Overwhelmed with Everything

Hey. I have an 11 month old boy. My husband has been gone (due to the military) since he's been born, except for his 2 weeks for coming home to visit. I decided to sit back and let him do his father thing, and let them bond in their own kind of way. He is now getting ready to come home for good and I have changed tremendously. I know I have to let him do his thing and build an even stronger bond now since he's almost one and is more aware of people. Plus having him do things his way isn't so bad when you get to go to the store alone or take a long shower or sleep in, lol. As sad as it is, I too dont have much of a sex drive since having my son, even after not seeing him for a year. I can't imagine it not being normal to feel drained at the end of the day. I am a SAHM and I'm exhausted by 11pm, lol. More power to ya!

NORMAL, NORMAL, NORMAL........you are so very normal, just like all moms out there!

Having a baby is one of the few biggest life changing events......how can you and your husband not feel stressed and overwhelmed! I have three kids and am still exhaused every single day that I awake!

Before just chalking this up to being a new mom ( and one who works full time!), call your doc and make sure your thyroid is okay, your red blood count is normal, iron levels are good.....etc.

It's good to rule out things like that....sometimes pregnancy can completely wreck havoc on your body and you may have a physical reason for such tiredness......My thyroid and red blood cell count were completely screwed up after my third pregnancy! so, now I take a few pills and feel a little bit better, but for the most part, I am still exhaused each day and feel like I'm only treading water and not getting anywhere!

As far as sex....who the hell feels sexy when they are utterly stressed and exhausted each day!!! Give yourself a break....even if your husband is not!

Go grab your best girlfriend and get a manicure/pedicure to relax a little. Sneak a small card into your husband's briefcase letting him know that you are so appreciative of all he does to help you with the baby and that you love him so much and do still desire him, but you are just tired and stressed. Tell him how you really feel and that you really need him right now to support you. Let him know that you just need some rest and pampering and you'll be back in the sack with him soon!

Don't forget to get to the doc and get that bloodwork done ASAP to make sure you are okay!

And don't be so h*** o* yourself! As the baby grows older, things do get easier! I promise!

I'm sending positive vibes your way!
Pam

I remember when I had my first one and going through the same thing. I was working full time and my husband would not see eye to eye on a lot! The only thing that I can tell you is open up lines of communication. Try not to let something small become something bigger. When there is conflict just think of how things would be so much worse if he wasn't there. It took my husband being deployed for a couple of months for me to realize that I really needed him and that all of our arguments were stupid. Things will get better as soon as both of you open up. I am now pregnant with my fourth and we seem to go through the same thing but as soon as we realize what we are doing we put ourselves in check.

Hi S.,

Like the others have said, it's all pretty normal. When I was young, my mom told me, "There is more than one right way to do things. If you ask someone to do something, you have to let them do it their way." My husband and I make the bed and balance the checkbook differently. As long as the bed has sheets on it and the checkbook is reasonably balanced, you can't control the way someone else does it. The only way to have everyting done *exactly* the way you want it done is to do it yourself.

Also, with sleep deprivation, you have to be willing to let things go a little. The sex part will come back with time (and sleep).

Good luck!

I kind of know what you mean. I am a stay at home mom of a new 13-week old daughter, going to school online for my Bachelors degree, and I have a 7-year old and 13-year old....and my husband. With the kids, new house and new baby, it is hard to be husband and wife these days. I am tired a lot, the baby takes a lot of my energy and patience. It wears on us more than we realize. My husband and I began to have problems, arguments, etc. We almost forgot how to talk to each other. One day he sent me an email (since I'm online a lot doing schoolwork) telling me how much he missed me and us. He told me how he wanted us to find a way back to each other and how much he loved me and was willing to fight for us. So, now we have made it a priority to begin date nights to hopefully bring back the sexual sparks as well bring back our love and attention to each other. We discovered in conversation that there is no family if there is no me and him. So we must put energy into us first if we are to have a happy family. We redid our schedules and are making it happen. (We joined a couples group to do things with other adults in similar situation, exercise together, dinner theatres, movie nights with each and the kids, romantic candlelit baths together to just sit and talk, etc.) Hope this helped a little.

You are not alone. Its very normal to feel so overwhelmed. I know this is easier said than done, but you need rest and to talk to your husband to calm the arguing, NOW. As long as the baby is well taken care of you are both right in what you do. I will be thinking of you and wish you the best of luck. I think the sex drive will return once you take care of the other things.

Just each of you step back, close your eyes, & take a breath. This is a big adjustment for the three of you. Remember that your whole family dynamics has changed. There is no quick fix. My husband & I found that we needed to look at each others point of view prior to speaking. The is a book named "What to Expect the First Year" that is really helpful. Try these ideas. I pray that they will work.
The sex issues will end once you become partners again.
L.

I am a SAHM now but I have almost the same problem (including the sex, talk with your OBGYN)and sometime I have to hand my son to my husband the second he walks in the door so I can retreat to bed, shower, ect. Maybe if he has such a problem with how you do things you should tell him to do them instead, but but cater to his ego and say something like, "Oh honey I dont think this is turning out right, How did you do it so right?" Worked most of the time with my husband. But my husband is also borderline sever Obsesive Compulsive Disorder so almost never is anything perfect enough.
You may almost have to take the "I dont care" view when ever he bitc#&s. And just say "well its good enough for me", anything further he needs to do it.
Your goal is not to have everything perfect for your husband but to provide good love and attention for your growing child and providing a safe enviroment for him to grow.
Good luck and know you are not alone!
A little about me, I am 24 and now a SAHM but I still work full time form home. My son will be a year old on Friday.

It is crazy how your marriage can change once you have a baby. Tensions are high when you're both learning how to care for another human being who is completely dependent on you. Have you considered staying home part-time or full-time? It wouldn't solve all your problems - but it would give you less "job" stress added to the pile, and with you being the primary care-giver, you may earn a little more respect from your husband in regards to which techniques you want to implement in raising your daughter. I remember constantly snapping at my husband over how to do things or trying to critique him (like it was life or death if he put our son down for a nap differently than I did). After a year and a half, I'm just starting to realize that it's not the end of the world if my husband does something differently than I do (and if it does seem important to me, I try to wait until after the fact to calmly discuss with my husband and explain WHY I want to do something a certain way).

As for sex, I understand that you are working and mothering and you're very tired. Even still, I can only imagine the stress levels and possible resentment that could arise from no sex at all. If you're able to at least muster the willingness to stay awake and act alive, I am sure that your husband would be grateful - and it may make life with him a little easier in other areas (you might even enjoy it once you start).

It will get better. Just remember your husband doesn't do things the way you do them so give him some slack. There is not a right and a wrong way in child rearing. The husband and wife do things in very different ways. Both ways are just as good. Let him do things his way sometimes. It is hard to work full time and take care of a baby plus take care of the household. Sex is great for connecting to each other and sometimes I don't want to either but knowing that is what my husband wants makes it easier. It is also good for me whether I realize it or not, just to be with him is wonderful. He is a great husband and does so much for me that I almost feel guilty. I hope I am not saying too many things. Having a baby does change the dynamics of a relationship but if you work together, as a team, it only gets better.

I think the most important thing to remember is, your husband loves your baby as much as you do. I have learned that there are a lot of issues in life that are not a sure fire right way or wrong way, it just your way and his way. Remember he's doing what his parents taught him and you are doing what your parents taught you...and you both turned out ok. The best gift you can give each other is to respect each other's way of doing things and enjoy the breaks you get when your husband is taking care of the baby.

I remember I used to argue that my husband folded the shirts wrong. My father reminded me, I was missing the blessing. The most important thing was he was folding the shirt...that means I didn't have to.

When you both learn to let the little stuff go and appreciate one another, the sex drive will come back!

I wish i could say i was full of advice,but to be honest with you,this is just the beginning of a long challenging journey but also very rewarding.
I myself have four children they range from 7 to 14 and i can honestly say you have it very easy right now.tending to an infant can be stressful ecspecially when it's your first because your constantly worried about the well-being of your child and worried that your not being the best parent you can be.
A new baby tends to put alot of strain on a marriage,but my advice to you would be instead of arguing with your husband over the petty things,spend more time telling him how much you appreciate all that he does.i can almost promise you you'll begin to see a change in him.take advantage of the time you have alone when he's tending to your baby,you need time to wind down and reflect on things and get things in order.a few minutes of peace and quiet does wonders.
Just to ease your mind,the way you are feeling is absolutely normal.hormonal changes come with the birth of a child,that is why it is a must that you do not deprieve yourself of rest,exercise and proper nutrition.take that from someone who knows!i have but on so much weight from neglecting myself,and like yourself i have a husband that is a wonderful help with the kids,but i still try and take the whole world on by myself.it's impossible!
This should be a joyous time for you and your husband.also another quick word of advice,find time for you and your hubby.i don't always mean sexual time but intimate bonding time(talking,holding one another,etc.)be creative!!!!it's important that your child feels the love you have for one another,even a newborn infant can sense stress and anger.love one another,learn to forgive,time is precious and were not promised tomorrow.live everyday like it's your last.
I hope this has been some help to you,please keep me in mind if you need anymore advice.
Moms helping moms,A.

It is very easy to become overwhelmed with everything. We've all been there. What has helped me in the past is as simple as taking a time out. Try to find someone to watch your little one for 30 minutes to an hour and just go have some "me" time. Maybe it's just to have a cup of coffee at the coffee shop, or sometimes just taking a bubble bath is enough. The point is to try to clear your mind of everything you have going on at the moment. It may seem difficult to do, the first time I did this, I even felt a little guilty, but you'll feel so much better when it's over and you will be ready to tackle the rest of your day. Hope this helps.

Sounds familiar, so don't think you're alone!! What needs to happen is for both of you to try to work as a team. That means letting each other do things your own way, even if it doesn't seem right to you. Your baby needs to feel loved and you don't want the stress of constant bickering to stress everybody out. It took me quite some time to adjust to parenthood as I was very similar to you before I became a mother. Put your relationship and your baby at the top of your priority list and the rest of you life will SLOWLY return. Do what you can when you can but try not to exhaust yourself by trying to do it all, you simply cannot. My daughter is now almost 3 and I'm finally regaining the contol I used to have over the house and myself. I wouldn't change a thing because eventually when she grows up, I'll have all the time in the world to clean, excercise etc... As a matter a fact we're trying for our second child and I'm going to sail smoothly this time and not stress so much!! Good luck and just enjoy motherhood.

Sweetheart, write down everything that you adore about your husband. Then understand you both love your baby girl more then anything, if your husband starts to complain over petty issues, smile and say your right honey, can you give me some idea's on how to fix that. You would be surprised how hard it will be for him to argue with someone, that agrees with him. Second, I know your sex drive is low, however do not tell him no, this will cause him to be jealous of the relationship you have with the baby, and make it hard for them to bond. I have raised 3 children and always had to work, I put my wonderful husband on the back burner. 6 Years ago, he was shot in the head in the line of duty. He is a different man now, cute as a button, like a young teen. I wish I had never said no, when he wanted to make love to me, although he is still my bestfriend, I miss my husband, and the wonderful father he was to his children. I know your tierd honey, It's hard when you have a new baby and work, but don't forget why you fell in love with this man. Kris

This does seem pretty normal, esp for us full time working moms. Dealing with the stresses of home, baby, and work can take its toll after a while. Take some time for YOURSELF! Go out shopping, visit friends, go to the spa, see a movie- whatever you like. Leave dad and baby at home, recharge your batteries, and then offer to do the same for him sometime. It sounds like you are just burned out, which trickles down to every part of your life- including sex drive.

I was talking to a counselor over some of these same issues because I am having such a hard time, too. Here are some of her recommendations: make a plan for your responsibilities, make agreements on who is going to do what around the house, but let go of some of the guilt and pressure that everything has to be done perfect because it doesn't. You also have to find a way to give yourselves time to be alone - alone together and alone by yourselves. Trade nights watching your daughter to get your alone time. I know that's not much, but it might help give you some tool help you feel human again. Also, a neighbor of mine lent this book to me and I love it. In fact, I would recommend it to all moms no matter what stage of motherhood their in. It's called "I Was A Really Good Mom Before I Had Kids" by Trisha Ashworth and Amy Nobile. It took me forever to crack it open but now I can't put it down! Please get it as soon as you can and start reading it....and remember - someday she will turn 18!

Yes, other moms feel this way. My son is 16 and my daughter is 8 and I still feel this way. I think its just part of being a wife and mom. I wonder why our moms never told us this?

I've heard you have less sex when your married than you did single. Go figure.

AS all the other moms have said your not alone!!! I stay at home with my kids 2 and 1 1/2 and im tired all the time from just housework and taking care of them. I cant imagaine working a fulltime job and then dealing with all the other stuff when you get home. In fact i told my husband once the kids are in school that i can only work PT if he would like his house to be kept in the same condtion it is now! As far as the sex goes...haha we all have that problem! The best advice i can give is even when you're tired and arent in the mood if you force yourself to "start" then you will be happier once its all said and done. My mom always told me "if he's not getting it at home he'll find it elsewhere" even though i dont think my husband would i always keep that in mind when it comes to sex! I hope this helped you!

If you don't get a response from every mother in this forum I will be suprised.
You are not alone! You sound like me. I have three and at the age of 8-9 months with each child is when I started ppd. You might want to make an appointement with your doctor and both you and your husband go. Having a baby and working full time not to mention being a full time wife is a lot of work. Both you and your husband need to take a time out and sit down an talk with out baby around. Have a friend watch the baby why you guys have talk and get everything on the table so to speak. You both will feel a lot better knowing how each other feels. And then you can start working as a team on house and baby chores. This way no one feels left out and the private moments between you and hubby will be more enjoyable.

Hang in there it does get easier!

Hi there! I just wanted to let you know that I completely understand how you feel, it is tough being a mom. I think almost every mom feels thsi way, most dont admit it, but its so overwhelming. I recently just moved here from Va, I have a 19 month old daugther, in Va I worked full time, at a job that required a lot of nights/weekends as well, I was so tired. Now we are living with my husbands grandparents until we get our house at the end of Jan, and I am staying home with my daughter. It is awesome, but its a huge adjustment, a lot of people think SAHM's get to sit on the couch and eat all day, so not true. It's harder to do this then go to work I think. But anyways, what Im gettin at is, I have been feeling very overwhelmed this past week, thinking Im not cut out to be a mom and its a horrible feeling. But the truth is, God wouldnt have given us this job as parents if He didnt think we could handle it. Im sure you're a great mom, just by admitting you're havinga tough time takes strength. Try to take some time by yourself, maybe go shopping, get some coffee, somthing where you are away from the baby and work, and its just you, even for an hour. You'll be amazed at how well charged that little bit of time will help you. At least for me, that helps tremendously, and you shouldnt feel guilty or let anyuone else make you feel guilty for having some "you" time, its better for you, your hubby,and your baby!
Sorry for the rambling. Hope this helps, and you are not alone!

Take a good hard look at your sleep schedule. I know it sounds trivial, but when I had my daughter it took me landing in a psychiatrist's office to realize that the only thing wrong with me was prolonged sleep deprivation. Unfortunately, I spent 18 months exhausted and miserable until I broke down and asked for help. Something about not wanting to admit that I wasn't Super Mom...

He gave me some sleeping pills and after one week of 8 hours of sleep a night, the entire world turned around. Hubbie and I quit fighting, work got less miserable, my mind cleared, and I quit crying once or twice a day.

Since then, I've learned that it doesn't matter how far behind I am at work or how dirty my house is, I need sleep. If you're working full time with a young child, I'm betting you aren't getting enough rest. If you are sleeping, I'd check with your doctor and perhaps even get some blood work done. It isn't unheard of for chemical balances to get out of whack after pregnancy.

I know it sounds selfish, especially as a new Mom, but if you don't take care of yourself first you won't be good for anyone else.

I haven't read all responses so you may have gotten this advice already. I'm sorry if I am repeating anything, but didn't want to waste time reading. Have you considered that you may have postpartum depression? I'd get a full physical, speak to you doctor about your feelings, and maybe ask for a referral to a mental health provider if needed.

Yes, Yes, Yes! Don't feel alone! The adjustment to life with a child is difficult on a marriage.
I had the same problem. The one piece of advice I read somwhere that actually helped was this. When you come home pay attention to your husband even if it is only for a couple minutes. But totaly focus on him. Ask him how his day went, etc.. They equated it to how you treat your dog or cat. You would at least stop and give them a pat. But you probably don't think about doing that with your husband because at this point, if you were like me, he was way down on the list of things to do because he could take care of himself. Please don't think of this as one more thing to do :). It only takes a few minutes and it made a HUGE impact on my relationship with my husband. He had been so resentful of the lack of attention he was getting we were fighting all the time too. It is so easy to put our relationships with our husbands on the back burner because of all the new "things" we have going on. When I did this my husband started to do it for me, and it made us both happier. It was us against the world again.

Now for the sex part... good luck with that. My daughter is 2.5 and I still could not care less about it. If you figure that out let me know. :)

Steph
P.S. Have you spoken with your O.B. about this, just to make sure postpartum deppresion is not contributing to your exhaustion?

why don't you and your husband make a trip to border's and pick out a baby care book that you can both agree on, then make a 'parenting plan'. once talked out and written down, you will both feel better about the way you are doing things...and as long as you are following your heart, and doing what feels right inside, there is no wrong way to care for a baby..just do all things in love. for more local information, check out mamaology.com

Hey Sweetie,

Hang in there! What you are feeling is very normal. I went through similiar feelings after giving birth. I am going to give you a piece of advice. The best thing you can do for your child is to be the best wife to her daddy. I put my son's needs ahead of his daddy's and we were in trouble shortly and divorced when he was only two years old. We both were at fault. My husband was jealous of our baby. We were madly in love and had tried for three years to concieve. I wish someone would have shared with me this little piece of advice. Marriage is 100/100, both should give 100%. Resentment can swell quickly so it is better to make a dinner date(this is to encourage mature discussions and not raising of voices) and discuss the issues. Both need to improve listening skills and a willingness to try the others ideas. It takes both parents sharing in all aspects of raising a baby and doing the necessary household chores. Try to do what he does not like, maybe dishes, and he can try doing the dusting. Teach him by example. Do his chores for him once in a while and he may return the favor. Keep a smile on your face and a song on your lips. Go to church and you will find lots of young parents to network with. You are in my prayers.Life is too short to be miserable.

Welcome to the world of motherhood! I, like you and most other moms, felt the exact same way. First, talk with your husband. My husband and I sat down and talked a few times about "our" roles and what we expected from each other and that helped. Women and men are just different and he didn't know I felt that way until I told him. (Men don't just get it, they have to be TOLD)
Second, don't try to be supermom. I think we all do and put alot of extra stress on ourselves and just accepting that we are just human and "letting the clothes sit on the couch for another day" to play with our kids is OK!!!
Third, if all else fails, talk to your doctor about some medicine. I took Lexapro which is an anti anxiety medicine too and that helped alot. I took it until my youngest was turned one. Don't be ashamed to ask.....I had NEVER taken any medication and was a little scared to talked to my doctor, but boy was I glad I did!!
Lastly, know that you are not alone and this is perfectly normal. Talk with some girlfriends, co-workers, etc. You will see............Good Luck, I know it's hard but it does get better!!!

Taking care of a baby and working full time is very tiring. I'm doing that now. You don't get to catch up on sleep on weekends anymore and get less during the week if the baby wakes up at night or before your alarm goes off in the morning. I don't have any energy left over for sex. I've found that the best time to have sex is when my husband and I take the baby to grandma's house on a weekend and have a little time to ourselves. If you have someone who can babysit at their house I highly recommend that.

Its easy to feel overwhelmed after you have a baby. I, too, sometimes feel overhwelmed. I've learned that this is what happens after you have a baby. Are you taking vitamins? If not, you may need to. Things will get better. Just take it slow and give yourself time to heal.

HANG IN THERE! We all have felt like this at different times. Your sex drive will return when your hormones settle. You are doing your best and try to stop criticizing each other. you both are exausted and overwrought. it's natural to take it out on each other instead of the baby. Try to be supportive to each other and make sure to take even just 5 minutes for yourself and your spouse. your baby will appreciate it. Talk to someone and communicate with your spouse. Welcome to motherhood. you can do it! It's the hardest job and also the most rewarding.

That all sounds pretty normal. It doesn't help that you guys are probably exhausted, which contributes to a lot of bickering and definitely the lack of sex drive. I haven't had much of one since my 4th was born 5 years ago. Get a babysitter. Go out for dinner. Spend time with each other and appreciate your relationship. The baby will be fine. Talk to each other and express your feelings NICELY without attacking (this is for the both of you). I'm guessing it's mostly just lack of sleep that is causing your arguing, so maybe try to let some household things go so you can go to sleep earlier. Good luck!

Wow, our lives sound quite a bit alike. My son is also 9 months old, and I also work full time. I also pump milk for my son 6 to 7 times a day AND my son still does not sleep through the night (usually up 2 to 4 times a night). In other words, I know where you are coming from.

I think you are completely normal and that you still love your husband. I can tell you that my husband and I fuss about stupid little things as well. We are both exhausted which leads to short tempers. And we are both first time parents and both want the very best for our little boy which sometimes leads to our bumping heads. I guess in one way it is a good thing you both care so much for your baby!

And after having a breastpump attached to me all day (and night), it makes my skin crawl to think of them as a sexual thing right now. I literally make myself respond to his sexual advances once per week b/c I know it is very important to him as a man and as a husband. And he is an excellent father and helps out tremedously!

In short, I know how you feel. It's so hard to feel "connected" to your husband when your baby takes every second and shred of energy you have! I have heard that it gets much easier after the first year, and the older they get life starts to take less out of you.

Making things better - I don't know how to help except let you know that you're not alone. But I bet you have more inner strength than you give yourself credit for. I believe that God gives us that strength - we just have to dig deep for it.

Blessings to you and I will keep you in my prayers.

SA_J, I know exactly how you feel. I have three children and I'm still struggling with it. My husband and I are beginning to work well together regarding how to handle the children. I understand completely how you feel about being exhausted. Once I had my fist child everything changed. I had no energy and can't get my brain to shut down. It's all normal I just want to say WELCOME to mommy hood. You just have to find your way of handling your home. My husband found this great site on managing you house and family and you print the pages for free its called householdnotebook.com it might help to organize yourself. If you ever need to talk let me know. Good luck with everything.

Thank you for asking this! I'm in this boat, too. My 9 month old son isn't into sleeping, so that means my husband and I don't sleep a lot either. I work, and my husband takes care of our son during the day. The thing is, moms and dads are different, but they both are essential. My husband rough-houses with our giggly baby, and I comfort and cuddle him, and I know we think our own method of parenting is better, but everything and everyone seem to indicate that he needs both.
I've started taking 1/2 hour a day to work out at our onsite gym. At first I didn't think it was a good idea, because I have so little time with my baby as is, but I'm finding that I have more energy when I do.
Also, nothing kick-starts a sex drive like having sex. Just talk yourself into it a few times, and maybe the habit will be back and you'll actually feel like it. Hang in there, you're doing great. Good luck!