NO Sex Drive - Meridian,ID

I've found that different forms of birth control can affect my sex drive. I switched pills before and it made a huge difference. I now have the Mirena IUD and have found that my drive is back to where it was before I had kids. I think it's because of the lower dose of hormones.

Ummm...maybe you're exhausted? Stay at home mommy of two little active boys...it's just a wild guess that you are TIRED at the end of the day! Just be patient with yourself. You will get your mojo back. It may take a year or so, but you will get it back. Sex may be a chore for a while, but I suggest you do keep having sex, for your husband's sake. That may sound outdated and anti-feminist, and maybe it is. But a guy can only take so much lack of sex. They are the weaker sex! A chore is something you have to do. Sometimes it is enjoyable, sometimes it isn't. If you want to stay married, sex is your chore. Sorry but I believe that's true!! I believe men have a hormonal need for sex...and so do we women, but when you're exhausted from being the best mommy you can be, you can lose a little bit of that desire for a while. Even if your husband is understanding, he still needs sex. Do it for the sake of the family. You wouldn't be the first or the last.

When I first became a mom, at age 25, I got exhausted and didn't feel like having sex at all. So, I didn't. Guess what, my son's dad and I are no longer together. I believe lack of sex was the biggest reason why.

I can only offer you a few suggestions.

I believe woman like to feel pretty and loved. I don't know if you have any special lingerie, nightgown, etc. that may make you feel a little better? If not, try something like that.

From my understanding, a lot of men just like to "go for it." Maybe you can ask your husband to hold you or just cuddle with you. Just make you feel a bit more "special."

I was taught that a woman's sensual area is actually her feet. Maybe you can ask him to rub or massage your feet, if you are both comfortable with it.

I completely understand where you are coming from. I've been through what you are going through. I gave my husband a lot of verbal reassurance because I didn't want him to think it was him at all but at the same time, I didn't want to do something that felt like a chore. What I discovered during those times was that I didn't need sex as much as I just needed something that made me feel relaxed and cared for after I cared for everyone else all day; like a good back massage or leg or foot massage. So, if you are up for it, maybe you could work out an exchange where he does something you need to feel close and connected (back rub, etc.) and you do something for him- maybe do something else that is stimulating for him or even help him fantasize while he pleasures himself. I also found that the best chance of me having any sex drive came in the morning first thing, when I had finally gotten some sleep and relaxation and my mind was clear. So maybe you could try to change your routine a little. It also helped me to clear my mind- I kept paper and pen at bedside and when I thought of something I needed to do I'd write it down just to get it out of my head so I could get my brain to settle down. Bottom line, you are not alone, be patient with yourself, and keep trying new things.

Hi Brittnay,
I agree with Tina and Jennifer, I think every marriage goes through this. I have a 4 year old and 22 month old. I am a stay at home mom (which I love) but it is tiring. Make sure you keep communication open with your husband and reassure him it has nothing to do with him. Sometimes I don't think our husbands realize how busy we are during the day while they work. After I get the boys in bed a lot of times I want to go to bed to (to sleep). When my husband has a day off we usually try and make a nice dinner for us after the boys go to bed and have a nice evening. I know my husband wishes that he could get more from me but right now I'm to busy and tired by the end of the night.
Chris

Okay, maybe totally unrelated, but I have to recommend Gary Smalley's book, The Five Love Languages. I have just finished it and was surprised on how it changed my desires. There was a part that explains that for some women "foreplay" may be seeing their husbands do the dishes for them, or receiving a thoughtful gift. That for a woman, wanting sex is a response to "feeling loved" And most of us feel loved by something other than our husbands announcing that their horney.

I hear you! It was tough for me to get pregnant with my first two babies. Sex was a scheduled activity, which took all the fun out of it. Then after my fist baby (almost 5) it hurt during sex which really takes the fun out of it and I haven't really had a drive since. My youngest baby is 10 months old and I am awatiting the time for my drive to come back. I work full time nights so I know sleep dperivation is part of the problem. I also know that I am stubborn and when my husband brings it up I want it even less. I think men need to realize that we need to feel wanted like the before children days. We need a little Foreplay and to feel desired not like we own it to them!!!

Hello- I completely understand what you're going thru...
I ahve two children and work 9-10 hours per day...I don't even think about sex! No sex at all. I have no need, no desire.

I am always running. I get home at 7PM and it's like a race to get everything done before bed time. Once it's time to get into bed-I cuddle with my children ( a little guilt for not being around?) I resent my husband for not helping more so I can lay with my children more...why is it my job to get lunches ready, why is it my job to wash the laundry, why is it my job to dress the children???these are just a few of the questions I ask myself on a daily basis!!!
I love him very much before we had children we had sex 1-2 times a day! Now 1-3 times a YEAR!

Good luck to you-please feel free to contact me again-even if you just want to vent!

H.

This is REALLY interesting to me -- thank you for asking. I have personally struggled with this issue my entire adult life (even pre-baby).

Originally my husband thought maybe it was in my head -- because I was raped when I was 14 and we had many fights about me seeing a counselor. For MANY years we struggled as a couple on how to deal with the issue and we both ended up feeling bad -- me because I just wasn't interested, and my husband because he felt like he was pushing.

However, when we started trying to have a baby and dropped the BC it was like a switch flipped and there was no longer an issue. In the past I had been on the Nuva Ring, Orthotrcylin, and Depo --- all had the same side effect.

We are now back in the same boat. At 11 months when I stopped nursing, I went back on the pill (Ortho) and am having the same side effect. Now that we fully understand it, my husband and I as dealing with it better. I also plan on talking to my Dr. about it at my yearly coming up. Going with out BC is not an option for us -- we just can't financially afford an "accident" at this time in our lives.

If you find a good solution let me know!

Me too! Write back if you get any good advice!

I also had this same problem while I was on Nuva Ring (I'm 26). I talked to my NP and searched the internet thinking it was the Nuva Ring but neither source seemed to think so. BUT-after I stopped, things returned to normal (after about a month). I think the BC can cause this, which is so sad because the Nuva Ring was such a blessing! I would talk to your doctor and see what they say, they might have more information about the Nuva Ring than my NP had. Good luck!!

I was on Nuva Ring up until 3 months ago. I too went through that, then i forgot to get to the pharmacy in time to put in a new one and thought well i'll skip this month and just be careful. I noticed a difference in just that month. I mean a HUGE difference in my sex drive. I actually never went back to the pharmacy to get a new one because i couldnt stand that i didnt have a sex drive I felt unattractive and guilty because I just couldnt get into the mood. So for me it was the birth control. I'm in the process of trying to figure out what kind I want to take or what i want to do. Maybe try taking break and see if it helps. I was worried that I just wasnt going to be into sex again but it changed as soon as i got off of the Nuva Ring. I thought it was very handy not having to remember a pill everyday or have to fumble with condoms but in the end it wasnt worth loosing that drive and that intimacy with my husband. It's still not the same as it was before i got pregnant but it's much better anyways.

from talking to other women i have found that women look at sex differently especially once you have kids. women can go with out sex and not even care..lol men of course are different. i think also women have a hard time switching gears after a long day of taking care of kids and it's hard to turn your mind off of everything you need to do as a mom and wife and care taker of the house etc. and we just plain get tired! lol
my husband and i have had many talks about this and it's something he has agreed to be more patient about and i have tried to get my mind in the right 'gear' and stop thinking of all the things i think i need to do,, and get my mind on physical pleasures. it does help to think of the times we have had sex in the past or before kids and the fun of that and it helps get my mind in that mode and me more ready to actually want sex.
but thru your life it will come and go. it doesn't mean you don't love your husband. but as long as you continue to talk about it openly, and honestly with each other. keep those lines of communication open about it then it will come back and it won't become a resentment and wedge in your marriage.
good luck

I'm 25 (26 next week) and have two boys also. I know exactly how you feel. I have a 7 month old baby and ever since he was born I've had no desire, but I'm pretty sure I've figured out why. The answer for me is pretty simple. I just don't feel sexy. My husband is only affectionate when he wants to do it, and often comments about how grossed out his is by my breast (because I breastfeed). They aren't for him anymore. I've gained the usual baby wieght and it hasn't gone away, plus I get so drained from taking care of my boys. My husband doesn't understand, but doesn't try to complain either, unless it's been about 3 weeks. That's a long time for us. When we are in the moment though, I do enjoy it, but I'm also glad it's over... cuz that means he's got his sexual fix that should last a few day. LOL! That's so terrible for me to say. LOL! But just know, you're not alone, and you'll feel much better when you try to figure out why you're not in the mood either.

B.,
I feel for you. I have a son who is about to turn 2 in December and honestly I still have no drive. I was previously very interested in sex and was worse while I was pregnant. I am not on any contriceptives so I do not know if yours has anything to do with your situation. I tried giving my sons father all the verbal incuragment however it was never enough for him. To this day I still have problems with this no sex drive. I want it when I want it and I dont want anyone other than my son touching me unless I let them in my inner bubble. I was a very physically affection person to my sons father and to the rest of my family and now I am not. It is getting alot better now that my son is getting older and not so dependant on me. I wish you luck. Its very hard trying to explain to a significant person that you just dont feel like being touched or having sex. If you figure out how to get out of this slump, PLEASE email and let me know what you find out. I could use some advise on it also. If anyone else reads this and has advise for me I am more than willing to hear theirs also. I am a single mother of 1 incredible little boy who will be 2 soon. Doing it on our own now because sex was an issue for my sons father. He just didnt understand how someone could change. =)

low testosterone level- or you are just plain tired. My ex ordered a supplement for me that seemed to help- it was mail order, but I bet there is something at GNC that could do the same thing. Or see if your md thinks about the situation. When women have no sex drive it is typically medical or homonal-which then morphs into emotional.

It really isn't uncommon for us moms to lose our way when it comes to sex, men see it very different then woman do, I have gone through similar feeling over the years, and here is what I have figured out, it really has nothing to do with how attractive our husbands are or how much we love them. We become overwhelmed, I notice you have a new little guy plus a 2 year old, and they can be tiring, one is a lot more easier to work around two make it a lot harder, and I am sure by the end of the day you are ready to just go to sleep, I always jokingly say that sleep is more important to me then all the money in the world, That is my me time, what you could try to do is explain to your husband that you would just like to cuddle at night, not have sex but snuggle, talk, watch a movie, those kind of things, they will take your mind off of the list of chores you have waiting for yourself the next day and maybe you will be more receptive to the sex if it doesn't feel so much like a duty, like every night when you climb into bed it is expected of you, sex does change during a marriage once kids arrive, but if the perspective of sex is changed it can become more enjoyable, maybe not every night, but quality over quantity. I don't know if I helped but good luck, you are not the only married couple in this boat, I just wish more people would talk about so there is a more realistic view of what really happens in a marriage once children are born.

What if you try to change your outlook? Certainly I would never want to put it back on you or make you guilty. I just think it's easy to start to dread all the 'work' that goes into it. I look forward all day long to cuddling up next to my hubby at night and doing whatever happens to be on our minds. Sometimes it's just a movie, but most of the time it turns into more. PPD also can set in later in your child's infancy when the busy-ness has gotten to be so exhausting. See your doc about the NuvaRing and be sure to mention your low libido.
~L.

This probably sounds a little odd, but I think I can help. A lot of times after kids, your body's balance of estrogen and progesterone are totally out of whack. I use a botanically based progestrone cream. It comes directly from a soybean, and is bioidentical to our natural progestrone. Two cycles of this stuff will get you right back to normal. Email me if you want info on how to purchase it online. ____@____.com

I think 50% of women with 2 kids under the age of 3 years old might feel the same way! Its hard to feel sexy when your number one job is being the mommy. I am so tired at the end of the day. I gave up trying to look sexy daily because its impossible when you are cooking, cleaning, wiping poopy little butts, cleaning sippy cups, playing with play dough and washing crayons off the wall. So hang in there. PLEASE TAKE TIME FOR YOURSELF. I feel so much better when I have a few hours away from the house without my kids. My husband and I have an agreement that we go on one date a week (at least we try) and we each have our own day (or night for a few hours) a week by ourselves. I usually get a manicure or hang out with my girlfriends. I used to feel so guilty doing this until I realized it was healthy for me and beneficial to my family if I just had a few hours of grown up time each week. When I am rested and feel better about myself sex is better. Good luck.

Be honest with your husband and let him know how you feel. My husband thought the same thing when I started having no desire to have sex. He'll feel much better about it and also enjoy it a lot more when you do have sex. It takes a lot out of us as SAHMs and our husband just don't understand that completely. We're still going thru this too, so I don't have any tricks to help you. One thing that's helped us is some good quality Daddy/Mommy time like before the kids and even before we were married!

Speaking as one who completely understands, I dont think its gone, its just bored out of its mind. Look at your schedule you have. You stay home, probably most of the day, you clean, run after kids, and do the cooking. You are very busy. Then Hubby comes home and now you have to basically pencil in that special time with him too. You probably have such a routine down that it seems like it is a chore as well. My advice: Shake things up!! Try different things to get yourself in the mood. Figure out what works for you. In our house, we love playing games, so when the kids are in bed, we might play a rousing game of strip Trivial Pursuit. It makes the game twice as fun and very very interesting. We also have a movie that we both love to watch that just seems to do something for us both. We now use it as a code work for sex around our kids, for that added excitement and of course the kids just think we are going to watch another boring old movie. The funny thing is that the movie is just rated R and has no real sex scenes in it, its just a sexy movie. Candles are a great mood maker too. If you have a friend who can watch the little ones over night once, then cook a romantic meal together, nude (and carefully so we dont get burned) or if there isnt one who can take the kids, still cook a meal, but wear as little as possible, like nothing underneath and remind each other thru-out that you dont have on any underwear. These are just examples of things we have tried and like. There is so many more possibilities that may work better for you. Make any game into a strip game or just relax together in a bath. I hope this helps. Good Luck!

OMG! I have the same problem, we are trying a few different things and we hope it works or we will be going to the dr. We are really wanting another child and it helps to have a drive but I am just trying to make the best and in hopes of soon being able to "enjoy" having it again. right now we are trying different gels and stuff like that as we are both not about the sex toys. Let me know if you get any good advise please.
Thanks1

A little about me, married 13 years now, our daugther is almost 7 years old and also have 1 special angel boy who would have been this this past month. We both work full time outside the home and enjoy the time we share as a family

I have never been on nuva ring but I know that when I went on certain birth control pills, I also lost desire for sex. It is in fact one of the side effects of some (if not all) pills. Check with your doctor because it could be the nuva ring. Good luck.