Post-Partum Depression

Oh Sara, hang in there. Like everyone said, you are not alone. It sounds like you have lost a lot of yourself. Is there any way for you and your husband to take some time together? Could you leave him a card or a note or something and FIRST acknowledge all he does for the family and how much you appreciate him, and then tell him you need to talk and need a break to get back in touch with yourself and your marriage. Even small breaks - a few hour hours on a Saturday afternoon while they nap - anything. If you could get a neighbor to watch them while you and your husband go for a walk, go to a coffee shop, get lunch..... just something to reconnect with him - and to begin to reconnect with yourself as a person, an adult, a woman....

If you husband views this as something that will benefit him (he probably misses the old you as well and would LOVE a little more attention - which of course - you cant' do the way things are going...) he will be on board. Just frame it as something that will benefit you both!!!

Sounds like you both need each other, but like all of us, are so overwhelmed, you are growing apart instead of together and losing yourself in the process.

Good luck to you.

Maybe you need to try and find something to do with your children that will get you out of the house and involved with other adults. Look online and see if there is a parenting co-op that you could get involved in. See if some of the churches in your area have a "mothers' day out" on a weekly basis so you can have some time to yourself and your children can spend time with other children.
Plan varied things ....so you dont get so bored with life at home. Picnics, play at the park, trips to museums or nature centers.
And find a trusted babysitter and every couple of weeks get away for the evening with your husband....spend some time working on the two of you. Believe it or not...someday it will just be the two you in that house...the children will be grown and gone with lives of their own. You don't want to suddenly realize that you are living with a virtual stranger!!!
My husband is retired now and I can honestly say this is the best part of our lives...we enjoy each others company...we are able to travel some...we have a grandson that we both ADORE....and we love each other so much!! It didn't always used to be that we...when our girls were young we were so involved with them that we sort of forgot about US. Dont you make the same mistake!!
Good Luck...let me know how things go.
R. Ann

S.,
I feel for you, and you're in my prayers. I know you do not have the time, but I think it's important that you find the time to take care of yourself or you will not be able to take care of anyone else. You know on the airplane when they tell you to put your own oxygen mask on before putting one on a child? This is like that.

This is an opportunity to get some of yourself back. At some point, you may even be able to get your husband to join you. In my opinion, every person, and every couple could benefit from the coaching that comes from counseling. This is not a selfish, frivolous thing. I think you need it.

Take care, and I really do hope you find balance again for yourself, your marriage and your family

M.

If you have a local MOPS (mothers of Pre Schoolers) group, I would definitely look into it. Being part of a group of other women who struggle with the exact same things as you is life-saving. And they provide child care, so you can make friends, have time to breathe, and know that your kids are being well cared for. You can go to the website mops.org and look for a group in your area. Good luck and I will say a prayer for you.

S.,

I am so sorry you're going through this. I know it's not easy. Raising children should be one of the happiest, but exhausting, times of your life. I know that's not always the case, so I hope you find help!

One of the best ways that can help is finding things for your kids to do. It always a good idea to get out of the ho-hum of the day and do something different. Hopefully you belong to a church that probably has activities during the summer. Make it a habit of taking the kids to a nearby park in the mornings. Take the kids to the public pool. Go play in the water sprinklers. Call you local public school system and see if they participate in PAT, (Parent's As Teachers). They can steer you in the right direction as to what activities you can take your kids to.

No, being a SAHM is not always a bed of roses. If it's possible, ask if your husband can stay home sometime and let you have a day free of all responsibilities. Make a list of everyday things that need to be done, and leave! Most people have July 4th off, so see if something like that can be done! Call a friend or two and make an all-girl day out. You need to do this kind of thing once in a while, just to keep your sanity!!

Well, hope I've helped. Let me know how things turn out.

Good luck and God bless, ls

PS You may also need to work on getting the VA-VA-VOOM back in your marriage! Getting BOTH of you to a counselor is the best thing!

does your church have a mom and tots group??? find one that does it can give you some me time which really helps. some churches also have people to talk to. You are important and you have to feel good to be able to cope. I know what your going through been there! no fun is it. I am here if you need someone to talk to. do any firnds have kids? you can trade some days with each other so you can also have time. you also need to take some date time. I am not sure where you live but I ave a 16 yr old daughter that would babysit. if you like to met her. she would love to help out

S., I can relate to how you feel, I don't have any awesome inspiring advice, I can only tell you what helps me. I try and find things that are for me, that make Me feel special = ) Because there isn't always someone that is around that can anticipate what you need...no matter how wonderful they are, you know yourself best. If theer is a magazine you enjoy, get a subscription, I know it sound slike a little thing, but I get excited to get a new issue and can look through a magazine at my liesure. Somethings you can do with the kids if they are old enough is to make new family traditions that aren't holiday based, plan backyard picnics, take walks, find someplace close that you can go on "nature walks" and learn about the types of trees, flowers etc. Plant a tiny garden in your backyard. Indulge and buy yourself a special more expensive type of bubble bath. Going to the library is free and something you can do with the kids, I love to read, and it make sme feel like i am doing something for me. Get a FUN exercise dvd and do it 3 times a week, when we are in better shape we feel better about ourselves AND we have more energy. I know it sounds silly and vain, but buy yourself something new, even if its lip gloss...I don't wear make up all the time, even when I do I wear it sparingly but I do "feel pretty" when I wear it and that little pick me up makes me feel better. Also do you feel like you are stuck in "mom clothes" you don't have to spend a fortune to make a few updates to your wardrobe, personally I am a walmart girl and still manage to find some cute things ( and I have no problem going to garage sales or thrift shopping either) Have a good support network...do you have a friend that can come and have lunch dates in your home and swap? My sister has discovered she enjoys "playdates" more than her kids do because she gets to socialize with another adult! I know these are pretty cheesy things, and that depression is real, but it really is the little things. I know how hard it can be to find people to watch your kids, maybe post on a community board at church that you are looking for someone to babysit so that you can get out once in a while? A lot of moms I know take turns so that it saves them money, since they are just swapping services no money exchanges hands, and the kids get someone to play with = ) Sorry for the long post...I hope you find something that helps (((hugs)))
B.

Join a big gym that has a daycare for your kids! Even if you're not a workout type of woman, use the daycare and just walk on the treadmill or take a class. This option solves SO many issues: 1)you get a break from your kids for an hour or so, 2)you help the depression through exercise, 3)you meet other moms who feel the exact same way you do, and 4)you may really like the results. Some gyms even have spas and cafes, so after your workout you can hang out with friends or have lunch. Lifetime Fitness in Chesterfield is great (I've heard), and they have an outdoor pool for families. 24-hour Fitness (locations all over the STL area) is very inexpensive and has lots of fun classes. The local YMCAs are very popular, too. Good luck!

And BTW--it IS about you, and that's GOOD!

I know what you are going through. I too am on Zoloft to help with my depression, but I have a unique perspective. For my first 2 kids, my hubby stayed at home while I worked at the office. I remember coming home to the family and having my hubby describe how he felt about not really having an identity anymore. I hated seeing my hubby in this way so I asked him a few questions. My first question was, 'Do you need time away from the kids?'
That being said, I encouraged my hubby to take some night courses at the local community college. He settled on expanding his skills with photography. Also, he was able to find a part time job during the weekends, which helped him pay for the college courses.
That forced me to get my butt home. I loved telling work 'Sorry, can't stay, gotta get home to my kids' During the weekends...either my in-laws, mom or great grandparents would help me with the kids while he worked.
It is 6 years later. He still works part time, but as a photographer now. He has teachers hours and friends outside of the home environment. He is so much happier now.
We just welcomed our third child earlier this year and for the first time ever, I am the main caregiver of the kids. I still work full time, but i telecommute. How hubby did this for 6 years amazes me.
Hope this inspires you to formulate a plan of action, but remember - you need your hubby as your biggest cheerleader in your goal for good mental health.
Good Luck

One of the best things to do to combat depression is exercise. I am not an exercise person, but man, a good long walk is sometimes just the trick. You may want to go on a walk after your kids are in bed, or put them in a stroller (or whichever way you get around best) and just take a walk in the neighborhood as a family.

Check to see if there is a MOPS (mothers of preschoolers) group in your area. They usually have free babysitting, and you can connect with other moms in your area. They usually meet at local churches.

I've also found that if I schedule things for myself to do, and get my husband on board, he will come home in time for me to do some things by myself (go to a seminar, go to a movie with friends, go out with girlfriends, etc).

I know it is hard, and you love your family so you put them all first. But if you are constantly running on empty, you will have nothing else to give them.

Good luck, and let us know how it goes.

S., I'm sorry to hear of your troubles. I have friend who had a child not quite a year ago. She has bigger issues than just post partum depression, but she also has ppd. Right after Easter she stopped taking her medication and by the end of April she was obviously mentally ill. Her husband felt that she was a danger to herself and their child and apparently the doctors agreed because she's they've hospitalized her. Once that happened, her husband had no choice but to take over parenting duties for their child as well as to run the household and work his fulltime job. After the first week of this he emailed me to tell me that once his wife got home he was going to intitute some new policies around the home. For example, he determined that each he and his wife should have one free night to go out and do whatever they wanted while the other watched the baby. He determined that he would hire a sitter one night per week so he and his wife could have a date night. They're not exactly rolling in money so this is a big deal. He even decided to chart out household chores and split them down the middle with his wife. And they only have 1 kid! Now I am NOT encouraging you to develop an incapacitating mental illness or even suggesting that you might. What I am suggesting is that if it's possible, go visit your aunt in Delaware for a week. I suspect that if your husband has to take over your responsibilities for just a week or so, he might develop a whole new appreciation for what it is that you do everday. I understand this may not be possible. Money's tight every where. I also know what it's like to lose yourself in the role of mommy. It's easy to forget that "Mommy" is just one hat you wear, not the only hat. Find a way to go to counseling. You need it. You are the one who takes care of everybody else, but you have to take care of yourself first. Don't forget that you are setting an example for your kids whether that's your intention or not. If your daughter was in this same situation, what advice would you give her?

Bless your heart! You are not alone and it's important that you know that! I stayed home for 2 1/2 years when my daughter was born. Then went back to work. I can tell you this - it's a lot easier to work. (No one will believe me unless they've lived it!) Here's the thing, when you are home with your kids (whom you dearly love), you get NO potty breaks, NO lunch break, NOTHING! You don't even get to drive in your car by yourself for a few minutes. It is really, really hard. You do lose yourself and that is very hard.

Your husband (and so many others) doesn't have an idea what your day is like. You should ask him to take over for a few days, the 4th holiday is a good time, let him have all 3 days, you just come home to dinner. Leave him the list of things you would do during that day - don't let him just watch TV with them all day. You deserve his respect and sometimes, it takes them getting their feet swept out from under them to realize what you go through.

To me, it makes you grow apart when you are not getting respect from him for what you do. You deserve his respect for taking care of his most precious possessions for FREE!

I'm glad you are getting some conseling sessions because - EVERYONE can benefit from that. You get a non-partial person to help you cope.

Maybe you should print all these responses out so your husband knows he's being a putz about the way he's treating you as a stay at home mom.

It's the hardest job on earth - and the most rewarding!!
God Bless you,
K.