No More Fun

My daughter goes to a Psychologist and we were talking about this just the other day. She said that I need to ask the kids once and if they don't listen the next time they receive a consequence. I feel like I am giving them at least 3-4 chances and after the first 2 I start getting mad. So I have tried this the last few days and it is really working. She said to give consequences that fit the crime. So last night I asked the kids to clean up the pet shops. They started crying and whining so I told them they had to clean the whole toy room. They continued to cry while cleaning, but they did it and had a much better attitude when it was done. Another example: Everyone needed a break yesterday and take a little rest. My one daughter complained so I added more time to her rest.

I am really excited about how well this is working. I think if I continue to be consistent it will get to the point that I am only adding consequences every so often instead of all the time. Good luck, I totally feel for you.

Well for me, it is because overall... it 'seems' that:

1) I am stressed with no help. And if I ask for help from Hubby, then he acts like I am the ONLY woman/wife in the WHOLE world, that needs help. And that EVERY single woman in the world is perfect and talks all nice and sweet except for me...

2) When I have NO time.... at all.... to do anything, besides multitasking about 15 things at ONE time. And, as soon as I do sit down to put up my feet... within 5 seconds... I am called again, by my kids or Hubby for something. Even if I tell them "Please let me be for 15 minutes.." they can't and don't.

3) It happens... when, we are like a Hamster on one of those running wheel thingy's that they play on. CONSTANT non-stop.... always on the go... and NO rest in sight.
THAT Is when... I get just totally tweaked and just have absolutely no patience.
Oh, so I JUST finished cooking dinner. Something my Hubby wanted and my daughter. And I was frantically trying to cook while my son was calling me like 10 times and my Hubby would NOT help... but instead tells me "How come you can't go help him, he's calling you..." To which I reply "I am COOKING.... I am upstairs and HE is downstairs... and YOU are downstairs... NOW, WHO can help? Not me. I am cooking. You are not. You can help your son...." Then I turned around and went back to the kitchen where I had 2 pots on the stove. Then... 5 minutes later, my daughter tells me "Daddy is going out. He's going to get dinner someplace else.... he looks irritated...."
Can you imagine how PISSED I was? How childish! I.cannot.believe. he did that. Well actually I can.
I was cooking a dinner HE requested.... and I was slaving in the kitchen... but yet he cannot help with the kids when I am cooking... but instead is just hanging out doing nothing.

Well, typical... me, slaving away, doing EVERYTHING... and me... getting no nada nothing... for understanding. At all. Or if I do, it is only about once every 2 months. And a DENSE Husband... and kids who drive me nuts but mean well over all. And are basically fine kids. But...
not on days like this... when I am doing EVERYTHING and EVERYTHING... oh and EVERYTHING else.

Yah, I am having a TOTALLY bad day and night.
I... am right now, the woman from hell.
Venting here.
And yes... days like this... make me Grouchy. With a capital "G."

No, you are not alone.

I have no answers. No "Hallmark" greeting card answers for you.
But just that you are not... the only one.

All the best,
Susan

How much time do you get for you? How do you take care of you? When do you get to ask for help? Have you ever had permission to care for yourself or were you taught to care for everyone else's needs and to "sacrifice" yourself for the well-being of others?

In my work with women, and in my own life, I have found a direct correlation with our anger and our lack of self-care. I know that as a working mom you feel that there is no time in the day for you to even imagine caring for yourself, however, if you put you first there is always time for you. It is also true that we are better moms when we take care of ourselves first.

The concept is the same as the rules for oxygen masks on an airplane. You put your mask on before assisting anyone else. Another idea that changed my life, is that we never give from our cup we only give from the overflow. I actually watched a demonstration of this once and it was very profound for me. I watched a life coach fill a cup with sand and then continue to fill the cup till it was overflowing. At the time, I was stunned because the thought had never occured to me how simple it is to give from the overflow and how painful it is to give from your cup.

When my children were young. I found myself dealing with serious yelling issues too. I learned to take a mommy time out and to anger journal out all my frustrations. I had a deep reservoir of suppressed anger that took some time to slowly begin to drain out. The anger journaling transformed my relationships with my children.

The other thing that helped transform things was taking a parenting class. I learned tools about how to talk to my children, how to discipline without stress, how to determine what was my issue and what were my children's issues, what boundaries are and why the are so important, and many other tools that released us all from that "world of chaos" you mentioned.

Contrary to popular belief, we do not automatically know how to be parents and it is simply wise to get some help. I think many people feel they are admitting there is something wrong with them if they seek help in parenting. Is there something wrong when we take a cooking class or took driver's ed or had help learning our abc's?

I was getting this way with our children (currently pregnant with Baby # 3 so have added hormones as well). I went to the library and got a book called "Mom, Jason's Breathing on Me!". First, it was just something to occupy my time while watching the children play outside, but secondly, it has given me a different perspective on how to treat my kids. I was getting so annoyed with all the "mom.. he did this and mom.. she did that". In this book it suggested to let them figure out their own problems and have them stop fighting for your attention. I only started a week ago with observing their "fighting" behavior but since I have butt out of their bickering and have beeng letting them resolve their own problems I have noticed I am not as stressed and yelling. I think I was just yelling b/c i was annoyed by the petty bickering between them. I am going to continue to try this method a couple of more weeks and see what happens, but so far, it has nice (and almost puts a smile on my face) watching them resolve their own issues.

So, I wouldn't persay that I am suggesting this book, but my suggestion would be make sure you are getting to do something "fun" for yourself (which in my case was reading a book) and then secondly try letting the kids work out some of their own chaos before you jumping in.

Good luck!

I sympathize. I identify! Indeed, the Grouchy Mama Society is worldwide!
After all, you're doing two (or more) full-time jobs, so frustration comes with the territory. When we're tired enough, we even fall into the trap of embracing our grouchiness. Yuck! So, without wanting to put any more burdens on you, I encourage you to start with yourself.

How tired are you? I bet the answer is VERY. You're working all day and - with a two-month-old - all night.

Are you a perfectionist? Do you yearn for things at home and in your work to be so good that no one would complain or criticize about them? Do you feel guilty a lot?

Achieving a balance is hard. You can take some small steps toward that goal, but you'll need some patience with yourself.

If you haven't had a checkup lately, you might want to get one, just to make sure nothing is physically wrong with you other than fatigue.

Husbands are sometimes good helpers at home and sometimes not. Anyhow, they have their own work to do. But if you can hire some household assistance for a while, it would be a great investment! Call your local high school; a reliable student who could come a couple of afternoons after school could take a bit of the load off your shoulders until both you and the baby are sleeping better. Hire someone who is really efficient at vacuuming, bathroom-cleaning, ironing and other housework. This will free a little time for two other priorities: resting yourself and playing (remember playing?) with your little ones.

This is a good time for you to streamline your day as much as you can. Can you unclutter your home to any extent? Ask your six-year-old to help you! If you're a perfectionist, decide to lower your standards temporarily, making your home clean and organized enough to live in even though not everything is done well all the time. If there's a way you can streamline your paying job, too, figure out how.

Children tend to be frustrated when Mama is frustrated. Not that they won't disobey, fight, or whine the rest of the time, but when Mom is tied up in knots the kids seem to get worse. So starting with your own chaos is a way to help theirs.

Oh, and start looking for things to smile at right now! It sounds silly, but it's crucial. No matter how overwhelming things are, find something that lifts your spirits - three or more times a day. Make it a treasure hunt of sorts, because you'll have to search! Discover even tiny things that make you smile or laugh. What's outside your window right now? What expressions are on your beloved children's faces?

You are overwhelmed and in a negative merry go round sort of existence. Find a way to break the cycle. Can you not do any work for a couple of hours and focus on having fun with the kids? Go to a fast food place for lunch. Spend some time at the park. Etc. Gamma G listed a number of wonderful ways to get out of the house, change the scenery, and have fun.

I suspect you're not having any time for yourself and scheduling that into your day is essential. Even if you just find a way to take your shower without any interruptions doing so will help you feel more calm. While in the shower, listen to music, recite poetry, think about fun things. Do not plan your day or try to problem solve. This 20 minutes is just for you.

Then schedule time with the kids every morning, perhaps have a simple breakfast together, and talk about the day and some things that you can look forward to doing. Plan ahead for things that the 2 oldest can do. Set out specific toys, art supplies, clay, whatever they enjoy doing. Give each of them one thing that they'll most likely enjoy doing while you do what you need to do. When that's boring. Do some exercise with them. Have them run to the end of the hall and back and have the six yo count and report back to you. All while you're also working. Give them another activity. Plan their day along with your day ahead of time. This way you'll feel like you have some control and the kids will have your attention at intervals. One reason that they're fighting is probably because they don't have enough supervision or attention from you. And they want/need more positive attention.

Actually, I don't see how you can work from home with 3 kids those ages. Depending on what work you do,you may have to schedule your work when someone else is involved with the children. Could your husband/bf take over the kids for awhile in the evening? Could you hire a mother's helper from the neighborhood or neighborhood school?

It sounds to me that you have more to do than you can actually do. Perhaps consulting with a home and office organizer would help you. I've seen stories similar to you in which an organizer helped the mother arrange her home so that managing work and kids was easier. I've also read a couple of magazine articles about it. Try looking up home organizer on the Internet.

I also agree with Peg M.s recommendation to read How to Talk so Kids Will Listen & Listen so Kid Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.

Get out of the house and let the kids have some activities that don't require your constant attention. Let them work off some energy at the park or at a play area at McDonalds, they can eat a parfait or some apple dippers instead of a happy meal.

Take a walk and use a double stroller, the sidewalks in your area are usually pretty flat and easy to walk on, well, in Provo they keep them level, go to story time at the library or some kind of play date with other moms.

We had one through our church for a while and it was really nice to get the kids together in the cultural hall and let them ride bikes, play ball, run around and play, etc...plus we grew together as real friends and not just acquaintances. There were no risqué clothing, no smoking pot or other tobacco items around, no bad language, no teens skipping school and hiding from the police on the park playground...I loved being in the building and in a safe and healthy environment for all ages of children.

Getting a change of scenery is very helpful, get out of the house and enjoy the world.

Hi C.-

I totally understand, as would most moms. I had the same thing when my second daughter was 2 months old and I was having a hard time with the first. Several people suggested the book "Love and Logic Magic for Early Childhood." It was a quick read and so helpful. It essentially taught us to give the older one a lot of choices each day: do you want the yellow or red bowl? would you like these shoes or these? You give them a chance to stop their behavior one time (no more than once) and then you say in a sad voice (not yelling) "uh-oh. That's too bad. Since you won't pick up your toy, I'll have to put it away for a while until you're ready for it." Then tell them a period of time you'll take it away for or something related to the behavior "uh-uh. You're not listening. That's so sad. We're not going to read the story now, because I don't know if you can listen well enough." It doesn't work all the time, but it was a huge improvement and made me feel like less of a monster. Now if we even say "uh-oh..." our daughter starts to pay attention. Hang in there. You have a two month old and that is A LOT and three kids are A LOT. Give yourself a break--I'm sure you deserve it.

I was that way and found that my hormones were way off (for me too much estrogen), So bad that at times it felt like my nerves were just crawling. Try getting some wild yam, it is a natural over the counter drug that works on regulating your hormones naturally and makes it all better. I have found that I am a lot more calmer, things don't bug me as much as they used to, and the kids are happier.

Also, for my 6 year old and listening, it is definitely an age thing. We have started making him pay us. If we have to call his name more than 2 times, if we tell him to go and get something and give him specific directions and after 2 times he hasn't done it, if he doesn't do his chores when he is supposed to, etc. He has to pay us. We don't have a set price, we tell him that since we had to do what was asked of him, then he has to pay us for it. He has only had to pay us 3 times so far. We give him 2 chances and then that's it.
IT will all be okay. If you feel too stressed put them in their rooms where they are safe and go take a deep breath.

I agree about finding care for the kids while you are working and taking some time for yourself every day. Also, my depression presents itself as irritability and being easy to anger. Is it possible you might be a little depressed? Go out for a walk, get some sunlight, look at your diet, all of these things can impact your mood.

If you can get the sibling behaviors to be less intrusive and draining, you'll have more time and emotional energy for the fun stuff. I strongly recommend the book Siblings Without Rivalry. Check out the reviews on Amazon, and I think you won't be able to wait to get your hands on that one.

Though I haven't read it myself, another book by the same authors, Faber and Mazlish, called How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, is my all-time favorite parenting book, and covers many of the same tips and techniques. Really, really good stuff, very positive and effective.

While you are working, do you have someone helping out with the kids?
I work from home too and there is no way I could focus on work while watching my daughters. If you don't have help, I strongly suggest that you find someone to watch the girls, whether that is at home or elsewhere. It could well be that your grouchiness is really a matter that you are trying to do two things at once, and it's just not feasible... it's a no-win situation for everyone that way. You need to create a different environment and give yourself the space to work without the kids.

Wow, when I read your post I had to do a double check at the name on the posting to make sure it wasnt me writing it! I am also a WAHM, my children are 7, 5, 3, 1 and the rest of your story sounds identical to mine! I at times feel like my head might explode if I have to hear it any longer or have to raise my voice again just so they can hear me! I am not much help but just wanted you to know you are definately not alone in the battle! I will have to read the other posts to see if I can find something to help me. Thanks for the posting and continue to hang in there.