Dating After Long Marriage Ended

Updated on September 15, 2010
R.R. asks from New Orleans, LA
7 answers

After 29 years of marriage I am seperated from my husband, no chance for reconciliation. I decided I would not legally divorce for financial reasons, and did not have any interest in dating. I met a nice man a few months ago at work, he asked me out tonight, I am conflicted. Is it ok to date although not legally divorced? Thanks for any answers/opinions.

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So What Happened?

Dear MardaP., I have 2 grown children and 1 grandchild. I wrote as though I were my daughter at her request, she wanted answeres but didn't want to ask questions! I think my children would be happy for me, I have devoted myself to them.

More Answers



answers from Portland on

I dated while I was not divorced. I thought it was OK. I knew I wasn't going back to my husband and I didn't. We are now divorced. The man in which I was most interested thought it was wrong to date while still married. We went out 3-4 times and I really enjoyed his company and thought he was having a good time too. Suddenly, he said he didn't feel right dating me because I was married.

I think a lot depends on how complicated your life is while still married. Are children involved? When my daughter was in her early teens, I dated a man who was still married and going thru a divorce. She was very upset about it. You dating can be very confusing to children, if you have any. Adult children will have their own feelings too, that might interfere with your relationship with them.

Looking back on my dating, I know, if I had it to do over again, I wouldn't date someone who was still married even tho they said their marriage was over, even tho they had filed for divorce. First, I've known men who went back to their wives. Second, every man I dated, who was going thru a divorce, left our relationship once the divorce was final. I was a slow learner. There were 3 of them. :( I was an interim person who helped them thru the painful process which they now wanted to forget.

I also found, while working with men, that sometimes they date a married woman because they do not want to have a long term relationship. They sometimes are not able to be emotionally available and are looking for someone with whom to have superficial fun. As long as the woman understood this, their relationships were OK. Unfortunately, I knew a couple of women who were hurt.

I tell you this to let you know that whether or not dating while still married, tho separated, is not a simple decision. You still have to evaluate each situation to determine if dating this person will provide for what you need in a relationship. Which means that first you need to determine what it is you're looking for. And always remember that what the man says may or may not be the truth. Often people aren't aware of their own feelings and they think they are telling the truth but over time I've learned that they were unaware. And, of course, some lie intentionally.

Also be aware that relationships can become serious when you don't want them to be. You could be starting a way of living that can turn your life into an emotional roller coaster. Of course this is true no matter your marital status but by remaining married you've added another layer of complications.

Lastly, how does your husband feel about you dating? I've seen situations in which the couple say it's OK to date but when it happens they discover it's really not OK. That can result in a high level of emotion that is difficult to fix.

I went back to look at your profile and see that you do have at least an adult daughter and a young child. Please take into consideration how your dating will affect them.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Pittsburgh on

I would say yes just as long as you let the man at work know that you are still legally married. I would wait until date #2 though.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Los Angeles on

If you do it do it beacause you want to not because hes doing it like some women would.i say be happy .

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Oklahoma City on

I am assuming you are your husband no longer live in the same home? If you are comfortable with it and the man you are dating is comfortable with it it shouldn't be an issue at all. I dated while going thru my divorce. It's not a big deal since you aren't married, your children are grown and you and your husband aren't getting back together. If you like the guy and want to spend some time with him, go for it! Good luck!!



answers from Denver on

I am not sure what financial reasons work out that divorce would not be viable but I say as long as you and your husband have discussed it and are in total agreement with dating and this man you want to date knows that you are still married then go for it.

Good luck!


answers from Los Angeles on

I did. I knew I was absolutely done with my marriage, and it was dragging out for several reasons. Why put my life on hold. I was honest with the people I dated and if they were ok with it, great, if they weren't then I understood.


answers from Oklahoma City on

i dated while going through divorce with my ex husband and dated my husband while he was divorcing his ex wife.

if the kids are doing ok, and you're ok with it, do what you're comfortable doing, just make sure you take time for yourself to think i wouldn't commit to anything any time soon

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