I have a friend, "Sandy" I made about 6 months ago. She's very nice and going through a divorce. I can relate in some ways b/c I have been divorced for 6 years. However, we had no assets and he didn't want the kid so it was the fastest divorce w/out any problems. She however had a business w/her husband and so it's a long drawn out divorce.
My problem is all the divorce talk. Sometimes it's just a downer. I can relate that when things are hard you need to talk, but it's just so much. I think she needs a counsler, but I know she can't afford it and I can't be a counsler. I wish that occasionally we could talk about other things. I realized I never hear about her job or anything else.
Another problem is the badmouthing the dad. She is constantly bad mouthing her ex in front of the children. I have 1 and she has 4. The kids can understand her and they hear everything she says. I have always tried very hard to not say negative things about my son's dad b/c I don't want that for him. I'm not perfect, but I really put the effort forward. I don't want my son hearing someone speak negatively about a father figure. I don't want her kids to hear it.
So... how do I change the subject b/c I'm SO maxed out on talking divorce? And how to I nicely get her to stop the bad mouthing? I tried to tell her one time that the children were there and she got really defensive that I was bashing her parenting.
I'm sort of avoiding her b/c I can't take it... I want to be supportive, but I need my son to see divorce in a positive light. He is 6 and at the age where he is asking lots of questions. I want him to understand that families are different and that's okay. I don't want him to think divorce is bad. He was too young to know about it when I got divorced and I just want him to grow up with a healthy attitude that mommy and daddy used to fight and now we are all happier and he can be happy too.
Should I try to talk to her again or just keep my space?
Thanks ladies!!! For now I think I will keep my distance. I like the ideas to point out to her that it's not good for HER to dwell on it all the time! I am definitely going to lay it out there next time that we need to talk about something else. Like one poster said, everything is too much in excess, no matter the topic.
I needed to reaffirmation that I wasn't being a bad friend... thanks ladies!!! I will keep your suggestions to heart! You're great!
Just tell her that you don't want to talk about the divorce. She's beating a dead horse at this point...how much more could she possibly have to share that you haven't already heard?
Make it a rule that when you get together, you discuss everything ELSE that is going on. She's allowing the divorce to define her and her life...who will she be when it's all over?
You can either keep your distance, or when you get together you can acknowledge that she's having a rough time at the first mention. Don't comment or prolong the conversation at all, just nod and say, "Hmm, that sucks. You must be upset about that. Why don't we ___ so that you don't have to dwell on it? Let's find something fun to do so we don't have to talk about ex-husbands."
Lather, rinse, repeat. Smile and nod.
"Really? He said that? I'm sorry. Well, why don't we take the kids bowling to get our minds off of ex-husbands and try to have some fun. We can get some pizza while we're out."
"Yeah? I remember you said that a while ago. I was thinking that we should go to a movie some time. We could go see some chick flick and then hit a book store or something. All this talk about ex-husbands makes me want to take in a sappy comedy."
Sorry sent from my ipad hard to correct.
I remember when my mom was going through her divorce it seemed like all of the women around her, that is all they talked about. My mom was over it. She finally had to tell them she wanted to talk about other things.
She also suggested a few go and see a counselor to help them get past their feelings and their total focus on not being able to move on.
Some of them stayed her friends, even to this day and some she really never heard from again. Just be honest.. Even if they only spoke about shopping, eventually you would need to say, hey, lets talk about something else. I am over the shopping talk all of the time.
As for your friend speaking poorly about her children's father, you can share this with her.
I was a child of divorce. I knew the divorce was needed. They did not love each other and had not for a long time. When they told us they were getting a divorce I was relieved.
The only thing I can never totally forgive them for was the way they spoke about each other in front of me and my sister.
Your friend needs to remember her children love their father as much as they love her. They may be hiding it to stay on the moms good side, but the weight of the stress from this is very real to the children. Same if the dad speaks poorly of the mother.. it can make the child feel like, if you do not like or love my parent, and I am part of them, does that mean you really do not love me either?
These are true feelings. It is stressful to have to play along with the parent who is bad mouthing the other.
Once I became a parent I realized that it was selfish of them to do this to me and my sister. They were the adults and should have known better. it still hurts and I am now 50 years old.
It took my parents over 20 years to be able to be civil with one another. to even be in the same place without us All feeling stressed and uncomfortable.
It was shameful. I love them both and now things are great.. But your friend can avoid doing this to her children by, keeping it to herself. She can write it down, she can speak to a therapist, but she should NEVER speak poorly about their father in front of them again.
It is the best gift she can give them if the parents can respect the other parent in front of thier children.. Married or not.
The next time she talks about her husband in front of her kids, could you say (again): "I don't feel comfortable discussing the kids' father in front of them. I just don't feel right contributing to that. Can we talk about it in private?" See how she responds.
As for the other times, try NOT responding to the divorce conversation at all. Or with non-committal comments like "Mmmmmhmmmmm" or "uhhhh-huhhhhh" only. If she asks a specific question, offer your opinion--otherwise--you're Switzerland (neutral).
Tell her that SHE would feel immensely better if she'd stop bring him up constantly during conversation. Tell her she's giving him more power by constanty letting him be the focus of her thoughts. Tell her to do this for herself and that it would help her to move on faster. Maybe she'll get it.
This is so sad to me b/c she is doing nothing but hurting the kids and herself in the long run by being negative about the father in front of the kids. The children will grow up resenting her. It is not her place AT ALL to form an opinion of the Dad for her children. She has NO right! One of these days, the kids will hate her for it.
As for the constant "divorce talk" i would do what you can to try to change the subject. Maybe immediately start talking about the new outfit you bought...or...the new book you're reading...or...a tv show you're both mutually interested in...or...her opinion on how you should style your hair, etc.
I'm sorry - this is tough.
However, the best course of action is to tell her the truth. Will it hurt? Yes. But she NEEDS to hear it.
She MUST stop bad-mouthing their father - it WILL backfire on her. She may not think so - but IT WILL.
When she starts bad-mouthing the husband - you can do two things - maybe more - you can tell her to stop that is it NOT acceptable and to remind her that at one point she actually loved the man. Or you can change the subject. I'm sure there is more but really - bad mouthing in front of the kids is WRONG WRONG WRONG.
If she won't listen to you when you say ENOUGH and she starts taking it out on you - distance yourself.
I know that sucks but really - you can only help her so far. And if she can't see what she is doing is totally unhealthy for her and her children, then you will end up being drawn down and out with her toxic feelings.
If you see her when her kids are there, presumably your son is there too. Too avoid her thinking your are bashing her parenting skills, maybe you could say "Sally, I know you need to talk about this stuff but with Bobby around, I am not comfortable with this topic. He knows I went through a divorce with his dad and I don't want him to think our divorce was as hostile as yours. How is your job going?"
I would keep your space. Try to preserve the friendship because it could be different a year from now. There are many times I've talked with my husband about taking certain people in "small doses."
While you are keeping your space, try to continue having the compassion you've had toward her because you know her divorce is a nightmare for her and not all of them are low drama. I get where you're coming from b/c my first marriage ended in a low key divorce too and I have been shocked at hearing what some people have had to go through (drama, constant talking about it too). I think sometimes it makes people feel better to rant about it.
I don't think talking to her about it is going to prove to be fruitful.
I would just keep your space.
You have helped her, given her a shoulder to cry on & given some
advice no doubt.
There's nothing you can do about her kids hearing it. I've felt that way w/an aquaintance that was going through a divorce & there was no deterring her. It did not bother her.
Would she talk to a Pastor, they are free and can really help often times. I think more than any of the issues the fact that you are dumping ground for her is killing the relationship. I say give her some space, it's not your job to fix her and her life is so out of control right now. I cannot imagine how horrible it must feel to face raising four kids alone. I have three and that thought is just beyond my ability to even comprehend. Raising three kids with a husband is freakin' hard! Without one, nightmare. But that doesn't mean that you are the person she can pour out all her negativity on, however with all she is going through, she may have nothing else to offer right now. This is why I suggest the space. I have a friend who's life is a spiraling well of needs. The depth of her issues are just too much for me EVERYDAY.... In small doses I can deal. She has some similar issues of negativity and just saying really off the wall stuff. I tried to deflect those comments at first and then I just realized, she is where she is, not my job to change or fix that. I put some distance between she and I, and I for one am much happier. Now when I do see her I enjoy it and I can actually feel genuine concern for her situation and try to give helpful advice, in small doses. I can do nice things for her and just be a friend, again in small doses and her little quirks just roll off. Wish you the best and your friend too, sounds like her life is at a very difficult place right now. Take care!
What ChristyLee said.
Tell her you want to be her "escape" from her crappy norm and the big D is not to be discussed.
Try to remind her that talking about it in front of the children is a big stresser for them and she should do her best to refrain. That's a hard one tho, especially since she's already called you out on it.
Divorce causes friendships to fail.... it's part of it.
You said you are starting to avoid her, and that is perfectly normal since no one wants to be around a downer all the time.
I'd keep a healthy distance from her and only hang out when you are in the right mood to help cheer her up, but definitely not at your own mental expense.
Move on, if she misses your friendship, she will ask "what went wrong"., opening the door for you to be painfullyhonest. If not you are all for the better.
Blessings......
It's unfortunate she bad mouths her ex in front of the kids. I don't think there is anything you can really do about it for her kids sake. If she's going to bash him around you, she'll be speaking the same way no matter who else she is talking to. You can choose to not bring your son around this woman if you think her attitude will effect your own child. I'd try the phrase "Sorry Jane, I'm just not up to talking divorce today, what's happening at work for you these days?" Next time, "Yeah, I'm sorry, but let's not get all worked up about it again, have you seen any good movies lately?"
