Please Help, How Do I Discipline My 8 YO Daughter, Time Outs Don't Work Anymore!

Updated on May 28, 2010
C.G. asks from Fort Worth, TX
39 answers

*** OMG thanks everyone for all the sugestions! I can't believe for how long I let this situation go on. I keep getting answers cool! I'll keep reading I need all the help I can get. Ok just a little update, my daughter does great at school, she is an honor student and is a natural leader, she even created a club for her class where they get together and talk about helping the environment. So with that said I only have troubles with her at home, big sign that I'm doing something wrong, I guess a needed a virtual slap in the face for that ;o)
Whe she started talking back I made her write 50 times, I have to be respectful and not talk back; boy she hated that and she changed her attitude right after finishing (about two hours later since she would make time thinking I was going to budge). That was a great suggestion. Also I will be making a chore list and a good manners list so she can start pitching in with the house work.
after she did the sentences, she helped loading the dishwasher and the washing machine, we talked a lot during this and even my little toddler was trying to help (more mess than real cleaning but she looked so cute).
at the end of the day my daughter told me : Mommy I never knew doing chores would be fun! LOL!
thank you all again!!!

Ok mammas I don't know what to do with my 8 YO daughter and her constant talking back. Every little thing I ask of her is refuted with: "But I didn't do it" "But I don't want to go", "But I don't like chicken/fish/meat/etc etc etc".
OMG I'm at my wits end with her talking back, I put her in time out today after school because she threw her shoes and all of her clothes on the floor, she was just smirking away. she just doesn't care when I do time outs, please help, how do you discipline your older children???
I must mention that I also have trouble having her clean her room and help around the house (emptying dishwasher or cleaning the sinks, not much at all really) she does zero chores (I must admit I'm not consistent since it takes me forever to have her do it so I just do it myself) and she doesn't think she has to help at all, except when I start to lose it and raise my voice. She has a one yo sister who I'm hoping won't go in the same path.
thank you in advance!

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So What Happened?

**To add a little bit more info to my update above: My husband works a 8-5 job but has a 3 hour commute everyday so he gets home when both of our girls are asleep or getting ready for bed. I'm on my own during the week, on weekends he is here and he helps out a lot, but he doesn't like to intervene when I'm disciplining the girls; I just think he doesn't want to be the bad guy and leaves the dirty work to me. uhmmm I'll try to talk to him about it so we can both guide and help our oldest so she can be the best she can be, I'm a little worried about the teen years ahead...
again thanks everyone for all your help! **

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A.S.

answers from Eugene on

My 8 year old daughter's attitude today works towards her next up coming function she wishes to do. She was a little bit mouthy the other day, she was
5 mins late to a birthday party. No big deal, except to her. If she had continued it would have been 10, 15, and 20 etc or not at all.

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C.S.

answers from Las Vegas on

We used to give $20 credit, to be paid at the end of the week. Then name the price of each fine, which debits that account. When she learns she had $20 and now she has $2, it starts to make sense.

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P.D.

answers from Cleveland on

The key is to always be consistent. Some good punishments for older children are taking away a special toy for a set time, grounding. Those are the ones I have always used and they seem to work. If you don't punish consistantly, it most likely will get worse.

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T.S.

answers from Sacramento on

Well, my son is only four so I don't have experience as a PARENT of an older child... but as a middle school teacher, I have years of experience of dealing with discipline in kids.

Remember, that time outs aren't a punishment. They don't have to BOTHER the kid to be effective... HOWEVER, they only work to interrupt an ongoing behavior. A timeout after the fact because you've broken a rule doesn't do anything at any age, really.

I'm a huge fan of natural, logical consequences. Rather than think about your response to her as "discipline" or "punishment" just respond to her the way the world responds to people who behave that way. For example:

"But I don't like chicken." Then she doesn't have to eat it. The end. But don't jump up and make her something else. You prepared dinner for her, she can choose to eat or not eat, but she can't ruin your meal by describing how terrible it is. I'd probably say "I'm sorry you don't like it, sweety. Just eat the things you like." Then immediately direct your attention to another family member so she knows the conversation is over. If she starts to throw a fit, just say something like "if you're finished with your dinner you may clear your plate and leave the table." Then, again, redirect your attention.

Same thing with throwing her belongings on the floor. I'd just walk over and say "Oh are these trash? If so, I'll throw them out. If not, come pick them up." (However, if you do throw away her stuff, be prepared NOT to replace it. If YOU can't live without her having something, don't toss it, but maybe say you'll be in charge of it or whatever and keep it in your room or something).

Ultimately your goal is for her to follow the rules, not to be punished for breaking them, so as much as possible find ways to correct her behavior gently and make her see following the rule as the most comfortable choice (i.e. it's bad manners to invite a guest into a messy house, so she may not invite a friend over if her room isn't clean... no need to do the "not until your room is clean" just remind her that it would be bad manners to have her over in a messy room. OR She wants a new toy, but her toy shelves are a mess, it's reasonable to say that you can't be sure she doesn't already have that toy because you can't see what's there).

Hope this helps. Good luck.

T.

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L.A.

answers from Austin on

Jen said what I was going to say. Be sure to tell her how it will "go down" from now on when you ask her to do something. "When I ask you to clean your room, I want things put away where they are supposed to go. Clean clothes hanging or in your drawers. Shoes in the closet, books back on the shelves".whatever you want her to do. .. Then tell her you are going to "give a her a time limit, if she needs more time she needs to ask for it", but you get to decide if you are extending the time. Also if she does not do what you have asked, you will give her natural consequences. Clothes shoes, books.. will all be placed in a bag and taken away, she will have to earn them back.

Also keep in mind telling a child to clean their room may be too big of a request.. Instead tell her, "go to your room and put away everything on the floor". "I will give you 10 minutes". Go to the room if stuff is still on the floor, get a trash bag and take it away.

Then tell her, "clean and organize your desk, do you think you can do that in 10 minutes? OR 15 minutes?"

Let her know if she talks back there will be consequences and she will loose privileges.
Let her know "you have 15 more minutes of TV then you need to take your bath". If she talks back turn off the TV and tell her "go take a bath. And tomorrow night no TV". Then write yourself a note to remind yourself.

Same with loading the dishwasher. "Tonight after dinner, you need to load the dishwasher". If she talks back, tell her "You decide, load the dishwasher or no TV for 2 nights."

The dinner and food is a different situation. In our family if anyone does not want what is served. They are allowed to eat a bowl of non sugar cereal. They serve it themselves.No one says anything. When they are served a plate all of the food is served in very small portions. If she eats that serving, she may serve herself some more. If she tries something new or something she has not liked in the past and does not make faces or make ugly comments, she is allowed a sticker.. After a certain amount of stickers, she gets to pick the menu one night..

Your job is to be consistent. I know it is hard, takes too much time is easier if you do it yourself, but you are not helping her to grow into a responsible member of the family. You are also not helping yourself, because right now you are stressed, frustrated and ending up doing everything yourself. You deserve better.

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D.P.

answers from Pittsburgh on

I have a 7 yo boy and time outs are nothing but a joke to him. You've gotta hit 'em where it hurts--you know, what is her "big" thing? Is it the computer, Wii, DS, mall? Take that away for a day for each infraction of the clearly explained and posted rules. It certainly gets my son's attention! Good luck!

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T.G.

answers from St. Louis on

It's time to get tough - on yourself!!

First, you need to sit down and figure out what it is you want from her. How is she supposed to know if you dont? Once you figure it out, sit her down and have a good old fashion talk with her. Things have got to change. If you don't get a hold of this situation now when she is 8, what do you think you will go through when she is 13, 16??

Post a list of chores for her on the fridge so she can refere to it all the time! The tv doesnt go on, there is no computer privildge, no video games and no telephone until the chores are done. Turn it over to her. She can choose to do chores and have priveledges or she can choose to not do chores and have nothing! There should be NO yelling on your part. Why should you have to? IT obviously doesn't work, so why continue it?

Lack of respect is a BIG NO NO!!!! 1 warning and then if she does it again she needs to finish her chores and go to bed! Who cares if it is 5:00pm ! A few days of going to bed should wake her up!

You need to stay consistant or nothing you do is going to work!!!

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B.C.

answers from Los Angeles on

As so many have said, consistancy is the key. Who decides what she has to do? You or her? If its you, then demand obedience.

How? Privledges are based on obedience. What's a privledge? What ever she wants or likes to do except breathe. TV. Computer. Phone. Video games. Etc. Hot sauce was suggested for talking back. I used hot sauce to stop the bad language. I'd get a teaspoon out and fill it full of tobasco sauce. They had to keep it in their mouth for 60 seconds. Then they could either swallow or spit it out. They always chose to spit it out. Now, as adults, none of them use profanity or vulgarities. I'd always tell them I had to burn the garbage out of their mouths.

If you can't get control of an 8 year old she will make your life absolutely miserable as a teenager.

Be prepared with the answers for some of her statements. When my teenager told me (screamed!!) he hated me I told him, "I'm sorry you feel like you hate me. I love you. I'm your dad. I'll always do my best to help you." They will be surprised and that will help you.

Good luck.

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B.M.

answers from Chicago on

The change has to start with you - not her. You indicate that you are not consistent. That is the solution. You can have any punishment in the world, but every child believes they can wear their parent down. It's practically in their job description. And guess what? They can. If you have already established that if she just throws a fit and doesn't do it, that eventually YOU will, then why wouldn't she throw a fit to get out of doing stuff?

To start with I would pick 1 or 2 things that are not negotiable. Her excuses don't matter. Don't get emotional, Don't get off track. Simply keep repeating the task. "DD, please clean your room.... (whatever direction you give her - individual tasks or whatever)". Then 10 min later go back and check the progress. Then 10 minutes after that. Then 10 minutes after that. Simply keep repeating what she needs to finish etc etc until it's done. Do that EVERY TIME until you don't have to go back.

her fits and attitude will ESCALATE at first because she knows it has worked in the past. DON'T LET IT. BE STRONG!!!! YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!

The trick is to start with 1 or 2 things and sort of let everything else slide for a couple weeks. Once she knows you mean business and YOU can wear HER down she will figure out it's easier to do it right the first time.

Then you can add additional tasks/responsibilities.

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C.R.

answers from Kansas City on

My daughter was exactly the same way with timeouts. I started grounding her from things she enjoys doing. I have grounded her from phone time with friends, the computer, tv, and even her DS that she bought. She is learning that if she does not follow my rules she does not get to do things she enjoys. I also started a chore chart and that helps tremendously! She is a visual child and once she saw what was expected of her it was not such a fight anymore. We do pay her commission for doing her chores, but there are things she is to do around the house because she is part of the family; she does not get paid for these chores. As for the talking back; we used hot sauce in her mouth. Just a dab and she learned that we would not put up with her talking to us that way.

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S.H.

answers from Honolulu on

A couple of good books:
"How to talk so kids will listen, and listen so kids will talk."
"Have a new kid by Friday." by Leman.

I have both of them. Good tips, not punitive.

You can find it on Amazon or even E-bay.

Also, a kid has to learn to be a PART of the family. They are NOT an island unto themselves. I tell my daughter that, point blank. I tell her, "Mommy was your age once, I know all.... you can't fool me or think I am dense. I am not... now get in line." I tell her to be a part of the family, or Mommy is not going to "Mommy" her. She can have a 'nice' Mommy or a 'mean' Mommy. SHE can choose.
My daughter is 7... she can debate like an Attorney. Still, I tell her she is a little girl, and she is not an adult.

all the best,
Susan

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B.

answers from Augusta on

I ground my 8 yr old. She looses everything. And she has to earn video game/computer time with chores. Mine does better with unloading the dishwasher if I help her, there are things that she can't put up.
Now this doesn't cure any of it but does help for her to earn her privileges

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T.V.

answers from San Francisco on

Carol

“She has a one yo sister who I'm hoping won't go in the same path”?

If you have vocalized your disappointment in your 8 year old, that you HOPE her baby sister won’t be the same “disobedient, ill tempered child as she”, not have you only opened a path which will pit sister against sister, you have inadvertently told your 8 year old that you favor her sister.

“I must admit I'm not consistent”

I think you might have been expecting too much of an 8 year old child and may need to re-define what chores are expected.

I suggest for her age:

Make bed

Pick up toys and cloths

Empty small waste baskets

Help set the table

In addition, if/when she back talks:

Immediate time outs

Loss of privileges, including dessert

Have her apologize and ask if she understands why she is being punished so she knows what she is apologizing for.

Be consistent and last but not least NEVER compare one child to another…that will create a lasting scar.

Blessings…..

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J.B.

answers from Houston on

Well the first thing that came to my mind was taking some stuff away from her that she can earn back with good behavior or a nice attitude. I have one friend who actually went into her kids room with a garbage bags and threw everything on the floor in them because she had asked them several times to clean the room. They earned the stuff back slowly by helping out and having a good attitude. She was hard core. If one shoe was in one bag and one in another, they just had to suck it up until the next bag was opened. BUT, I don't think she had a problem getting them to do chores after that!LOL The kids are grown and still tell that story with pride;) It made a huge impact on them and now they appreciate her for it. So maybe think of something that will shock her a bit and then see it through so she knows that she cannot predict what you will do next and she would be wise to listen up!! Good luck;)

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R.R.

answers from Atlanta on

Consider the places and people she is in contact with. Most children are likely to imitate others and children often can get counterproductive influences from friends their age or slightly older. Ask her teachers if they think she is being exposed to any children who exhibit similar behavior at school.
Most children have things they enjoy, from a favorite TV show, ice cream, a favorite friend, to a favorite toy. Making the connection between bad behavior and loss of access to her favorite things is something to try.

Television also provides some awful role models. Consider the content of programs she watches.
You must be consistent in your behavior....she must learn there's a connection between good behavior and rewards and bad behavior and loss of access to favorite things.
The longer you wait to set and follow strict guidelines, the more bad behavior she has to unlearn. If you allow it, a child can "play you like a fiddle." Doing the things you request her to do yourself means no learning occurs.

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B.C.

answers from Dallas on

I agree with the being grounded from tv, friends, etc. and I also make my daughter (9) write essays, or "S.A.s as she calles them, lol) about her attitude and why it's important to be respectful to parents and others.
Also, yes, chore charts are SO important for this age group. My daughter just has to look at the fridge to know what to do when she gets home from school and before bed.
Before she can do ANYTHING after school, she must first change out of her uniform, put her backpack away, feed the dog and make sure her room is tidy.
Before evening television, she must first do her homework, clean up any of her messes, have her stuff ready to go for school the next day and take a shower. Hope this helps!

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M.R.

answers from Columbus on

What is her currency? Is it play dates, or TV, or music...what ever it is, that is what you use to dicipline her. She may throw a huge fit and be really mad at you, she may tell you that she hates you, but that is how you will know you have picked the right thing. No matter what she does, don't give in and give her what she wants, and you will find that you suddenly have this happening much, much less. The key is that you say what you mean, and you mean what you say and she cares about what ever the privalege or activlity is. If you do it every time, she will get it.

I would use the same technique for the chores. If she does not do her work and contribute to the family, she does not get the fun stuff she likes. As for the room, I use a snow shovel, and a big trash can. I warn them that I am coming through, and have left the shovel outside the bedroom door as a warning for a day or so, and I clean them out. The only things I save are school work and clothes, and the rest they loose and I do not replace. I do have to admit, I have one kid for whom this never worked, but I still do this to her room, it makes me feel better, and then I shut the door. Crude, but effective.

M.

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C.B.

answers from Dallas on

When our kids are younger, innocent and naive it's really easy and fun to be their friend. Now your child has reached the age where she's expressing were her will for independence. Sorry, but you're going to have to sacrifice your popularity for her own good. It's time to be a parent and lay down the law. Remeber to get Dad's help too for a united front - the divide-and-conquer routine is probably on her horizon.

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L.M.

answers from New York on

The best form of "punishment" is taking away a privledge that she likes, like tv or computer time. Another thing is making her do her chores before she's allowed to do anything else. For example, if she says "can I go over to Susie's house", your reply is "did you clean your room" or "after your room is cleaned".

One of the most important things is to be consistant.

Come up with a list of chores that she can do that won't matter if they don't get done timely. For example, if one of the chores is setting the table, and she doesn't do it, you'll need to do it so you can eat dinner, so that doesn't work. Some that come to mind are cleaning your room, taking dirty cloths to the laundry room, vacumning. No tv, no computer, no phone, no ipod, no friends until its done. If it takes her 2 or 3 days, that's her choice.

Good luck

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J.T.

answers from Dallas on

i think you've answered your own question... you have to be consistant with her, even when it's harder and more aggravating than just doing things yourself. make life hard for HER when she misbehaves. shoes/clothes on the floor, take them from her for a few weeks - give her "natural consequences" for her bad choices so that she can learn why we must do certain things... good luck!

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M.B.

answers from Dallas on

Right now ISTM that her behavior is more motivated by getting reactions from you than her really wanting to be bad. I have found that in some of these cases, ignoring the behavior can actually alleviate it. This is particularly true for my boys at least who are now 14 and 17. They went through this stage and what I found worked best was to just ignore the behavior that is occurring in the heat of the moment while you both calm down. You can then think calmly about consequences and talk about things when you are both more relaxed. Taking away privileges or delaying privileges until chores are done is what works in my house, BUT you have to first figure out what she values most. That's your currency.

For example, my older son has to take out the trash every nite and it's his job to mow the lawn and both my sons have to fold their own laundry. If the chores are not down by a certain time (e.g., 2 pm on Saturday), then my older son does not get to use the Internet. My younger son has his own set of chores and the same goes for him. You need to give them some control and flexibility in terms of how they do the job and when. Kids are not going to do things as well as us. We've had 20-30 years more experience in many cases. My son doesn't mow the lawn perfectly, but at 17, I no longer have to nag. He just needs a gentle reminder.

One thing you really need to do is to pick your battles. For my sons, I don't make a big deal about how they keep their rooms in general - as long as I have a path to their bed to wake them up in the morning. However, I do require that they clean up after themselves in the shared areas of the home. And, periodically, they do need to clean their rooms to the point of being able to vacuum.

As others have noted, you MUST be consistent and if you communicate a consequence of her not doing something, you MUST follow through. I had to do that only once for my younger son who was going through a phase of bad behavior - I warned him early in the week that if he didn't stop certain behavior then he could not go to a birthday party sleepover. I had to call that mother the nite before to let her know he was not coming. You have to let her know who is in charge yet you do need to make sure that she knows you love her, which leads to another point. Since you have a baby, do you make an effort to spend quality one on one time with her - for example, a special movie nite at home after the baby is in bed. That's been the special thing in my home for quite some time on Friday nites - I cuddle on the couch with my sons and watch a movie. You would be amazed at the difference in behavior you can get from a child by just dedicating a little bit more one on one time that makes them feel really special.

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C.M.

answers from Dallas on

Oh how I know this problem. I will be honest, it is a tough one to break because YOU have to be 100% consistent in correcting this problem. It may take a few weeks of hard work, but it can come to a minimum if you put your effort into it.

I have a just turned 9 year old daughter, so I recently went through this. First, you need to create a chart of the punishment for the crime. We are Christians and I printed a biblical based chart that someone gave me (could email it to you if you are interested - [email protected]____.com ) but this method still works even if you dont use God's word.

The chart addresses attitude, complaining, laziness, order (good for the room!), etc.

So our chart says: First offense you have to write the sentence once, second offense you have to write it twice and the third time you have to write the sentence 10 times because obviously you didnt get it the first 3 times.

Rules:
The slat is wiped clean at the beginning of the day.
Writing must be neat, dated and with the time and signed off by a parent.
If unacceptable then you must re-do the work.

I took a pocket folder with brad and put lined paper in one pocket and all the sentences I had printed in the brads. I also made a sample of what I expected the sentence to look like (neat with date/time).

When the first slight hint of an attitude or back-talk came, I handed her the folder and said calmly, one sentence for attitude or for back-talk or whatever it was. (or two or ten, she only got to ten one day before she never had to write it ten times again)

Again, our sentences were scriptures, but you could easily make up your own sentences like, "I will not have a negative attitude towards my parent or any other." or "I will keep my room clean and in order because I cherish my belongings". You get the picture.

I know it doesnt sound like much, you can always ground her from tv, extra curricular time, etc. But I have found it is hard to stick to things like that and it also doesnt get to the route of the problem. There is something about writing it, those thoughts get cemented into your brain.

When I was a child my mother found that I had stuck gum under her hallway table. I had to sit in my room one weekend and write 100 times, "I will not stick gum on any kind of furniture." I was in the second grade, it took me all weekend and I NEVER in my life have stuck gum anywhere. Even in highschool where I knew I wouldnt get caught, I had no desire to do such a thing.

Good luck, I wrote a novel, but this worked well for me. The folder is hardly ever touched anymore, it does work! :)

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J.R.

answers from New York on

As opposed to punishment for when she doesn't listen or when she talks back there is always positive reinforcment. Like, for doing chores that she doesn't want to do, she will get A. If she doesn't complain about it, she will get B. If she's a girly girl, maybe if she goes a good amount of time without talking back you can go get mani's or pedi's together. Give her incentive for being well behaved.
Do you trust her with cooking? If she doesn't want to eat what you make for her and is going to say she doesn't like it, maybe it's time to start letting her cook for herself sometimes. You can even cook together. Maybe she can help you plan meals for the week, or give her responsibilities when you go grocery shopping. It sounds like she wants to be in control of what she does, that might give her a little sense of it. On other days, what you cook is what is for dinner. If she doesn't want it, then she doesn't eat. A kid won't starve from missing one meal, but she sure will get the point if you are consistent about it.
If it still continues, punishments still work along with positive reinforcement. So that might be the time for grounding, no tv for a day (or however long), or taking away whatever you think would be most effective. Both are effective tools, you just have to use your own judgment on when to use which one. Let her know that if she cooperates she will get the good stuff, however if she continues to misbehave and talk back this will be the consequence (whatever it is). Lay it all out for her, don't just decide later what to do.

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T.T.

answers from Dallas on

I also have an 8yo daughter with an attitude. The only thing that works is grounding her from playdates (which she does a lot and loves). She's currently grounded and has been since wednesday (ends today) for sassing me and then yelling at me in front of her friend. I do make her to cool off before I talk to her but not really "time out" b/c they are waaayyy too old for that. FYI, I also have triplet (almost 3yo) sons.

Good luck.
T.

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M.C.

answers from Dallas on

Wow! you got a lot of responses. My 7yo daughter kept her room messy. over and over my husband and i kept telling her to clean her room. One day i finally had it. I quit being a "repeater" with my requests. I am the parent! I told her to clean her room and i will be in to check it. She got to playing else where. I came in with a Large trash bag to her room and started putting everything in it, She started crying and freaking out. I told her mom and dad got tired of telling her over and over what to do (called disobedient, defiant...) and this is the consequence. I told her everything that goes in this bag will be tossed out. ( i put it all in the garage, not really throwing it away.) It has been two weeks and her room is clean, nothing on the floor, under the bed, under the dresser etc... when i ask if her room is clean she will quickly run to her room and tidy up.
When my two other children won't eat what i fix for dinner, that is too bad (not being mean, tired of being a short order cook!!) we then tell them this is dinner and this is what is being served, better eat now because the kitchen will be closed when we are done. They didn't believe us and noticed that we meant business, they started to "try" the foods i set on the table. has worked out for us. Just remember, YOU are the parent, YOU run the house, YOU set the rules, THEY are the children and will obey or there are consequences. (be consistent).
hope this helps. hang in there.:)

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D.L.

answers from Dallas on

Carol,

We're in the same boat - even with the age differential! Mine are 10 and 3. My 10 year old also has a mouth on her that won't stop. I admit that she came by it fairly naturally (both my husband and I are smart alecks!), but it does become a problem on a regular basis.

We're fortunate that she doesn't seem to show this attitude at school - it's usually reserved for us. We've discovered that taking things away from her and showing our disappointment and hurt at her attitude are the two best options. Time outs don't work for her - she can sit by herself and entertain herself for quite some time.

We've started taking away play time with the neighbors. She's become very close with our next door neighbor - to the point that she's over there more than she's at home. When she shows us attitude or uses her mouth disrespectfully, we don't let her play next door. It usually works for a few days, and then all we have to do is threaten her the next time.

It's gotten a bit better, but I remember the constant battles I had with my parents at that age, so I'm just crossing my fingers that it is just a stage. I thank God every day that she doesn't act that way at school!!

Good luck, and if you hear any other great answers, pass them along! :)

D.

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G.A.

answers from Dallas on

Maybe money is not the thing but worked with my granddaughter find some thing she really wants or likes to do. I gave my granddaugher .10 every time she made her bed without being asked. Does not work now she is almost 13. Work towards something she wants to buy. Add points at the end of a week and put a dime in a jar for all the times she does the things you want and put a dime in the times she did not do it and see the ones she gets to keep and opportunity gone by when she refused. Good Jar Bad Jar. She then can win back the bad jar by doing extra things. I have never tried this but makes sense to me. Our rewards in jobs is pay and when we screw up we do not get that raise or hours or moving to a different level. Try it and give us a note back what happens. This will stop the always nagging. Do not say anything just do the dime thing. She will get it. G. W

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K.H.

answers from Wichita Falls on

I know this is not an answer, but I have the same problems you are having with my 8 yo step-son. I thought he was being like this because of his situation but I see now that it might jsut be his age maybe. If you get any good ideas that work please pass on.

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C.T.

answers from Dallas on

The book Love and Logic was written for you. It will help you with these specific problems in a way that puts the responsibility on your daughter and will give her choices. Good luck!

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J.G.

answers from Dallas on

My mom said I was the kind of kiddo who had to have things taken away. The worst was TV or phone time. Once in HS I was grounded from the phone for 2 weeks! That was the worst.

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A.W.

answers from Amarillo on

We're in the same boat. Check out some book on "Love and Logic". It's all about giving the child choices. Here is a 'good' choice and here is a 'bad' choice. Good choices lead to good things and of course bad choices lead to bad things.

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T.S.

answers from Dallas on

My sister's kids live with me. She has an 8 yr old daughter, 5 yr.old son and 3 yr old daughter. I have had to discipline by not letting them go somewhere they wanted to go. We even went so far as not going to the pool for the day since she didn't do what she was supposed to do. You have to be consistent with taking away things, for example she likes to do art and modeling clay so after she does her chores she can do her art. If she still doesn't do it, no tv or playtime and will have to go to bed early. At first their were tears but since I mean business , all three know I will not give in. We have been living together for a year and things run smoothly now. Just remember you are the adult and they are the children.

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K.D.

answers from Dallas on

ITs typical behavior. My 9yr old is the same way. The only thing that really works for me taking away her ipod. I also actually pulled her out of Tumbling class for a month for having attitude. With this age consistency is the key.

Also, Let me mention bribery. The weekend before I will tell my daughter her best friend can stay the night the next weekend if she cleans her room and picks up her mess. After a few times of not having that sleepover she learned I was serious.

Chores is also something good, My 9yr old is responsible for helping to unload the dishwasher and gather trash from the upstairs every night on trash day. If she gives me attitude about it, I simply go do it for her and I never raise my voice, then out of the blue an hour early she is told to go to bed, shes learned again real fast to listen to me.

This is such a testy age and they test everything, I honestly believe that sometimes, they dont mean to talk back, they just dont know how to express themselves very well yet.

Good Luck and I hope this helps. By the way, I also have issues with getting her to take baths or showers, she hates them, I hear its a normal age thing as well.

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C.H.

answers from Dallas on

Hi,
I don't know you as a person, a mother, or what you've tried outside of time-outs. I'm assuming you've done the obvious in trying to talk/reason with her and I'm assuming from you're post that spanking is not an option. My suggestion is to teach by example. I'm assuming at the age of eight that you're still doing quite a bit for your daughter. The lesson that you should 'treat others the way that you would like to be treated' may be effective here if done in such a way that it is positive and constructive. Your daughter may take all that you do for her and your unselfishness in doing it for granted, as I've seen most kids do. I suggest you try explaining to your daughter specifically about how her behavior is inappropriate and how it's affecting you and everyone around her. You must let her know that you aren't happy about the situation she's putting you in, but as her mother you love her and know her behaviour is hurting HER as well. Selfishness is unhealthy and infectious throughout our character :( At that point start trying to apply her behavior to situations between you two and anyone else and start thinking about how you can use those situations as constructive examples to help correct her behavior. For example; she needs help with homework- your approach, "okay, I need to finish up the housework and to do and an important project for work, but you're important to me and I love you, and I want to take the time to help you with your homework." Using methods such as this can give your daughter the opportunity to see that being respectful and doing for others is the best way to show them that you care for them. If Dad didn't take the time to drop you off at the mall, then who would, if mom didn't wash your clothes, then who would...your girl frineds?? No one will love and care for your daughter like you and your family. It's important that she learn how to show love with respect now so that it can positively impact her future relationships...marriage, children of her own :) Plus, don't forget to pray about it and read up on scriptures that will give you insight in to respect, love, and child rearing. I hope you're blessed in this situation~ Chell

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J.D.

answers from Dallas on

I have an 8 year old daughter who attempts to push it for all she can. I recently started reading the book "1 2 3 Majic for Christians. I also had the opportunity to hear the author speak about the principles of the book at my church. So far so good. I have read lots of book on discipline, (Love and Logic, The Strong Willed Child, and more). This one is the first that I have had good results with her. I also incorporate a few other techinques from other books but use the basis of this book.

Give it a try.

J.

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C.B.

answers from Dallas on

Is it something in the water? my 8 yr. old girl is the same way! lol!
When our daughter is being a snot she gets sent to her room. If she back talks me or her dad she gets a swat(to know we are serious) and if she takes too long on her chores- she gets more added on. Granted, it doesn't always work(the swat does though). I do go in and help her with her chores but not all the time. We will clean out her whole room about once a month and I will do the dishes with her when she is getting lazy and not washing them properly. I will also help her out if I see that she is working really hard. We have also canceled playdates with friends and fun trips because she didn't do her chores or she was fighting or back talking(we have done the same for our sons also). I hated to do it, but I have realized that I cannot threaten anything that I am unwilling to follow through with. So if there is a trip to the zoo planned and you tell her she can't go unless she cleans her room and she doesn't do it- you have to cancel your trip to the zoo. Following through with consequences is so important.
Also- I don't just punish my kids- I do reward for good behavior. When she helps out with her baby sister and little brothers we will give her some spending money or she will get to go out with just me or her dad. When she gets her room clean she gets to have a friend over or we get to go to the park and we make sure to tell her how great she did(if she did a good job) She also likes to help me organize other rooms and if she does a good job in her room she gets to help me(sounds like an odd reward, but she loves it!)
I have to go back to the back talking. I hate swatting my kids. I don't do it very often at all. But we will not put up with back talking at all in our house. You don't back talk your mom or your dad or any other adult. Usually if she back talks me and my husband is home- he will be the one to swat her and I will swat her if she back talks him. She doesn't do it too often and I know there are a lot of parents who might disagree with this, but for her, it is the only thing that works- we have tried other things, but this is what gets through to her to let her know she has crossed the line and it is unacceptable.
Anyway- good luck! I know sometimes you feel like pulling your hair out(because I do!) just go outside and take a couple deep breaths - it helps me!
~C.

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D.J.

answers from Dallas on

Is there a chore she really hates? (my daughter,it was cleaning the toilet) If so give her a choice of doind a differennt chore or the one she hates. As for punishment,find the one thing she really loves and take it away from her when she acts up.You must be consistent though. She has already learned that she can wait you out. Where is the Dad in all this? My kids always listened to him better.if she wont eat what you fix,send her away from the table.You are the one allowing an 8 year old to dictate to you. Turn the tables,now!

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L.A.

answers from Minneapolis on

Have you asked her about why she does it?

I would guess that it's habit for her now. That doesn't make it right, but she's probably not thinking about her answer first. Can you try to help her avoid the punishments by coaching her to respond differently. For example, "I'm going to ask you about X. Remember to keep your lips together until your brain has time to think about what you really want to say instead of that automatic no it does." Or ever a simple "try again" or "try again with a kinder answer."

I would think that the more you get her to say things without the backtalk, the easier it will be for her.

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K.J.

answers from Kansas City on

Time outs are for little kids. Usually as a non-corporal alternative for spankings. Just as they grow out of spankings, they grow out of time-outs. No wonder she laughs at getting a time out, she's too big for them. Groundings and lost privileges are for older kids.

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