Nine Year Old Son with a "Mouth"

Start right away by grounding or taking a privelage away or dishes for a week or picking up dog poo or with hold his allowance. Don't let him get away with it. My son did this to me and I blew a lot of it off instead of really punishing him and when I finally did punish him he left. You could make him scrub the toilets if he wants to have a POTTY mouth.

Andra's advice. Usually with boys it's video games. You have a lot of power with them.

And when he starts with the mouth, just don't engage. Just walk away, and follow through with the consequence.

My answer to this problem with my three girls was simple. I stripped their room of EVERYTHING. They had a bed and 7 days worth of clothing. No books, no toys, no stereo (t.v., phone nor computer were EVER allowed in their rooms) and this went on for a month. During that time, they were given then chance to earn things back, very slowly, I might add.

The first thing returned did not happen until the third week. Some of their stuff took 4 months to retrieve. You are obligated as his parent to provide a roof over his head, food in his tummy, clothes on his back and medical care. Everything else is gravy.

I would tell them, you will speak to me respectfully, kindly and in a voice that isn't seething. Anything other than that, it will be a long time until things are returned. If you have an issue that you want to bring up with me, please do it respectfully and I will respectfully listen. These are my rules, like it or lump it.

I guarantee this will solve your problem. Oh, by the way, they each slammed their bedroom doors closed one time. Yes, you guessed it...they lost their door for a month. That made things interesting, but they never slammed them again. They also tried the stomping on the stairs thing. Fifty times up and down the stairs solved that little problem. Until they completed that, and I watched, there would be no time for me to make dinner, though I had time to snack in front of them. They learned quickly to simply do their "time" and things would be back to normal in no time.

Some might say that this is over the top. Let me tell you what's over the top...my kids. They are kind, funny, respectful, honest, hard-working, keep each other in check, loving kids who voluntarily come home every Sunday for family dinner and love the time here. They even show up during the week for "mom time". I may just be the luckiest mom in the whole world!

My son is not finished baking yet (only 14) but well on his way to being such a great man...one I can be proud of!

HHHOOOOORRRRAAAAAYYYY for tedsmommy and Melissa J.

People change their behavior if they are motivated. How are they motivated? By pleasure or pain. Adults obey the speed limit because not doing so causes a ticket which is ecomonically painful. If they drive TOO fast they are jailed, and then the pain increases significantly. The same can be said for drunk driving. When my wife tells me the garbage needs to be taken out and then tells me she is going to take a shower right now with that special smile on her face, I almost run to get the garbage and hustle it out to the trash can and come back for the fun . . . hummm, of taking the garbage out. ;~))

Spanking supplies the pain for a 9 year old. I don't like spanking, but I hate a smartallecky mouth and profanity. When my kids used profanity, I would fill a teaspoon with tobasco sauce and they had to hold it in their mouth for 60 seconds. Then they could spit it out or swallow it. That's because we burned garbage and we burned the garbage mouth to get rid of the garbage talk. My kids are 23 to 37 and to this day none of them use vulgar language. One of my DIL's had a profane mouth and I could tell my son had spoken to her about it because the first time she said something a lady never would say, she looked at me and immediately appologized for it. She never repeated it.

BTW, if you don't correct it at 9, he'll make your life miserable as a teenager.

Good luck to you and yours.

How about a good spanking?

I take away the thing that hurts the most, and in order to get it back it needs to be earned back with positive behavior. When my daughter was 9 it was the PlayStation and/or the Nintendo DS. Currently, at almost 15, it's the cell phone or if she's really bad it's her ice hockey season ticket. And yes, I will go to the games without her, so that usually gets me an immediate apology and weeks of good behavior.

You've received some good advice ~ take away material things and privileges he treasures, (one parent I know took away pretty much their daughter's whole bedroom because of her insolent attitude, left her mattress and some clothes in the closet, and she had to earn things back an item at a time) have him do work around the house and yard, and let him know how disappointed you and Dad are in his behavior or lack thereof at home. Do whatever hurts him the most, you need a good motivator to get him to change.

Be consistent in whatever discipline you choose or it will get worse, this I know for a fact. My 10 year old nephew has been this way for about 2 years, and my sister and BIL were pretty much inconsistent. Now it really bothers them and they're having to set him straight and losing privileges is what's working. The trips to the Lego store for new kits have pretty much dried up, his TV, computer and Wii times have been drastically cut, and he's catching himself when he starts to say something he should't.

Hang in there, it will be worth it!

You and me both, mama.

I've reverted to toddler tactics. It's working GREAT. But just like when he was a toddler, it's taken a few months. What's pretty nice (double edged sword), however, is now that he's older he's got stepped up consequences.

Toddler Tactics:

You whine; you don't get what you want. (and this now includes snarky, disrespectful, pick an inappropriate tone of voice, any inappropriate tone of voice).

You throw a fit; you don't get what you want AND you go on timeout. ((In order to come off of timeout you have to say 'what happened, why it happened, and at least 2 options of what to do next time that DON'T include throwing a fit))

Snarkiness is just disallowed, and has swift and immediate justice.

Good tones of voice/ behavior get random rewards (because random rewarding is more effective than consistent rewarding).

Stepped Up Consequences:

- First round or two = timeout. Anywhere between 5 minutes and a half an hour.

- Second round = partial grounding (1-3 hours)

- Third round = grounding for "the rest of the day"

- Fourth round = some major schedule changes (like losing electronics for the week)

The double edged sword bit is that I've had to cancel some FUN plans because kiddo has decided to push boundaries on a day where we had plans. Man! Kiddo! Couldn't you have picked another day for it??? ((Although, quite frankly, I think it was a test. He KNEW I was looking forward to our plans that day and was loathe to cancel them.))

It's taken a few months TWICE this year (in the fall for a few months, and then half of June & July)... (pantomiming wiping sweat from brow). We're down to a warning look or a "Try again?" bringing an abrupt halt to 95% of inappropriate tones of voice and behavior.

Something that ALSO has helped is stepping up his RESPONSIBILITY. The whole "I'm going to trust you with ________." or "I think you're old enough to TRY doing __________."

They mouth off to get a reaction. Don't give him an angry reaction. What's his poison? What does he really enjoy doing? Take it away every time he mouths off. Don't threaten or warn him, just pull the rug out from under him right away. Do it in a very calm, nonchalant way. "Aww, man! Now you can't play your DS (Wii, X-box...) today. I'm sure you'll treat us respectfully tomorrow so that you can play it then". No yelling, just calm, cool and collected. Eventually he'll see that he's not going to get you to react, and he's just going to get his privileges taken away and he'll change his ways.

Try saying as emphatic as you can. How sad or bummer! Then tell him he has drained your energy by talking back to you and he now needs to replace your energy again.

Ways to energize you would be.....vacuuming the floor, dusting the furniture, if you have pets, picking up dog poop, or any other chore you can think of that needs to be done around the house. A few times of doing this to him and making him restore your energy, he will stop talking back.

In our household, the rule applies that with increasingly disobedient or disrespectful behavior the consequences increase as well. Others here basically say the same thing . . . as they escalate, so do we, patiently. The consequences are up to you to determine but for us they mostly involve removing priviledges. I usually give one warning and make it clear that they have a choice to continue on that path or change their attitudes and their actions, otherwise they are also choosing consequences that are coming. You might also need to have a sit down to find out if they are angry or upset with you for anything. There might be something fueling this behavior below the surface.

It is happening.. the aliens are cloning your child to switch them for those horrible teenage years. I don't know what they do with your sweet child while they have them but the clone is a horrid mouthy little thing! You can tell, especially with boys because they smell bad too!

Call him on it each and every time. Say "I do not hear that talk, if you want to tell me something you do it in a respectful voice" and walk away. If he starts arguing about what he is suppose to do say "I am not asking, I am telling" and again don't argue, walk away.

I am working on this one too, my son was with his dad for a month and I read and learned and prepared for his return- I was a "new mom" strong and bold and wasn't going to take any mouthiness, well, he's been home 2 nights and it started all over with in about 12 hours. and I am not the strong mom I thought I was- or maybe I am playing the victim. I have found Dr Rosemond and Dr Lehman's material to be quite helpful- at least in my mind, to being strong enough and directed enough to put it into practice, is a different battle I have to face. I am going to try -" no mouth, go to your room" each time he "debates" with me. Good luck to you with yours, I hope you save yourself, a year that i have lost out on with my son

Tell him that the next time he mouths off to either of you he will have to go to bed 1 hour earlier for 2-3 weeks, since this behavior is because he must be too tired to behave correctly. If at anytime during the 3 weeks he mouths off the time period will start over. The hard part will be sticking with it on your part. I bet he will be cured soon.

Check out this organization: http://www.connectedfamilies.org/
they hold seminars, have private coaching if you want, etc. They teach positive parenting that connects your family. This place is awesome. Give them a call with any questions etc. They are so committed to helping build strong families.

Google Search "Tween Development in Boys."

Your son is now a "Tween." Tweens are from 9-12 years old.
In other words, he is a Pre-Teen, now.
This is another developmental change... physically/hormonally/ and emotionally.

And most importantly.... nurture a 'relationship' with him... before he hits the Teen ages.
So that, he will still feel close to you/Dad.... and tell you things and confide in you and tell you his 'feelings' etc. Otherwise, he will just tune you out and reject... the parenting and communication with you/Dad.
Not all parents have a 'relationship' with their kids, other than reacting to them and just punishing or disciplining.
Kids... Teens... need both.
But having a 'relationship' with your Pre-Teen or Teen... is key.
They still need you, as a soft place to fall, and for telling you things.
So that you are in the loop, as they progress to the Teen years and beyond.

And yes, you get tough about what you expect of him.
He is, old enough.

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