Other Single Moms Experiencing Hard Time "Dating"

Hi C.,

I agree with Jennifer. I would tell them right off the bat that I was a mother, not looking for a father, that my daughter had one already and then let them take the lead from there. Many took a hike early. Good riddance. You are most certainly better off without them.

I have been married for several years now, but was a single mom for 7 years. I through it out there right away. That way it didn't seem like a bomb being dropped when we were getting serious enough or things had progressed enough. They knew I had a child, and if they wanted to date me, it was the whole package or notta. Now, sometimes they met my daughter early on, and sometimes they never met. And they were always just mom's friends.
My best advice, never ever sell yourself short. I had a guy tell me how great he is because he would actually date a single mom.I let him know he could stop patting himself on the back and I moved on.

C.,
Just date. Don't have an eye on the "future", just enjoy the moment of being somewhere with someone.

Partly because our culture tends to see "The Nuclear Family" (Mom, Dad, 2.5 kids, maybe a few pets) as "The Big Goal" (along with a house, yard, cars, and lots of stuff to finance and maintain), and partly because most of us were married for so long, we tend to see "Married" as what our goal should be. This scares men. Heck, its scary for anyone, especially someone who hasn't gone through it yet.

See your present situation as a gift: you have been given the opportunity to rediscover who you are as an independent woman (which you may feel really sucks right now, but ya gotta embrace it LOL)!

I had been married for 25 years, and realized that I'd never lived alone: had gone from my childhood home to college to marriage and had never had my own place. I absolutely love renting a small 2-BR apartment; I'm liberated from having to clean and maintain a big house!

I have hot pink curtains in my bedroom, lavendar polka dots in the bathroom, and gold stillettos in my wardrobe. My place is full of plants, music, and books.

My relationship with my daughter is something I actively think about and am re-defining: I'm a much more open, relaxed, happier independent woman for her.

Dating isn't a path to the altar which someone may suddenly "cut off"; it's just getting out and enjoying a time and a place with someone IN THAT MOMENT.

I like to joke that the main difference between men and women is that a woman will look at a guy and wonder if she'll be sleeping with him in 20 years; a guy looks at a women and wonders if he'll be sleeping with her tonight. Only half joking! When a guy looks at a girl for the first time, he probably isn't thinking, "Is this someone I want to share a mortgage with?" He's probably thinking (especially the single ones), "She might be fun to go to a concert with (or dinner or bowling or whatever)".

You deserve to just go out and have some fun! Don't give a goal to every relationship, just enjoy what it offers: somebody new to talk with over dinner, a companion at a museum, a tennis partner. Dating more than one guy at a time doesn't make you a slut, it gives you choices. Not having a date for a month (or months) doesn't mean you're "without a man" (the great feminist quote of the previous century: "A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle"), it means you're free to do whatever YOU want for awhile. Alone doesn't mean lonely; you might not always feel like "celebrating" being alone, but if you do, life is a lot more fun!

Best of luck.

C.,
I'm not a single mom, but I wanted to respond. I have a niece who IS a single mom and I see what she goes through. It's a hard road sometimes.
I think it's better to find out sooner rather than later that a man is not looking for a "ready made family." Translation: When you find the "right O." he will be just as in love with your son as he is with you! Otherwise, consider yourself lucky to have them hit the bricks.

Hi C.,

If your divorce is not final, I'd wait on dating anyway. You are not really free to pursue a serious relationship, even if you are divorced in your heart already. It takes some time to be comfortable with yourself as a single woman. You need to get to the place where you are just FINE by yourself. That you do not choose to be with a man because you NEED to, but just because you WANT to. That will allow YOU to choose who you want to spend time with. So, that is number one.

Secondly, I NEVER went out with a guys that did not know from the get-go that I was a single mother.

Thirdly, this is my opinion, of course, but I wouldn't sleep with the men I dated. I didn't sleep with any man that I dated, except the man who eventually married me. I had to know that he was committed to me and could see a future with me before taking that step. That way, if I find out that they are a jerk, it doesn't hurt me so much to break it off. If I got that, "You're a great girl" line, then I'd know if my heart that they really didn't know how great I was and proud of myself that I didn't share everything with them.

Being a single mom is hard work, but it is a journey that will help you grow into the woman you were meant to be, and you will find strength and capabilities that you never knew you had. And it is a journey that helps you become a fearless, independent, strong woman that only very intelligent, deserving, and lucky men get the honor of having. Let the jerks go and wait for the one who will treasure you.

L.

Some great advice here (I LOVE liz's advice..you go girl!)

I was a single Mom for ten years. I let it be known that I was a proud Mom and no, you can't meet my son,I keep my dating life and family life seperate (that changed when it got serious, twice).

Ever see "Jerry McGuire"? The girl's character always upset me because she was portrayed as a woman desperately seeking a father for her son (I understand why she would ultimately want that...its just that it was the message that SHE wasn't enough and really wreaked of insecurity). This is not a reflection on YOU, I just wanted to illustrate how many single women are portrayed in the media...as desperate girls pushing helpless and unwilling men into fatherhood. I always made it clear that my son had ONE father, no repacement needed. And I never thought of him as "baggage", as our culture so cruely puts its it. If you put it out there without that as subtext you should weed out the bad ones quite quickly.
Also, if you ever "internet" date, it is great because you can check the box 'I have kids' so it is known going in.
:)

hello C.

I understand how you feel and I am sure there are a lot of people out there that do. I too am finalizing a divorce and I have 3 children which makes it a little hard to date or find someone that wants to date me. I have been seeing a guy for a few months now and basically what I do is try to keep things low key due to the kids. I see him on my free weekends and he stops by sometimes during the week to help me out or drop something off and stays for an hour or so but I dont have him here at night or do anything that would be confusing for the kids at this point in time.
I dont want to toss him into my life too quickly because it is complicated and he comes from a quiet household of just the dogs and him so its really different for him and it would be for the kids too. so far this is working out for me but I know at sometime I have to have them mingle a little more than they do now to get use to him if he is going to be around. I know at any time he can decide that its too much for him and move on and although I would be sad I would try to think like you said that its for the best to find out before you get too involved because that would hurt even more. Just remember that sometimes things dont work out for the right reasons although we feel bad in the long run its better and then the right one will come along when its time and only then.
God has a plan for all of us and only he knows what the future holds just take your time and know that good things will come.
sometimes we meet people when we least expect it so enjoy your child and let what is meant to happen, happen
good luck

GREAT ADVICE from AMY J once again!!!!

Best of luck to you... I'm a single mom who recently started dating a wonderfully mature man who has taken pleasure in developing a relationship with both me and my 3 year old son. Like Amy said, just when I thought it would never happen, he came out of nowhere... and although the addition of a great man to your lives will open new avenues of happiness for you and your son, you will miss these days of it just being the two of you... so relish this time while it lasts, and hold out for that truly great guy... he'll find you!!!!

I don't know your age, but its not like that at 45! My first bf got very serious. Talked about marriage, loved the kids etc. Distance was our problem. The second(current) I told immediately I did not want ANYTHING serious. And of course hes heading that way. He ADORES the girls. I will end it soon if so. Ive been asked out at least 4 other times. AND I don't ever go out! Its got to be the age! Good luck to you, and like me...it'll happen when it happens. Just look at all this as experiences and enjoy the time.

OMG!!!
Absolutely NEVER forget, if the train doesn't stop at your station, it's not your train!!!

It's so hard to absorb when you want to find someone, and you like someone, and you want them to want you and to like you, but the reality is YOU DON'T WANT HIM if he can't be an awesome husband AND father.

You have a child. this will not change. Your child will be yours forever. A man? Who knows. You do not want someone who feels that he is "settling" rather than gaining a glorious new family full of relationships. You HAVE to keep your standards HIGH even if it means a few months or even years alone. You can still date casually.

If you really think about it, you should be looking at the men skeptically, like, "Is he really GOOD enough for all of us?... dont' THINK so...." Not the reverse- hoping that you and your son are good enough for him, even though he's not equipped to handle your situation.

Mature men ARE out there, and YES they are harder to find. But that's what you want and need. Do you want someone inadequate SOONER, or somebody awesome LATER? Be patient. You and your kids are not desperate for someone to accept you against their better judgment. You deserve someone to love you as much as you are able to love your son and someone else.

DO NOT let someone who is not ready for children be the example in your family for your son. He needs a man in his life, not a boy. I know it hurts to be rejected, but you honestly are better off-it's not just a cliche.

Be thankful for the future ahead, and set your standards high and don't be afraid to not budge. You should be the one who is "not willing to commit" when on your dates. Let them know right off, post it online...."I'm not willing to settle for anyone who's not ready for kids, so I'm not going to take this seriously anytime soon, and I am seeing other people..." This is honest, and lets them off the hook so they don't feel pressured and chased. They will respect your resolve in making your son a priority (if they're a good guy). Maybe they will rise to the challenge, maybe they won't, but YOU BE THE DECIDER.

Also, make a list of your requirements in a man for yourself, writing them will make them real. Top of the list should be:

Mature, responsible, and generous enough to feel honored to take care of and love myself and my family.

Loyal, ethical and morally upstanding

Makes money

Great in the sack.....

Whatever you REALLY want...write it down!!!! There is a book about this-I think it's called the Gift, making your wishes come true. Read it!
Best wishes, lots of people are in this boat, cherish this "alone" time with your son, because a man will come along one day when you least expect!

Dear C.:

I pray that when you receice this e-mail you receive it with love receive it from someone who has been down this road. I was once a single mom to a 41/2 year old daughter she was my life saver. I was single for 4 1/2 years and I keeped no let me say that the Lord Jesus Christ keep be busy that I had no time to date because my first responsibilty was my daughter. In the eyes of God I was still legally married even though I was waiting for my divorce papers. Have I dated and I did before my divorce was final it was an offence to God my father, Jesus my Savior and to the Holy Spirit who lives inside of me. I grift Him because I was still under the covenant of my marriage. That is consider adultery and I broke God's law. The word of the Lord says that even by looking we have already commited adultery with lust.

I would encourage you to take this time and seek the presence of the Holy Spirit if you have a personal relationship with Jesus and seek Him. You are still in a covenant with your husband and you are still healing emotionally. That is why there is 2nd marriages divorce because people go into relationships quickly without being heal from the previous one and without talking to someone. Right now your son or daughter is your #1 priority. Don't allow satan to put idols in your path that keep you from making time alone with the one who create you and who desires to have a personal relationship with you. Before any else JESUS should be your #1. Don't rob yourself of this blessing. I speak for experience. SEEK FIRST HIS PRESENCE.

I pray that this advice was of some help to you.

IN HIS PRESENCE,
C.

I share this experiences all the time...guys don't seem to take me serious when I tell them I'm a single mom..they don't give a girl chance without getting judge. It's so hard to date because men think single moms are looking for a daddy instead of a companion. I tell men right away I'm a single mom if they can't handle that then it's not my fault but theirs, they haven't mature obviously. Two thumbs up for all the single mommas out there. Keep doing what your doing!!

always be upfront that your a mom from the beginning and yes there are men who will run and others who won't.

If he knew from the beginning that your had a kid, then he just using it as an excuse now to break things off.

How long are you and your ex seperated? does pay to wait till its final so that it can't be used against you.

Always better sooner then later and yes decide what do you really want? friend, do you really want to get serious, play partner, (yes I did say a play partner we are human and honestly as I'm now divorced for 8 months with him out 3 years, 5 kids, I can't see myself getting remarried or serious relationship till down the road, but idea of having a good friend with benefits, while yes against Christ sometimes the stress reliever and something to look forward to and also that you don't jump into a serious relationship/marriage just for sex.