of the events, relationship etc with my husband). When I got really depressed I told myself I want better for my child. I said I did not want my child to come into this world timid, angry or anxious because of my state of mind/being. Now, I am not totally convinced it is all biological or even the mother's responsibility, but what we do know that the mother's stress level does impact the fetus so again FOCUS ON the POSITIVE and if you cannot identify the positive at this time think about the dreams you have for your child (his/her birthdays etc..) Be thankful there are no medical concerns in your pregnancy, be thankful you have a job to financially support your children and there are programs of assistance if you don't make enough money (i.e. day care, medical insurance). K., just focus on the positive at this time. You cannot change the fact that your child's father is the man you choice as a partner and you cannot change his behavior or actions. But you can change yours and your outlook on life. I hope you have at least one good friend who can support you. Also, if it is too "bad" you can always seek counseling to help sort out your feelings and decide what the best option is for you and your children. I will be praying for you.

Lets face it no man is perfect, (either are we). Sometimes when hormonal we tend to see the negative things in people and we just want them to change, not seeing that maybe if we changed things might get better. Take this time to write down his good qualities, why you were attracted to him, what about him made your heart pump faster. Now write down things that have changed in you. What makes you not like him? Then talk to him about these changes, make a great effort to change this bad vive between you. Don't yell. Talk only. When he interupts ask him to hear you out then he can have his turn to speak his mind and you will listen.

When talking while you are both upset sometimes we only hear what we want to hear or what we think the other means. So it's important that you make him and you repeat exactly what each other means. For instance I would tell my hubby that he was mean to me, and he would say I'm not mean everyone loves me. so finally my son walked in the room he asked my son (am I mean to you, my son said, no.) I said when did I say you were mean to the kids, I said you were mean to me. so he asked my son, am I mean to your mom? My son said yes, you yell at her all the time, and never talk nice to her. This finally opened his eyes. That's why having them repeat things is important. Also, men can't read minds tell him what you expect of him make him a list if he want's one.

But remember you can only change yourself, there is no right way or wrong way just a matter of opinion. Good Luck! J.

You may find some resource help from either of these web sites www.menoqueen.com or www.women4balance.com/4health either way I'm sure you can get some answers - if you can attend...Thurs July 10th 7pm Hormone Health Seminar @
660 Baker Street, Ste 271, Costa Mesa,CA. Bring friends they will thank you - pregnant or not! J.

Sorry to hear about your situation. Get some good therapy now. Sounds like you need to do something to lessen the stress load. Sounds to me like you're angry with the dad for getting you prego, but remember, you were there too. Can't blame him for not being helpful if you're being unkind. Don't mean to sound critcal, just pragmatic. Based on your words, sounds to me as though you've acknowledged that possibility.

Coming from a loving place here, do you really want to keep this baby? While I'm sure the thought of it is super painful, are you in a place where you can handle a second child and maintain yourself? There are countless childless couples that would jump at the chance to adopt a healthy baby.

Best of luck.